Sunday, March 23, 2008

I picked Mom up today to bring her to the house for Easter dinner. She was all dressed in her new black Easter hat, boiled wool raspberry jacket, black turtleneck and black pants...and her black Italian shoes. She looked fantastic.

Mom was feeling a little weak when I picked her up. We drove by her mother's grave at the cemetery to see the Easter lily I had placed there earlier this morning. She cried and said "'Poor Mom" but did not explain the meaning of her words. When we got to the house I brought her in through the basement so she could see all the progress Mark has made on the downstairs renovation.

Pamela helped me get Mom up the stairs and get her seated at the table We served dinner right away as she was hungry. Easter lunch was...chicken, mashed potatoes, gravy, coleslaw, homemade macaroni and cheese...and some delicious cheesecake. She began to have trouble swallowing her food immediately. She then proceeded to vomit 4 or 5 times ..each time we came running with a plastic bag. I cleaned her up and finally got her to the bathroom. It was hard to move her as she kept getting sick. I got her all washed up after she got sick in the bathroom and took her back to the table. She said that she was tired so I suggested she sit down in the big club chair and put her feet up for awhile and take a little nap. Pamela brought her a blanket and she drifted off for a little while.

When she woke up I told her that I was concerned and if this kept happening I would need to take her to the hospital. She would not hear of that and insisted on returning to the table for her cheesecake...which she again threw up. At this point, I got her cleaned up again and got her to drink a little water. I was thinking that her weakness was really related to dehydration. We brought out her Easter baskets and she enjoyed looking at all the treats we had selected for her.

We packed up some leftovers for her to take home along with her Easter treats and helped her into the car. She was ashamed and embarrassed by what had happened during dinner. I told her not to worry about it...but to think about taking smaller bites, drinking more water while she ate and just taking it all a little slower. When I got her home I put all the leftovers away. I put her Easter card and candies out for her to see. I hugged her and kissed her goodbye and told her I would call her by 6pm. When I called she was fully recovered. She said she had managed to have one of the hot cross buns I had bought for her along with a cup of coffee.

I am pretty exhausted from all of this. I wish she would have the procedure to stretch her esophagus...but she refuses. Mom's health seems to be more of an issue every day.

Saturday, March 16, 2008

Pamela and I went out and had Sunday lunch with Mom today. She did a pretty good job of getting the majority of the meal together. We finished up with a couple of things and then we served the meal. Mom had trouble eating the beef roast again...and had to leave the table a couple of times. I think her esophagus is still giving her trouble but she will not even consider having the procedure that was recommended a couple of months ago.

While I washed the dishes, Mom and Pamela looked at a gardening magazine and talked about the plans that we have for the backyard. We left after that because Mom appeared to be pretty fatigued and wanted to take a nap.

Her edema comes and goes and her breathing seems more labored after she does any physical activity. I need to get her to the doctor early in April for a cholesterol test and to have her checkup. She also needs to have her medicines renewed. Hopefully, she will go along with this willingly and not get upset again with the doctor.

Saturday, February 23, 2008

The last week and a half have been very rough with Mom. She has been verbally hurtful and very combative. She told me that Dad couldn't wait to get away from me...this on the day that both her homophobia and racism reared their ugly heads again. I got really mad and threw her washing card at her feet and stomped out. I didn't talk to her for a day and a half...until she called me sounding small and weak. I don't know what the heck is going on with her. I have tried to maintain some distance in the last week out of self protection. She hasn't been doing as well as a result.

I went over to make her dinner tonight and bring her a few things she needed. She seemed really upset and depressed when I got there, but also kind of detached. Being alone in that apartment hour after hour can't be good for her...but she won't consider another healthier living situation for seniors. I tried to get her to talk about her feelings but she refuses to talk in any real depth. She did tell me that she hasn't slept well in the past couple of nights because of waking up a lot to go to the bathroom. I got her settled on the couch and told her to take a nap while I prepared dinner. She dozed a little but didn't really sleep.

She liked dinner and ate everything. While I washed up I encouraged her to get her nightgown on and prepare herself for bed. By the time I had the dishes done and the kitchen cleaned up she was sitting on the side of the bed. I sat down next to her and put my arm around her..she folded into me and I talked for a few minutes about how it is hard to accept that Dad is gone. I told her he had a long and interesting life with his work and his family, but that his body had finally given out on him. I told her that he did not necessarily want to die. I left her by saying that I would call in the morning and check in on her.

It strikes me that Mom deteriorates a bit when I don't contact her and visit her on a regular schedule. I have to put something in place for next week as I am flying to San Francisco with a friend for a few days of relaxation. Pamela said she would help out. I need some time away from all the stress ..but she needs regular care too.

Tuesday, February 12, 2008

I feel as though I am going through a major test of my faith...my bearings are so different right now than they have ever been in my life that I have trouble even recognizing this as my life. So much has changed that I sometime flounder around looking for any familiar landmark. So...I make landmarks for myself...simple ones like walking the dogs...or going to this particular grove of evergreens at Lincoln Park that remind me of a cathedral. I guess I am learning to appreciate the "disassembled life" that is mine right now. I always put a lot of energy and time into my career whether I was a librarian or a organizational development coordinator. Now...I am neither and am having a tough time without that professional identity. Eventually things will all fall into place..but for now I just have to flounder around and make the best of it.

Mom is suddenly very concerned about her blood pressure and her diet. She informed me today that she needed to cut down on eating pastries....because of her diabetes. This is big news....as she has never let her diabetes stop her from eating anything. She also bought a wrist blood pressure cuff...and takes her blood pressure every day now. Her systolic pressure is higher than it has been for awhile...but overall I think she is doing pretty well.

Sunday, January 27, 2008

Dad would have been 88 today....I woke up and decided to wear his shoes today as a way of keeping him close all day. I always wear his wedding ring which always make me think of him. Dad and I have the same basic physique..same size hands and feet. The more I look at myself, the more I see my Dad in my face. Most people would say I look like my Mom, but I am beginning to look more like my Dad as I age...especially the dimples that are turning into deeper facial lines.

I really missed Dad all day today. I am glad that we celebrated his last birthday here at the house. He wanted Pamela to make his favorite baked chicken dinner. It was kind of a low key birthday as I recall, but I was so happy to have him here in Seattle spending time with us.

Since Mom has been having a tough time all week and is feeling really alone, Pamela and I decided to get her out of the apartment and take her to dinner. She insisted on treating us, but the main objective was to keep her occupied for a few hours and having a little fun. At one point in the meal she even smiled and talked to another gentleman in the restaurant who was about her age. Imagine that...my Mom kind of flirting ....

I called her this evening and she was back to being teary about Dad being gone. I think that this first year with all the markers....all the firsts is going to continue to be hard for all of us.

Friday, January 24, 2008

This has been an emotional week for Mom. Dad's birthday is on Sunday, January 27th and she has been pretty focused on that all week. She has cried several times and still doesn't understand why Dad never told her how sick he was near the end of his life. I have tried and tried and tried to explain to her that Dad wouldn't have wanted to worry her. What I don't tell her is that I think Dad knew something was wrong but may have been in denial about it himself.

I have been pretty focused on my job search but have managed to see Mom twice this week....Tuesday morning and Thursday evening. Pamela and I are going out to dinner with Mom on Sunday afternoon so that she can have something different to do, rather than be upset about Dad not being alive for his 88th birthday.

Tuesday, January 15, 2008

Went out to Mom's for breakfast this morning and then took her grocery shopping. I brought her some homemade muffins as she likes baked goods so much.

She seemed to do pretty well in the store...convinced her to try a few new items...steamed vegetables that can be done in a microwave and a new sub sandwich. She liked the ride to the store..even though there was snow and ice one the ground, the sun was shining and felt warm.

After I got us back to her apartment, I unloaded all the groceries..put everything away, went down to load money on her laundry card and put in a load of rugs to wash. Mark, my brother was expected for lunch, so I started making the spaghetti. Mom got kind of emotional while I was cooking...almost in tears as she told me how proud Dad would be of me.

Mark arrived on time, was his usual barely verbal self, and we all ate lunch together. Mom is just starved for news of his life and his family...so she asked him a bunch of questions about Josh, Danny and Lizzie. I asked a few questions myself at which point Mark got kind of miffed about all the questions. If he would just offer to be part of a conversation we wouldn't have to quiz him.

After he left, I cleaned up the kitchen, did the dishes and helped Mom retrieve a box to put all her Christmas decorations away in for the year. She got kind of emotional after Mark left....saying how much she hated it in Seattle..how she was going to go back to Arizona ...on and on and on. I finally told her that it was not possible for her to return to Arizona....that she was making a hard situation even harder for me. She said that she wasn't trying to make it harder....but that she was capable of being on her own. She then accused me of selling her car. I sold the car because we thought we would need the money to pay for Dad's care. I reminded her of this...and finally just told her that I thought she should spent some time relaxing and then put away her Christmas decorations.

After I left I just felt emotionally exhausted. I decided to go for a drive outside the city....just to get away for awhile. Tomorrow is a new day...I will check in with Mom in the morning.

God, grant me the patience, persistence and loving kindness to deal with this situation to the best of my ability.