Just when you think it can't get any worse...

I have not had time to maintain this blog and my new blog "Our path to motherhood" since our daughter Haven was born on May 18, 2010. To keep up with that story please go to my other blog at: http://www.ourpathtomotherhood.blogspot.com

Mom has been alternating between good and evil behavior for the last two weeks. Today she was good for the entire time I took her to the store and her doctor's appointment. Her eye and scalp are bothering her again from the shingles she was diagnosed with in April 2007.

The evil part came when I got her home along with her purchases. She has been especially bad around my family, meaning Pamela and Haven, our newborn. Her racism towards Pamela and Haven has truly been disgusting to listen to for the last two weeks. She told me today that I should be taking care of her, not Pamela and the baby. I told her again that Pamela and Haven are my family and I will continue to care for them. Mind you, this was said after I had spent the entire afternoon taking her to the doctor, shopping and then the pharmacy.

I am generally a patient person, but this latest verbal abuse was just too much to bear. I picked up a soft pillow and threw it at her. She promptly threw it at me. I threw it back. There I was reduced to a childish temper tantrum that matched her's throw for throw. In a final shot, I informed her that Dad had called her a bitch from his bed in the nursing home, just days before his death. Of course, she called me a liar. I could have spared her that last comment, but I just was so infuriated by her mean behavior, I lost it. I had already prepared her dinner and left it by her chair, so I just walked out and locked the door.

When I arrived home, I walked into the kitchen, burst into tears and told Pamela the latest horror story. I just don't think I can do this much longer. I think the hardest part was watching her be the "nice little old lady" with the doctor's assistant and the doctor. There she was regaling them with stories, hugging the assistant, being cooperative. I was left with the racist, selfish, verbally abusive mother I have known my entire life. Why is it that she can be so great with complete strangers? I will never understand her or her motivations.

I am going to take a few day off after I drop off her latest prescription tomorrow. I am emotionally exhausted.

Just when you think everything is going smoothly...

Mom arriving home from her doctor's appointment


Pamela in the hospital making the best of the situation

The amazing thing about dealing with a difficult parent is that I can move through the anger pretty quickly these days. By necessity, I have to given the daily challenges of helping my Mom.

She is having a tough time right now...having just had a toenail removed. She has cream and a program of cleaning and bandaging her toe, which actually is a good thing on many levels.

1. Mom requested that I take her to the doctor..which she has resisted for over a year for any reason.

2. While I had my own appointment to check the progress of the foot surgery I had in January, she happily sat in her wheelchair and watched the big screen TV in the waiting room.

3. She was pleasant and compliant during the her visit with the doctor.

4. The toe now gives her something to do to care for herself.

I have too many other things going on right now to really let her get me upset. I just have to put most of my energy into my own life and helping Pamela while she is in the hospital. She has mild pre-eclamsia. It looks like our daughter will be arriving several weeks early. For a more information go to my other blog: http://ourpathtomotherhood.blogspot.com/

Mom's hands on Mother's Day 2010

It is hard to know that these hands raised me, but belong to someone I no longer even like because of her mean and abusive behavior.

Mom's racist comments and other assorted verbal abuse continues. The baby news has stripped away all verbal decorum as she issues stream after stream of negative comments directed at me, my partner and the baby that will soon be a part of my "chosen family".

My Mom has been verbally abusive for my entire life...so it is hard to separate out what is just the usual from what may be linked to any dementia she is experiencing at this point of her life.

After our phone conversation this morning, I just hung up and sat there crying. On the one hand she says that I am "kind and good to her". On the other she makes disparaging remarks about my partner's race, the baby, and my involvement in my own family of choice.

As far as I am concerned the only family I had was my Dad, and he is gone now. I really wish he had survived Mom...because he would be so happy and supportive of the family that Pamela and I are creating.

Unfortunately, I am left caring for a mean, spiteful, negative, depressed Mother with a serious personality disorder. I know this will end one day, but right now it just feels like an oppressive weight on my shoulders.

Truth telling

I have not mentioned it before, but my partner is expecting a child in late June or early July. This is a source of great happiness for us.

I have put off telling Mom because I knew it would be unpleasant and she did not disappoint. Her reaction came in three parts:

1. "Pamela is crazy".

2. "Will the baby be black?" (this is a bad thing because she is a racist)

3. What will the last name be? (her head would have blown off if I had told her Corliss-Wilkins...more of her racism...so I didn't answer her question.)

I feel completely angry, sad and disappointed in her and her negative and ignorant behavior. Actually she is so true to form...she has acted this way about my life since I was 18....

Distant voices

Mom always tells me important information in the car. The car is not electronically monitored in her version of the world. I was driving her home yesterday when she casually mentioned that she had been walking and talking with her long deceased Mother. I said that must be nice because she has really missed her Mother for the last 54 years. She did not seem comforted by these walks or talks. I think it scares her and tells her that her own death may be soon. I tried to be very supportive and positive about these dreams she is having, but I am not sure that I made much of a dent.

7:30am

That is when the phone rang. Mom acted as if nothing had happened. She denied every mean thing she had said to me the day before.

I am starting to research all aspects of dementia. I believe she has some form of it.
As I write this, I am emotionally exhausted with all of her drama. How much of it is her and how much of it is her physical condition, I have no idea.

I have reached my wall

Mom finally pushed me over the edge today. She and I were not getting along at all on our trip to Sears,the grocery store and lunch. She was being a bully and I was just getting angrier and angrier. I couldn't take it anymore. She finally pushed me over the edge by saying that I was "nutty" and that they never should have taken me out of the "nut bin"' years ago.

I drove her home, got her out of the car and went upstairs to leave her groceries in her kitchen. I went back to the lobby and gave her both of my keys and told her that she was now on her own.

I cannot take her verbal abuse anymore.

My blood pressure was sky high.

I have reached my wall.