Phone calls

Mom calls me several times a day to tell me to come get her. Today she informed me that the Doctor said she could leave as long as I gave my permission. I checked with her nurse and found out that no such order has been put in her chart by her doctor. I asked the woman at the nurses desk to stop giving her the phone because I need a break for this behavior. I also asked them to leave a note for the Doctor on her chart. I need to talk with him and get a better idea of what is happening with her congestive heart failure and the pneumonia.

Friday with Mom

My nephew Danny visited Mom. It was great that he could come with me after we had breakfast. He was so good with her...talking, holding her hand, helping me get her dressed for lunch. It was amazing to see what a wonderful man he has become. His visit made Mom's day. She introduced him to all the ladies at her lunch table. Danny told her he would come back again to visit. As we left we waved to her through the window as we walked down the path to the street.

We talked a lot afterward about Mom, Dad....my brother, his family...how Danny is doing. It was so great to see him. I would be friends with him even if he wasn't my nephew....he is just that cool.

I know it made Mom's day pretty happy....she talks about him all the time...and has been asking me all kinds of questions about his life. I managed to arrange one of the things she has been wanting....time with her grandson.

While we were there I talked with the woman who has been working with Mom on her physical therapy. She told me that Mom is really funny and gave me an example of her humor. She told this woman "you don't have to be crazy to be here, but it helps". Classic humor from Mom!

From bad to worse

Mom has been difficult all day. She was pretty crabby when I dropped by to sit with her at breakfast this morning. Mark sent me a text telling me that she asked him to take her home. He asked her to come to her room to have a conversation in private and she refused to go. He turned and walked out of the facility. I got a call from her on my cell this afternoon. She was demanding that I come get her and take her home. I refused and told her she needed to be where she was...that it wasn't safe for her to come home.

When I got to the facility this evening, she was sitting by the elevators with her satchel in her lap. When she saw me she waved and smiled. She told me that I had to take her home. I tried to reason with her...I tried distracting her by asking if she had had her hair shampooed and cut today. Nothing worked.

I had a conversation with two of the employees...her nurse and the care coordinator. They told me that she was refusing to eat and would not take her medication. Their big concern was that refusing the antibiotics would put her in a dangerous position with the increased coughing and the pneumonia. I pleaded with her to eat something, take her antibiotics and then get some sleep. She refused again.

While I was talking to her doctor on the phone, she managed to move over to the wall in her wheelchair, get up and then stand holding onto the railing. Three employees where standing around her for safety. The doctor and I agreed that she needed to stay put and that the best strategy was just to wait her out in hopes that she would eventually get tired and hungry.

The nurses asked me what to do about the antibiotics. I told them not to force them on her...just to let her be. She was begging me to take her to her home while I walked down the hall to the exit. It was one of the worst days I have ever had with Mom. I can only hope that tomorrow she is in a better frame of mind.

I know that I am going to stay away for a day and see if that doesn't help a bit. I think it may cause her to think about going back to her place when she sees me. Looking at her tonight, trying to reason with her.....my heart was just breaking. Why does she have to make everything so hard for herself and for those who are closest to her? I am sure I will never know.

Day 11

Today is Day 11 in the rehab facility. Mom has been pretty tired all weekend. She started it off with a fall in her room on Friday afternoon.

Mom slide off the toilet seat in her room last Friday because she refused to call for an aid to help her. When I got there she was sitting in a chair by the nurse's station. She was totally wiped out. I sat with her and rubbed her back. They were preparing to take x-rays and blood tests sometime during the evening. They found that she had not injured or broken anything. They did find that she had some kind of spot on her lung..so they are treating her for pneumonia.

When Mom fell, she was trying to prove she could go to the bathroom on her own so she can go home by next Thursday. I don't see that happening but I try to keep encouraging her to work with her physical therapist. The main problem is she had so little strength. Her hands have arthritis, her feet give her trouble with neurapathy, and she has trouble maneuvering.

I was at the facility a lot over the weekend. I try to encourage Mom to eat, but nothing really seems to taste good to her. She ate the most at lunch today when she ate her chicken fried steak, half her mashed potatoes, and a few bits of broccoli. Tonight she just picked at her chicken caesar salad and banana cake.

She says that her stomach hurts all the time. That is probably from the antiobiotics that she is taking. She complains that she is taking too many pills. I asked for a listing of everything she is taking, but my request will have to go through medical records department at the facility.

I also pitched a mini fit there yesterday trying to get her a toilet seat riser that elevates the seat. She is used to using one at home. It helps her get to the toilet without having to bend down too far. I got a bit of a bureaucratic run around being shuffled from person to person yesterday. One woman said she knew that Mom had fallen because she did not have the riser, but that the physical therapist would have to get an ok for one. I just got very firm and said that I knew the facility would not want my Mom to fall again and that I thought this simple item would help her a lot. Voila....there is was this afternoon when I got to Mom's room.

I am going in early tomorrow morning so I can catch her doctor. I want to understand more of what we are dealing with and get a realistic evaluation of her ability to be on her own or not...then I can move ahead and start to plan for one of these scenarios.

I am physically and emotionally exhausted. Mom is pretty down and not feeling well. It is hard to see her in this situation because she does not do well when she is not in control. I am just putting one foot in front of the other while trying to be her advocate.

911

It turns out that the hospital and the surgery were the easy part of this week. Once I had Mom moved to a rehabilitation facility, all hell broke loose. Mom seemed fine when I was with her on Thursday afternoon. She rested in bed while I put all her clothes away. She ate some lunch and I signed a bunch of papers. She got agitated when she was asked to sign some papers and it basically went downhill from there. I finally left the facility when she began to beg me to take her home.

She ended up calling me all afternoon with the same plea.."take me home....I don't want to be here". She finally packed all her clothes, put everything on her over bed table and rolled it as far as she could until the staff got her into a wheelchair. She then proceeded to move to the lobby where she sat all afternoon and into the evening demanding to be taken home. The staff kept calling me and then putting her on the phone so she could beg directly. They finally called to say that she had called the police and told them that she was being held against her will. The staff asked that I come down to talk to the police.

I sat in my car in front of the facility waiting for the police to arrive for about a half hour. I arranged for my best friend to come over and be with me. I just did not want to handle this alone. She finally arrived, the police finally arrived....and the talking began. The officers did a great job...really trying to reason with her that she needed to be there to get stronger after her hip surgery. At one point the nurse asked if I would help hold Mom down so they could give her a shot of Atavan. I told her I could not do that ....she would see that as a total betrayal. We called my brother so the officer and Mom could both talk to him. After they talked to my brother, I talked to him. He felt Mom was upset to be in the same facility where Dad had died in 2007. I told him that was a complete smokescreen. Mom would say anything to manipulate people into giving in to her. I knew it was a complete waste of time to try and reason with her, but I let the process play out. There is no reasoning with someone who has both paranoid personality disorder and borderline personality disorder. Throw a little dementia in there and you have a very toxic stew.

I finally left because I knew there was nothing else I could do. The officers somehow got her to her room and kept talking to her. I don't know if they ever gave her the shot.

Since Thursday I have checked on her each day via phone. She was with a staff member all day on Friday because she tried to leave the facility. She was pouring over the yellow pages...probably trying to find a moving company to take her back to Arizona. Today she took her vitamins and her pain pill and had 8 hours sleep last night. Maybe they do have her on Atavan. All I know is that I can't take care of her anymore.

Where we are now

I know it has been a while since I have posted any entries to this blog. Work, helping Mom, our new daughter ...basically life has gotten pretty busy these days.

The short story is that Mom broke her hip last Sunday morning. It took me 2 hours to convince her she needed to go to the hospital. Once I had put some things she wanted into her trunks, she let me call 911. She insisted on putting her lipstick on before the 4 firemen arrived. They cut the right leg of her pants, evaluated her and called a cabulance to transport her to Virginia Mason Hospital.

I followed them to the Emergency Room. They gave her a nerve block, took some x-rays, evaluated her overall health and sent her to the Ortho floor to await surgery. They ended up monitoring her the rest of Sunday and all day Monday to make sure she could handle surgery. They found she has congestive heart failure, some valve blockage, one side of the heart that doesn't move much, and of course, her diabetes.

I finally went with her to the door of the surgical area about 6pm on Monday night. The anesthesiologist called around 7:30pm to let me know that her age and condition made this a high risk procedure. The surgeon called about 10:30pm to let me know it had gone well.

I saw Mom the next day, and she seemed to be doing fairly well. They got her out of bed a little and worked with her on her post operative precautions...no bending down, not pivoting her right foot, no more than a 70% angle. Today she walked with the aid of a walker and a Physical therapist for 100 feet. She amazes everyone with her resilience.

Tomorrow she is being transferred to a rehab facility for up to 20 days to build her strength. I will meet her there and bring more clothes. I will also help ease her into the place, as I know she is extremely nervous about being in this facility. This is where my Dad died in June of 2007. She probably fears the same will happen to her.

It has been an emotionally exhausting week for both of us...but she is still in hanging in there.

Mom's 91st Birthday

Mom with her birthday cake tonight


Mom at the restaurant on Sunday


Pamela and Haven at the restaurant on Sunday

Sunday I took Mom, Pamela and Haven for lunch at a local seafood restaurant. The big hit for Mom was the chocolate sundae at the end of the meal. She seemed to enjoy getting out and spending time with us. She really gets a kick out of Haven and all her little antics.

Today is Mom's 91st birthday. I started her day by calling and singing her "Happy Birthday". Her first words were "I knew you would call". I arranged with her to bring dinner over tonight after work. Fried chicken, mashed potatoes and gravy, cabbage salad, and a chocolate baby cake with a candle.

Mom never talks much while we eat. I think she needs to concentrate. Her hearing is now so bad that it is difficult to communicate with her. We seem to do best over the phone.

After dinner, which was a big hit, I helped Mom get ready for bed. She sat on the bed in her nightgown while I sat with her marveling at her 91st birthday. She said that she hopes there aren't many more. She is having more foot pain with the neuropathy, more trouble with her heart and is just generally getting tired of living.

I did her dishes, took out the garbage and kissed her goodnight. I did what I could to make it a pleasant evening.

Happy Birthday, Mom.