Our last go round

I took Mom to breakfast at the International House of Pancakes this morning before her appointment with the doctor. I wanted her to have a good breakfast before we went to her appointment because I had a feeling we were going to be there awhile. When we were sitting in the Doctor's office Mom looked and me and said 'This will be our last go round". I looked at her and said "Well, then, let's make it a doozy!"

The Doctor at the clinic was great with Mom...a woman who understood Mother's and was both clinically good and emotionally present. Mom had been concerned about a lump in her left breast. That was just one of the concerns...her breathing is labored, her blood sugar was really high, and the edema in her legs worse by the day.

The doctor sent us off to get blood tests done and an EKG. Once that was all done we went back to the Doctor's office and were told to go to another clinic to get a mammogram. Once we arrived at the second clinic, there was the usual flurry of papers to read and sign. We were then told that Mom would be having a mammogram and an ultrasound. Once those were completed, the Doctor called the first Doctor and they agreed that a biopsy would be done immediately.

By this time is was 1:30pm and we had been at this since 10am. Mom didn't complain, even though she had to keep taking off her shirt,sweater and coat repeatedly. Once the biopsy was done, we went back to the first clinic and were directed across the hall to get an X-Ray of Mom's chest. When that was done we went back and talked to the Doctor. She prescribed Lasix to deal with the edema and Metformin to deal with the high blood sugar.

She told me that Mom's blood work looked pretty good, as did her EKG. She is really more concerned about the labored breathing and the wheezing. I won't know until next week, but I think the concern is that the cancerous lump may have metastasized to her chest. The Doctor agreed that she had the classic symptoms of congestive heart failure. Next Friday we go back for an echo cardiogram so the Doctor can see what is going on inside Mom's heart.

We left the clinic around 3:00pm only to get into a rainstorm and a huge backup on the freeway. I took Mom home, helped her undress and made her some dinner. I went to the grocery store to do her shopping and to the drugstore to get her medications. I took everything up to her apartment, unpacked and put the groceries away, and made notes for Mom to remind her to take her medication.

I helped her into bed. She wondered aloud what she would have done without me today. True, it was a long day for us both, but she was easy to handle all day. In a strange way, it was a good day to be with her. It did remind me of the rounds of tests I took Dad to at the same clinic. I wonder if Mom will die quickly just like Dad did....just slip away and be gone.

Everyone loves a parade!

I took Mom to the Hi-Yu Seafair parade in West Seattle today. It took some doing, as her apartment is in the blocked off area. I managed to find a place in a lot two blocks away. I took her chair and set out to pick her up. Once she put on her shoes and hat she was ready to go. I got her back to the car and helped her slowly transfer from the chair to the front seat of the car.

I drove the back streets to find a place that would be relatively close to the parade route and to the spot that Pamela and Haven were waiting for our arrival. It took some doubling back and around, but I finally found a shady parking place. Again, I helped Mom transfer from the car to the chair. We were off! The problem I noticed right away was the absence of handicapped curbs on the corners. I had to lift the chair and then slowly steady it as I put Mom down on the street. We covered six blocks this way and finally found Pamela and Haven.

We all watched the clowns and the marching bands and those silly Seafair Pirates and Clowns. There were politicians marching, drill teams and floats drifting by. Mom seemed to have a good time just being out and seeing some new sights. Haven did great will the load explosions from the Seafair Pirates and generally seemed to enjoy her first parade. At the end of the parade, Pamela and Haven took off for the house. Mom and I headed back to the car but decided to stop at Mcdonalds for some lunch. We got back to the car and did the slow transfer again.

Getting Mom back to her apartment was again a bit of a challenge. I found one side street nearby where I could legally park. The big barrier was the large rocks that made up the parking strip. Mom was worried and not sure she could navigate them. I held her hands and told her that she could do it. She finally made it to the level sidewalk and sat down in her transport chair. I rolled her up the street and got her safely to her building, into the elevator and back to her apartment. Whew....quite the adventure!

No Doctors!

I asked Mom recently if she wanted to go to the doctor. She said "NO DOCTORS"!!! She also refused to consider going into a nursing home where her needs could be taken care of 24 hours a day 7 days a week.

Mom is in a new stage. She sleeps almost all the time. She says her legs are weak. She seems to have little or no ability to prepare food. I have been going over once or twice a day to heat up food, prepare salads, and do laundry and dishes. The edema in her legs is worse. She has a cough. It feels like she is less and less present.

Watching this is hard for me. I try to stay focused on what it is that I can do to help her or improve her day. Sometimes just preparing a meal for her helps. Sometimes vacuuming the apartment makes her feel better. I straighten out her bed clothes and try to make sure that her pillows are stacked up. Tonight I had to convince her to change into her nightgown and get into bed. She just laid there all curled up.

I will go back tomorrow morning to make her breakfast and try to get her comfortable for the day.

Forgetting

This morning I went over to Mom's like I have for many Friday mornings. I fixed us breakfast and set it out for us. Mom had one of her bills out and we talked about that for a bit. She wanted to pay with a money order, but I told her that she was going to use a check. I made the check out and gave it to her to sign. She looked at me and asked me what her last name was....I looked at her and told her her last name and how to spell it. As I was doing this I was thinking "ok...so now we are here...she is really starting to forget things."

After breakfast I got her to the car and then to the post office. We mailed her bill and then drove to the grocery store. She told me what she wanted and then sat in the car while I went into the store. She can no longer navigate the power carts. I got back with her groceries and then drove us back to her apartment. Since there was a local festival going on right up the street I had Mom stay in the car while I took her groceries upstairs.

I loaded her into the transport chair and pushed her all through the fair. She seemed to enjoy that quite a bit. Afterwards, I took her home, made her lunch and then told her I would be back for breakfast on Sunday.

As I walked down the hall to the elevator all I could think was "How will her memory loss begin to make a serious situation even more difficult for her and for me." Time will tell.

All fall down

I got a panicked call from Mom yesterday afternoon while I was at work. She had fallen and could not get up. I packed up my stuff and made it to her apartment in record time. I had called her apartment manager before I took off to let him know about the situation. I wasn't sure if she was alright, had broken something else, damaged the hip she just had surgery on....or what was going on. It occurred to me that I might have to have her hospitalized again.

Her manager met me at the front door and we both went up to her apartment. When I opened the door she was sitting with her back propped up against her red chair. She told us that she had scooted across the floor after she fell. It seems that she toppled over on her upholstered bench when she was trying to put on her socks. She had hit her head against the wall, knocked over a brass lamp and the digital tuner on the television. We lifted her up to her chair and began asking her questions about how she was feeling now. Her apartment manager left and I began assessing the situation more closely.

I made Mom some food because her eating habits have begun to deteriorate. Once I got some food and coffee in her I put in a load of laundry. I took out the recycling and the trash. I made sure she had something to eat for dinner.

I left after that and told her that I would call her later. The phone rang at my house around 8:30pm. It was Mom. She said she had fallen again. I went over and found her laying in bed with the sheets and blanket pulled up to her chin. She told me that she had fallen against a wall as she left the bathroom. She told me that her upper left shoulder blade area hurt from falling into the wall. I wrapped an ice bag in a kitchen towel and put it underneath her.

Again, I asked if she had eaten and the answer was "No". I made her a plate of cantaloupe, ham slices and macaroni salad. I actually ended up feeding her. She was so wiped out she couldn't manage it herself. She mostly ate the cantaloupe and ate a little bit of the other items. I got her to drink a little water and take a body and back aspirin.

I tucked her in bed, kissed her goodnight and left about 10:30pm after cleaning up the kitchen and folding her clothes and towels. I put together her breakfast before I left for home. It was a long day.

Tonight I went over and made her dinner and helped her with her checkbook and some bills. I told Mom that I am going to need to take over her finances. She is not capable of understanding any of that anymore. She made a mean and paranoid comment about "I guess I will have to trust you:" I told her that I would use all the money for her. She lamented the fact that there won't be any left for my brother and I. I acknowledged that was the case. I told her she could give us some of the money if she wanted to do that. I told her to think about it and that we would talk more later.

So...visiting Mom is now almost a daily occurance. She seems weaker, more confused, and generally unable to take care of herself. She is still adamant...she wants to remain in her apartment. I don't have the strength to fight her.

Breathe in, Breathe out

I found Mom fast asleep in her chair this morning when I arrived to make her breakfast, clean her apartment and do her grocery shopping. She had been up since 5:30am getting dressed and having something to eat. She sleeps a lot during the day now because she is up at least five times a night going to the bathroom. She is technically incontinent, but it still able to manage it with night time pants....or adult diapers.

It took me a while to rouse her, but she finally came to and we started our morning conversation. I fixed her a half of a grapefruit, bacon, made some fresh coffee and another piece of toast with jam. I made myself the other half of the grapefruit, a half of a slice of toast with jam, cream of wheat, a slice of bacon and a cup of coffee. We just sat eating in silence. Mom seemed to revive a bit after eating this second breakfast. Her blood sugar must have been on the low side.

We discussed what she would need at the store and decided on a few things, as I had done a big shopping trip last week. Before I left, I bleached her plastic toilet seat that allows her to sit down on the toilet without having to sit down too far. This is particularly necessary now with her hip repair. I did the vacuuming and the dishes and headed out for the grocery store.

When I got back from the store, Mom was sound asleep again. I put the groceries away and made her a light lunch: a fried chicken drumstick, a serving of macaroni salad a glass of water and a chocolate stripped shortbread cookie. She says her mouth is dry all the time. I try to get her to drink water whenever I can because I am sure Mom is dehydrated.

She talked again about how hard it was for her to breathe in the morning. She believes it is because of some kind of central heating system in the building. In truth every apartment has a discreet electric heating unit. I tried to explain to Mom how congestive heart failure affects the heart and lungs. She nods and then forgets what I have said. We repeat this conversation a lot these days.

As I watch Mom failing more and more each day, I feel a certain protectiveness and love for her that I have never really been able to sustain in my life. She no longer has the energy to fight with me, or criticize my life or choices. There is a softness about her now that I have never seen before. I wonder how much longer she will have to suffer like this...and wish that she can have a few more good days, or months before she dies.

Another new plateau

Mom is still struggling along these days. Some days are definitely better than others. She seems to sleep more and more all the time. I know this is a side effect of congestive heart failure...but knowing that doesn't make watching her slow decline any easier.

She is in a pretty depressed mood a lot of the time, or is incredibly anxious about something that keeps her awake all night. It is usually a bill she has received in the mail for her care while in the rehab facility. More and more she needs me to explain her bills, and her bank statement. She cannot seem to remember the things we did at the bank. No matter how many times I go over it with her, she cannot absorb the information.

She told me that she had gone "bananas" being in the rehab facility. I laughed and told her that in fact she had been a little "bananas" before she was a patient there. She laughed too.

Mom and I had a good talk the other night...but part of it was really hard. She told me that she knew I would be relieved when she died. Yes, part of me will be relieved of all the responsibility of looking after her, but the other part of me will really miss her. For all her foibles and idiosyncrasies, she is my Mom and I love her. Yes, she always does everything the hard way which invariably requires more time and energy on my part. Yes, there are many stories I could tell that would show her flaws and failings as a parent. But there are many other stories that show her concern for me, or her unflagging ability to love me.

I don't know where we are on the final leg of this journey, but I do know that I will be by her side until there is nothing else I can do for my Mom.