Day to day

Our last go round

2011-10-28T21:07:00.000-07:00

I took Mom to breakfast at the International House of Pancakes this morning before her appointment with the doctor. I wanted her to have a good breakfast before we went to her appointment because I had a feeling we were going to be there awhile. When we were sitting in the Doctor's office Mom looked and me and said 'This will be our last go round". I looked at her and said "Well, then, let's make it a doozy!"

The Doctor at the clinic was great with Mom...a woman who understood Mother's and was both clinically good and emotionally present. Mom had been concerned about a lump in her left breast. That was just one of the concerns...her breathing is labored, her blood sugar was really high, and the edema in her legs worse by the day.

The doctor sent us off to get blood tests done and an EKG. Once that was all done we went back to the Doctor's office and were told to go to another clinic to get a mammogram. Once we arrived at the second clinic, there was the usual flurry of papers to read and sign. We were then told that Mom would be having a mammogram and an ultrasound. Once those were completed, the Doctor called the first Doctor and they agreed that a biopsy would be done immediately.

By this time is was 1:30pm and we had been at this since 10am. Mom didn't complain, even though she had to keep taking off her shirt,sweater and coat repeatedly. Once the biopsy was done, we went back to the first clinic and were directed across the hall to get an X-Ray of Mom's chest. When that was done we went back and talked to the Doctor. She prescribed Lasix to deal with the edema and Metformin to deal with the high blood sugar.

She told me that Mom's blood work looked pretty good, as did her EKG. She is really more concerned about the labored breathing and the wheezing. I won't know until next week, but I think the concern is that the cancerous lump may have metastasized to her chest. The Doctor agreed that she had the classic symptoms of congestive heart failure. Next Friday we go back for an echo cardiogram so the Doctor can see what is going on inside Mom's heart.

We left the clinic around 3:00pm only to get into a rainstorm and a huge backup on the freeway. I took Mom home, helped her undress and made her some dinner. I went to the grocery store to do her shopping and to the drugstore to get her medications. I took everything up to her apartment, unpacked and put the groceries away, and made notes for Mom to remind her to take her medication.

I helped her into bed. She wondered aloud what she would have done without me today. True, it was a long day for us both, but she was easy to handle all day. In a strange way, it was a good day to be with her. It did remind me of the rounds of tests I took Dad to at the same clinic. I wonder if Mom will die quickly just like Dad did....just slip away and be gone.

Everyone loves a parade!

2011-07-23T22:10:00.000-07:00

I took Mom to the Hi-Yu Seafair parade in West Seattle today. It took some doing, as her apartment is in the blocked off area. I managed to find a place in a lot two blocks away. I took her chair and set out to pick her up. Once she put on her shoes and hat she was ready to go. I got her back to the car and helped her slowly transfer from the chair to the front seat of the car.

I drove the back streets to find a place that would be relatively close to the parade route and to the spot that Pamela and Haven were waiting for our arrival. It took some doubling back and around, but I finally found a shady parking place. Again, I helped Mom transfer from the car to the chair. We were off! The problem I noticed right away was the absence of handicapped curbs on the corners. I had to lift the chair and then slowly steady it as I put Mom down on the street. We covered six blocks this way and finally found Pamela and Haven.

We all watched the clowns and the marching bands and those silly Seafair Pirates and Clowns. There were politicians marching, drill teams and floats drifting by. Mom seemed to have a good time just being out and seeing some new sights. Haven did great will the load explosions from the Seafair Pirates and generally seemed to enjoy her first parade. At the end of the parade, Pamela and Haven took off for the house. Mom and I headed back to the car but decided to stop at Mcdonalds for some lunch. We got back to the car and did the slow transfer again.

Getting Mom back to her apartment was again a bit of a challenge. I found one side street nearby where I could legally park. The big barrier was the large rocks that made up the parking strip. Mom was worried and not sure she could navigate them. I held her hands and told her that she could do it. She finally made it to the level sidewalk and sat down in her transport chair. I rolled her up the street and got her safely to her building, into the elevator and back to her apartment. Whew....quite the adventure!

No Doctors!

2011-07-21T20:35:00.000-07:00

I asked Mom recently if she wanted to go to the doctor. She said "NO DOCTORS"!!! She also refused to consider going into a nursing home where her needs could be taken care of 24 hours a day 7 days a week.

Mom is in a new stage. She sleeps almost all the time. She says her legs are weak. She seems to have little or no ability to prepare food. I have been going over once or twice a day to heat up food, prepare salads, and do laundry and dishes. The edema in her legs is worse. She has a cough. It feels like she is less and less present.

Watching this is hard for me. I try to stay focused on what it is that I can do to help her or improve her day. Sometimes just preparing a meal for her helps. Sometimes vacuuming the apartment makes her feel better. I straighten out her bed clothes and try to make sure that her pillows are stacked up. Tonight I had to convince her to change into her nightgown and get into bed. She just laid there all curled up.

I will go back tomorrow morning to make her breakfast and try to get her comfortable for the day.

Forgetting

2011-07-08T21:26:00.000-07:00

This morning I went over to Mom's like I have for many Friday mornings. I fixed us breakfast and set it out for us. Mom had one of her bills out and we talked about that for a bit. She wanted to pay with a money order, but I told her that she was going to use a check. I made the check out and gave it to her to sign. She looked at me and asked me what her last name was....I looked at her and told her her last name and how to spell it. As I was doing this I was thinking "ok...so now we are here...she is really starting to forget things."

After breakfast I got her to the car and then to the post office. We mailed her bill and then drove to the grocery store. She told me what she wanted and then sat in the car while I went into the store. She can no longer navigate the power carts. I got back with her groceries and then drove us back to her apartment. Since there was a local festival going on right up the street I had Mom stay in the car while I took her groceries upstairs.

I loaded her into the transport chair and pushed her all through the fair. She seemed to enjoy that quite a bit. Afterwards, I took her home, made her lunch and then told her I would be back for breakfast on Sunday.

As I walked down the hall to the elevator all I could think was "How will her memory loss begin to make a serious situation even more difficult for her and for me." Time will tell.

All fall down

2011-06-14T20:55:00.000-07:00

I got a panicked call from Mom yesterday afternoon while I was at work. She had fallen and could not get up. I packed up my stuff and made it to her apartment in record time. I had called her apartment manager before I took off to let him know about the situation. I wasn't sure if she was alright, had broken something else, damaged the hip she just had surgery on....or what was going on. It occurred to me that I might have to have her hospitalized again.

Her manager met me at the front door and we both went up to her apartment. When I opened the door she was sitting with her back propped up against her red chair. She told us that she had scooted across the floor after she fell. It seems that she toppled over on her upholstered bench when she was trying to put on her socks. She had hit her head against the wall, knocked over a brass lamp and the digital tuner on the television. We lifted her up to her chair and began asking her questions about how she was feeling now. Her apartment manager left and I began assessing the situation more closely.

I made Mom some food because her eating habits have begun to deteriorate. Once I got some food and coffee in her I put in a load of laundry. I took out the recycling and the trash. I made sure she had something to eat for dinner.

I left after that and told her that I would call her later. The phone rang at my house around 8:30pm. It was Mom. She said she had fallen again. I went over and found her laying in bed with the sheets and blanket pulled up to her chin. She told me that she had fallen against a wall as she left the bathroom. She told me that her upper left shoulder blade area hurt from falling into the wall. I wrapped an ice bag in a kitchen towel and put it underneath her.

Again, I asked if she had eaten and the answer was "No". I made her a plate of cantaloupe, ham slices and macaroni salad. I actually ended up feeding her. She was so wiped out she couldn't manage it herself. She mostly ate the cantaloupe and ate a little bit of the other items. I got her to drink a little water and take a body and back aspirin.

I tucked her in bed, kissed her goodnight and left about 10:30pm after cleaning up the kitchen and folding her clothes and towels. I put together her breakfast before I left for home. It was a long day.

Tonight I went over and made her dinner and helped her with her checkbook and some bills. I told Mom that I am going to need to take over her finances. She is not capable of understanding any of that anymore. She made a mean and paranoid comment about "I guess I will have to trust you:" I told her that I would use all the money for her. She lamented the fact that there won't be any left for my brother and I. I acknowledged that was the case. I told her she could give us some of the money if she wanted to do that. I told her to think about it and that we would talk more later.

So...visiting Mom is now almost a daily occurance. She seems weaker, more confused, and generally unable to take care of herself. She is still adamant...she wants to remain in her apartment. I don't have the strength to fight her.

Breathe in, Breathe out

2011-06-10T22:12:00.001-07:00

I found Mom fast asleep in her chair this morning when I arrived to make her breakfast, clean her apartment and do her grocery shopping. She had been up since 5:30am getting dressed and having something to eat. She sleeps a lot during the day now because she is up at least five times a night going to the bathroom. She is technically incontinent, but it still able to manage it with night time pants....or adult diapers.

It took me a while to rouse her, but she finally came to and we started our morning conversation. I fixed her a half of a grapefruit, bacon, made some fresh coffee and another piece of toast with jam. I made myself the other half of the grapefruit, a half of a slice of toast with jam, cream of wheat, a slice of bacon and a cup of coffee. We just sat eating in silence. Mom seemed to revive a bit after eating this second breakfast. Her blood sugar must have been on the low side.

We discussed what she would need at the store and decided on a few things, as I had done a big shopping trip last week. Before I left, I bleached her plastic toilet seat that allows her to sit down on the toilet without having to sit down too far. This is particularly necessary now with her hip repair. I did the vacuuming and the dishes and headed out for the grocery store.

When I got back from the store, Mom was sound asleep again. I put the groceries away and made her a light lunch: a fried chicken drumstick, a serving of macaroni salad a glass of water and a chocolate stripped shortbread cookie. She says her mouth is dry all the time. I try to get her to drink water whenever I can because of I sure Mom is dehydrated.

She talked again about how hard it was for her to breathe in the morning. She believes it is because of some kind of central heating system in the building. In truth every apartment has a discreet electric heating unit. I tried to explain to Mom how congestive heart failure affects the heart and lungs. She nods and then forgets what I have said. We repeat this conversation a lot these days.

As I watch Mom failing more and more each day, I feel a certain protectiveness and love for her that I have never really been able to sustain in my life. She no longer has the energy to fight with me, or criticize my life or choices. There is a softness about her now that I have never seen before. I wonder how much longer she will have to suffer like this...and wish that she can have a few more good days, or months before she dies.

Another new plateau

2011-06-01T20:46:00.000-07:00

Mom is still struggling along these days. Some days are definitely better than others. She seems to sleep more and more all the time. I know this is a side effect of congestive heart failure...but knowing that doesn't make watching her slow decline any easier.

She is in a pretty depressed mood a lot of the time, or is incredibly anxious about something that keeps her awake all night. It is usually a bill she has received in the mail for her care while in the rehab facility. More and more she needs me to explain her bills, and her bank statement. She cannot seem to remember the things we did at the bank. No matter how many times I go over it with her, she cannot absorb the information.

She told me that she had gone "bananas" being in the rehab facility. I laughed and told her that in fact she had been a little "bananas" before she was a patient there. She laughed too.

Mom and I had a good talk the other night...but part of it was really hard. She told me that she knew I would be relieved when she died. Yes, part of me will be relieved of all the responsibility of looking after her, but the other part of me will really miss her. For all her foibles and idiosyncrasies, she is my Mom and I love her. Yes, she always does everything the hard way which invariably requires more time and energy on my part. Yes, there are many stories I could tell that would show her flaws and failings as a parent. But there are many other stories that show her concern for me, or her unflagging ability to love me.

I don't know where we are on the final leg of this journey, but I do know that I will be by her side until there is nothing else I can do for my Mom.

Feeling safe

2011-05-23T22:03:00.000-07:00

Mom has been in her apartment since she broke out of the nursing facility on May 5, 2011. She does not seem to be doing well...but manages to teeter through each day.

Yesterday I went over in the morning and made her a good breakfast: biscuits and gravy, a fried egg, some cantaloupe and coffee. She ate everything and really seemed to enjoy her meal. I don't think she does as well when I am not there to cook for her and serve her.

Today, I stopped by after work and found that Mom was already in bed asleep at 4:30pm. The sink was full of dishes and the garbage needed to be taken out. I took care of all the housekeeping chores and then tried to rouse Mom. She was pretty asleep, but eventually came to enough to have a little water, two aspirins, a cup of coffee and a cookie.

I told her that she wasn't looking that good. She seemed dehydrated and lethargic. I told her I was concerned and that we might need to go to the hospital. She was adamant...no hospitals, no doctors. It is hard to see her dying by inches, but that is what she seems to want to do. When I asked her about her resistance she simply said that she feels safe in her apartment. I guess it is my job to let her live out her life in exactly the manner of her choosing. It is not easy for me to see her story unfolding in this way but I am doing my best to help her get by until she either passes away or something happens like another fall that would send her back to the hospital.

A time of diminishing returns

2011-05-13T23:27:00.000-07:00

I have spent the last week watching Mom fight a battle of diminishing returns. I am not sure how sustainable her current situation is ....as I know I cannot keep taking care of her as her needs begin to increase. I cannot handle her physically at this point.

Mom called this morning asking in a desperate voice if I could come make her breakfast. I was rushing to get ready for a doctor's appointment, but I dropped in on her for about 10 minutes on my way. She was laying on top of her sheets with eyes and mouth open. At first I thought she wasn't breathing...but she stirred a bit when I walked up to her.

She was dressed, but clothes were strewn about and the remainder of her dinner was on the side table by her chair. It appeared that her dinner had consisted of saltines, a piece of rye toast with butter and jam....and a bowl of potato chips. I cleaned up a bit, then got her some cream of wheat, more toast and coffee.

I went back with more groceries after my appointment. I tried to pick food items at the store that would be easy for her to eat and a little different...four kinds of salad, oranges, cantaloupe, broccoli in cheese sauce, baked beans, and shepard's pie. I made up three individual dinner plates for Mom to eat later.

Mark stopped by while I was rounding up the kitchen garbage; the mound of diapers in the bathroom wastebasket, and all the recycling. He brings her a milkshake almost every day, Monday through Friday. We talked for a bit....he spoke briefly to Mom and then left with all the bags of recycling and garbage. I was glad that he had done that small task, but felt resentful and tired thinking about all the other chores that I have taken on over the last four years of Mom's care. He thanks me for what I do, but never offers to take on more responsibility.

Mom wanted some lunch so I heated up a frozen meal of fish with pasta and vegetables. I did one complete load of laundry and started another one before I left. I helped her change her pants after lunch...she had dropped food in her lap and stained them. Of course, to find the pants she wanted to wear required me to open one of her locked trunks. Luckily I found the right key on her massive ring right away.

Mom thanked me for everything I am doing for her, held my hand, thanked me a million times over again, held my hand some more...it was just so desperate and sad.

I went back later in the afternoon, because I began to worry that she wouldn't be able to dry the blanket or get it back on the bed. When I walked in the blanket was on the floor in a heap by the bed and Mom was asleep. I picked up the blanket and began to put it over her when she woke up.

I asked her if she wanted some dinner and she said she could eat something small. I heated up one of the dinner plates I had made earlier in the afternoon for her. She ate two thirds of it and drank another cup of coffee. I sat with her while she ate and we talked for awhile about her situation. She wants to stay in the apartment because she can afford it. I told her that I was having a harder and harder time taking care of her. I told her that she shouldn't worry about the money....that I would start looking for a place where she could be safe. I told her again that I worried about her safety being alone in her apartment most of the time. She has been at high risk for falling and has fallen several times over the last four years. Now after her hip surgery, she is even more unstable

Mom said that she wants to die....that this cannot last much longer. She talked about her own Mother...how good and kind she was...a lot like me, she said. I teared up a bit and just sat there holding her hand.

Against medical advice

2011-05-05T21:25:00.000-07:00

Mom left the rehab center tonight against medical advice. She signed some kind of release and made it out the door. The staff called me to come, but I refused to get caught up in her latest misbehavior. The police arrived and an officer called and tried to guilt trip me into coming down there with her keys. I told him that every medical person I have talked to in the last month, including her Dr. yesterday, told me that she was not ready to go home, would perhaps never be able to live alone again, and should in fact be in assisted living. The officer contended that this was not a police problem and that it in fact was my responsibility as her daughter. I ended the conversation after that jewel of a statement.

I tried calling the crisis clinic to get in contact with the Mental Health Professionals. I got a lot of sympathy and validation, but not much in the way of actual help. I was told that the MHP's, do work 24/7, but that they were not available for this kind of situation.

I had called her apartment manager to let him know that she may be showing up there. She did show up there and apparently told him that the staff at the facility had gotten cab fair together and sent her home. So much for any kind of reasonable discharge plan. It also appears that the staff didn't do any kind of competency testing before they let her walk out the door.

So...here we have a 91 year old woman who no one wants to deal with. She made it home..which has been her goal for a month. The bad news for her is that I cannot help her anymore since she alleged that I threw her down the stairs ...creating the broken hip situation.

I am totally emotionally exhausted with her, her health, her drama, her inability to do anything in a rational manner, and her complete and absolute narcissism. Tonight I am done with her. I have put my cell phone on silent and unplugged all the land lines.

The one good thing I did today was finalize her cremation and burial plans. I go to the bank tomorrow to get the money to pay it off. Perhaps one day she will finally rest in peace.

MHP

2011-05-02T20:31:00.000-07:00

Today was the day that I spent some time talking to the MHP (Mental Health Professional) who had interviewed Mom this morning. He came away feeling that putting her in a psychiatric facility would not be the best for her. She admitted to him that I did not push her down any stairs.

She sort of understands that her remarks are going to keep her in the rehab facility until the doctors clear her. He suggested an adult group home, and I told him that would not work with her long standing paranoia and borderline personality traits. It is unclear to me now when I may be dealing with her personality quirks or some mild form of dementia. All I know is sometimes she is very nasty and combative.

I said that I was willing to work through the process with Adult Protective Services and help her get home if she is able to be there. That is kind of doubtful but at least we could have that be her motivating goal.

I talked with Mom tonight..she had been vomiting since breakfast. She sounded weak and really tired. She said she didn't want any dinner...so another day goes by with no food. I am beginning to wonder if something organic is wrong with Mom. It could be the congestive heart failure or it could be something else unrelated. I will see her tomorrow evening to see how she is doing..hopefully she will have eaten something and gotten some fluids in.

2011-05-02T03:49:00.000-07:00

Do not go gentle into that good night,
Old age should burn and rave at close of day;
Rage, rage, against the dying of the light.

Dylan Thomas, The Collected Poems of Dylan Thomas 128 (1957).

Simone de Beauvoir, in her treatise on old age called La Veillesee,
concludes that "the manner in which a society behaves with its old
people unequivocally reveals the truth-often carefully masked-of its
principles and its ends.

Simone de Beauvoir, La Veillesse (Old Age)

I am up at 4:00am looking up information on civil commitment laws in Washington State. I woke up and just could not stop worrying about Mom as her situation deteriorates. She could end up being committed to a treatment facility if she keeps going down the path she is on now. The police have been to her rehab facility twice..once when she called and said she was being kept against her will, and once when she tried to escape. She is persistent in her desire to go home, but that is looking more and more unlikely.

All of this just breaks my heart. She is her own worst enemy it seems. I cannot convince her to cooperate with her treatment. Some days she will do her physical therapy and take her medications...other days she will not. When I called last night she was in her room stubbornly refusing to go to dinner. When the nurse told her I was on the phone her only answer was "I will deal with her later". She is in full on combative mode.

I am exhausted both physically and mentally with this situation. I won't be able to protect her anymore or mitigate whatever trouble she gets into now. I have power of attorney, but have limited contact due to the story she told the doctor about me shoving her down the stairs. Stairs that she admitted yesterday she did not even have in her apartment. She just keeps spinning out of control. The further she spins, the less control she has over her situation.

6:52am Sunday

2011-05-01T20:20:00.000-07:00

Today the phone rang at 6:52am. It was a staff member from the rehab facility telling me that Mom was trying to escape again. She was pissed because she had a lot of other patients to care for and needed me to come down to help. I explained that I could not be alone with her because of the allegation she made against me.

A second nurse called a few minutes later and told me that the would have to call the police if she kept trying to get out the door. The police finally were called and talked her back into her room somehow.

I dropped off some clean clothes later and got an earful about how she was going to sue her "Jew" doctor. She was upset that I had brought so many clothes. I told her I wasn't going to make a bunch of trips this week just for her clothes.

I left the room so upset that I started to sob in the hallway. The nurse hugged me and then explained that they had called a county Mental Health Professional in to assess Mom's condition. This could lead to civil commitment. All of this just makes me sick to my stomach. There is very little that I can do at this point except watch Mom going into an angry free fall. It is terrible to witness.

More: From bad to worse

2011-04-30T07:56:00.000-07:00

Mom told one of her doctors last Sunday that I had thrown her down the stairs. Completely untrue, but still an allegation of abuse. He charted it, now the State of Washington is involved through Adult Protective Services. What this means for me is that I not allowed to be in a room alone with her. I can only see her with another adult present or in an open public space at the rehab facility.

It will also most likely mean that she will never get to go back to her apartment as I am her only caregiver. She would never allow a stranger into her home to care for her because she is just too paranoid. Her care options have been dramatically narrowed by her actions...not that she will ever see it that way.

This news is both a relief and devastating at the same time. The relief comes in knowing that others will now be charge of her fate. The devastation part is that she so wants to go back to her apartment, to her furniture, her locked up foot chests filled with what she sees as her treasure.

I talked about all this in therapy yesterday. It helps a bit to talk about all of this with another adult. My therapist made the point that I had chosen to take care of myself, my bipolar diagnosis, and be in charge of my own health and life. Mom, on the other hand, has always fought any effort to ameliorate her health problems. Her efforts have gone into trying to be in absolute control of everyone around her. She is more out of control of her fate than ever, but I doubt anyone can make sense of all of this for her. Her doctors now believe she has some mild form of dementia that comes and goes....kind of like a flickering light bulb.

I am grieving the downward spiral of her life. I am grieving how she has fought everyone in the last month who is trying to help her. She focuses just on what she wants and cannot see the broader horizon. Now by her own actions, her horizon is narrower than it has ever been.

My therapist pointed out that she spent 60 years with my Dad, who spent those same 60 years trying to do whatever he could to help her be happy, despite her paranoia and impulsive nature. She has traveled a bit, always had beautiful clothes, homes or apartments, been cared for by me for four years, never really had to deal with much in the way of health problems until her late 80's...so a pretty nice if somewhat small life. But she chose to be manipulative her entire life...and has always been pretty unhappy. Now she has painted herself into a pretty small corner that will make her more unhappy than she has ever been in her life.

I wish my Dad was alive to help me with her. He always found a strategy to work around her difficult personality and peculiar thinking patterns. I know he must have prayed for 60 years for strength and guidance. I do the same now, but find myself exhausted, in despair, and completely overwhelmed by the complexity of the current situation.

Poetry has always been a source of strength and comfort to me. I found this stanza from Maya Angelou's poem, "Still I Rise" and it seems to fit for me right now.

You may shoot me with your words,
You may cut me with your eyes,
You may kill me with your hatefulness,
But still, like air, I'll rise.

Maya Angelou

Day 28

2011-04-27T19:57:00.000-07:00

Mom is again agitated about going home. I had a conversation with one of the doctors at the rehab facility today and that seems less and less likely. She probably could go into assisted living or an adult family home.

I know that an adult family home will not work at all. She is so paranoid it would just be impossible. She would also not get along with others and one thing would lead to another ...and then my phone would ring. Assisted living is not going to be an easy route either. She has it in her head that she is going home and wants it to be sooner rather than later.

Today, she told me that she was going to take a cab home. She has no keys, no purse, no money...but I wished her well. I am going to schedule another Care Conference because I just cannot be the only one trying to get her to see her new reality.

I am exhausted with the whole situation, but here we are...on Day 28. The doctor said that she would be in the rehab facility two to four more weeks. Mom is going to blow her stack on that bit of news. Add to this the information that she has a mild form of dementia...and you have a potent mix of troubled elements.

No wonder I am tired....this is a lot to manage. Mom is doing very little to cooperate and I am a bit paralyzed as to what I should do next. Maybe I should look at assisted living facilities...maybe I should wait until a get a call back from DSHS about her Medicare and Medicaid status....maybe I should just go take a nap....

Day 28...onto Day 29

The same

2011-04-25T21:18:00.000-07:00

Every day is the same. Mom calls me at some point and starts giving me a hard time about how I need to get down to the rehab facility/nursing home and take her back to her apartment. Her version of things has her able to walk unassisted, go to the bathroom without help, basically do everything she needs to do to live alone again. These calls are always difficult because I am now the bad guy, the person who is standing in her way. I try to explain that it is up to the doctors and the physical therapists to determine if she is capable of being on her own again. I find it really doubtful...but she is determined to get back to her apartment.

My challenge is not to let her take me down with her on this particular manipulative journey she is on. It is exhausting to have to been the one she is verbally abusing. I feel bad that she is having such a hard time ...but she has also not taken full advantage of this opportunity to rehab her hip and learn some new safety techniques.

Tomorrow, it will be the same again...the phone will ring and the conversation will repeat itself all over again. Just thinking about it makes me tired and full of despair.

Easter Sunday...go down swinging, Mom

2011-04-24T20:50:00.000-07:00

Exhale, inhale, exhale again....inhale again...repeat until I feel calm again. Today was a tough day with Mom. She called this morning before I left for church, but I just did not have the strength to deal with her. Every call has been the same for a month.

"The doctor says I can go home. Come get me today, tonight, right now, so that I can sleep in my own bed. Bring my purse, bring my checkbook, bring cab fare so I can go HOME. I want to go HOME....I hate it here, the food is terrible..all I do is sit in a wheelchair....they are taking my money...get me out of here NOW!"

It is a variation on this theme over and over again. I know that the doctor has not released her. I know that she is bored and anxious. I know that she is more scared than she has ever been before. I know that is she more manipulative than she has ever been before. She is not in control now and she wants to get back in control and she will say and do almost anything to make that happen.

I tears at my flesh to see Mom like this, but I cannot physically or emotionally take care of her anymore. We have crossed into a new frontier of nursing assistants to take her to the bathroom, dress her, get her into her wheelchair...take her to her physical and occupational therapy.

I have no idea if she will ever be able to go back to her apartment. It seems unlikely from everything I have been told so far. She needs help going to the bathroom, and getting dressed. She is a high fall risk because of her hip and her age...and her instability. I have talked to her physical therapist and her occupational therapist...both say that she can never be alone again.

All I know is that I can never take on her care again. I have done it for four years and I just don't have it in me to take on anymore. Of course, Mom will not understand this...my need to have my own life, my own family, my own breathing space. As a narcissist, she will only she herself and her own needs. She has made me the enemy now, but she will become anything she needs to become to get her way.

To find her ticket back to her apartment...where she was miserable before...telling me how blue she was, how lonely, how lost. There is no good solution here. She will fight me every step of the way until she is finally gone. This resilience, this stubbornness, this is her legacy to me. Go down swinging....Mom, go down swinging.

Phone calls

2011-04-16T22:33:00.000-07:00

Mom calls me several times a day to tell me to come get her. Today she informed me that the Doctor said she could leave as long as I gave my permission. I checked with her nurse and found out that no such order has been put in her chart by her doctor. I asked the woman at the nurses desk to stop giving her the phone because I need a break for this behavior. I also asked them to leave a note for the Doctor on her chart. I need to talk with him and get a better idea of what is happening with her congestive heart failure and the pneumonia.

Friday with Mom

2011-04-16T22:25:00.001-07:00

My nephew Danny visited Mom. It was great that he could come with me after we had breakfast. He was so good with her...talking, holding her hand, helping me get her dressed for lunch. It was amazing to see what a wonderful man he has become. His visit made Mom's day. She introduced him to all the ladies at her lunch table. Danny told her he would come back again to visit. As we left we waved to her through the window as we walked down the path to the street.

We talked a lot afterward about Mom, Dad....my brother, his family...how Danny is doing. It was so great to see him. I would be friends with him even if he wasn't my nephew....he is just that cool.

I know it made Mom's day pretty happy....she talks about him all the time...and has been asking me all kinds of questions about his life. I managed to arrange one of the things she has been wanting....time with her grandson.

While we were there I talked with the woman who has been working with Mom on her physical therapy. She told me that Mom is really funny and gave me an example of her humor. She told this woman "you don't have to be crazy to be here, but it helps". Classic humor from Mom!

From bad to worse

2011-04-11T22:57:00.000-07:00

Mom has been difficult all day. She was pretty crabby when I dropped by to sit with her at breakfast this morning. Mark sent me a text telling me that she asked him to take her home. He asked her to come to her room to have a conversation in private and she refused to go. He turned and walked out of the facility. I got a call from her on my cell this afternoon. She was demanding that I come get her and take her home. I refused and told her she needed to be where she was...that it wasn't safe for her to come home.

When I got to the facility this evening, she was sitting by the elevators with her satchel in her lap. When she saw me she waved and smiled. She told me that I had to take her home. I tried to reason with her...I tried distracting her by asking if she had had her hair shampooed and cut today. Nothing worked.

I had a conversation with two of the employees...her nurse and the care coordinator. They told me that she was refusing to eat and would not take her medication. Their big concern was that refusing the antibiotics would put her in a dangerous position with the increased coughing and the pneumonia. I pleaded with her to eat something, take her antibiotics and then get some sleep. She refused again.

While I was talking to her doctor on the phone, she managed to move over to the wall in her wheelchair, get up and then stand holding onto the railing. Three employees where standing around her for safety. The doctor and I agreed that she needed to stay put and that the best strategy was just to wait her out in hopes that she would eventually get tired and hungry.

The nurses asked me what to do about the antibiotics. I told them not to force them on her...just to let her be. She was begging me to take her to her home while I walked down the hall to the exit. It was one of the worst days I have ever had with Mom. I can only hope that tomorrow she is in a better frame of mind.

I know that I am going to stay away for a day and see if that doesn't help a bit. I think it may cause her to think about going back to her place when she sees me. Looking at her tonight, trying to reason with her.....my heart was just breaking. Why does she have to make everything so hard for herself and for those who are closest to her? I am sure I will never know.

Day 11

2011-04-10T20:47:00.001-07:00

Today is Day 11 in the rehab facility. Mom has been pretty tired all weekend. She started it off with a fall in her room on Friday afternoon.

Mom slide off the toilet seat in her room last Friday because she refused to call for an aid to help her. When I got there she was sitting in a chair by the nurse's station. She was totally wiped out. I sat with her and rubbed her back. They were preparing to take x-rays and blood tests sometime during the evening. They found that she had not injured or broken anything. They did find that she had some kind of spot on her lung..so they are treating her for pneumonia.

When Mom fell, she was trying to prove she could go to the bathroom on her own so she can go home by next Thursday. I don't see that happening but I try to keep encouraging her to work with her physical therapist. The main problem is she had so little strength. Her hands have arthritis, her feet give her trouble with neurapathy, and she has trouble maneuvering.

I was at the facility a lot over the weekend. I try to encourage Mom to eat, but nothing really seems to taste good to her. She ate the most at lunch today when she ate her chicken fried steak, half her mashed potatoes, and a few bits of broccoli. Tonight she just picked at her chicken caesar salad and banana cake.

She says that her stomach hurts all the time. That is probably from the antiobiotics that she is taking. She complains that she is taking too many pills. I asked for a listing of everything she is taking, but my request will have to go through medical records department at the facility.

I also pitched a mini fit there yesterday trying to get her a toilet seat riser that elevates the seat. She is used to using one at home. It helps her get to the toilet without having to bend down too far. I got a bit of a bureaucratic run around being shuffled from person to person yesterday. One woman said she knew that Mom had fallen because she did not have the riser, but that the physical therapist would have to get an ok for one. I just got very firm and said that I knew the facility would not want my Mom to fall again and that I thought this simple item would help her a lot. Voila....there is was this afternoon when I got to Mom's room.

I am going in early tomorrow morning so I can catch her doctor. I want to understand more of what we are dealing with and get a realistic evaluation of her ability to be on her own or not...then I can move ahead and start to plan for one of these scenarios.

I am physically and emotionally exhausted. Mom is pretty down and not feeling well. It is hard to see her in this situation because she does not do well when she is not in control. I am just putting one foot in front of the other while trying to be her advocate.

911

2011-04-02T20:12:00.000-07:00

It turns out that the hospital and the surgery were the easy part of this week. Once I had Mom moved to a rehabilitation facility, all hell broke loose. Mom seemed fine when I was with her on Thursday afternoon. She rested in bed while I put all her clothes away. She ate some lunch and I signed a bunch of papers. She got agitated when she was asked to sign some papers and it basically went downhill from there. I finally left the facility when she began to beg me to take her home.

She ended up calling me all afternoon with the same plea.."take me home....I don't want to be here". She finally packed all her clothes, put everything on her over bed table and rolled it as far as she could until the staff got her into a wheelchair. She then proceeded to move to the lobby where she sat all afternoon and into the evening demanding to be taken home. The staff kept calling me and then putting her on the phone so she could beg directly. They finally called to say that she had called the police and told them that she was being held against her will. The staff asked that I come down to talk to the police.

I sat in my car in front of the facility waiting for the police to arrive for about a half hour. I arranged for my best friend to come over and be with me. I just did not want to handle this alone. She finally arrived, the police finally arrived....and the talking began. The officers did a great job...really trying to reason with her that she needed to be there to get stronger after her hip surgery. At one point the nurse asked if I would help hold Mom down so they could give her a shot of Atavan. I told her I could not do that ....she would see that as a total betrayal. We called my brother so the officer and Mom could both talk to him. After they talked to my brother, I talked to him. He felt Mom was upset to be in the same facility where Dad had died in 2007. I told him that was a complete smokescreen. Mom would say anything to manipulate people into giving in to her. I knew it was a complete waste of time to try and reason with her, but I let the process play out. There is no reasoning with someone who has both paranoid personality disorder and borderline personality disorder. Throw a little dementia in there and you have a very toxic stew.

I finally left because I knew there was nothing else I could do. The officers somehow got her to her room and kept talking to her. I don't know if they ever gave her the shot.

Since Thursday I have checked on her each day via phone. She was with a staff member all day on Friday because she tried to leave the facility. She was pouring over the yellow pages...probably trying to find a moving company to take her back to Arizona. Today she took her vitamins and her pain pill and had 8 hours sleep last night. Maybe they do have her on Atavan. All I know is that I can't take care of her anymore.

Where we are now

2011-03-30T20:09:00.001-07:00

I know it has been a while since I have posted any entries to this blog. Work, helping Mom, our new daughter ...basically life has gotten pretty busy these days.

The short story is that Mom broke her hip last Sunday morning. It took me 2 hours to convince her she needed to go to the hospital. Once I had put some things she wanted into her trunks, she let me call 911. She insisted on putting her lipstick on before the 4 firemen arrived. They cut the right leg of her pants, evaluated her and called a cabulance to transport her to Virginia Mason Hospital.

I followed them to the Emergency Room. They gave her a nerve block, took some x-rays, evaluated her overall health and sent her to the Ortho floor to await surgery. They ended up monitoring her the rest of Sunday and all day Monday to make sure she could handle surgery. They found she has congestive heart failure, some valve blockage, one side of the heart that doesn't move much, and of course, her diabetes.

I finally went with her to the door of the surgical area about 6pm on Monday night. The anesthesiologist called around 7:30pm to let me know that her age and condition made this a high risk procedure. The surgeon called about 10:30pm to let me know it had gone well.

I saw Mom the next day, and she seemed to be doing fairly well. They got her out of bed a little and worked with her on her post operative precautions...no bending down, not pivoting her right foot, no more than a 70% angle. Today she walked with the aid of a walker and a Physical therapist for 100 feet. She amazes everyone with her resilience.

Tomorrow she is being transferred to a rehab facility for up to 20 days to build her strength. I will meet her there and bring more clothes. I will also help ease her into the place, as I know she is extremely nervous about being in this facility. This is where my Dad died in June of 2007. She probably fears the same will happen to her.

It has been an emotionally exhausting week for both of us...but she is still in hanging in there.

Mom's 91st Birthday

2011-03-01T20:11:00.000-08:00

Mom with her birthday cake tonight

Mom at the restaurant on Sunday

Pamela and Haven at the restaurant on Sunday

Sunday I took Mom, Pamela and Haven for lunch at a local seafood restaurant. The big hit for Mom was the chocolate sundae at the end of the meal. She seemed to enjoy getting out and spending time with us. She really gets a kick out of Haven and all her little antics.

Today is Mom's 91st birthday. I started her day by calling and singing her "Happy Birthday". Her first words were "I knew you would call". I arranged with her to bring dinner over tonight after work. Fried chicken, mashed potatoes and gravy, cabbage salad, and a chocolate baby cake with a candle.

Mom never talks much while we eat. I think she needs to concentrate. Her hearing is now so bad that it is difficult to communicate with her. We seem to do best over the phone.

After dinner, which was a big hit, I helped Mom get ready for bed. She sat on the bed in her nightgown while I sat with her marveling at her 91st birthday. She said that she hopes there aren't many more. She is having more foot pain with the neuropathy, more trouble with her heart and is just generally getting tired of living.

I did her dishes, took out the garbage and kissed her goodnight. I did what I could to make it a pleasant evening.

Happy Birthday, Mom.

And then she fell

2011-01-24T21:33:00.000-08:00

Mom fell on January 10th. I found out when her apartment manager called me at 6:38am to let me know about it. She had called him thinking he was right down the hall. By the time I arrived at 7am I found her propped against the wall next to her apartment door. She had dragged herself across the apartment to remove the security bar she puts on her door every night.

I knew that I could not life her by myself, so I came up with a strategy to get her to move to the bathroom toilet just a few feet away. Once there, I had her grab onto the bathtub handle I had installed. While she was doing that I lifted her to the toilet seat. She sat there for awhile and rested while I figured out what to do next. I finally got her back to her comfortable chair in the living room. I made her some breakfast and got some fresh coffee brewing.

I knew I had to get to work so I called and left a message for my brother to stop by if he had time. I sat at work agonizing over the fragile state Mom was in when I left. I finally made arrangements to take my computer and work from her apartment. While driving there my brother called and said she as fine, that he had prepared some lunch for her and there was no need for me to return. I asked him if she was dressed...meaning out of her nightgown and he said she was dressed. Knowing how little interest my brother has in Mom I thought it best to go spend some time with her.

When I arrived, she was using her walker to move slowly around the apartment. She was still wearing the nightgown I found her in that morning only now it was stained with her lunch. I got her to change nightgowns and had her put her robe on top of it. Next I did her laundry and did the dishes. Sensing that she was pretty scared by her morning I just sat with her and let her tell me exactly what happened in more detail. I finally fixed her dinner and turned down her bed before I left for the day.

She continued to complain of aches and pains over the next week, but that has slowly subsided. Luckily, it doesn't appear that she has broken any bones. Even if she had, she refused to go to the hospital or any doctor for a checkup.

This experience shook her up in a more profound way than any of her other falls. She is getting frailer all the time. I just hope I can be of help when the next incident happens.

Christmas 2010

2010-12-25T20:32:00.000-08:00

Christmas 2008

Christmas 2009

Christmas 2010
Mom seemed much diminished this Christmas. She has been having a lot of foot pain and edema in both legs. Her legs and ankles are really swollen. Overall, she seemed quieter. She enjoyed the meal that Pamela made and ate everything on her plate. When we moved to the living room to open gifts, she was slow and needed assistance to get to the couch. Once she was there, she seemed to enjoy her Christmas presents. She also enjoyed sitting with Haven, our 7 month old daughter.

It took both of us to help her to the car. I took the long way home so we could see some Christmas lights. After I drove her home, I took her upstairs and helped her with her nightly routine; folding back the bed, closing the blinds. She insisted on sitting up for awhile in her chair. She has been ending up in this chair fairly regularly because she wakes up short of breath. Last night, she was there from 3am onward. She told me she was tired when we arrived today...and then poured out the whole story: waking up unable to breath, moving to the chair for the rest of the night..the overall exhaustion.

I really wish she would let me take her to a doctor. She appears to be in pretty shaky condition. Pamela thinks I should just take her to the hospital. I can't do it..that is the last thing in the world that she wants. It is so hard to watch the slow deterioration.

This will be a slow descent

2010-12-08T06:51:00.000-08:00

I took dinner over to Mom last night. In the last few days she has been telling me how exhausted she is feeling. She talks about her heart feeling weaker. Her ankles and lower legs are also swollen with edema. I feel like I am watching her slow descent into the next and perhaps final stage of her life. The good news is that she had a good dinner and some company for awhile. After dinner I took out her garbage and then helped her get ready for bed.

From: http://medical-dictionary.thefreedictionary.com/edema

Edema is a condition of abnormally large fluid volume in the circulatory system or in tissues between the body's cells.

Heart failure. When the heart is unable to maintain adequate blood flow throughout the circulatory system, the excess fluid pressure within the blood vessels can cause shifts into the interstitial spaces. Right-sided heart failure can cause pitting edema, a swelling in the tissue under the skin of the lower legs and feet. Pressing this tissue with a finger tip leads to a noticeable momentary indentation.

And she just went walking along

2010-12-02T19:54:00.001-08:00

This was Mom on her 89th birthday, March 1, 2009. She walked to the car aided by her cane but with very little assistance. We switched her to the transport chair to get her into the restaurant and to our table. She remained in the transport chair throughout the meal.

This in Mom on Thanksgiving Day 2010 with her new-to-her walker. I put pink tennis balls on the back legs because I thought that might convince her to keep it and actually use it. It was the right tool at the right time. Mom embraced her walker and has been using it every day. This is something she has resisted for at least 2 years. Timing is everything.

The Millinery Department

2010-11-19T19:00:00.000-08:00

That is where Mom wanted to go today at all the department stores at the mall. I told her that the Millinery Department no longer exists. She was dressed to the nines as usual...cloche hat, purse, heels, skirt and blouse and a leather and mink jacket. One woman actually came up to tell her how much she liked the jacket and put her hand on Mom's shoulder. I had to tell the woman that Mom is profoundly deaf and could not hear people. After the woman left, I tried to convey her compliment.

After lunch we went to Penneys, Macy's, Nordstrom and Sears. At each store we looked at something....new lotion at the Eve Arden counter. Mom couldn't make a decision. Hats in all stores...nothing was the right style or price. The one pair of pants she liked were not available in her size.

I was getting a little frustrated with Mom's indecisiveness so I finally said that we needed to leave to do her grocery shopping.

By the time I got her shopping done and drove back to the house, Mom was exhausted. She got into her pajamas while I made her a little snack to eat before bed. I can see that she is not going to able to do another big shopping day this year before Christmas.

And the door was closed

2010-11-10T20:53:00.000-08:00

Mom got into another little snafu today. She went to the garage to drop off her garbage and found the door open to the street where the truck comes to pick up the garbage. What she didn't realize was that the door to the garage had closed and she could not figure out how to get back into the building. I guess I had forgotten to tell her that her outside building key worked in that lock.

She ended up trying to walk all the way around the building to the front door. It is quite a ways for her to walk by herself. Luckily, three Asian people came up and helped her along. Eventually, the manager of her building came to her rescue and got her back to her apartment and into her chair. She was exhausted from her little trip and sat there for about an hour before continuing on with her day.

Of course, she told this story with relish and managed to laugh it off. I am sure that she was terrified at the time. Picture this: a 90 year old woman with a cane clutching her purse trying to walk the equivalent of a long city block. It is a miracle that she did not fall and break a hip.

Where we are now

2010-10-31T20:39:00.000-07:00

Mom is well into her 90th year. Her memory isn't as strong, her body is not what it was, but she continues to go on as best she can each day.

Recently, she has fallen twice in one week. She couldn't remember how she ended up on the floor earlier this week. She thought she might have gotten her feet tangled in the bedclothes when she got up to go to the bathroom. All she knew was that she ended up on her back looking at the ceiling. She also had a rather nasty and bloody injury near her elbow. She thought about calling me, but decided that I had had such a long day of driving that she would not disturb me. Once I did find out what had happened, I went over to take a look at her injury. It was pretty awful, so we tried putting one of those big antiseptic bandages on it.

That didn't really work too well, so we tried gauze, but that stuck to the wound. I finally found some sterile pads that were treated not to stick to the skin and some cloth tape. Mom's skin is paper thin at this point, so the cloth tape doesn't irritate it or damage it. I have gone over several times this week to redress the wound. It is doing better and seems to be forming a scab.

When I talked to Mom tonight she said she had almost fallen again. She was turning and had a hard time getting her canes in position. She described it as floundering, so I know she should be using a walker. Of course, she refuses to use one. I am not up for that battle right now.

I took her to her Mother's grave with some flowers that I had actually purchased for Mom. She talked about how she, Dad and I would all be buried together. This is one of the regular topics as Mom and Dad's grave is right next to my Grandmother's grave. I really don't know how I feel about being cremated and buried with my parents. I suppose at that point, I won't have any feelings about it.

Tomorrow is the start of a new month....Nov. 2010. I wonder what it will bring.

Memory holes

2010-10-15T21:22:00.000-07:00

Mom is an odd combination of really sharp and very forgetful. I can explain the same thing to her several times and we always end up at the beginning of the conversation as if we had not been talking at all. I am not altogether sure if she is fully processing information or she finds it impossible to retain anything.

She has been kind of exhausting in the last several weeks. It took me three visits to get her the right shirt last week. She buys things and then can't figure out how to use them....and of course, wants me to return the item. Grocery shopping has gotten a bit harder because the has a harder time maneuvering the cart and often doesn't have much of a sense of what she even wants to buy.

Today she bought a giant cake, Halloween candy, two bags of chocolate covered peanuts and two bags of cookies. She also bought other things that were more nutritious such as frozen meals, milk, ham lunch meat and bananas.

I am feeling pretty exhausted with her because she is always so critical of my life and my family. She will never be supportive of me as a lesbian, nor will she ever acknowledge that Pamela and our daughter are my family. At 56 I am pretty fed up with all of this....and the holidays are coming...so this will all come up once again.

I am getting worn out by Mom and really don't know how much longer I can deal with her. She has the kind of personality that drives people away from her and right now I just need a break from her.

Memory loss

2010-09-15T20:14:00.000-07:00

Mom finally said it out loud tonight. "I am having trouble with my memory". I was helping her get ready for bed when she finally told me about her memory problems. I have known for awhile that she was experiencing some difficulties. She has asked what our baby's name is every day for over a week.

I took her hand and asked her to sit down on her bed. Once she was seated I asked her what she was having trouble remembering. She gazed off into space and said nothing. I said, "You must have forgotten what you have forgotten". That made her smile and laugh a bit. It is true...she has forgotten what she has forgotten.

So..I feel we have reached another bend in the road. For Mom to acknowledge her memory problems out loud is a milestone of sorts. I felt sad on the way home...it is hard for her to know that her memory is failing her...and it is hard for me to see her slipping away bit by bit.

Update on Mom

2010-09-11T21:06:00.000-07:00

Mom is beginning to visibly fail. Her memory is a little sketchy, her gait is more unsteady and she complains constantly about being lonely. The worst part is the crying she does every time I prepare to leave. It is heartbreaking to leave her there, but I have to get on with the rest of my life. Mom would consume my entire life if I let her. She is used to 24 hour a day care from my father, but that ended over 3 years ago.

Now that I am working, she is having a tough time adapting to my new schedule. I didn't call her in time the other night and by the time I did get to her, she was pretty upset, anxious and hysterical. She was worried sick that something had happened to me. I know on some level she knows her life is dependent on me, but she refuses to consider any other living arrangement that would be easier on both of us. I have basically given up trying to convince her to move into a retirement home. She always says she doesn't have enough money. She is still controlling her banking information, so I have very little idea of what her financial situation really is these days.

I do have a lot of empathy for Mom, despite her stubborn resistance to change and her quirky ways of handling her affairs. I would love to figure out a way to help her make a happier life for her remaining time on earth. I have had to give up the idea that I can make that happen for her.

Sunday breakfast

2010-08-22T20:23:00.000-07:00

I took Mom to Burien today to have breakfast at the new Grand Central Bakery. She was desperate to get out of her apartment so I thought up this little outing for us. We shared a wonderful piece of blueberry peach coffee cake. She had biscuits, sausage and a sunny side up egg. I had an egg on toast. Both of us had coffee. Mom seemed to really enjoy sitting and watching people in the restaurant. She never really wants to do more than watch.

I mentioned the idea of living in an assisted living facility again. Again she resisted....saying that her money would run out too fast. I tried to convince her that it probably would be ok, and that she would have people around to eat with, or just be nearby. She is always so sad and lonely these days. She cries every time I leave. It is heartbreaking. I wish she would not resist the idea of another kind of living.

Morning, Mom

2010-08-18T09:58:00.000-07:00

Every morning I call Mom. She used to get up super early and call me at 6:00am. I finally had to put a stop to that. Now I usually call her around 8:30am. She often gets up at 6:00am, eats some breakfast and then falls back to sleep in her chair. More and more, she complains that she is tired all the time. I think this is a combination of boredom, depression and a failing heart.

The call is the same every morning. I call, it rings about 20 times, she finally picks up and tells me that she has been asleep in her chair. I ask if she has had breakfast. She reels off a list of all she has eaten...usually cereal, some fruit, toast with jam and of course, the ubiquitous cup of coffee. She asks me what I am going to be doing that day, and when I am going to see her again. I ask her to make a grocery list and she always forgets. Actually, I suspect that her writing and reasoning skills are getting a little shaky. I end the conversation by telling her I will call her in the early evening around 4:30pm.

She lives for these calls. The calls help her know day from night and give her an opportunity to ask me what day it is. She has a wall calendar where I have taught her to mark off each day as a means of staying in contact with the passage of time. More and more, she just says that she forgets things.

It was hard to see her on Monday night. I made us dinner, which she didn't particularly care for at all. It was filet of sole, butter beans and spinach in a sauce. I try new things because she says she gets bored with the frozen dinners. I am finding that her range of taste preferences is getting smaller and smaller.

When I left she followed me to the door asking when she would see me again and weeping. I have to say that when she starts this behavior I put up an emotional wall right away. I feel manipulated by her tears and neediness. As I walked down the hallway to the elevator I am torn between anger and sorrow.

My life is being lived on the edges of one spectrum: with Mom at 90 and with Pamela my partner and our new daughter Haven as she turns three months old today. I often feel like my emotional arms are being pulled in both directions. I have to focus on time for myself so that I can be at my best for the two families in my life. For the joyful side visit my other blog at http://ourpathtomotherhood.blogspot.com

Losing my patience

2010-07-20T09:52:00.000-07:00

I called Mom to check in this morning. I never know if the conversation will be benign...what she had for breakfast is a popular topic...or difficult. This morning was difficult. She received a bill for an office visit to her opthamologist yesterday that kept her up all night worrying.

Truth be told, she is up and down all night anyway going to the bathroom....but that is another blog post.

So..I had a anxious, sleep deprived 90 year old on the phone freaking out over a bill that is due in four days. She wanted me to rush over there and take her to Safeway so she could purchase a money order. She only uses her personal checks for her rent and the phone and light bills. Everything else, such as items purchased from catalogs, her water bill, which goes to an out of state company, and her medical bills are paid with money orders. It makes no sense to me...and it creates more work for me...so naturally, I am not very understanding of her irrational system around who gets a check and who gets a money order. Most likely, she saw something or read something about identify theft and has created this system to protect herself. Or this is just the way she has always been.

We went around and around about this particular crisis. I told her I could not come over today ...that it was not a crisis and I would come over tomorrow. Perhaps she will have forgotten about it by the time we talk this evening.

Mom has always had the habit of making the simplest tasks difficult. After I hung up the phone this morning, I just stood in the laundry room sobbing. I prayed for patience, but just felt engulfed by the weight of responsibility of dealing with Mom's daily needs.

She is old, she is confused, she has never been too good about dealing with the world in a rational manner. Dad was the rational one, the one that took care of the bills...the one with the income that supported them. Now she is muddling through in her own anxious and befuddled manner. It takes so much energy to help her take care of her life. I am exhausted with it...and it is only 10:30am.

In the nick of time

2010-07-18T08:15:00.000-07:00

I stopped by Mom's apartment yesterday on my way home from having breakfast with a friend at the Alki Cafe. It was a wonderful way to start the morning...eating biscuits and gravy, seeing a friend, listening to each others stories.

I called Mom from the car and of course she wanted me to come for lunch...but I had other items on my agenda today. I did decide to stop by to drop off some homemade chocolate chip oatmeal cookies.

Just as I walked in the door and rounded the corner into her sleeping alcove, I discovered Mom trying to lift her heavy brass headboard. How she was able to get it up so high, I have no idea. She yelled for me to come help her. I immediately dropped the cookies and ran to grab the headboard. I told Mom to get out of the way and go sit down.

Once I got her clear of the area, I adjusted the headboard, which she was trying to flip to the other side and reposition on the wall. This was the part where Mom sat on the sofa motioning with her hands to indicate that I needed to move the headboard a little this way or that...she loves being the furniture director. I moved her dresser slightly and put back her bed side table.

What amazes me is the woman who is so weak she can barely get out of her chair suddenly is able to move furniture. Granted, she could have seriously hurt herself if I hadn't walked in just in the nick of time to grab the brass headboard.

So..is she faking when she says she is so weak just to get me to come over and spend time with her? Does she have some powerful life force still left inside that comes to life every now and then? I simply don't know..and both questions can probably be answered with one simple word...YES!

I talked with her about the dangers of what she had been doing with the furniture. She agreed that she couldn't do that kind of thing anymore. But there was a trace of a smile and a bit of a laugh in her eyes when she agreed to the sensible limits I was putting on her behavior. She gets a kick out of pushing her own personal envelope. She is just lucky that my Dad and I have been there over the years to save her from herself.

Long day...

2010-07-15T21:41:00.001-07:00

When I called Mom this morning her voice was so weak when she answered the phone. She said she wasn't doing very well...felt very weak. She asked me to come over to take out her garbage. I told her I would be over in an hour.

When I arrived, Mom was sitting in her easy chair fast asleep. I touched her gently on the arm to wake her. She looked really gray ...kind of exhausted. My first thought was that she was dehydrated. She drinks lots of coffee, but not very much water. I got her to drink a glass of water and made her some lunch.

I made a salad, some vegetables and a small salisbury steak for her lunch. I sat with her while she ate. There is no talking while she eats. She just slowly eats her meal. We talked a little bit after she was done and then did the dishes and took her garbage down to the basement.

I waited around for the mail woman to finish filling the boxes. Mom always looks forward to the mail...but today there was nothing. I took her keys back to her, kissed her on the forehead, lightly touched her hair and then left.

It is strange...this woman has been such a difficult person in my life. The process of watching her slowly die, inch by inch is difficult..for her, and for me. I find myself feeling melancholy at the thought of her being gone. At other times I joke about how it will be good when she is gone. All these conflicting emotions are tiring.

Bad day in Bedrock

2010-07-13T17:31:00.000-07:00

I called Mom this morning to tell her I would be over in the early afternoon instead of the morning to fix her TV. She can't manage to work the two remotes to get the digital channels. My brother and I have both explained it to her, I have labeled the TV remote for on/off and volume control...but she keeps using the digital tuner remote incorrectly.

When I got to Mom's she was in a really bad mood. My brother had been there earlier and fixed her TV but did not talk with her other than to give her a hard time about calling him 4 times yesterday. She admitted that she intentionally messed up the TV today after my brother had left it on a channel with a "black man". Her continued racist comments makes me sick.

I fixed the TV and decided that I was not going to be verbally abused by her just because she doesn't have the relationship she wants to have with my brother. Getting out of there was hard, as she tried to block my exit from the living room with her body. She also stood in the hallway crying and telling me she had something to tell me. This is a standard line with her...so I know she was just trying to manipulate me into staying and hearing her sad story about my brother's behavior.

When I called to check in on her tonight she was still in a foul mood. She told me she was upset because she couldn't get a hold of the manager of an apartment building in Arizona. She is again trying to figure out a way to get back to Arizona. She wants me to bring over Dad's ashes so he can go with her. She also accused me of being after her money..which is a joke. If she lives longer than another year, she is going to be in deep trouble financially. She finished her tirade by saying that she just wants to die.

I have a feeling that Mom is going to have a long and difficult journey to death. Her anger and unhappiness keep her firmed rooted in her life. It is the essence of what connects her to her life...no matter how unhappy she is here or anywhere. Moving to Arizona will not make her happy.

Having a better relationship with my brother will not make her happy. Having more of my time will not make her happy. I have no clue what makes her happy other than trying to order me around and eating candy...which is exactly how she behaved with Dad. She has transferred all of her behaviors from her relationship with Dad to me. But I am not Dad, and I have made it clear that I won't put up with her abusive language or behavior. She is kind of stuck..as I am the only person left on earth who is willing to help her.

It is not a job I relish or even enjoy very much...but it is the right thing to do, the humane thing to do. I promised Dad I would take care of her and that is what I am doing to the best of my ability. The trick is not being drowned out by the avalanche of negative emotions and behaviors that come my way.

I just feel like the life has been sucked out of me by her anger and unhappiness. I just needed to write it out on this blog so I can go on with my own day.

Church dinner

2010-07-07T22:48:00.000-07:00

I took Mom to the new Wednesday night dinner and church service tonight. She has been looking forward to it since I invited her a week ago. Even thought she is profoundly deaf now, she still had a good time. She got to dress up, get out of the apartment, have a nice meal and be with other people. So many friends came up to greet her and talk with her...it was nice to have others interact with Mom.

She complained that she can't hear when people talk to her or follow the service. She gets embarrassed by her hearing loss. I told her that maybe listening wasn't so important for her. I suggested that perhaps just being out and having a meal with other people is what she could enjoy. She told me that she would be glad to go again if I invite her. I will do just that. It gives her something to look forward to every week.

Once we got back to her apartment, I helped her get undressed and ready for bed. The same routine has not varied since I first started helping her after Dad died in 2007. She has lost most of her modesty and allows me to undo her bra and help her take off her outfits. I always bring her overnight pants and nightgown and help her into them. It is easy to do this....which always surprises me. I thought it would be strange ....or uncomfortable for me. It is actually easy to help because I know it makes it easier for her at the end of the day.

It was a good evening with Mom. I am thankful it worked out.

The pledge of allegiance

2010-07-04T21:13:00.000-07:00

I went over to Mom's today to make her breakfast. I arrived about 8:45am to find her starving. I asked her what she had for dinner last night and I could see that she was drawing a complete blank. I asked her gently if she had eaten any dinner and she could not remember if she had or not.

I immediately went to the kitchen and got her a cup of coffee. Her coffee has been part of her routine for many years...so I thought we would start there. I fixed scrambled eggs, bacon, toast with jam, and wedges of "Temptation" melon with blackberries and raspberries. Mom thought everything on the plate looked beautiful and immediately and silently began to eat. She was obviously very hungry as there was nothing left after a few minutes.

While I was washing the dishes, Mom remained in the living room.. I heard her say "I can't remember the Pledge". It took me a minute to register that she meant the Pledge of Allegiance". She got out the first part of the first line and then feel silent. This was a bittersweet moment for me...listening to her struggle to remember something she probably said day after day in school. Now some of those phrases are disappearing. Now she is forgetting to eat.

Here is the complete text: "I pledge allegiance to the flag of the United States of America and to the republic for which it stands, one nation under God, indivisible, with liberty and justice for all."

After cleaning up the kitchen I made Mom some meals: salads, lunch plates, spaghetti, chicken with mashed potatoes and green beans...anything to cue her to eat. She needed a break from frozen dinners....so hopefully these meals will encourage her to eat every day for a few days.

I took out the garbage and went to the store to pick up a few more items for Mom.

She was again confused about the new digital TV box that my brother installed along with the digital antenna I purchased. I showed her how it all worked again knowing full well she probably will not be able to retain this information anymore. No matter...I found her a program she liked and left it on.

The leave taking is harder and harder. Mom thanked me for spending so much time with her on the holiday. She thanked me for the meals that I set up for her. She thanked me for everything I am doing for her. I hugged her, kissed her forehead and then left her as gently as I could knowing that I would call this afternoon at 4:30pm like I always do.

I felt so sad and depressed as I drove away. Mom has been a difficult person for me since my childhood. She can be stubborn, obstinate, unreasonable, paranoid and very mean. She can also be loving, funny, sensitive and charming. She is really a character and I am beginning to understand that despite all the rough times, I will really miss her when she is gone. I was surprised by this revelation...but on many levels it makes sense. We have been together for many years, we have a lot of history...some of it good and some of it not so good. She is still my only Mom and the only link to certain memories in my childhood. She is also my only link to my relationship with Dad.

Summer in the park with Mom

2010-07-02T23:38:00.000-07:00

Today was a good day with Mom. I took her some bank information this morning and then picked her up this afternoon for a picnic at Alki Beach. We sat and talked and ate our sandwiches while the ferry boats and tugs went by on their rounds.

Mom loved the Cobb Salad, deviled eggs, half a turkey sandwich, potato chips, half a Mounds bar and some Sprite Zero. I suspect that she doesn't always eat well these days, so I try to have a couple of meals with her a week. I know that today she had a good lunch and got out in the fresh air for awhile.

When we got back to her place she showed me how my brother had fixed her TV. He had hooked up a new digital tuner with the digital antenna that I purchased for Mom. That is a big weight off of me. She was having such a hard time without TV.

Mom also showed me all her keys, where she keeps them and how she as no idea what most of them go to at this stage. She laughed and said I was going to have a heck of a time after she is gone.

Mom's feet were pretty bad today. I suspect she has diabetic neuropathy in both feet now.

The words of a song my Dad used to play keep going through my head. The song is called "September Song" by Kurt Weill and Maxwell Anderson. Here are the last two stanzas:

Oh, it's a long, long while from May to December
But the days grow short when you reach September
When the autumn weather turns the leaves to flame
One hasn't got time for the waiting game

Oh, the days dwindle down to a precious few
September, November
And these few precious days I'll spend with you
These precious days I'll spend with you

Mom can be a handful, but I still love her. I have a front row seat to her demise and eventual death. It is intense, it is a privilege, it is sometimes very hard, but I will see her through to the end of her life.

Another rough day

2010-06-28T21:48:00.000-07:00

I took Mom to the bank and out to lunch today. She was pretty bad at the bank...giving the banker a hard time about her accounts and her CD. She was rude to me as well...telling me that I was talking too much! All I was trying to do was help her. It is so clear that she is worried about how to handle her finances. This was something that Dad always did...but she struggles with it every time we go to the bank. After we left, I told her she really needed to behave in a nicer and kinder manner with people..including me. She basically just blew me off.

She told me on the way to lunch that she needed to go to Sears...so there we were in the bra section again trying to find a front closure bra. Thankfully, I found her size again and we were out of there in under a half hour. We glanced at clothes for a little while, but when she started getting difficult, I told her we were leaving.

Next stop, Ivar's on the Seattle waterfront. I finally found a parking place and then pushed her the two blocks to the restaurant in her transport chair. Once we got there is took a long time to get seated, an even longer time to get water and menus...and an eternity to finally get our meal. Mom doesn't talk much when she eats. She stays pretty focused on her food and struggles when she drops food on herself.

After lunch, we drove to the grocery store to pick up some dish soap and a money order. Mom has to pay her utility bill to a company out of state. She refuses to send them a check so we go to the store every month to get a money order.

Mom wanted to stop and shop for a baby book for Pamela and Haven, but I told her that I was tired. We had been out almost 5 hours and I was just exhausted both physically and mentally from her difficult behaviors. I got her back to her apartment and got her in the door. She started crying and apologizing about messing up her blouse at the restaurant. I told her it was a just a blouse and could be cleaned in the washer. I stepped into getting her new clothes and helping her get dressed. She accomplished all this in her living room and didn't seem to be self conscious at all. I just went with it because it seemed like it would take too much out of her to get her into her sleeping alcove.

Once I got her dressed, she walked me to the door. We looked at her beautiful view of Puget Sound out the window. She looked at me and said "I know that I am not as in control as I used to be". Trying to make light of her remark, I said 'That makes it a lot easier on those of us who know you". The joke went right over her head.

I kissed her on the forehead and walked down the hall to the elevator breathing deeply. I know she is weaker and weaker. I know she is really depressed about being alone. She tells me she will only live another year. I write all this down so I can go back tomorrow and start all over again with Mom.

3 years....

2010-06-24T22:51:00.000-07:00

Today is the three anniversary of Dad's death. Mom has been very upset about this for the last two days. This morning I called her and found her sobbing again. She begged me to bring a photo of Dad over to her. Of course, I was on my way out to do my errands, so I told her I would bring her a photo later in the day.

It was almost 6pm by the time I got to her apartment. When I gave her the photo the first thing she said was "You only brought one?" Always one to be critical. I told her how great it would be if she could say something like "Thank you so much for taking the time to bring me this photo". Oh well, that is just the way she has always been...and mostly likely will always be during her lifetime.

We sat and talked and looked at the photo. She said over and over that she just doesn't understand. Her loss is palpable. The sobs and lack of understanding are all signs of deep grief. To Mom, it is like Dad just died. That is how raw the wound is for her.

I wish she could be in a better situation...but like most difficult people, she has fought me every time I have tried to move her into an assisted living facility. Now she sits, day after day in her apartment counting planes as they take off and land at the airport. It breaks my heart, but the doesn't seem to anything I can do to improve her situation.

Next Monday I am taking her to the bank, the grocery store and to lunch. As I left I hugged Mom and she said she was looking forward to Monday..that it would be "our day". One more indication of how she is struggling with the new circumstances in my life.

For more details, go to my other blog at : http://ourpathtomotherhood.blogspot.com

Father's Day

2010-06-20T23:08:00.001-07:00

Dad has been much on my mind today. I made breakfast for Mom this morning and of course our conversation turned to Dad. She said he was "such a good guy". I have watched her deal with his absence for almost three years now. This coming Wednesday will be the third anniversary of his death.

We had such a close relationship, that he will always be part of me. His way of living his life is always in my mind. His patience in the face of difficult times or difficult people is also with me.

I don't know how he managed to deal with Mom for 60 years. She has almost put me over the edge just in the last couple of months. He was her caretaker. Now I am her caretaker.

I am not always successful or happy with the way I deal with Mom's moods and irrational way of thinking. I do know that Dad is my guide in this challenging task.

I am glad I have so many good memories of him.

I am blessed that he was my Father.

Everything is still the same....

2010-06-17T09:26:00.000-07:00

Mom continues to be a complete pill about the fact that I cannot drop whatever I am doing to cater to her every need. Yesterday she wanted me to race out and buy a Father's Day card for my brother and then make a special trip to her apartment to drop it off. This on a day when we are cleaning and preparing the house for the arrival tomorrow of our daughter from the hospital after being born prematurely on May 18, 2010. Pamela and are are preparing to spend the night with her in the hospital and bring her home tomorrow. So...in the scheme of things, the Father's Day card for my brother was not that important.

I lost it with Mom on the phone and just told her that I wasn't available and she would just have to wait. She has no respect for me, my life, my family life or anything that resembles me be an adult. She will be a bully and a narcissist to the bitter end. Every conversation these days ends in a fight. I just can no longer tolerate her irrational and mean behavior.

I think she has been especially needy and demanding ever since I told her about the baby. In some sense, Mom wants to be the baby. She was cared for and looked after by my Dad for 60 years. I have no idea how he tolerated her illogical and abusive behavior. I am not sure it was because he loved her, but rather felt responsible for her.

I asked him once about all he did for my Mom. At that point in their lives they were no longer married but he saw her all the time and took her out shopping, for groceries, bought her a beauty parlor business...all kinds of things. He said he did all this because she was the Mother of his children. That was it....I was amazed then and I am still amazed by this 35 years later. So simple, and so direct. And such a huge burden to take on.

I am not my Dad. I did not chose my Mother as a partner. I did not marry her and then get divorced her only to remarry her 20 years later. I understand why he did what he did, but I cannot and will not take on that same level of responsibility, even thought Mom wants me to.

I have never been the girl or woman she wanted me to be. I have never been a mirror of her, which is the narcissist's ultimate need. She will never understand me or my life. I will never really understand her or her life. I am just trying to do what I promised Dad I would do...take care of her and keep her safe. She fights me every step of the way...and perhaps that fighting spirit was once the thing that drew my Dad to my Mother...I will never really know.

I do know I just do what I can when I can....day to day.

Shopping

2010-06-15T06:52:00.001-07:00

Mom and Dad's official wedding picture - August 1947

Mom in front of her apartment - May 2010

I may have mentioned that my Mother's idea of fun is shopping. She is a browser. She loves looking at clothes, shoes...anything associated with her appearance.

Yesterday we went bra shopping. Mom needed bras that clasped in the front. She can no longer reach around and snap a bra together from the back. So there we were at Sears looking for bras. I knew this was going to be another of our "needle in a haystack' shopping expeditions. Mom always seems to want and need something that is difficult to find.

I worked with the sales clerk for awhile to narrow down the area where the bras could be found and finally located a couple in various cup sizes. Mom was looking for a particular size, but she has lost weight, so may need something smaller.

I picked out a few for her to try on and wheeled her into the dressing room. I sat there watching as she tried them on. I am always amazed at her 90 year old body. I wonder if I will look the same should I have the good fortune to be 90. The surprising information that Mom shared today was that she had always disliked her breasts. I understand in a flash that Mom has struggled with self image and self esteem her entire life.

It became clear very quickly, that Mom was having trouble hooking any bra. Her hands are arthritic and weak. I helped her a little, but told her she had to pick something she could snap together on her own. I am not there when she dresses, so it is important that we find something that she can manage on her own. I convinced her to try a camisole, but she was not thrilled with that look at all. She wanted the traditional bra.

I went back and forth bringing new bras for her to try. I had a flashback to when I was 13. Mom and I were at the old Bon Marche downtown shopping for my first bras. Now the roles are reversed. I am the one bringing in the bras and helping her try them on. Once she got going it went pretty well...but we always go through a price discussion that is long and difficult. She is a true shopper and always looks for a good deal. Luckily, we found one bra that she did like that was in her price range.

Next stop, panties. I moved her over to the wall of panties and took a few minutes to step away while she looked at the various styles and colors. I find that shopping with Mom is really emotionally taxing. She is both demanding and extremely needy. I have to take brief breaks just to regain my composure. The hardest part is her extreme deafness.

I have to shout to be heard and this both exhausts and irritates me. I wish she would wear her hearing aids and put fresh batteries in them. Perhaps they no longer really help her. I know she is in no position financially to buy new hearing aids. I know there is a vanity factor with her. She has always hated her ears and has no desire to bring attention to them with hearing aids. So here again, I see that she has issues of self image and self hatred.

After shopping, we cruise the mall a little so Mom can look in the store windows. She says she needs to eat and wants a hamburger. I know there is no McDonalds at the mall, so I get her back to the car and drive to the one that is near her apartment.

On the way home she asked if Pamela and I can drop by to fix her TV tonight. I tell her that Pamela will not come to her apartment considering that Mom has been so racist about our new baby being black. She has been better about the baby lately...wanting to buy a gift...but we can't trust her to be positive around us and the baby. I get angrier and angrier in the car. I told Mom that she never takes responsibility for her bad behavior. I explain to her that she can't be so verbally abusive to me and Pamela and expect us just to ignore it.

I can feel my blood pressure skyrocketing as I drive along. I manage to get us some lunch and get Mom back to her apartment. I set out her food and begin to boil the noodles for the dinners I am preparing for her for the next few days. I am trying to bring over home cooked food at least once or twice a week to give her a break from frozen meals.

So many conflicting emotions happen during my visits to Mom. I get tired of talking about the same things all the time. I get tired of trying to explain the same issues again and again. She is currently obsessed with when her lease is up. I have read and re-read her lease, explained it to her in great detail...re-assured her that everything is fine.

Mom always goes back to her typical complaint. She hates Seattle. She wants to go back to Arizona. In her heart of hearts she knows this will never be possible. I have told her over and over again that she can't be on her own. We have this discussion several times a week. I am so frustrated that she can't just make the best of it here.

I have told her that I will not help her move. This has been her way of dealing with her own unhappiness for years. Moving ...moving again. It is her idea of finding a new start....but she never has understood that the grass is never greener in a new place...it is still just grass. I watched her uproot my Dad at least 8 times in 8years when they first retired to Arizona. Dad finally bought a condo and they managed to stay there for 18 years before she forced him to sell it. Now she would like nothing more than to be living in that condo.

She is never going to be happy. She is never going to be satisfied with her life. It is both sad and frustrating to watch her make everything and everyone around her suffer with her unhappiness.

Mom said that I had changed while we were eating lunch yesterday. Her inference was that the changes were not good changes. I told her the big change was that I was not putting up with her verbal abuse any more. I don't just give in to her moods and tantrums. I tell her there are limitations on what I can and can't do for her in any given situation.

It feels like I am dealing with a willful child most of the time...so I have to put up boundaries and make them stick. This is the only way I know how to protect my own sanity. I have had to set up a structure that protects me, protects Pamela and Haven, and keeps Mom safe. My brother did this years ago and now I understand why.

Helping Mom is easy task. I often feel pulled in too many directions. Writing is the one outlet that seems to help me sort through all the emotions and conflict.

Smiling

2010-06-12T23:43:00.000-07:00

Mom is smiling in this recent photo, but in reality she is having a pretty tough time these days. She has no idea why she is still alive. She misses my Dad in a way that just breaks my heart. Today she said that she missed him so..and began to cry. They were in each others lives for 60 years...through good times and bad times. She is lonely but won't consider assisted living.

I often leave her apartment totally depressed. I wish that she was not so fearful of the world. I wish that she would just try to be a little more open to new ideas. I wish she would agree to live in retirement home of some kind. I wish I could get her to see a doctor. I wish she would acknowledge that she is profoundly depressed and seek some kind of medical help.

As always I have no idea where her personality disorder leaves off and her depression and dementia take over. She often losses track of the days. Her recent racial outbursts may indicate dementia or her personality disorder. She has no memory of some things that happened when Dad died in 2007. Her short term memory is getting worse. I encourage her to make lists for the grocery store. Sometimes she does and sometimes she forgets to do it.

She was beside herself yesterday because her TV stopped working after my brother tried and failed to make some adjustments to improve the picture quality. He just walked away in frustration and left her with no TV. I have been trying to fix her digital TV tuner for two days now to no avail. This is a big problem because TV is her window on the world. Without it, she sits and stares at the walls of her apartment and spirals down into depression and hopelessness.

She is still managing her bills, but told me she would let me know when it is time for me to take them over for her. There are many subtle sign posts along this road that let me know that things are changing. She is slowing down and not coping as well as she did even six months ago.

She says she wants to die and regrets that she is in such good health. I really have no idea what her health situation is now. I do know she has lost some weight and has not taken any of her medication for diabetes or her heart for many months.

She has a strong constitution for someone her age. It is sad to see her so upset about being alive. She feels useless now. She can't walk very far, but still manages to do her laundry, housecleaning, and cook a little.

This situation puts me over the edge on a regular basis. I am trying to do the best I can to take care of her and help bring some comfort to the remainder of her life.

Acting out

2010-06-03T13:39:00.000-07:00

Mom and I are currently not going to be talking for a few days. She unleashed a torrent of verbal abuse that included both racist and homophobic comments. I just can't be around her for a few days. She was crying and upset on the phone today, threatening to move back to Arizona. I told her she should go knowing full well she wouldn't be able to organize such a large move at this point.

I am sick and tired of her critical and mean comments about my relationship with Pamela, our newborn and me. She actually said I was crazy today because I "love a black woman". Like this is news...we have been together for 14 years!

I am emotionally exhausted with her behavior, her abuse, her illogical way of seeing the world.

Just when you think it can't get any worse...

2010-06-02T00:03:00.000-07:00

I have not had time to maintain this blog and my new blog "Our path to motherhood" since our daughter Haven was born on May 18, 2010. To keep up with that story please go to my other blog at: http://www.ourpathtomotherhood.blogspot.com

Mom has been alternating between good and evil behavior for the last two weeks. Today she was good for the entire time I took her to the store and her doctor's appointment. Her eye and scalp are bothering her again from the shingles she was diagnosed with in April 2007.

The evil part came when I got her home along with her purchases. She has been especially bad around my family, meaning Pamela and Haven, our newborn. Her racism towards Pamela and Haven has truly been disgusting to listen to for the last two weeks. She told me today that I should be taking care of her, not Pamela and the baby. I told her again that Pamela and Haven are my family and I will continue to care for them. Mind you, this was said after I had spent the entire afternoon taking her to the doctor, shopping and then the pharmacy.

I am generally a patient person, but this latest verbal abuse was just too much to bear. I picked up a soft pillow and threw it at her. She promptly threw it at me. I threw it back. There I was reduced to a childish temper tantrum that matched her's throw for throw. In a final shot, I informed her that Dad had called her a bitch from his bed in the nursing home, just days before his death. Of course, she called me a liar. I could have spared her that last comment, but I just was so infuriated by her mean behavior, I lost it. I had already prepared her dinner and left it by her chair, so I just walked out and locked the door.

When I arrived home, I walked into the kitchen, burst into tears and told Pamela the latest horror story. I just don't think I can do this much longer. I think the hardest part was watching her be the "nice little old lady" with the doctor's assistant and the doctor. There she was regaling them with stories, hugging the assistant, being cooperative. I was left with the racist, selfish, verbally abusive mother I have known my entire life. Why is it that she can be so great with complete strangers? I will never understand her or her motivations.

I am going to take a few day off after I drop off her latest prescription tomorrow. I am emotionally exhausted.

Just when you think everything is going smoothly...

2010-05-16T06:10:00.000-07:00

Mom arriving home from her doctor's appointment

Pamela in the hospital making the best of the situation

The amazing thing about dealing with a difficult parent is that I can move through the anger pretty quickly these days. By necessity, I have to given the daily challenges of helping my Mom.

She is having a tough time right now...having just had a toenail removed. She has cream and a program of cleaning and bandaging her toe, which actually is a good thing on many levels.

1. Mom requested that I take her to the doctor..which she has resisted for over a year for any reason.

2. While I had my own appointment to check the progress of the foot surgery I had in January, she happily sat in her wheelchair and watched the big screen TV in the waiting room.

3. She was pleasant and compliant during the her visit with the doctor.

4. The toe now gives her something to do to care for herself.

I have too many other things going on right now to really let her get me upset. I just have to put most of my energy into my own life and helping Pamela while she is in the hospital. She has mild pre-eclamsia. It looks like our daughter will be arriving several weeks early. For a more information go to my other blog: http://ourpathtomotherhood.blogspot.com/

Mom's hands on Mother's Day 2010

2010-05-13T10:02:00.000-07:00

It is hard to know that these hands raised me, but belong to someone I no longer even like because of her mean and abusive behavior.

Mom's racist comments and other assorted verbal abuse continues. The baby news has stripped away all verbal decorum as she issues stream after stream of negative comments directed at me, my partner and the baby that will soon be a part of my "chosen family".

My Mom has been verbally abusive for my entire life...so it is hard to separate out what is just the usual from what may be linked to any dementia she is experiencing at this point of her life.

After our phone conversation this morning, I just hung up and sat there crying. On the one hand she says that I am "kind and good to her". On the other she makes disparaging remarks about my partner's race, the baby, and my involvement in my own family of choice.

As far as I am concerned the only family I had was my Dad, and he is gone now. I really wish he had survived Mom...because he would be so happy and supportive of the family that Pamela and I are creating.

Unfortunately, I am left caring for a mean, spiteful, negative, depressed Mother with a serious personality disorder. I know this will end one day, but right now it just feels like an oppressive weight on my shoulders.

Truth telling

2010-05-04T16:35:00.000-07:00

I have not mentioned it before, but my partner is expecting a child in late June or early July. This is a source of great happiness for us.

I have put off telling Mom because I knew it would be unpleasant and she did not disappoint. Her reaction came in three parts:

1. "Pamela is crazy".

2. "Will the baby be black?" (this is a bad thing because she is a racist)

3. What will the last name be? (her head would have blown off if I had told her Corliss-Wilkins...more of her racism...so I didn't answer her question.)

I feel completely angry, sad and disappointed in her and her negative and ignorant behavior. Actually she is so true to form...she has acted this way about my life since I was 18....

Distant voices

2010-04-28T07:06:00.000-07:00

Mom always tells me important information in the car. The car is not electronically monitored in her version of the world. I was driving her home yesterday when she casually mentioned that she had been walking and talking with her long deceased Mother. I said that must be nice because she has really missed her Mother for the last 54 years. She did not seem comforted by these walks or talks. I think it scares her and tells her that her own death may be soon. I tried to be very supportive and positive about these dreams she is having, but I am not sure that I made much of a dent.

7:30am

2010-04-03T08:53:00.000-07:00

That is when the phone rang. Mom acted as if nothing had happened. She denied every mean thing she had said to me the day before.

I am starting to research all aspects of dementia. I believe she has some form of it.
As I write this, I am emotionally exhausted with all of her drama. How much of it is her and how much of it is her physical condition, I have no idea.

I have reached my wall

2010-04-01T21:30:00.001-07:00

Mom finally pushed me over the edge today. She and I were not getting along at all on our trip to Sears,the grocery store and lunch. She was being a bully and I was just getting angrier and angrier. I couldn't take it anymore. She finally pushed me over the edge by saying that I was "nutty" and that they never should have taken me out of the "nut bin"' years ago.

I drove her home, got her out of the car and went upstairs to leave her groceries in her kitchen. I went back to the lobby and gave her both of my keys and told her that she was now on her own.

I cannot take her verbal abuse anymore.

My blood pressure was sky high.

I have reached my wall.

Breathe....come up for air and breathe

2010-03-28T18:22:00.000-07:00

This week has been a rough one. I have been over to Mom's place 5 times to fix her television. She has a digital tuner and keeps mixing up the TV remote with the digital remote. Rescanning her channels seems to do the trick. At one point, she had it so messed up, I had to ask Pamela to come over and help me because I had done all I could do with the digital tuner and still couldn't bring back the channels. It seems clear that Mom is not going to be able to relearn this technology that she has been successfully using for about a year. I don't know if she is losing cognitive abilities or has just figured out that I will come over if she messes it up.

I have to say that my ability to be patient has been pretty thin this week. I come home each time overwhelmed and angry. I feel awful for getting so irritated at her helplessness. She won't take her garbage out because she is afraid to go to the garage in her building by herself. She is the most fearful, limited person I have ever encountered. She has lived in a cocoon all her life...limited in her experience, living through the family members around her. Now that Dad is gone, her major window to the world is gone. She tries to get me to step into his 24/7 shoes but I just can't get sucked into that role.

Today, I bought her a nice salad and dropped it off. Again, the TV needed to be fixed ....again I fixed it and explained it. I feel like I am losing my mind ...breathe....just breathe...get her settled and go. But not before she wanted to know what I was doing today. She is so invasive...I have taken to not telling her much about my life because she often twists the information and is verbally abusive. If she doesn't get her way, she often verbally attacks my home life. She also told me she needed to go to several different places next Thursday. I told her I could not commit to it until I knew what was happening with my job search. It just drives me crazy that she never consults me ...just tells me what she wants and when she wants to do it.

Breathe....just breathe ...get to the car...go home to my life....eat lunch... ....breathe deeply....take a long nap....breathe deeply.

Start over tomorrow.

Caregiver's lament

2010-03-13T09:20:00.001-08:00

The statistics prove my current reality. Caregivers of elderly parents are predominately the daughters or daughter in the family.

My brother has now decided that he cannot come over to Mom's except on holidays. This is laughable. He won't come over on any holiday. He won't even come over to take her garbage out any longer. He has just walked away and left me with all the responsibility of taking care of my 90 year old mother.

Anger, the unfairness of life...the selfishness of it all just twist me into a rage.

I have been left in the middle of this elderly desert with nothing but the grim task ahead of dealing with an elderly parent who is getting weaker and weaker physically and more difficult psychologically every day.

I just hope that I can do this without my own health being compromised.

I did notice my agitation level rising this morning when Mom was on the phone. She only wants to talk about my brother and how he is getting his "'head on straight". I could not care less about his head or anything else associated with his self centered life.

So...perhaps I will send him an email and thank him for taking on the task of visiting Mom on Easter this year...and see how that goes.

Rug mantra

2010-03-05T09:42:00.000-08:00

Mom called this morning. She wanted me to come over today with my rug cleaner and small rug machine and clean a bad spot in her living room. She thinks I am more available now that I am not working. I am working hard at not being there every time she calls.

See, the deal is, she is terribly lonely. My father was there 24 hours a day, 7 days a week for years. She was used to having him around to direct and oversee. Now, she is lonely with a capital L and says so almost every time I talk with her on the phone, or when I am leaving her apartment. I told her yesterday that I cannot be there 24/7. I am not Dad....and this situation is what she chose for herself. She said she wanted a smaller apartment with a washer and dryer and that is what I found for her. I just walk away exhausted with her neediness...her dependence.

She says she won't be around much longer...she reminds me that she is 90 now. It isn't so much that I long for her death. I just want to have some breathing room...and she wants more of me than is healthy to give.

The dance goes on....

90....

2010-03-01T08:58:00.000-08:00

Yes, Mom is 90 years old today. I am going to take her to the bank, to get her hair cut and then to lunch. She is very upset these days because my brother told her he was never coming to see her again last week. The two of them are always getting into it. Mom wanted me to be the go between and let him know what all we were doing today. That is molten ground, so I refused to do it. Oh, I wish things were simpler with Mom.

Rainy oysters

2010-02-24T07:01:00.000-08:00

As usual, I called Mom from work yesterday to check on her. The conversation was pretty typical for awhile until she starting crying and being upset. My brother had not come over to help her with her garbage. Something happened between them and he told her that he was never coming back to see her. I think it may have been his response when she told him that she couldn't help him financially anymore. I tried to calm her by telling her that this had happened before and eventually he would show up again.

The fallout for me was having to go over there and take her to dinner at a local fish and oyster restaurant. We had a table looking out towards a rainy and overcast downtwon Seattle. She had her favorite, which is oysters. She told me later that they were not very good. After dinner we took her home and Pamela took out her garbage.

I have to say, my brother has not really helped much while I have been on crutches. He is having some trouble at work...I think they are trying to eliminate all the meter readers for the city..but that is really no excuse. He is all about his own needs it seems. He certainly shows up when there is a check waiting for him.

I told Mom during the evening that she needed to stop taking it out on me when she and my brother have a problem. She was kind of cranky and inappropriate at different points in the evening. So...not only do I have to step in and take over caring for her, I have to deal with the fallout of their dysfunctional relationship. I am sure there is some kind of useful learning here..but it is hard to grasp in the moment.

I am so grateful that Pamela is willing to help...otherwise, I don't know what I would do.

Struggling

2010-02-03T16:01:00.000-08:00

Mom is having a hard time understanding that I am not available to her right now. I am in a surgical boot, on crutches and cannot bear more than 20 lbs of weight on my foot. She asked me three times this afternoon to take her to the bank. I offered to take her check to the bank since I am on her account, but she would not agree to that at all.

I kept trying to explain to her that I cannot help her in and out of the car. She says she understands and then turns around and asks me again to take her to the bank.

I have told her again and again that Mark, my brother, will have to do more while I am recovering. She prefers to have me take her places. I have no idea what it is like with the two of them out in the world. I know he won't go out of his way to help her. Pamela and I have already had to go shopping for her twice.

I am trying to be patient, but today she just got the best of me. I sent Mark an email telling him to take her to the bank. That is all I can do today.

"I love to love you"

2010-01-19T21:40:00.000-08:00

"I love to love you". That is what Mom said tonight as I was leaving her apartment.

We are in a time of peace and sweetness. Ever since we found that pair of Kenneth Cole shoes on sale at Marshall's, everything has been going good with Mom. She may be almost 90, but she is still a stylish woman. She was so pleased that we found these beautiful taupe shoes with just a hint of a heel. Every time I go over there, she is wearing her new shoes.

Tonight it felt like something had shifted in Mom. She was in a lot of pain. She said her head hurt her. It sounded like nerve pain left over from having Shingles. I insisted on putting some of her eye drops in her left eye. She seemed almost like a rag doll tonight...no energy, not really talking much...exhausted. While I made our dinner, I had her sit down and have a cup of coffee. She ate her entire dinner, but refused dessert...which is odd for her.

I helped her turn down her bed and change into her nightgown. After we put on her night time Depends, she walked slowly to the door to put her security bar under the door. I keep asking her to stop using it and she keeps refusing...saying it makes her feel safer. We hugged goodnight and had a good laugh about how stubborn she is and how it works for her. Then she said "I love to love you". As I walked down the hall to the elevator I had the sense that she could in fact be dying and that I would really miss her despite all the things she has put me through over the years. She is at her most vulnerable now and it is my job to protect as best I can while she makes her way to her death.

I drove off to my meeting upset about my sense that something major may be going on. Pamela suggested that she may have had a stroke...or just be upset that I am not going to be available for at least a week or more. I certainly won't be able to grocery shop or take her out for awhile.

But I will keep that picture of Mom standing in the nightgown I got her for Christmas telling me "I love to love you".

When will this be over?

2010-01-10T07:30:00.000-08:00

It is 7:30am and I have been awake since 5:00am. Mom and I had kind of a difficult time yesterday. I went to the store and bought her groceries for her yesterday and she was upset about that. She looks forward to the time away from the apartment zooming up and down the aisles of the store. I just wanted to get it done and not suck up my entire weekend with her needs.

She called me later in the day complaining about the frozen waffles I had purchased for her. Whining about not liking them and not having any syrup. I was just trying to bring her something a little different because she complains that her food bores her sometimes. I am just fed up with all her complaining and lack of appreciation for what I do to make her life easier.

She also asked me to drive to the Macy's in Lynnwood so she can look for shoes. I told her I have no intention of driving 20 miles so she can look at shoes. I took her to Macy's at Southcenter last weekend ...where she bitched and complained about all the shoes having round toes. The selection in Lynnwood is not going to be any different.

She has taken to asking me when she will see me next and then complaining and counting off the number of days until I will see her again. I feel completely smothered by her neediness. I am not Dad...catering to her every need. I have a job and a partner and my own life to live. I cannot for the life of me understand how she can still be alive when she is so negative and unhappy. A friend suggested that maybe her anger is what keeps her going. My partner suggested it may be the fear she has of dying. All I know is that I am exhausted with being her primary caregiver. All my brother does is come by a couple of times of week to take out her garbage and bring her a milkshake. Everything else is on me.

Oddly enough, I am looking forward to a little break from all this because it involves having surgery. I am having foot surgery on January 20 and will be on crutches for 4 to 6 weeks. I won't be able to carry all the bags of groceries to her apartment or help her in and out of the car. I need to have this surgery now, so she will just have to ask my brother to meet her needs.

The weird thing about all of this is that my brother is really her favorite. She continues to work out all her own Father abandonment issues with him. He never really talks to her or takes her anywhere. She gives him money every time he whines about his bills. She even gave him $2500 last fall. She said she would give the same to me when "you need it". Of course, that will never happen. The conundrum here is that I am the one doing all the heavy lifting with her...but he is the one that she really cares about. I think she just prefers men...and my brother looks like my Dad.

Falling

2009-12-12T06:36:00.000-08:00

Mom has had a series of falls over the last couple of years. I found out on Thursday that she had fallen over a chair in her apartment and landed on the floor. She had gotten up in the night to go to the bathroom and somehow tripped on her slipper, fell against the arm of the chair by her bed and ended up on the floor. This happened at 3:00am. She thought about calling me, but didn't want to wake me up in the middle of the night.

I asked her if she was ok, or if she felt she needed an X-Ray. Of course, she said she was sore but did not think anything else was wrong. She was adamant about not going to the doctor and insisted that she did not need an X-Ray. I told her I would be over after work. She needed to go to the bank and I needed to see for myself how she was moving around.

She was tired and weak when I got there so it was a good thing I had brought the wheelchair. That made going to the bank a lot easier. She seemed so frail to me and she did admit that she was sore. Her determination is pretty impressive despite this latest episode.

We are taking her to lunch on Sunday and then to the mall for some Christmas shopping. I know this will cheer her up.

Thanksgiving redux

2009-11-23T08:05:00.001-08:00

Plans have changed for Thanksgiving. We are going to dinner at McCormick and Schmick's on Lake Union. This was Mom's original plan. I decided it would be easier for Pamela and I if we just went ahead with her plan. Pamela is exhausted with work, I am exhausted with Mom, so let someone else do the cooking. Mom just loves to sit in the big dining room and watch the other diners. This will also make it easier on Mom. She was dreading us helping her up the stairs to the house. At the restaurant, we can just roll her from the parking lot into the restaurant.

Hair stylist

2009-11-23T07:48:00.000-08:00

Mom has now decided that I am her hair stylist. She informed me that I would be cutting her hair after dinner yesterday afternoon. I have to say, this is one task that I really dread. Mom used to be a hair stylist, so you can imagine that her standards are much higher than my abilities in this area. I managed to get it done, but I cut it too short around her face. I just did the best I could and thankfully, she didn't complain too much. I believe this is all part of her cost cutting measures. She is concerned that she will run out of money at some point.

After lunch and beauty parlor time, she started in on me again about lugging a hug 1980's floor lamp out of her apartment. Her plan was that I would bring back a side table and lamp from my house to put in it's place. I had given the lamp away because my garage is already full of her other furniture. I also have no desire to lug anymore furniture back and forth. The move last July did me in on that score. I told her in no uncertain terms that I was not going to move anything out or into her apartment. She is so crowded in there now with all this furniture, that it just doesn't make any sense to me to bring in anything else. It kind of feels like she is barricading herself with furniture. I just got up and left.

A few hours later, I checked the messages at home and found a call from Mom. I called her back and she was sobbing about the TV not working. I went over there and found her sitting in her chair totally confused about how to work the TV. Granted, she has two remotes, but she is always doing this lately. She messes with one and then that disables the second one from working. I set it back up and set it on the channel she likes for the news.

The most disturbing part of this whole interaction was when she said that she didn't understand anything anymore. I think we may be dealing with some dementia now. A couple of times when I have called her, her words sound slurred. I think she may be having mini strokes or TIA's.

From the American Heart Association Website:
http://www.americanheart.org

What is a TIA or transient ischemic attack?

A TIA is a "warning stroke" or "mini-stroke" that produces stroke-like symptoms but no lasting damage. Recognizing and treating TIAs can reduce your risk of a major stroke.

Most strokes aren't preceded by TIAs. However, of the people who've had one or more TIAs, more than a third will later have a stroke. In fact, a person who's had one or more TIAs is more likely to have a stroke than someone of the same age and sex who hasn't.

TIAs are important in predicting if a stroke will occur rather than when one will happen. They can occur days, weeks or even months before a major stroke. In about half the cases, the stroke occurs within one year of the TIA.

What causes a transient ischemic attack?

TIAs occur when a blood clot temporarily clogs an artery, and part of the brain doesn't get the blood it needs. The symptoms occur rapidly and last a relatively short time. Most TIAs last less than five minutes. The average is about a minute. Unlike stroke, when a TIA is over, there's no injury to the brain.

What are the symptoms of a TIA?

It's very important to recognize the warning signs of a TIA or stroke. The usual TIA symptoms are the same as those of stroke, only temporary:

* Sudden numbness or weakness of the face, arm or leg, especially on one side of the body
* Sudden confusion, trouble speaking or understanding
* Sudden trouble seeing in one or both eyes
* Sudden trouble walking, dizziness, loss of balance or coordination
* Sudden, severe headache with no known cause

The short duration of these symptoms and lack of permanent brain injury is the main difference between TIA and stroke.

Unfortunately, Mom will not go to see a doctor. She doesn't want to spend the money. Her prescriptions run out soon, so I'll just have to wait and see if that spurs her to find a new doctor in West Seattle.

Here we are

2009-11-14T19:57:00.000-08:00

Close to the holidays again. Mom seems frail...somewhat forgetful. I try to do my best, but she continues to be a challenge.

I just got back from taking her some homemade chili for her dinner. Also dropped off some homemade buttermilk pancakes. The only meal she really cooks is breakfast. Otherwise, it is microwaving a dinner or boiling a hot dog. I try and take her out to eat at least once a week.

Friday night we did dinner out and shopping. I think that is more than she can handle now. By the time we got home she was whimpering and not making much sense.

It is hard to believe that she has lived more than 2 years past Dad's death. She can't believe it either, but she also fears death.

I think she is coming to our house for Thanksgiving dinner. She was resistant at first because there was a possibility that some friends would be here as well. That didn't come together. In the meantime, she asked my brother if she could come to his house and got a resounding NO. She was upset by that, but has rebounded enough to now decide to have dinner with us. She stirs up drama like this every year.

The other news is that we are taking a break...going to New York City for 5 days in early December. My job ends Nov. 19. I am going to have reconstructive foot surgery in January. I'll be on crutches for 4-6 weeks. We will have to come up with some alternatives for taking care of Mom.

Hiney Niney

2009-09-25T20:21:00.000-07:00

Hiney Niney...that is what Mom calls the H1N1 virus. It has a ring to it. I think Mom was confused by what was being said about the virus on TV....but I like the name she came up with for it.

Last Sunday Mom wasn't even out of bed when I went over to take her to lunch. The apartment was dark when I walked in after noon. I walked over to the bed and thought Mom looked dead. She was sprawled across the bed and not moving. I approached her and touched her just a little. She turned over and looked white as a sheet. Her face was puffy. She wasn't feeling well..probably a cold, maybe the seasonal flu.

I got her to sit up and have something to eat. I went to the store and got all her groceries. When I got back, I got her to eat some tropical fruit mix, a few crackers, a cup of coffee and some water. I got her all settled back into her chair before I took her garbage down to the compactor.

She was so weak for a couple of days. She seems to be doing a little better now. She wants to go to the bank tomorrow.

This experience really scared me. More practice....I am getting so practiced.

What would I do without you?

2009-09-10T22:28:00.000-07:00

That is what my Mom says now almost every time I see her. She is usually on the edge of tears when she says it. It is always heart wrenching to hear this phrase. I know she feels so vulnerable and lost. I know she is struggling to keep track of little things...big things...things in general.

Mom is bruising now...just like Dad did near the end of his life. She says that she bumps into things around the apartment...or that she does it when she opens the door. She is definitely getting frailer and frailer.

I feel like I had a ring side seat is some kind of awful Kabuki theater....watching the decline of my Mom. Half the time I want to just sit down and cry myself...but when I am with her I try to remain calm and just ask her to tell me what is going on. She struggles to get the right words to describe her situation. The longer I wait the easier it becomes for her. She just needs me to be patient.

At the same time, when I have suggested that I am worried about her long term ability to continue living alone, she roars to life and tells me in no uncertain terms that she WILL NOT MOVE INTO ONE OF THOSE PLACES. Ok, I get it...so I distract her with another line of conversation.

This is no easy task....but I am learning so much about compassion, patience and empathy.

Sunday routine

2009-08-30T07:58:00.000-07:00

I am up early...drinking tea, eating cereal with some of the last fresh raspberries of the season. One of life's joys....quiet time in the morning having a great breakfast.

Today, I will go to take Mom to lunch and do some shopping. I am worried that Mom's ability to cook for herself is diminishing. She often "forgets" to eat dinner.

She spent yesterday watching TV...Ted Kennedy's funeral, the U.S. Open, the news. The television has become her daily contact with the world. She oftens mishears things and misinterprets information. Often when I leave, to make it easier, I put the TV on and she becomes totally engrossed in it as I lock the door.

Mom definitely has some kind of dementia going on. When we meet her new doctor at the end of September, I hope she can do some cognitive testings. Not that it will change anything...I just need to know what I am dealing with when I am with Mom.

Drape drama

2009-08-20T06:39:00.000-07:00

Mom and I have been working on a drape project for over a week. I took her shopping for drapes last Saturday....that was 5 long hours of going in one store after another looking at drapes. Her world view of drapes is that they are lined, have little metal hooks and a drawstring. Custom made drapes are not in her budget so we have settled on a less expensive alternative.

I found some drapes and valances on sale at Sears. After several trips back and forth, we finally have all of the necessary pieces of hardware and software. I hung one set last night in 86 degree heat. Drilling a few holes and hanging a drape with valances should be easy...but it really isn't. After an hour and a half of drilling and figuring, I had the first set up.

Mom was actually pretty good during this process...sitting in the chair watching without too much back seat driving behavior. She could see that I was tired and sweating like a pig. She really liked the look of the window after I got everything installed and the drapes hung. This weekend I will do the second window.

I have to say that I was dreading this chore. Mom tends to "supervise" in a way that drives me wild. I was glad that she held back this time and let me just do the job on my own.

Their anniversary

2009-08-08T20:14:00.000-07:00

I took Mom and Pamela out to dinner tonight at Anthony's on the waterfront downtown. Mom has been struggling this week with the fact that today was the day that she and Dad got married in 1947. When she mentioned that their anniversary was this week I asked her what she was going to do on the 8th of August. She said she was going to cry all day. Well..that didn't seem like a great way to spend the day, so I suggested we all go out and have a nice meal.

She had a great time...watching all the people out the window and in the restaurant. Mom ate a good meal of Willipa Bay deep fried oysters and fresh peach crumble that we all shared for dessert. As usual, she was dressed to the hilt and looked pretty good. She isn't able to walk much now, so we brought the transport chair to get her in and out of the restaurant and back up to her apartment.

She has lost more weight. I think part of it is poor eating habits and part of it is that it is hard for her to prepare food for herself. I asked her what she had for lunch today and she said "two cookies". I wish I could convince her to go into assisted living, but that is never going to happen.

Pamela and I put a vinyl cover on her mattress when we got her home. She goes to the bathroom at least 3 or 4 times a night now, wears adult diapers, and still worries that she is going to wet the bed. Now she has the vinyl mattress cover, so hopefully she will stop being so worried during the night.

When we left, Mom thanked both of us for a nice evening and said that I had been a good kid all my life. I often don't feel like a good kid with her. I feel angry and overwhelmed and that I am struggling to hang onto some shred of empathy for my Mom and her situation.

I am starting to think Mom has some form of dementia..she told the same story three times tonight. Her short term memory seems a little shaky.

I am doing the best I can.

The circle of life

2009-07-25T17:52:00.000-07:00

I picked up Mom early and took her to breakfast at McDonald's. Next we headed out to her old apartment. She sat and read her mail in her wheelchair while I did all the final cleaning. Got the ok from the Apt. Manager and then took off for IKEA.

I must have been out of my mind. IKEA on a Saturday? Mom was looking for a cabinet for her towels and a small table and chairs for her dining area. We didn't really find anything that she liked, but we did have a nice lunch there.

She wanted to go to WalMart next...an even worse idea on a Saturday. I pushed her around in her wheelchair while we picked up a few items..a dish pan, laundry soap, bleach and fabric softener. I finally convinced her to buy a 5 drawer plastic shelf unit. So there we were....me pushing her while she holds stuff on her lap and I am carrying the unit over my shoulder. Did I mention that there were no motorized shopping carts anywhere...probably all in use. After we paid, I parked Mom with everything and made three trips to the car....twice for her purchases and once for her.

We stopped at Safeway. Mom stayed in the car and I raced around the store picking up her requests and adding a few that I thought she really did need. More and more Mom forgets things...like what she needs, what something is called, the name of the store she wants to go to. So...I have learned to fill in the blanks.

Finally got her home....again several trips to get her, all the cleaning supplies, the vacuum, her groceries and the storage unit up to her apartment. I put everything away and then tried to hang a few pictures. Of course, Mom was being totally dictatorial during this activity...so I hung 2 mirrors and 2 pictures and just took off.

Mom appreciates all that I do, but I find being with her for 8 hours exhausting. She has this high pitched whiny voice that just drives me up the wall. She is so focused on herself that I get exasperated with her sometimes.

She told me today that she had done something bad. Not knowing what to expect, I asked her what she had done. Apparently, she had told Dad near the end of his life that the only reason she had remarried him in 1986 was for his Social Security benefits. This happened before they knew he had pancreatic cancer. She felt bad about what she had done and had no idea why she had said something so mean to Dad. She insisted that she loved Dad and that he loved her. I have no idea what they felt for each other. No wonder he called her a bitch during one of our last conversations five days before he died.

So...the circle of life...their lives, my life, the things we say and do to each other...all wrapped up in one big ball of contradictions.

Movin on down the road

2009-07-18T20:05:00.000-07:00

So...I and a group of loyal and helpful friends managed to move Mom to her new apartment in West Seattle today. As expected she was a bit of a handful when we got to her apartment. She wanted to stage manage the entire move. Pamela and I had already come up with a strategy to head her off at the pass. Pamela took Mom to breakfast and then to the house to sit out the transition.

Of course the first bad thing that happened was breaking the tail lights off the truck next to the parking place for the truck. The guy came down, we exchanged numbers and moved on. He was really cool about it. Note to self...one more thing to deal with.

Dan and I got moving on the boxes while we waited for Brad to arrive. Dan and I got stuff in his car and the truck. Once Brad got there, the big and heavy furniture went into the truck. We were all sweating like pigs..but at least it wasn't raining. After about a hour and half we all headed off for West Seattle caravan style.

I knew there was a Seafair parade happening...but thought we would be able to get through the police barricade as Mom's place is at the far end of the parade. No way..the police turned us back...necessitating a 3 point turn in a Uhaul truck. We took side streets...with cars on both sides and other drivers trying to navigate around the parade. It was stressful ...but we all finally got to the back of the building by the garage door entrance. The whole atmosphere felt a little Fellini to me...drill teams in skin tight dresses with spangles and wild hats...fancy cars with fancy Seafair princesses, floats...

Unloading boxes, furniture, TV...dressers...all the detritus of a person's life. Luckily, Anne and Jay showed up at this point, so we had five pairs of hands loading the stuff into the service elevator. I fell over a parking curb twice...gray on gray garage cement....landed on my hands and face....ready just to lay there and cry. I swear...this is the last time I move Mom. She has moved three times in three years...and I have just reached my limit.

While we were moving I kept getting update calls from Pamela. Mom was being a full tilt bitch. Saying that I have been so mean to her. Hitting our dog Macy with her cane because Macy licked her leg. Telling Pamela that we should get rid of all our junky furniture and use the nice things she has given us. All the while I am trying to manage the move.

We dropped off all the stuff we couldn't get into the new smaller apartment back at the house. We headed back to apartment to pick up the Uhaul dolly we forgot when we left. All the while Jay and Anne are putting the bed frame and the new mattress and low profile boxspring together.

Once I got to Uhaul I had to turn around and go back to fill up the tank at the gas station. Finally got the truck dropped off and the right bill...after the guy incorrectly charged me for a extra day.

Dan dropped me back at the apartment. Jay and Anne left and I headed up the street to the hardware store to make two more apartment keys. One for me and one for my brother.

Finally called Pamela and told her to bring Mom over. She got some lunch for all of us on the way. We all ate and then we moved stuff around and unpacked enough boxes so that Mom could walk around. Pamela made her bed and then we took most of the boxes to the basement for recycling.

We started at 7:00a.m. this morning and finally got home after 5pm. My hands and right big toe are scrapped and bruised. I am totally exhausted.

The good news is...the move is over...and I have a wonderful partner and wonderful friends who all played a part in making this event successful.

Tomorrow I go back and take Mom to the store. I will have to go back to her old apartment sometime this week to clean it up and turn in the keys.

All day, I really missed Dad.

The train is leaving the station

2009-07-06T08:39:00.000-07:00

I have taken a month off from blogging...exhausted by all the things I have been doing to change her situation. For myself...I am exhausted with driving to the other end of the city. We have been talking every day, twice a day...in the morning as I wait for my bus for work..and at night as I stand downtown waiting for my bus.

In the meantime I finally found a studio apartment in West Seattle that had a washer and dryer in the unit...one of her main requests. I did an advance visit and then took her there later in the day. The thing I like about the apartment is that you can see Puget Sound when you open the door of her place. There is a bank of windows that looks directly onto the water. For me, that has always been a soothing experience. I have no idea if she will appreciate it. She tends to barricade herself....but I wanted it to give her small view.

She has been packing for the last two weeks. There are boxes all over her apartment. She doesn't move until July 18th, but it gives her something to do. I have hauled things out and stored a chair in the basement.

My brother was supposed to help with the move, but now had something more important to do that day. I am trying to round up a group of male friends to help.

I am exhausted just thinking about the next two weeks. Mom wants Mark to take her living room furniture. He doesn't want it at all. He is basically worthless as far as I am concerned.

Again, I am managing everything...doing most of everything that needs to be done. I know what Dad felt like now with all their moving over the years. I find it hard to believe that they were able to manage a move up here in 2006 when Dad no doubt had cancer. He must have really wanted to get here so that I could help him.

2009-06-07T09:00:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was one of the worst days I have had with Mom in awhile. The entire week had been building to her finally signing an agreement to move into a retirement home about 10 minutes from the house. I spent all of last Monday taking her to lunch at the facility, and touring her through every unit available in her price range. She went back and forth all week after being initially positive about the move. I went out and had dinner with her Thursday night and talked with her until she again agreed to the move.

Saturday morning I went out to her apartment and picked her up. We went back to our house where Pamela had a beautiful breakfast ready. After breakfast we both took her to the facility. Pamela and I were ready to measure her room and start figuring out the position of her furniture. As soon as we started rolling her down the hall she started being really agitated and upset. She kept saying that her room was too far from everything...that she wouldn't be able to make it to the dining room. Once we got her to the room she just kept babbling about how she couldn't do it. I quickly realized that she had no intention of actually moving. The woman at the facility told us that Mom's behavior was a form of dementia and that I would need to take control. Well...taking conrol with my Mom has never been possible, especially now. So we gave up and left the facility.

When we got Mom back to the car she told Pamela that she just wanted to die. I was so angry at her at this point, that I couldn't even look at her. She apologized all day. I took her to the Mall to get her watch fixed....but then she wanted to look for a white jacket to match her new skirt. As I pushed her around the Mall I just sank deeper and deeper into despair over the whole situation. I cannot take this anymore.

I am totally exhausted and emotionally spent. Mom has been a difficult person my entire life. Now that she is elderly she is even more difficult to deal with. Not only is she difficult, manipulative and needy, but she is also anxious all the time. Dad is not here to help out and he actually had the most up close experience in dealing with her. I am just totally depressed at this moment.

Mom in May

2009-05-17T20:09:00.000-07:00

I drove over after church today to make Mom some dinner. When I arrived I took a picture of her in the red chair. This is usually how I find her..sometimes awake, sometimes asleep.

I asked her if I could take a couple of pictures ....she protested at first, but then gave in. I can see how much she has changed in the last two years.

Mom seemed different today. She said she was so tired...so blue. After dinner and cleaning up the dishes, I insisted that we go for a drive and get some ice cream cones. She got her favorite Black Walnut ice cream. We drove around a bit, mostly just in the North End of Seattle. Mom always comments on how many new buildings there are in Seattle now.

I finally drove Mom home and helped her get into her apartment. She really seems to need a lot more help with walking. After I got her settled, I asked her how much water she had had today...only about a glass and a half. I asked her to drink more before she goes to bed.

Tomorrow I take her to her doctor for a checkup. I told her I would bring the wheelchair. She can choose whether or not she wants to use it.

She told me all the things she usually tells me as I leave...she loves me, she appreciates all that I am doing for her...and I walk out the door after hugging and kissing her goodbye.

Easter video #1

2009-05-17T19:51:00.001-07:00

Just getting around to working with my digital camera this evening. Here are two short videos - Easter 12, 2009.

Mother's Day

2009-05-10T20:13:00.000-07:00

Today is my Mom's 57th Mother's Day. To celebrate, I took her to lunch at her favorite restaurant.

She was all dressed and ready to go when I arrived. First, I showed her the pot of flowers that Pamela had put together. She loved it...I had selected two pink geraniums, some beautiful pink and green stripped coleus, and a bright green potato vine. I placed it on her table outside on her patio...so she can see it and easily water it and tend to the plants.

We made our way downstairs, me with a bag of garbage and holding on to Mom's arm. She is unsteady on her feet now, so it is important to hold her. We went through our usual routine: she hands me her cane, I put it between the front seats. She moves slowly into the seat and I help her get her legs and feet into the car. I buckled her in and shut the door. Off we went after stopping at the dumpster to leave her bag of garbage.

Luckily, when we got to the restaurant, there was a free handicapped parking spot right by the door. I helped Mom get on of the car and made sure she was steady on her feet before closing the door. As we made our way into the restaurant, several men opened the doors for us. I kept my hands on Mom as I helped her up the stairs. I got her seated on a bench and then put our names in. The place was packed for Mother's Day, so we had to wait about a half hour...since we wanted lunch not dinner. They made everyone wait to be seated for lunch.

I asked Mom if she wanted me to go get her anything, since she kept saying that she was really hungry. She wanted a milkshake, so I went to another restaurant on the wharf and got one of the best chocolate shakes I have ever tasted to date! Mom sat drinking her shake and watching all the people passing by. She loves to watch people.

Eventually, they came to seat us and we made our way slowly through the restaurant to a booth that was build up off the floor. I helped Mom up, and helped her get comfortable by straightening her skirt underneath her. The waiter brought drinks and the focaccia bread right away...which is what Mom always remembers about this restaurant. She ate several pieces and looked at the menu. I decided on a Shrimp Louie, but Mom seemed a little overwhelmed by the menu. I sat next to her and offered a couple of ideas. She finally just told me to order for her. Given her problems with swallowing food, I went with something easy ...shrimp fettuccine.

Mom ate like she was starving. Despite the fact that her portion was huge, she managed to eat two thirds of her dish. I told her we could have them box the rest for her, but she wasn't interested in taking it home. She did however jump at the chance to take home some of the bread.

After I paid the bill, we started to make our way slowly through the restaurant. Again, people opened doors for us as we exited. I got Mom into the car and then we went for a little drive. We stopped along the way to pick up a few things that Mom needed at the grocery store.

As we were headed home, Mom told me that she is really weak...at lunch she mentioned that she sleeps about 12 hours a day plus takes naps. When we finally got home, I could tell that she was completely wiped out. She said she was going to take a nap, so I suggested that I help her undress and change. I got her into her house wrap and some slippers. I found a golf game on TV for her to watch and doze to.

As I was leaving, Mom looked and me and said she wasn't going to be here much longer. I told her that may be the case, but while she is here, I am looking out for her. I gave her a hug and a kiss and turned to leave. She closed her apartment door smiling at me.

I got in my car and drove home with a heavy heart. Even when you have had a difficult relationship with a parent, it is sad to think that someday you will never be able to talk to them again. I feel that all the time about Dad.

Sometimes I wonder....does Mom have a 6th sense about her impending death...or is she just being melodramatic? I have no idea...I just know that it is hard to deal with the situation.

On the bright side, she had a good afternoon out, a wonderful lunch and little drive ....all with her only daughter who is doing her best to help.

Bacon grease

2009-05-02T16:49:00.000-07:00

Mom has second degree burns on her left hand from a bacon grease accident yesterday. I talked to last night right after it happened and told her I would bring some ointment today. I talked to her as we were getting ready to leave for an event ...so I couldnt go last night.

I packed up my supplies this morning and made it out to her place by 10.00am. She was sound asleep in the chair when I arrived. As soon as she woke up, I took a look at her hand and assessed the damage. Her hand is swollen with large blisters on the last three fingers. I cleaned it off with an alcohol wipe and then put some Solarcaine on it. It has Aloe Vera and cools the hand. After that, I went over to the drugstore and bought her some vinyl gloves to keep her hands dry, and some liquid antibiotic wash. Once I got back, I wrote up a care sheet for her and explained everything twice.

Mom seemed really depressed today...said she was more trouble than she is worth, and just generally down on herself. She cried a little while I was there...as I tried to get her back on track. This latest event seems to be pushing her into a deeper depression.

Pancakes

2009-04-26T20:14:00.000-07:00

I took Mom to a pancake restaurant to breakfast on Friday morning. She was pretty hungry by the time I got there. Everything was done to perfection on her plate, including her eggs. She ate everything and seemed to really enjoy her meal. I wasn't sure this was going to be the case because she told me that she felt like she died the day Dad died as we were entering the restaurant.

After that I took her to Walmart. We both found a few things and then headed back to Seattle. We stopped at TJ Max and Safeway and did a little more shopping before we headed back to her apartment.

Once I got all the groceries unpacked, I put in a laudry for Mom and emptied her recycling. With all that accomplished, I was on my way.

Mom is weighing heavily on me lately. She is so isolated and so alone. Her whole lif was focused on my father. With him gone, she is completely at a loss.

I am struggling with my own life too..having been laid off three weeks ago. Will life ever get easier?

Managing her money

2009-03-28T09:26:00.000-07:00

Mom is currently hysterical about a letter she got from the Bank of America about her CD's. She thinks that she has to do something by a certain date or they will take half the value of her CD's. Of course, this is totally wrong and she is just being irrational.

Her anxiety turned pretty negative last night when she called me demanding that I take her to the bank today...Saturday...my one day off a week from both Mom and my job responsibilities. I told her that I had things planned all day and could not come out. She told me that it was imperative and that if I didn't take her I shouldn't be the executor of her will. When I refused she said she would just get on the bus...fine....go for it. I rememeber how well that went the last time when I had to retreive her from Northgate Mall. That is when I hung up on her.

I am tired of her bullying behavior. I am tired of her constantly wondering where I am, what I am doing and demanding my presence. She is used to getting her way...Dad gave in to her constantly...but I am not Dad...and I do have a life of my own. I am taking a couple of days off from her.

Birthday photos

2009-03-01T20:39:00.001-08:00

Mom's 89th Birthday

2009-03-01T19:58:00.000-08:00

Today was Mom's 89th birthday. She wanted to go to the church that Dad and I used to belong to back in the last 1960's and into the 1970's. Naturally, this meant figuring out when the service was being held and figuring out how I could get her into the building in her transport chair.

When I arrived she was dressed to the nines. Camel coat with a fur collar, a 1920's style cloche hat, her new shoes, new skirt, a knit top, and a colorful scarf. She also had her lipstick on and was ready to go.

Luckily, I found parking close to the entrance of the church and got her in via a ramp that lead right up to the chapel. This is the chapel where my brother and his wife were married the first time. The pews were gone and in their place were comfortable cloth chairs. I got Mom situated on the side and slippped into the chair next to her.

The church had obviously changed a lot since I had been a member. There was a combo with drums, a piano, and some kind of African drums playing. Two giant flat screen televisions were mounted on either side of the chapel with big speakers up above.

The service started with singing...three women with microphones lead the singing as the words to the songs were projected onto the screens. This was not the church that I had come to anymore. If felt hipper, more evangelical. The sermon was from Matthew...where the devil tempted Christ three times and he did not go along with it. We ended with communion and more singing. I managed to roll Mom up to the communion table so she could receive the bread and the juice.

Throughout the service I noticed that Mom was crying off and on. I am sure she was thinking about Dad. After the service she spoke briefly to the minister about my Dad and then we left for lunch with Pamela.

Luckily, Pamela arrived early at the restaurant and called me enroute to tell me where to park to make it easy getting Mom inside. She met us and we all made out way into McCormick and Schmick's on Lake Union in Seattle. We got a nice window table and got Mom settled in a regular chair.

We all ordered..Mom had seafood chowder, some of the popcorn shrimp we ordered as an appetizer and fried oysters. Mom opened her presents while we waited for our food. I got her some body powder called Blue Grass from Elizabeth Arden and some perfume and body cream samples. She loved her gifts and was truly surpised.

For dessert she chose a chocolate mousee. I had the creme brulee and Pamela had a small berry cobbler with ice cream. The best part was when the waitress brought Mom's dessert with a birthday candle blazing as we sang her happy birthday.

Afterwards, we drove back to the northend. I went into Safeway to pick up a few things for her and then we went back to her apartment. I looked over her pill minders and discovered that she is using them as storage but not in the way they were intended. I sorted out her daily pills and put them in one of the containers. I told her we would do this every Sunday so she would have an easier time keeping track of her medications.

I hugged Mom goodbye and drove off...six hours later...happy in th knowledge that she had a really good day doing what she wanted to do, eating what she wanted to eat, looking out at the water, and celebrating her birthday.

The last time we were in this restarant was on Easter 2007. Dad was still alive and Mom was having trouble with her eye. The trouble turned out to be shingles. She was admitted to the hospital two days later.

What a wild ride this last couple of years has been.

Safe

2009-02-22T19:41:00.000-08:00

I discovered today that Mom has a bar she shoves under her doorknob. I went out there today to take her some groceries and to have a quick meal. I have not been feeling that great...upper respiratory infection....and I originally told her that I wouldn't be able to come out today. Once I got up and showered I felt better...so after church I went to Mom's place. I tried opening the door with my key, but it would not budge. I called Mom and heard the phone ringing and ringing. She also had the TV on full blast. She had fallen asleep despite all the racket. I finally pounded on the door and she eventually heard me.

Once I got inside, I took a good look at her "safety bar'. It is a long rod that has a black rubber foot and a black top that fits under the knob. I tried telling her that it was not safe. How was I going to get in and help her if she needed me? The fire department will have to break down the door if she ever needs help or has had a heart attack and died in there. There are so many bad scenarios that run through my head. Of course, she doesn't want to really think rationally about anything I say to her on the topic.

Her main concern is for her own safety. She has never felt safe in the world and this is just the latest manifestation of her lifelong fear or people and situations that she does not truly understand. She regularly misinterprets daily events, news items on the television... etc. I can do almost nothing about all of this. So..the bottom line is that she feels safe with her new tool. I do not feel safe with her new tool....so we are at a stalemate. Now that Dad is not here to protect her in the world he created for her, she has to use other more extreme measures.

Cookies, cake, ice cream

2009-02-12T17:49:00.000-08:00

Cookies, cake, ice cream....that is what Mom told her doctor today when asked what she was eating. Her doctor was trying to determine why Mom is still lossing weight. She has lost a total of 16 pounds since last June. I had to laugh at Mom's response...she does eat other things besides sweets...but the issue is that she is not really eating enough protein. I told the doctor that she does eat other foods, but she asked me to try and keep track of what Mom is eating.

She eats a little meat...but because of her esophagus issues, that is harder and harder. She won't eat yogurt, very little cheese, and a fair amount of eggs. I tried buying her protein shakes, but she resisted those as well. I think I'll try and buy her some cashews.

The up side of her appointment today is that her blood tests came back very good. She must have quite the constitution...because with her heart issues, esophagus problems and diabetes, she is still going pretty strong. Amazing..

Telling stories

2009-01-26T20:03:00.000-08:00

I am out of town all week for work. Luckily, my cell phone works and I have been able to talk to Mom twice today. This morning she seemed fine until she starting talking about my Dad. She was crying and it broke my heart.

Tomorrow would have been his 89th birthday, so Mom is having a hard time. She told me that Dad used to tell her about the day he was born every year. He was born in a snowstorm on January 27, 1920 in Orting, Washington. She wasn't sure, but she thought the midwife had probably come to the house. My Dad's birth was a happy event especially during this huge snowstorm. His father had just come back from World War I, so it was a very happy moment for Dad's parents.

As Mom related the story it dawned on me that this was a continuation of a tradition she and I have celebrated for many years on my birthday. She tells me about the day I was born. I have to say, that I hung up the phone crying...missing Dad so much. I still have Mom and she is still telling me stories...and I am grateful for every one of them.

Tomorrow I will call Mom as soon as I get done with work. She wants my brother to bring over cake and ice cream for Dad's birthday. I have no idea if he will do that for her. I hope so...because that one simple act would make her day. I wish I could be there with her tomorrow...just to make it a little easier. I will do my best on the phone.

Independence Day

2009-01-17T08:39:00.001-08:00

I started my day by calling my brother and telling him of Mom's plan to have him drive her to Northgate. He said he wouldn't do it..so I drove to work fairly sure that Mom's plan would not be implemented today. A little after 2pm I noticed a voicemail on my cell ...from Mom...she sounded like she was talking to someone about not understanding how to leave a message. I couldn't call the number back so I quickly put it all together.

She had to be at the Northgate Mall. The only thing I could do was wait for her to call back. At 4pm, the phone rang. Mom had taken the bus to Northgate, but was tired from all the walking that she had done in the mall. She needed me to come get her. I left work a few minutes early and drove in rush hour traffic to the mall. I found her sitting on a bench by Penney's dressed to the hilt in her leather and mink jacket. She was totally exhausted and a little embarassed that her plan hadn't worked out.

I slowly walked her to the car and got her settled in the passenger seat. I went back into the food court and got her a hamburger and a milkshake...knowing that she had been without food or drink for 4 hours. She happily ate and drank all the way home.

Mom admitted that she couldn't take the bus by herself anymore. She admitted the same thing last year when she pulled this same stunt. One thing she said broke my heart. She justed wanted to be independent.....I can totally understand...but it is no longer possible.

Winter White

2009-01-17T08:31:00.000-08:00

Mom has been focused on purchasing a "winter white" coat for the last two years. On Thursday, I took her to the Northgate Mall so we could continue our search for the illusive coat. With Mom in the wheelchair we made our way from Nordstrom to Macy's, ending with Penney's. Mom was being her usual grande dame self..."show me that...what size is that...wheel me in there among the coats." I hate these shopping expeditions because she rapidly becomes a tyrant.

We didn't have much time, so I was trying to keep her focused and going from store to store. Of course, she felt that I was not showing her everything and proceeded to be pretty obnoxious...to the point of whining and yelling at me. I finally found one coat that she seemed to like...so I just bought it for her. Of course, that wasn't what she wanted....so I had to return it on the spot. At that point, I needed to get going for work and was totally fed up with her behavior, so I whisked her out of the mall, returned the wheelchair and drove her home.

On my way to work, I felt that I had already done a full day...emotionally exhausted and just fed up. Mom insisted that she was going to return to the mall on her own, so after work I drove to the downtown Macy's...found her another coat on sale and drove it back out to her. Of course, it wasn't the perfect coat...but she decided to keep it. I drove home thoroughly exhausted with the search for the perfect "Winter White" coat.

I am here

2009-01-14T20:16:00.000-08:00

We never know how high we are
Till we are called to rise.....Emily Dickinson

"As we age, our parents become ours to protect and nurture as they once cared for us. As our roles reverse, as we find ourselves placed in the parental role of caretakers, many conflicting emotions may arise ranging from tenderness to anger and resentment. Despite our best intentions we may need to struggle for greater generoristy than we in fact feel. A burden seeming too great to bear can yet be born one day at a time. We have within us stores of patience and practicality, intuition and invention, all of which are called to play during difficult times. Not one of us is a saint, and yet we carry within our hearts the strength of ages. As we seek spiritual support and guidance, we find our actions tempered by humor and humilitiy. The heart expands to love those we love as they need now to be loved."

Transitions: Prayers and declarations for a changing life by Julia Cameron.

A friend who is also a caregiver sent me this. I opened the envelope and read this excerpt with a knowing heart and mind. It was like reading one of those maps in a mall...You are Here...with a big X on the spot. I am definitely here and have known all the emotions mentioned above.

Thankfully, I have been able to pull back some from my own stress and be more patient and loving with Mom recently. We have talked and laughed. I have prompted her to tell me stories of her life with Dad. We always cry at some point, but we laugh too. I leave these encounters with a little more confidence in my ability to take care of Mom in her final years. For that I am thankful.

A bad day, a good day

2009-01-07T06:36:00.000-08:00

Sunday afternoon is my usual time to go out to Mom's and make her dinner. That went pretty well this past Sunday until after dinner. I was trying to put together a recycle receptacle out of one of those cloth shopping bags. No..that would not work...she wanted to "save" that bag...it was too nice to use for recycling. I admit, I lost my patience with her quirky ways and yelled at her. There I was on the kitchen floor on my knees yelling at an 88 year old woman over a recycling bag...completely ridiculous.

It was at this moment in time that Mom shared with me that I would be responsible for her heart attack and death because I yelled at her. I just sat there on the floor and told her that if she died from a heart attack it would be because her heart didn't function properly and she was not in good health.

After I got home I told Pamela about my latest round with Mom and she simply looked at me and said "She is an adult..she makes choices about the way she behaves." Easily said...but not so easy to deal with in reality. She is by virtue of her age an adult...but I have noticed more and more a child like quality to Mom. She will ask me what to do, waiting for my instructions...or she will just get lost in her thoughts and forget what she is talking about....like she is searching for a word or a thought that has just gotten away from her.

Last night was another "dinner at Mom's" night and it went a lot better. I told her that I have been short tempered lately because I am having a pretty tough time at work. We had a good talk and she listened to what I had to say. She wishes that she could help in some way, but doesn't know what to do to help me. There is nothing that she can do but try and listen and understand the other pressures that I am under in my life. She wishes that she was not in Seattle..but there is no way she could be in Arizona without Dad. It is a tough situation for all of us. But at least last night went well for both of us.

Damned if I do, damned if I don't

2009-01-03T07:21:00.000-08:00

I went out to take Mom for a haircut yesterday and just lost it with her. I had been doing alright with her inside her apartment. I finished drying her laundry after I went down to the office to recharge her laundry card. We sat and had some tea while I ate a little lunch. I had been working all morning to take down the outside and inside Christmas decorations at home..so hadn't had time to eat before arriving at Mom's by 2:30p.m.

So...everything was going fine...until we were in the lobby heading for my car outside. That is when she started in on me about not wanting to get into my car because of my Obama sticker. I am just fed up with her racism...it just made me so mad that I stood there and told her to get out of the car. I was not going to take her anywhere. She got increasingly agitated and just stayed in the car. Ok, so that wasn't going to work. Next, I told her I would drop her at the salon and go get her groceries for her while she got her hair done. NO....that wouldn''t work...she had to go to the grocery store. I slammed her car door and stomped around to the other side. I sat there looking at her and then told her that she was a manipulative bitch. By this time she was pretty quiet. I am so ashamed of my temper ...but she just does stuff that drives me out of my mind. Her need to control every aspect of what I do, think, say has been a constant irritant my entire life. My brother calls her the Great Puppet Master...and we are all her puppets.

When I got her to the salon she was upset because she didn't recognize anyone...for goodness sakes...it is a Supercuts...people work there 10 minutes and leave. It is never going to be the same person. It was going to be a 45 minute wait, which was too much for her....so we ended up going to the grocery store. Mom contends that she has to go to the store because I have this bad habit of buying her things she doesn't need. Sometimes I do buy her extra things...just trying to give her a change or trying to balance out all the sugar she eats. Oh, well..damned if I do, damned if I don't.

Once we left Safeway, I drove us to Big Lots because Mom needed a calendar. I got her a 4 in 1 calendar with a date book and a big and small calendar. It was a flower theme...but she couldn't recognize the flowers as the pictures were all macro shots. Oh, well...damned if I do, damned if I don't.

I drove her home, unpacked all her groceries and made her some dinner. She walked me to the door. I could tell she was still upset with me...but I was just too exhausted to even deal with her. I kissed her goodbye, walked out the door and got into my car. Today was not a good day for me as Mom's caregiver.

Damned if I do, damned if I don't.

Mom at Christmas 2008

2009-01-01T19:17:00.000-08:00

New Year's Day Breakfast

2009-01-01T19:02:00.000-08:00

I drove out to have breakfast with Mom this morning. When I arrived, she wasn't quite dressed so I made breakfast while she got herself ready. I made us some toaster waffles, bacon, a grapefruit half for Mom, coffee and milk. She was really hungry. She had been up until 1:30am watching the New Year's celebrations around the country.

She was in a really talkative mood so I just let her talk while I finished my breakfast. She was being a tiny bit irritating because she can't hear that she is yelling at me. I finally got her to go into the living room and sit down while I washed the dishes. Once she got settled by her favorite picture of her and my Dad, I heard her start singing the words to their songs...Autumn Leaves and September Song. It was kind of sweet and kind of heartbreaking...especially when she started to cry. She made it all the way through both songs just as I was finishing the dishes.

I got her microphone and spoke directly into it while she had her headphones on. She is really having a hard time hearing these days. I also noticed while we were talking that her ankles are really swollen. We talked for awhile and since she didn't need any groceries I decided to leave around 10am. This disppointed her becasue she thought I was staying to make dinner. I am starting to think that she is getting confused around what time of day it is. I just don't know.

"Autumn Leaves"

English Lyrics by Johnny Mercer and Music by Joseph Kosma

The falling leaves drift by my window
The falling leaves of red and gold
I see your lips, the summer kisses
The sunburned hands I used to hold

Since you went away the days grow long
And soon I'll hear old winter's song
But I miss you most of all, my darling
When autumn leaves start to fall

Since you went away the days grow long
And soon I'll hear old winter's song
But I miss you most of all, my darling
When autumn leaves start to fall

I miss you most of all, my darling
When autumn leaves start to fall

"September Song"
Written by Maxwell Anderson & Kurt Weill.

Well, it’s a long, long time
From May to December
But the days grow short,
When you reach September.
And the autumn weather
Turns the leaves to gray
And I haven’t got time
For the waiting game.

And the days dwindle down
To a precious few . . .
September, November . . .
And these few precious days
I spend with you.
These precious days
I spend with you.

So, here we are - 2009. It has been a year and a half almost since Dad passed away. I miss him...Mom misses him. We will just keep doing the best we can.

Christmas redux

2008-12-28T07:27:00.001-08:00

Mom changed her mind about coming to our house for Christmas. I just called her up and reassured her that I could make it to her place ok and that she could bring her bag with her strongbox. It has all her important papers and for some reason she has to bring it to the house every Christmas. So...I made it all normal for her and she was ready to go when I arrived around 1pm.

We drove to the cemetary first so she could see her Mother's grave. We couldn't make it all the way to the grave because the roads had not been plowed in the cemetary. I drove as close as I could, then got out and ran up the hill a little bit to where the grave is located. I had been there the day before and hiked in from the street and miraculously found the grave. I went to the cherry tree, then turned a bit to sight off the water faucet and garbage can and within about 30 seconds have uncovered the grave. So..long story short, I held up the wreath that I had purchased the day before so Mom could see it, then ran back to the car. We had to back down the road to get out of the cemetary...Mom crying the whole way. She was both upset and nervous because of the driving conditions. I got us out of there...bless my Subaru Forester, and then drove to the house. The last two blocks were the worst, but we finally arrived around 2pm.

As soon as we arrived, Pamela and I went into full court press to get Mom inside. She had to go to the bathroom right away, so I got the transport chair and we whisked into the downstairs bathroom. It became clear right away that I was dealing with an accident...so I got some of those disposable washclothes and helped Mom change into some clean underpants. She was resistant to changing at first, but I reassured her that we were the same size and that it would be fine. After we got everything back together, she sat in the transport chair, looked at me, laughed out loud and said "Merry Christmas". It was the funniest and most tender moment of the day for me. Times change, roles change....and it all works out.

Mom was hungry...and Pamela had everything ready, so we sat down right away for a lovely Christmas lunch - ham, mashed pototes, sweet potatoes with pecans, mashed turnips, green beans, little cheesecakes, and lovely petite Buche de Noel. After dinner I showed Mom all the old Christmas pictures with Santa that stretched from 1954 until the early 1960's. She enjoyed that quite a bit.

Then onto the presents...we had gone a little overboard with Mom's gifts, but she enjoyed everything...the new socks, the eye mask, the hat, the pajamas, the soft pad for her bed, the Frangos, the removable handle for her bathtub, and the handmade fabric bag. Milo sat with Mom most of the time she was opening her presents..leaning on her...which she seemed to enjoy. He is a very loving dog.

Before we left, she wanted to visit my Dad's ashes in my room. I had a white poinsettia on the top of my bookcase for Christmas. She looked at each photo and sobbed. I understand her need to do this every year. It is part of her mourning process. Her life will never be the same without my Dad.

It was getting dark by this time..so we started back to her apartment by 4pm. She had a good meal and a good time. We made it through another Christmas.

Christmas Eve

2008-12-24T04:15:00.000-08:00

Mom had decided that she will not come to our home for Christmas Day dinner. She says that it is just too much to ride in the car back and forth with all the snow. It is snowing again this morning....so unless we get lots of rain in the next 24 hours, it looks like Mom won't be with us.

In reality, Mom is afraid someone will get into her apartment and steal from her. She told me yesterday that someone had stolen one of the nightgowns I had given her on a previous Christmas out of the dryer in the laundry room. I told her that it possible because times are tough, but that I knew that no one was going into her apartment to steal things. I reminded her that everything of value that she owned was locked up in trunks or lockboxes. I even offered to bring her heavy lockbox over to the house on Christmas. No luck. She is not going to go for it. I finally just agreed with her and let it go.

I realize that she is never really totally attached to reality. I realize that she often misplaces things and thinks they have been stolen. I also realize that I am not willing to go around this particular bush anymore this holiday season.

It is a silent and snowy night here...May we find peace on Earth...and goodwill toward everyone.

Snow falling

2008-12-18T14:45:00.000-08:00

It has been snowing since sometime early this morning...before I got up at 5am. I haven't been able to get to Mom since Sunday afternoon.

She grows more agitated with each passing day. She is certain that the bank clerk shorted her $500 when she was at the bank. More likely, she is having a harder time making sense of her statements. Mark refused to take her there yesterday. I haven't been able to make the trip since the car has not been out of the driveway much.

Every time I talk to her she is upset about something new. Today it was the Russians again. We have had this conversation before. She is convinced that the Russians are controlling our weather and have dumped this big snowfall on us. Ok, there is nothing I can do to convince her othewise, so I go along with her. Finally, I have to get off the phone and start working from home...so she is mad at me for that. I think Christmas is just a hard time for her...without Dad.

Sunday....Snow

2008-12-14T18:19:00.000-08:00

It snowed last night ...six inches ...ice underneath by this morning. I made it to Mom's this afternoon by 1:15p.m. I stopped on the way to buy her some groceries because I am just not sure if I can make it out there with the way the weather is unfolding here.

I made dinner when I got there, took out the garbage and recycling and talked with Mom about her latest plan to manage my brother's life. She has it in her head that he needs snow tires. I tried to explain that we don't have that much snow here and that he may or may not want snow tires...all to no avail. She has it set in her mind and plans to gift the snow tires to him for his birthday in February. As I was leaving after washing and drying the dishes, she told me that she needed two prescriptions filled...so I called them in feeling kind of frustrated that she hadn't mentioned this on the phone when I called her earlier in the day. We got it all squared away and I picked up the big shopping bag of gifts she had for us and drove home. The drive was a bit scary in places but I finally got home about 5p.m.

I talked with a friend at church this morning who is also a primary caregiver for her brother and his wife. I told her than Mom is a fragile person who has a iron fist in a velvet glove. Her reality is often different from mine. It often takes me time to figure out what the heck she is talking about. She has a pretty strong life force in a body that is increasingly fragile. She struggles with her body and remembering things, but still rises to the occasion. She wrapped up all the presents but told me not to put them under the tree until Christmas Eve. As I left, she showed me the top of a fir tree that is in the shape of a cross. She sits and looks at that cross day in and day out. What it means to her I have no idea..because she never discusses her religious or spiritual thoughts.

All in all, it was a good visit. That counts for a lot these days.