Sunday Sunday

Today was the usual Sunday routine...go to church and then head to Mom's for dinner. I knew going out there that I was exhausted....emotionally spent with her neediness and depression over my Dad's death. I just pointed the car north and drove out there hoping to make the best of it.

Dinner was good. I brought some fresh golden beets from our garden. Mom had prepared a beef roast. I baked a potato and made us salads. Dinner when pretty well...but I noticed that Mom didn't finish her meal. It is difficult for her to chew beef.

She insisted on buying it so my brother would have something to make sandwiches with when he stops by. Of course we bought the roast on Thursday morning and he informed her on Friday that he was going to be working on his house for the next week. He also told her not to call him there. Great..just great....now I am beginning to understand why she is upset. Despite the fact that she says he is mostly in a bad mood when he comes over and yells at her....she is upset that she won't see or talk to him for a week.

After dinner I cleaned up the kitchen and then took Mom to the pharmacy to get her drugs. She quizzed the pharmacist about her pneumonia vaccination. This happened last Thursday when we were in for her three month checkup. It turned out to be an ordeal because she didn't want it, wouldn't listen to the Doctor's reasons for giving it to her, demanded information about the cost despite the fact that Medicare will pay for it...on and on. I tried to reason with her but she told me point blank that I did not make her medical decisions. She finally gave in, but only after putting me, the Doctor, and the nurse through quite a bit of grief.

When I got her home, she and I went around about her constantly issuing directives....while I am cooking she tells me to do this or that in such a way that I just want to scream. I finally told her she needed to trust that I knew how to cook a meal and that it upset me that she was constantly ordering me about. This made her cry of course. I feel that she is vulnerable ...but I also feel that she is manipulative...and sometimes I just reach the end of my rope.

I called her later and apologized...explaining that I was just tired. She was ok with that and I rang off by telling her that I would call her when I got off work tomorrow. We are going out to dinner Tuesday night.

After I left, I called Pamela to debrief and then went over to a friend's and drank tea and had a few cookies. The life of a caregiver is exhausting. There are so many issues that come up....physical, emotional, cognitive....Mom is definitely more fragile and unsteady when she walks. She is still capable of packing a formidable emotional punch...and she can still be difficult to the point of absolute distraction.

Just breathe....Bonita. Tomorrow is another day....a new day....start again...repeat...Breathe...tomorrow is another day...a new day...start again.