Saturday night, May 19, 2007

Dad and I managed to get through his bone scan yesterday. I picked him up early and made it there in plenty of time. On the up side, the clinic had free parking for the 3+ hours we were there from the time of the dye injection to the bone scan. Dad did well when they did the injection. Once that was done, we went to a small waiting area. I got him settled on a sofa with pillows all around him...one for each arm and one to lean his head back on ...he dozed off and on for the next 2 and a half hours while we waited for the scan.

They wanted him to stay hydrated so I fed him half an organic bagel with cream cheese and got him to drink water several times. I sat and read the paper and occasionally checked in on him. Before we went into the test, I took him to the restroom. He and I have done this process once before this week. Since his hands are swollen and the last two fingers on either hand are numb, he can't dress or undress himself. He is not upset about me helping him...which makes it so much easier. I unbutton his pants then move behind him to lower his pants and underwear. This is something that just came to me the first time he needed help. It gives him his dignity and allows me to help in a discreet way. We have gotten very good at this technique. Once this was accomplished, I helped him into the exam room. I helped him step up on the step stool and then carefully helped lower him onto the table. I told him that he couldn't get away now..which made him smile. I told him I would be back to pick him up after the test.

I went to QFC to do some shopping for Mom and also to get something for the lunch I prepared for them on our return. After putting the groceries in the car, I checked back in with the technician. He had several views of Dad's skeleton on the computer screen. He said that he saw a hot spot on Dad's upper spine..but no metastatis. I know not to take this too seriously...as we still have the CT Scan and the two MRI's to get through next week. I thank him for help and then go help Dad off the table and into his coat. He is tired by this time and wants me to go get the car and pick him up in front of the clinic. As we drive home, he moans off and on...he is in a lot of pain....I think from laying on his back for almost 50 minutes.

I dropped him off at the entrance to their apartment building and go park in Visitor parking. I gathered up the groceries and go to the door...where he lets me in. We slowly made it up to the elevator and into their apartment. Dad wanted to sit in his chair with an icebag on his back while I prepared lunch. Mom wanted me to put some eyedrops in her eye. After getting both of them settled, I made lunch for all of us and got them to the table. Dad needed help eating...so I spooned food into his mouth and helped him drink water from a glass. This way of helping him seems so natural....neither one of us are embarassed or have even talked about it....he needs help and I am there to help him.

After lunch, I got him settled in his chair again and moved the icebag back into position on his upper back and neck. I hugged Mom, kissed Dad and told them that I would check in with them in the evening. By this time it is almost 2pm and I have to go to work.

Dad told me that he wasn't looking forward to the other tests. I said that we needed to just take it step by step and that it might be more helpful to be glad that we had finished with one of the tests..."one down, two to go" is the way I phrased it. He seemed to like that way of looking at the situation.

It is my job to keep them both thinking positively...whether by taking them meals, doing their shopping, cooking, doing laundry, dispensing medications..or whatever else comes up. I am happy to help them....I just want to do whatever I can to make this difficult time for them as manageable as I can...for their sake and for mine.

Friday, May 18, 2007

Dad is beginning to realize that he may have terminal cancer. He started to cry last night as I was leaving their apartment. He said that he wasn't afraid of dying...but I think he is dreading the battery of medical tests that we begin this morning with the bone scan. He said that I was a good person...that we had been through so many things together over the years. Of course, that made me cry....but I did my best to pull it together. I reassured him that I would be with him every step of the way. I also reminded him that we really don't have enough information right now to make any decisions. After all the tests are done next Wednesday, we have to wait until May 29th to see the oncologist again. I told him once we know more, we can start to make some decisions.

He says that I am so good to him....well it is mutual. He has always been my best and strongest advocate. He has always been a positive and reassuring presence in my life. He is the model of what I have become as a person. I am so happy to be able to turn around and give back to him what he has so willingly given to me all my life...

On his suggestion...I am reading Matthew 5-7....the Sermon on the Mount. He says that to understand Christ...it is best to read these chapters for his own words.

Need to get ready to go pick Dad up. It is going to be a long and exhausting morning for him....they inject the dye at 9am and then we have to wait until noon for the scan.