All fall down

I got a panicked call from Mom yesterday afternoon while I was at work. She had fallen and could not get up. I packed up my stuff and made it to her apartment in record time. I had called her apartment manager before I took off to let him know about the situation. I wasn't sure if she was alright, had broken something else, damaged the hip she just had surgery on....or what was going on. It occurred to me that I might have to have her hospitalized again.

Her manager met me at the front door and we both went up to her apartment. When I opened the door she was sitting with her back propped up against her red chair. She told us that she had scooted across the floor after she fell. It seems that she toppled over on her upholstered bench when she was trying to put on her socks. She had hit her head against the wall, knocked over a brass lamp and the digital tuner on the television. We lifted her up to her chair and began asking her questions about how she was feeling now. Her apartment manager left and I began assessing the situation more closely.

I made Mom some food because her eating habits have begun to deteriorate. Once I got some food and coffee in her I put in a load of laundry. I took out the recycling and the trash. I made sure she had something to eat for dinner.

I left after that and told her that I would call her later. The phone rang at my house around 8:30pm. It was Mom. She said she had fallen again. I went over and found her laying in bed with the sheets and blanket pulled up to her chin. She told me that she had fallen against a wall as she left the bathroom. She told me that her upper left shoulder blade area hurt from falling into the wall. I wrapped an ice bag in a kitchen towel and put it underneath her.

Again, I asked if she had eaten and the answer was "No". I made her a plate of cantaloupe, ham slices and macaroni salad. I actually ended up feeding her. She was so wiped out she couldn't manage it herself. She mostly ate the cantaloupe and ate a little bit of the other items. I got her to drink a little water and take a body and back aspirin.

I tucked her in bed, kissed her goodnight and left about 10:30pm after cleaning up the kitchen and folding her clothes and towels. I put together her breakfast before I left for home. It was a long day.

Tonight I went over and made her dinner and helped her with her checkbook and some bills. I told Mom that I am going to need to take over her finances. She is not capable of understanding any of that anymore. She made a mean and paranoid comment about "I guess I will have to trust you:" I told her that I would use all the money for her. She lamented the fact that there won't be any left for my brother and I. I acknowledged that was the case. I told her she could give us some of the money if she wanted to do that. I told her to think about it and that we would talk more later.

So...visiting Mom is now almost a daily occurance. She seems weaker, more confused, and generally unable to take care of herself. She is still adamant...she wants to remain in her apartment. I don't have the strength to fight her.

Breathe in, Breathe out

I found Mom fast asleep in her chair this morning when I arrived to make her breakfast, clean her apartment and do her grocery shopping. She had been up since 5:30am getting dressed and having something to eat. She sleeps a lot during the day now because she is up at least five times a night going to the bathroom. She is technically incontinent, but it still able to manage it with night time pants....or adult diapers.

It took me a while to rouse her, but she finally came to and we started our morning conversation. I fixed her a half of a grapefruit, bacon, made some fresh coffee and another piece of toast with jam. I made myself the other half of the grapefruit, a half of a slice of toast with jam, cream of wheat, a slice of bacon and a cup of coffee. We just sat eating in silence. Mom seemed to revive a bit after eating this second breakfast. Her blood sugar must have been on the low side.

We discussed what she would need at the store and decided on a few things, as I had done a big shopping trip last week. Before I left, I bleached her plastic toilet seat that allows her to sit down on the toilet without having to sit down too far. This is particularly necessary now with her hip repair. I did the vacuuming and the dishes and headed out for the grocery store.

When I got back from the store, Mom was sound asleep again. I put the groceries away and made her a light lunch: a fried chicken drumstick, a serving of macaroni salad a glass of water and a chocolate stripped shortbread cookie. She says her mouth is dry all the time. I try to get her to drink water whenever I can because I am sure Mom is dehydrated.

She talked again about how hard it was for her to breathe in the morning. She believes it is because of some kind of central heating system in the building. In truth every apartment has a discreet electric heating unit. I tried to explain to Mom how congestive heart failure affects the heart and lungs. She nods and then forgets what I have said. We repeat this conversation a lot these days.

As I watch Mom failing more and more each day, I feel a certain protectiveness and love for her that I have never really been able to sustain in my life. She no longer has the energy to fight with me, or criticize my life or choices. There is a softness about her now that I have never seen before. I wonder how much longer she will have to suffer like this...and wish that she can have a few more good days, or months before she dies.

Another new plateau

Mom is still struggling along these days. Some days are definitely better than others. She seems to sleep more and more all the time. I know this is a side effect of congestive heart failure...but knowing that doesn't make watching her slow decline any easier.

She is in a pretty depressed mood a lot of the time, or is incredibly anxious about something that keeps her awake all night. It is usually a bill she has received in the mail for her care while in the rehab facility. More and more she needs me to explain her bills, and her bank statement. She cannot seem to remember the things we did at the bank. No matter how many times I go over it with her, she cannot absorb the information.

She told me that she had gone "bananas" being in the rehab facility. I laughed and told her that in fact she had been a little "bananas" before she was a patient there. She laughed too.

Mom and I had a good talk the other night...but part of it was really hard. She told me that she knew I would be relieved when she died. Yes, part of me will be relieved of all the responsibility of looking after her, but the other part of me will really miss her. For all her foibles and idiosyncrasies, she is my Mom and I love her. Yes, she always does everything the hard way which invariably requires more time and energy on my part. Yes, there are many stories I could tell that would show her flaws and failings as a parent. But there are many other stories that show her concern for me, or her unflagging ability to love me.

I don't know where we are on the final leg of this journey, but I do know that I will be by her side until there is nothing else I can do for my Mom.

Feeling safe

Mom has been in her apartment since she broke out of the nursing facility on May 5, 2011. She does not seem to be doing well...but manages to teeter through each day.

Yesterday I went over in the morning and made her a good breakfast: biscuits and gravy, a fried egg, some cantaloupe and coffee. She ate everything and really seemed to enjoy her meal. I don't think she does as well when I am not there to cook for her and serve her.

Today, I stopped by after work and found that Mom was already in bed asleep at 4:30pm. The sink was full of dishes and the garbage needed to be taken out. I took care of all the housekeeping chores and then tried to rouse Mom. She was pretty asleep, but eventually came to enough to have a little water, two aspirins, a cup of coffee and a cookie.

I told her that she wasn't looking that good. She seemed dehydrated and lethargic. I told her I was concerned and that we might need to go to the hospital. She was adamant...no hospitals, no doctors. It is hard to see her dying by inches, but that is what she seems to want to do. When I asked her about her resistance she simply said that she feels safe in her apartment. I guess it is my job to let her live out her life in exactly the manner of her choosing. It is not easy for me to see her story unfolding in this way but I am doing my best to help her get by until she either passes away or something happens like another fall that would send her back to the hospital.

A time of diminishing returns

I have spent the last week watching Mom fight a battle of diminishing returns. I am not sure how sustainable her current situation is ....as I know I cannot keep taking care of her as her needs begin to increase. I cannot handle her physically at this point.

Mom called this morning asking in a desperate voice if I could come make her breakfast. I was rushing to get ready for a doctor's appointment, but I dropped in on her for about 10 minutes on my way. She was laying on top of her sheets with eyes and mouth open. At first I thought she wasn't breathing...but she stirred a bit when I walked up to her.

She was dressed, but clothes were strewn about and the remainder of her dinner was on the side table by her chair. It appeared that her dinner had consisted of saltines, a piece of rye toast with butter and jam....and a bowl of potato chips. I cleaned up a bit, then got her some cream of wheat, more toast and coffee.

I went back with more groceries after my appointment. I tried to pick food items at the store that would be easy for her to eat and a little different...four kinds of salad, oranges, cantaloupe, broccoli in cheese sauce, baked beans, and shepard's pie. I made up three individual dinner plates for Mom to eat later.

Mark stopped by while I was rounding up the kitchen garbage; the mound of diapers in the bathroom wastebasket, and all the recycling. He brings her a milkshake almost every day, Monday through Friday. We talked for a bit....he spoke briefly to Mom and then left with all the bags of recycling and garbage. I was glad that he had done that small task, but felt resentful and tired thinking about all the other chores that I have taken on over the last four years of Mom's care. He thanks me for what I do, but never offers to take on more responsibility.

Mom wanted some lunch so I heated up a frozen meal of fish with pasta and vegetables. I did one complete load of laundry and started another one before I left. I helped her change her pants after lunch...she had dropped food in her lap and stained them. Of course, to find the pants she wanted to wear required me to open one of her locked trunks. Luckily I found the right key on her massive ring right away.

Mom thanked me for everything I am doing for her, held my hand, thanked me a million times over again, held my hand some more...it was just so desperate and sad.

I went back later in the afternoon, because I began to worry that she wouldn't be able to dry the blanket or get it back on the bed. When I walked in the blanket was on the floor in a heap by the bed and Mom was asleep. I picked up the blanket and began to put it over her when she woke up.

I asked her if she wanted some dinner and she said she could eat something small. I heated up one of the dinner plates I had made earlier in the afternoon for her. She ate two thirds of it and drank another cup of coffee. I sat with her while she ate and we talked for awhile about her situation. She wants to stay in the apartment because she can afford it. I told her that I was having a harder and harder time taking care of her. I told her that she shouldn't worry about the money....that I would start looking for a place where she could be safe. I told her again that I worried about her safety being alone in her apartment most of the time. She has been at high risk for falling and has fallen several times over the last four years. Now after her hip surgery, she is even more unstable

Mom said that she wants to die....that this cannot last much longer. She talked about her own Mother...how good and kind she was...a lot like me, she said. I teared up a bit and just sat there holding her hand.

Against medical advice

Mom left the rehab center tonight against medical advice. She signed some kind of release and made it out the door. The staff called me to come, but I refused to get caught up in her latest misbehavior. The police arrived and an officer called and tried to guilt trip me into coming down there with her keys. I told him that every medical person I have talked to in the last month, including her Dr. yesterday, told me that she was not ready to go home, would perhaps never be able to live alone again, and should in fact be in assisted living. The officer contended that this was not a police problem and that it in fact was my responsibility as her daughter. I ended the conversation after that jewel of a statement.

I tried calling the crisis clinic to get in contact with the Mental Health Professionals. I got a lot of sympathy and validation, but not much in the way of actual help. I was told that the MHP's, do work 24/7, but that they were not available for this kind of situation.

I had called her apartment manager to let him know that she may be showing up there. She did show up there and apparently told him that the staff at the facility had gotten cab fair together and sent her home. So much for any kind of reasonable discharge plan. It also appears that the staff didn't do any kind of competency testing before they let her walk out the door.

So...here we have a 91 year old woman who no one wants to deal with. She made it home..which has been her goal for a month. The bad news for her is that I cannot help her anymore since she alleged that I threw her down the stairs ...creating the broken hip situation.

I am totally emotionally exhausted with her, her health, her drama, her inability to do anything in a rational manner, and her complete and absolute narcissism. Tonight I am done with her. I have put my cell phone on silent and unplugged all the land lines.

The one good thing I did today was finalize her cremation and burial plans. I go to the bank tomorrow to get the money to pay it off. Perhaps one day she will finally rest in peace.

MHP

Today was the day that I spent some time talking to the MHP (Mental Health Professional) who had interviewed Mom this morning. He came away feeling that putting her in a psychiatric facility would not be the best for her. She admitted to him that I did not push her down any stairs.

She sort of understands that her remarks are going to keep her in the rehab facility until the doctors clear her. He suggested an adult group home, and I told him that would not work with her long standing paranoia and borderline personality traits. It is unclear to me now when I may be dealing with her personality quirks or some mild form of dementia. All I know is sometimes she is very nasty and combative.

I said that I was willing to work through the process with Adult Protective Services and help her get home if she is able to be there. That is kind of doubtful but at least we could have that be her motivating goal.

I talked with Mom tonight..she had been vomiting since breakfast. She sounded weak and really tired. She said she didn't want any dinner...so another day goes by with no food. I am beginning to wonder if something organic is wrong with Mom. It could be the congestive heart failure or it could be something else unrelated. I will see her tomorrow evening to see how she is doing..hopefully she will have eaten something and gotten some fluids in.