I discovered today that Mom has a bar she shoves under her doorknob. I went out there today to take her some groceries and to have a quick meal. I have not been feeling that great...upper respiratory infection....and I originally told her that I wouldn't be able to come out today. Once I got up and showered I felt better...so after church I went to Mom's place. I tried opening the door with my key, but it would not budge. I called Mom and heard the phone ringing and ringing. She also had the TV on full blast. She had fallen asleep despite all the racket. I finally pounded on the door and she eventually heard me.
Once I got inside, I took a good look at her "safety bar'. It is a long rod that has a black rubber foot and a black top that fits under the knob. I tried telling her that it was not safe. How was I going to get in and help her if she needed me? The fire department will have to break down the door if she ever needs help or has had a heart attack and died in there. There are so many bad scenarios that run through my head. Of course, she doesn't want to really think rationally about anything I say to her on the topic.
Her main concern is for her own safety. She has never felt safe in the world and this is just the latest manifestation of her lifelong fear or people and situations that she does not truly understand. She regularly misinterprets daily events, news items on the television... etc. I can do almost nothing about all of this. So..the bottom line is that she feels safe with her new tool. I do not feel safe with her new tool....so we are at a stalemate. Now that Dad is not here to protect her in the world he created for her, she has to use other more extreme measures.
Sunday, February 22, 2009
Thursday, February 12, 2009
Cookies, cake, ice cream
Cookies, cake, ice cream....that is what Mom told her doctor today when asked what she was eating. Her doctor was trying to determine why Mom is still lossing weight. She has lost a total of 16 pounds since last June. I had to laugh at Mom's response...she does eat other things besides sweets...but the issue is that she is not really eating enough protein. I told the doctor that she does eat other foods, but she asked me to try and keep track of what Mom is eating.
She eats a little meat...but because of her esophagus issues, that is harder and harder. She won't eat yogurt, very little cheese, and a fair amount of eggs. I tried buying her protein shakes, but she resisted those as well. I think I'll try and buy her some cashews.
The up side of her appointment today is that her blood tests came back very good. She must have quite the constitution...because with her heart issues, esophagus problems and diabetes, she is still going pretty strong. Amazing..
She eats a little meat...but because of her esophagus issues, that is harder and harder. She won't eat yogurt, very little cheese, and a fair amount of eggs. I tried buying her protein shakes, but she resisted those as well. I think I'll try and buy her some cashews.
The up side of her appointment today is that her blood tests came back very good. She must have quite the constitution...because with her heart issues, esophagus problems and diabetes, she is still going pretty strong. Amazing..
Monday, January 26, 2009
Telling stories
I am out of town all week for work. Luckily, my cell phone works and I have been able to talk to Mom twice today. This morning she seemed fine until she starting talking about my Dad. She was crying and it broke my heart.
Tomorrow would have been his 89th birthday, so Mom is having a hard time. She told me that Dad used to tell her about the day he was born every year. He was born in a snowstorm on January 27, 1920 in Orting, Washington. She wasn't sure, but she thought the midwife had probably come to the house. My Dad's birth was a happy event especially during this huge snowstorm. His father had just come back from World War I, so it was a very happy moment for Dad's parents.
As Mom related the story it dawned on me that this was a continuation of a tradition she and I have celebrated for many years on my birthday. She tells me about the day I was born. I have to say, that I hung up the phone crying...missing Dad so much. I still have Mom and she is still telling me stories...and I am grateful for every one of them.
Tomorrow I will call Mom as soon as I get done with work. She wants my brother to bring over cake and ice cream for Dad's birthday. I have no idea if he will do that for her. I hope so...because that one simple act would make her day. I wish I could be there with her tomorrow...just to make it a little easier. I will do my best on the phone.
Saturday, January 17, 2009
Independence Day
I started my day by calling my brother and telling him of Mom's plan to have him drive her to Northgate. He said he wouldn't do it..so I drove to work fairly sure that Mom's plan would not be implemented today. A little after 2pm I noticed a voicemail on my cell ...from Mom...she sounded like she was talking to someone about not understanding how to leave a message. I couldn't call the number back so I quickly put it all together.
She had to be at the Northgate Mall. The only thing I could do was wait for her to call back. At 4pm, the phone rang. Mom had taken the bus to Northgate, but was tired from all the walking that she had done in the mall. She needed me to come get her. I left work a few minutes early and drove in rush hour traffic to the mall. I found her sitting on a bench by Penney's dressed to the hilt in her leather and mink jacket. She was totally exhausted and a little embarassed that her plan hadn't worked out.
I slowly walked her to the car and got her settled in the passenger seat. I went back into the food court and got her a hamburger and a milkshake...knowing that she had been without food or drink for 4 hours. She happily ate and drank all the way home.
Mom admitted that she couldn't take the bus by herself anymore. She admitted the same thing last year when she pulled this same stunt. One thing she said broke my heart. She justed wanted to be independent.....I can totally understand...but it is no longer possible.
She had to be at the Northgate Mall. The only thing I could do was wait for her to call back. At 4pm, the phone rang. Mom had taken the bus to Northgate, but was tired from all the walking that she had done in the mall. She needed me to come get her. I left work a few minutes early and drove in rush hour traffic to the mall. I found her sitting on a bench by Penney's dressed to the hilt in her leather and mink jacket. She was totally exhausted and a little embarassed that her plan hadn't worked out.
I slowly walked her to the car and got her settled in the passenger seat. I went back into the food court and got her a hamburger and a milkshake...knowing that she had been without food or drink for 4 hours. She happily ate and drank all the way home.
Mom admitted that she couldn't take the bus by herself anymore. She admitted the same thing last year when she pulled this same stunt. One thing she said broke my heart. She justed wanted to be independent.....I can totally understand...but it is no longer possible.
Winter White
Mom has been focused on purchasing a "winter white" coat for the last two years. On Thursday, I took her to the Northgate Mall so we could continue our search for the illusive coat. With Mom in the wheelchair we made our way from Nordstrom to Macy's, ending with Penney's. Mom was being her usual grande dame self..."show me that...what size is that...wheel me in there among the coats." I hate these shopping expeditions because she rapidly becomes a tyrant.
We didn't have much time, so I was trying to keep her focused and going from store to store. Of course, she felt that I was not showing her everything and proceeded to be pretty obnoxious...to the point of whining and yelling at me. I finally found one coat that she seemed to like...so I just bought it for her. Of course, that wasn't what she wanted....so I had to return it on the spot. At that point, I needed to get going for work and was totally fed up with her behavior, so I whisked her out of the mall, returned the wheelchair and drove her home.
On my way to work, I felt that I had already done a full day...emotionally exhausted and just fed up. Mom insisted that she was going to return to the mall on her own, so after work I drove to the downtown Macy's...found her another coat on sale and drove it back out to her. Of course, it wasn't the perfect coat...but she decided to keep it. I drove home thoroughly exhausted with the search for the perfect "Winter White" coat.
We didn't have much time, so I was trying to keep her focused and going from store to store. Of course, she felt that I was not showing her everything and proceeded to be pretty obnoxious...to the point of whining and yelling at me. I finally found one coat that she seemed to like...so I just bought it for her. Of course, that wasn't what she wanted....so I had to return it on the spot. At that point, I needed to get going for work and was totally fed up with her behavior, so I whisked her out of the mall, returned the wheelchair and drove her home.
On my way to work, I felt that I had already done a full day...emotionally exhausted and just fed up. Mom insisted that she was going to return to the mall on her own, so after work I drove to the downtown Macy's...found her another coat on sale and drove it back out to her. Of course, it wasn't the perfect coat...but she decided to keep it. I drove home thoroughly exhausted with the search for the perfect "Winter White" coat.
Wednesday, January 14, 2009
I am here
We never know how high we are
Till we are called to rise.....Emily Dickinson
"As we age, our parents become ours to protect and nurture as they once cared for us. As our roles reverse, as we find ourselves placed in the parental role of caretakers, many conflicting emotions may arise ranging from tenderness to anger and resentment. Despite our best intentions we may need to struggle for greater generoristy than we in fact feel. A burden seeming too great to bear can yet be born one day at a time. We have within us stores of patience and practicality, intuition and invention, all of which are called to play during difficult times. Not one of us is a saint, and yet we carry within our hearts the strength of ages. As we seek spiritual support and guidance, we find our actions tempered by humor and humilitiy. The heart expands to love those we love as they need now to be loved."
Transitions: Prayers and declarations for a changing life by Julia Cameron.
A friend who is also a caregiver sent me this. I opened the envelope and read this excerpt with a knowing heart and mind. It was like reading one of those maps in a mall...You are Here...with a big X on the spot. I am definitely here and have known all the emotions mentioned above.
Thankfully, I have been able to pull back some from my own stress and be more patient and loving with Mom recently. We have talked and laughed. I have prompted her to tell me stories of her life with Dad. We always cry at some point, but we laugh too. I leave these encounters with a little more confidence in my ability to take care of Mom in her final years. For that I am thankful.
Till we are called to rise.....Emily Dickinson
"As we age, our parents become ours to protect and nurture as they once cared for us. As our roles reverse, as we find ourselves placed in the parental role of caretakers, many conflicting emotions may arise ranging from tenderness to anger and resentment. Despite our best intentions we may need to struggle for greater generoristy than we in fact feel. A burden seeming too great to bear can yet be born one day at a time. We have within us stores of patience and practicality, intuition and invention, all of which are called to play during difficult times. Not one of us is a saint, and yet we carry within our hearts the strength of ages. As we seek spiritual support and guidance, we find our actions tempered by humor and humilitiy. The heart expands to love those we love as they need now to be loved."
Transitions: Prayers and declarations for a changing life by Julia Cameron.
A friend who is also a caregiver sent me this. I opened the envelope and read this excerpt with a knowing heart and mind. It was like reading one of those maps in a mall...You are Here...with a big X on the spot. I am definitely here and have known all the emotions mentioned above.
Thankfully, I have been able to pull back some from my own stress and be more patient and loving with Mom recently. We have talked and laughed. I have prompted her to tell me stories of her life with Dad. We always cry at some point, but we laugh too. I leave these encounters with a little more confidence in my ability to take care of Mom in her final years. For that I am thankful.
Wednesday, January 7, 2009
A bad day, a good day
Sunday afternoon is my usual time to go out to Mom's and make her dinner. That went pretty well this past Sunday until after dinner. I was trying to put together a recycle receptacle out of one of those cloth shopping bags. No..that would not work...she wanted to "save" that bag...it was too nice to use for recycling. I admit, I lost my patience with her quirky ways and yelled at her. There I was on the kitchen floor on my knees yelling at an 88 year old woman over a recycling bag...completely ridiculous.
It was at this moment in time that Mom shared with me that I would be responsible for her heart attack and death because I yelled at her. I just sat there on the floor and told her that if she died from a heart attack it would be because her heart didn't function properly and she was not in good health.
After I got home I told Pamela about my latest round with Mom and she simply looked at me and said "She is an adult..she makes choices about the way she behaves." Easily said...but not so easy to deal with in reality. She is by virtue of her age an adult...but I have noticed more and more a child like quality to Mom. She will ask me what to do, waiting for my instructions...or she will just get lost in her thoughts and forget what she is talking about....like she is searching for a word or a thought that has just gotten away from her.
Last night was another "dinner at Mom's" night and it went a lot better. I told her that I have been short tempered lately because I am having a pretty tough time at work. We had a good talk and she listened to what I had to say. She wishes that she could help in some way, but doesn't know what to do to help me. There is nothing that she can do but try and listen and understand the other pressures that I am under in my life. She wishes that she was not in Seattle..but there is no way she could be in Arizona without Dad. It is a tough situation for all of us. But at least last night went well for both of us.
It was at this moment in time that Mom shared with me that I would be responsible for her heart attack and death because I yelled at her. I just sat there on the floor and told her that if she died from a heart attack it would be because her heart didn't function properly and she was not in good health.
After I got home I told Pamela about my latest round with Mom and she simply looked at me and said "She is an adult..she makes choices about the way she behaves." Easily said...but not so easy to deal with in reality. She is by virtue of her age an adult...but I have noticed more and more a child like quality to Mom. She will ask me what to do, waiting for my instructions...or she will just get lost in her thoughts and forget what she is talking about....like she is searching for a word or a thought that has just gotten away from her.
Last night was another "dinner at Mom's" night and it went a lot better. I told her that I have been short tempered lately because I am having a pretty tough time at work. We had a good talk and she listened to what I had to say. She wishes that she could help in some way, but doesn't know what to do to help me. There is nothing that she can do but try and listen and understand the other pressures that I am under in my life. She wishes that she was not in Seattle..but there is no way she could be in Arizona without Dad. It is a tough situation for all of us. But at least last night went well for both of us.
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