Today was one of those days when I wished that Dad was still alive and that Mom had died instead of him. Mom was super difficult today and acted out when I wouldn't give in to her ridiculous request. She wants to buy a $200 trunk to put Dad's suit, sweater and other papers in. It is absolutely ridiculous to save his clothes. When I told Mom I would not take her to the mall to buy the trunk she got nasty. Told me that I was wasting money doing the remodeling at our house. Pouted, wouldn't talk to me...basically acted liked a two year old. I took her to do her shopping and then took her home. I prepared her lunch....but left because she started giving me a hard time again.
I found another store where she can get the same trunk at a better price so I am going to take her there tomorrow. Pamela and I talked and she helped me see that Mom can spend the money she has in any way that she wants to....so I will take her tomorrow.
She is vomiting a lot after she eats, but refuses to go to her doctor. I think it may be acid reflux...but she says that something "flipped" in her stomach. I have no idea what she is referring to but I am not going to force her to go to the doctor.
I get so tired of dealing with all her irrational bullshit. She is living in a world of her own creation that has nothing to do with reality. Today was a bad day with her.
Thursday, October 25, 2007
Wednesday, October 17, 2007
Wednesday, October 17, 2007
I woke up this morning realizing that I had been hearing Dad's voice in my dream. I could hear him clearly...he was telling me that he was making soup. It was so good to hear his voice again. When I woke up I realized right away that I had this dream. I felt comforted.
Therapy yesterday...still struggling with the ups and downs of being Mom's assistant. Also talked about how much I miss Dad and wish I could talk to him. Voila..he talked to me and I felt comforted.
Just back from a week on vacation in California. I enjoyed everything we did, but felt oddly flat for most of the trip. My therapist says this is what grieving feels like to a person. It is a strange out of body feeling.
Therapy yesterday...still struggling with the ups and downs of being Mom's assistant. Also talked about how much I miss Dad and wish I could talk to him. Voila..he talked to me and I felt comforted.
Just back from a week on vacation in California. I enjoyed everything we did, but felt oddly flat for most of the trip. My therapist says this is what grieving feels like to a person. It is a strange out of body feeling.
Saturday, October 6, 2007
Saturday, October 6, 2007
I took Mom to Sears today to buy some shoes to go with her new raincoat. Apparently clerks in the shoe department at Sears don't actually fit people with shoes...just bring them shoes but only if you ask for help. I ended up being the one to find and fit the shoes...we considered four different pairs before Mom settled on the ones that were the best fit. Fortunately, they were also the pair that were the most practical..with flat rubber soles and lace ties. Afterwards, I went to pick up a few things for her at the grocery store. Mom wanted to go have a cup of coffee and a piece of pie, so off we went to her favorite restaurant, Shari's. She seemed to be worrying about how long her money will hold out. I told her that she seemed to be doing pretty well and just take it one day at a time. Afterwards, I took her home, put her new shoes on for her to break them in, put her eye drops in and took off.
When I am with Mom I have so many different emotions. Sometimes I have a lot of empathy for her because she is in a touch place. Dad created a world that she could function in safely for years and now he is gone. Other times I get really exhausted and she just drives me crazy. We do have our good moments when we can share a laugh or enjoy a meal together. Today at the restaurant she told me how much money she has left to live on...so I know she is concerned about how she will get by.
When Mom was in the geriatric mental health hospital last December her social worker told me that she had a personality disorder. It turns out there are several and he never specified which one of them is Mom's personality disorder. From my research is would seem that she is a combination of two:
Schizotypal personality disorder:
Many believe that schizotypal personality disorder represents mild schizophrenia. The disorder is characterized by odd forms of thinking and perceiving, and individuals with this disorder often seek isolation from others. They sometimes believe to have extra sensory ability or that unrelated events relate to them in some important way. They generally engage in eccentric behavior and have difficulty concentrating for long periods of time. Their speech is often over elaborate and difficult to follow.
* Superstitious or preoccupied with paranormal phenomena
* Difficult to follow speech patterns
* Feelings of anxiety in social situations
* Suspiciousness and paranoia
* Appears shy, aloof, or withdrawn to others
* "Magical thinking" - the idea that you can influence people and events
with your thoughts
* Odd, elaborate style of dressing, speaking and interacting with others
* Belief that messages are hidden for you in public speeches and displays
* Suspicious or paranoid ideas
Borderline personality disorder
* Difficulty controlling emotions or impulses
* Frequent, dramatic changes in mood, opinions and plans
* Stormy relationships involving frequent, intense anger and possibly
physical fights
* Fear of being alone despite a tendency to push people away
* Feeling of emptiness inside
* Suicide attempts or self-mutilation
I would say Mom has all of these behaviors except the last one in the borderline personality disorder section. I have never know her to be suicidal or to self-mutilate.
So, given all of this I am doing the best I can. Some days are easier than others. Those "other" days really take it out of me.
I am leaving tomorrow night for a week in California..L.A. and Catalina Island. I need a break.
When I am with Mom I have so many different emotions. Sometimes I have a lot of empathy for her because she is in a touch place. Dad created a world that she could function in safely for years and now he is gone. Other times I get really exhausted and she just drives me crazy. We do have our good moments when we can share a laugh or enjoy a meal together. Today at the restaurant she told me how much money she has left to live on...so I know she is concerned about how she will get by.
When Mom was in the geriatric mental health hospital last December her social worker told me that she had a personality disorder. It turns out there are several and he never specified which one of them is Mom's personality disorder. From my research is would seem that she is a combination of two:
Schizotypal personality disorder:
Many believe that schizotypal personality disorder represents mild schizophrenia. The disorder is characterized by odd forms of thinking and perceiving, and individuals with this disorder often seek isolation from others. They sometimes believe to have extra sensory ability or that unrelated events relate to them in some important way. They generally engage in eccentric behavior and have difficulty concentrating for long periods of time. Their speech is often over elaborate and difficult to follow.
* Superstitious or preoccupied with paranormal phenomena
* Difficult to follow speech patterns
* Feelings of anxiety in social situations
* Suspiciousness and paranoia
* Appears shy, aloof, or withdrawn to others
* "Magical thinking" - the idea that you can influence people and events
with your thoughts
* Odd, elaborate style of dressing, speaking and interacting with others
* Belief that messages are hidden for you in public speeches and displays
* Suspicious or paranoid ideas
Borderline personality disorder
* Difficulty controlling emotions or impulses
* Frequent, dramatic changes in mood, opinions and plans
* Stormy relationships involving frequent, intense anger and possibly
physical fights
* Fear of being alone despite a tendency to push people away
* Feeling of emptiness inside
* Suicide attempts or self-mutilation
I would say Mom has all of these behaviors except the last one in the borderline personality disorder section. I have never know her to be suicidal or to self-mutilate.
So, given all of this I am doing the best I can. Some days are easier than others. Those "other" days really take it out of me.
I am leaving tomorrow night for a week in California..L.A. and Catalina Island. I need a break.
Tuesday, October 2, 2007
Tuesday, October 2, 2007
Today is my 53rd birthday. It is my first birthday without Dad. I spent the first half of the day with Mom...having breakfast, going to the store and bank. She told me the story of the day of my birth again. She tells me the story every year. Dad was so excited to have a baby girl. He came to the hospital to see me...I was born on a Saturday in 1954. Of course he took the guys cigars at the office. He brought home all kinds of clothes people had given him at work and put them up against me to see how I would look. Mom said he acted like he was the only person who had ever been a father before...he was that excited.
After I dropped Mom off I went to the DMV to renew my driver's license....which was a complete exercise in futility. I sat there for one hour and forty five minutes before I gave up, took another number and went off to therapy. My hope was that I would get back in time to use my second number which was 229. When I left they were on 167 and by the time I got back they were only on 199...so I had to sit for another half hour before they called my number. Of course the picture the woman took is horrible...I look like an aging chipmunk who just put a pound of nuts in her mouth. I was just glad to be out of that hellish place.
Later I went to REI to exchange a fleece jacket for another size and buy Pamela a fleece sweater and some shoes. Home finally by 5pm.
Today in therapy I talked a lot about how difficult Mom can be sometimes and discussed ways of coping with situation. One thing I am going to do is start pulling back a bit so that I am not available so much. I really want her to go into assisted living and one way to help her see her need for that is by not being her assistant all the time. Pat suggested I get someone to come in and help her..but I don't think this would work at all. I am going to ask Mark to take on the whole moving thing with Mom...she wants to move when her lease is up. This is her pattern..I really don't think it makes sense to move unless it is into an assisted living facility.
I finally made sense of something today that happened a couple of years ago with Dad. Mom and Dad were here for a visit, staying with us as usual. Dad and I had an opportunity to go off together and spend some time. I took him to a really cool hardware store called ReJuve. We also went to have donuts and coffee at Krispy Kreme. He seemed very anxious about getting back to the house by the time he had told Mom he would return. I didn't think it was such a big deal and encouraged him to come with me to Lowe's to do some more shopping. At the time I remember that I commented to Pamela that I thought Dad had Stockholm Syndrome. Stockholm syndrome is a psychological response sometimes seen in an abducted hostage, in which the hostage shows signs of loyalty to the hostage-taker, regardless of the danger (or at least risk) in which the hostage has been placed.
A more accurate description of what I think was going on follows:
Adult physical abuse: In lay terms, this is a reference to any person who, because of constant and severe domestic violence usually involving physical abuse by a partner, becomes depressed and unable to take any independent action that would allow him or her to escape the abuse. The condition explains why abused people often do not seek assistance from others, fight their abuser, or leave the abusive situation. Sufferers have low self-esteem, and often believe that the abuse is their fault. Such persons usually refuse to press criminal charges against their abuser, and refuse all offers of help.
In some ways I think Dad was Mom's hostage, and I definitely know that she abused him both psychologically and physically. I asked my therapist today why he didn't tell me what was going on. I would have gotten him out of that situation immediately. She said she thought he probably didn't tell me out of shame or because he knew that I would take him away from Mom. He felt so responsible for Mom that he couldn't imagine who would take care of her if he didn't do it. I know he loved Mom because I sat in on the session last December with them and Mom's psychiatrist and social worker when she was in the hospital for hitting Dad. He sat there and cried and said he loved Mom. I will never understand their relationship. It just makes me sad that he suffered in any way. I know Mom must suffer too...I know she is so lonely without him now. The entire situation just makes me sad.
After I dropped Mom off I went to the DMV to renew my driver's license....which was a complete exercise in futility. I sat there for one hour and forty five minutes before I gave up, took another number and went off to therapy. My hope was that I would get back in time to use my second number which was 229. When I left they were on 167 and by the time I got back they were only on 199...so I had to sit for another half hour before they called my number. Of course the picture the woman took is horrible...I look like an aging chipmunk who just put a pound of nuts in her mouth. I was just glad to be out of that hellish place.
Later I went to REI to exchange a fleece jacket for another size and buy Pamela a fleece sweater and some shoes. Home finally by 5pm.
Today in therapy I talked a lot about how difficult Mom can be sometimes and discussed ways of coping with situation. One thing I am going to do is start pulling back a bit so that I am not available so much. I really want her to go into assisted living and one way to help her see her need for that is by not being her assistant all the time. Pat suggested I get someone to come in and help her..but I don't think this would work at all. I am going to ask Mark to take on the whole moving thing with Mom...she wants to move when her lease is up. This is her pattern..I really don't think it makes sense to move unless it is into an assisted living facility.
I finally made sense of something today that happened a couple of years ago with Dad. Mom and Dad were here for a visit, staying with us as usual. Dad and I had an opportunity to go off together and spend some time. I took him to a really cool hardware store called ReJuve. We also went to have donuts and coffee at Krispy Kreme. He seemed very anxious about getting back to the house by the time he had told Mom he would return. I didn't think it was such a big deal and encouraged him to come with me to Lowe's to do some more shopping. At the time I remember that I commented to Pamela that I thought Dad had Stockholm Syndrome. Stockholm syndrome is a psychological response sometimes seen in an abducted hostage, in which the hostage shows signs of loyalty to the hostage-taker, regardless of the danger (or at least risk) in which the hostage has been placed.
A more accurate description of what I think was going on follows:
Adult physical abuse: In lay terms, this is a reference to any person who, because of constant and severe domestic violence usually involving physical abuse by a partner, becomes depressed and unable to take any independent action that would allow him or her to escape the abuse. The condition explains why abused people often do not seek assistance from others, fight their abuser, or leave the abusive situation. Sufferers have low self-esteem, and often believe that the abuse is their fault. Such persons usually refuse to press criminal charges against their abuser, and refuse all offers of help.
In some ways I think Dad was Mom's hostage, and I definitely know that she abused him both psychologically and physically. I asked my therapist today why he didn't tell me what was going on. I would have gotten him out of that situation immediately. She said she thought he probably didn't tell me out of shame or because he knew that I would take him away from Mom. He felt so responsible for Mom that he couldn't imagine who would take care of her if he didn't do it. I know he loved Mom because I sat in on the session last December with them and Mom's psychiatrist and social worker when she was in the hospital for hitting Dad. He sat there and cried and said he loved Mom. I will never understand their relationship. It just makes me sad that he suffered in any way. I know Mom must suffer too...I know she is so lonely without him now. The entire situation just makes me sad.
Thursday, September 27, 2007
Thursday, September 27, 2007
So, the phone rang this morning....it was Mom...asking me to come out and help her. It was what I expected. She acted as if nothing bad happened last weekend. I have no idea if she has no memory of what happened or if she has conveniently gone into denial. I told her I would be out sometime this morning to take her shopping. We did our usual three hours of shopping...at the drugstore and at Fred Meyer. She bought me a fleece vest and some socks for my birthday...and a lot of food. She has it in her mind that she must stock up before we leave for California on Oct. 7th. I told her that I would take her shopping again before we leave, but she still insisted on buying a lot of food. We had a pretty good time, but she seemed a little anxious in the car. After lugging everything upstairs, I fixed her lunch and then took off for my lunch appointment with my high school french teacher..which was totally fun.
After lunch, I went to a yearly memorial service for the families of people who were taken care of by Providence Hospice. It was a tiny bit new age, but it was still good to be in a room with others who have experienced major loss. I lite a candle for Dad and spoke about his experience with the hospice chaplain. I heard about it from the chaplain a week after Dad died. She called to ask if it would be ok to visit Dad again...and that is when I told her he had passed away. She was very sorry and apologized for not being informed of his death. Kate then told me about her experience with Dad. At first he was a little confused as to who she was and why she was visiting him. Once he understood that she was a visiting hospice chaplain, he opened up to her and talked about his concern for Mom. He prayed for our family with her and then he prayed for the whole world. Kate said that he was amazingly open and clear. As she was leaving he told her it was important to work things out with her co-workers. This amazed her as she had just come from a meeting that had been a bit upsetting to her at work, but had not mentioned it to my Dad. She was a little embarrassed that she had come to comfort Dad and he ended up comforting her. I think Dad was pretty empathic all his life and even more so as he neared death. As I told this story in front of a room full of strangers I cried and struggled to keep talking, but I needed to talk about Dad and how much I loved him.
I still love him and I still miss him.
After lunch, I went to a yearly memorial service for the families of people who were taken care of by Providence Hospice. It was a tiny bit new age, but it was still good to be in a room with others who have experienced major loss. I lite a candle for Dad and spoke about his experience with the hospice chaplain. I heard about it from the chaplain a week after Dad died. She called to ask if it would be ok to visit Dad again...and that is when I told her he had passed away. She was very sorry and apologized for not being informed of his death. Kate then told me about her experience with Dad. At first he was a little confused as to who she was and why she was visiting him. Once he understood that she was a visiting hospice chaplain, he opened up to her and talked about his concern for Mom. He prayed for our family with her and then he prayed for the whole world. Kate said that he was amazingly open and clear. As she was leaving he told her it was important to work things out with her co-workers. This amazed her as she had just come from a meeting that had been a bit upsetting to her at work, but had not mentioned it to my Dad. She was a little embarrassed that she had come to comfort Dad and he ended up comforting her. I think Dad was pretty empathic all his life and even more so as he neared death. As I told this story in front of a room full of strangers I cried and struggled to keep talking, but I needed to talk about Dad and how much I loved him.
I still love him and I still miss him.
Tuesday, September 25, 2007
Tuesday, September 25, 2007
Complete silence from Mom. I have not spoken to her since she hung up on me Sunday morning. I am taking a break from her. I can't let myself be abused this way...and I cannot let her abuse my partner, Pamela.
More feelings have been coming up around what my aunt told me on Sunday evening. It makes me so sad and so angry to know that Mom was hitting Dad. If he had taken me into his confidence, I would have taken him out of that situation. I know he felt that it was his job to take care of Mom, but not at the risk of his own physical well being. It is so hard to deal with the knowledge that my own beloved Dad was being beaten by my Mom. I have seen her rages and I know that she can get pretty dangerous. The thought of her behavior and the damage she did makes me sick to my stomach.
More feelings have been coming up around what my aunt told me on Sunday evening. It makes me so sad and so angry to know that Mom was hitting Dad. If he had taken me into his confidence, I would have taken him out of that situation. I know he felt that it was his job to take care of Mom, but not at the risk of his own physical well being. It is so hard to deal with the knowledge that my own beloved Dad was being beaten by my Mom. I have seen her rages and I know that she can get pretty dangerous. The thought of her behavior and the damage she did makes me sick to my stomach.
Sunday, September 23, 2007
Saturday, September 23, 2007
Just when I thought things were going well with Mom....everything goes south on us. She was in a very agitated and aggressive mood today when Pamela and I went out to take her shopping for my birthday. She slammed her purse into Pamela in the car on purpose. She thought I was taking her wallet and a check into the bank to cash a reimbursement check from their auto insurance company. All I was doing was getting out to see if the bank was open...which it wasn't. She was mad about that and then wasn't much better when we took her to her credit union..which was open. We let her go in by herself because neither one of us wanted to be around her. She came out spewing some hateful stuff about 'foreigners'. I guess there were non-white people in the credit union. She often falls into this kind of behavior when she is being irrational...I don't know if it is her personality disorder or she is eating too much sugar or what.
We told her we were not prepared to take her to the mall..but ended up taking her to Rite Aid and Bartell's to get get a few things and pick up her medicine. She apologized to Pamela but not to me when we got her home. This morning she tore into me for my duties around the collection plate at church. I told her in no uncertain terms that it was none of her business...at which point she hung up on me. I am going to let her stew for a few days....there is nothing more I can do to make this situation better. She plays the old lady and uses her soft voice and then turns into a raving aggressive bitch ...all in the same day. I need a rest from this stuff.
I talked with my Dad's sister Josephine last night. She is really supportive of me especially as it pertains to my Mom's abusive behavior. She told me that my Dad called her last fall and told her that my Mom had been hitting him. I used to wonder about the bruises on his arms...I even asked him about them, but he always said he had bumped his arm. I am so sad and upset that he didn't tell me what was going on. I would have gotten him out of there in a heartbeat and taken him to live with us.
Last December right before Christmas Mom was hospitalized in a geriatric mental health unit because Dad couldn't handle her. She was so angry...but Dad actually missed her while she was gone. I don't understand it...but he still loved her despite all the crap she put him through. I wish he had taken me into his confidence....I wish I could have protected him.
We told her we were not prepared to take her to the mall..but ended up taking her to Rite Aid and Bartell's to get get a few things and pick up her medicine. She apologized to Pamela but not to me when we got her home. This morning she tore into me for my duties around the collection plate at church. I told her in no uncertain terms that it was none of her business...at which point she hung up on me. I am going to let her stew for a few days....there is nothing more I can do to make this situation better. She plays the old lady and uses her soft voice and then turns into a raving aggressive bitch ...all in the same day. I need a rest from this stuff.
I talked with my Dad's sister Josephine last night. She is really supportive of me especially as it pertains to my Mom's abusive behavior. She told me that my Dad called her last fall and told her that my Mom had been hitting him. I used to wonder about the bruises on his arms...I even asked him about them, but he always said he had bumped his arm. I am so sad and upset that he didn't tell me what was going on. I would have gotten him out of there in a heartbeat and taken him to live with us.
Last December right before Christmas Mom was hospitalized in a geriatric mental health unit because Dad couldn't handle her. She was so angry...but Dad actually missed her while she was gone. I don't understand it...but he still loved her despite all the crap she put him through. I wish he had taken me into his confidence....I wish I could have protected him.
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