December 2013 - Forest Lawn Cemetery, Seattle

It has been cold this past week.  The wreath on Mom and Dad's grave has frost on it .  It has been hard the last few weeks.  I have been missing them a lot.  I had a dream about them this morning.  We were going to have lunch together.  Then I woke up and laid there is the dark realizing that it had just been a dream.  At least I got to see them for awhile in my dream.  Maybe their spirits know that I have been missing them and not doing too well recently.  It was nice of them to visit.

Almost one year later

Mom and Dad are much on my mind these days.  We are approaching the one year anniversary of Mom's death on October 3.  I am approaching my 59th birthday on Oct 2nd.  My birthdays were always a special time with Mom and Dad.  There were always cards and gifts.  When I was a kid I got to select the menu for my birthday dinner.  Most of all, I always felt special on my birthday.

I remember that Mom was upset that she had not gotten me a card last year.  I went out and bought one that she could sign and give to me.  She held onto life through my birthday and finally let go the next day.  Her death and my birth will always be linked in my mind now.

I was born on a day much like today...warm, sunny...a beautiful autumn day.  Mom used to tell me the story of my birth every year.  Now I pay it forward with our daughter Haven.  I tell her the story of her birth.  Paying it forward....that is how I hang onto to life these days.  I have to say that I am struggling with sadness, a loneliness like I have never experienced before.  Mom and Dad had such a big presence in my life..now they are both gone.  I am struggling with the loss of them every single day.

This is the day...

"This is the day that the Lord has made...this is the day"

This is also the 6th anniversary of Dad's death and he and Mom are much on my mind.  I miss them both...but most especially Dad.  He was such a calm and motivating presence in my life.  No one has yet emerged who can take his place.

The way I try and pay it forward is by being calm and positive with my daughter Haven.  She is three now and a bunch of contradictions...sweet one moment, putting her finger up her nose and licking it the next.  She can be challenging at bedtime because it appears that she is a night owl.  By that I mean we can't get her to sleep sometimes before midnight.  So...when faced with this situation, I channel Dad.  Breathe, be calm, set boundaries...breathe some more.

I can remember so many times in my life when Dad acted as mediator between me and Mom.  So many times where he appreciated what I was doing in school...from kindergarten through both rounds of graduate school.  How supportive he was when we had In Bloom Home and Garden.  He just always had something positive to say despite the challenges, despite the problems with Mom's state of mind....despite everything.  He was a glass overflowing kind of guy.

I wish I could spend even one hour talking with him....to hear his voice...to soak up his wisdom  Now I think of him and stand at his grave talking to him...but that does not make me sad.  It gives me a tangible place to spend time with him and with Mom.

A life coach I was seeing during the time right around Dad's death wrote this in a card to me:
"I'm so sorry to hear of the loss of your father.  And so grateful for the love and devotion
he poured into you throughout your life.  He leaves a wise and good woman as a legacy."

My job now is to continue to live up to that legacy and pass it onto Haven every day.  I wish Dad had met Haven...he would have loved her so.  Sometimes when I talk to her I feel his voice coming through me.  I guess that is the way it works in life.

Memorial Day 2013

Memorial Day 2013.  I made a trip over to the cemetery yesterday with a couple of American flags I had purchased at the store.  The cemetery staff were  putting out the last white crosses and flags.  I spoke to one of them and asked if my parents could have a cross since both are veterans.  The gentleman apologized and said the Boy Scouts just put out crosses and flags on graves where the headstone has the emblem for the branch of the service that the deceased was in during their lifetime.  He gladly put a white cross up at Mom and Dad's grave and wrote down their names so they will receive the cross and flag in future years.

Mom was in the Women's Auxiliary Army Corp for six months.  She served as a telephone operator in Utah.  Dad was Storekeeper Third Class, typing up orders for others to ship out from a desk in San Diego.  Neither of them saw "action" in World War II, but both served their country with the skills and abilities they possessed.

So, Mom, Dad....I salute you both on this Memorial Day.  I am proud of the ways in which you both served your country.

March 1, 2013

                                                                  

Today would have been Mom's 93rd birthday.  Near the end of her life she told me that she hoped she wouldn't make it to 93.  She got her wish, but oh, how I wish she were here today to celebrate.  I put some pink gerbera daisies and some pink roses on Mom and Dad's grave last night after work.  I went back today after work just to stand there and reflect for a few moments.  I miss both of them tremendously...every day.

When I arrived home I found Mom's final bill from the nursing home in the mail...over $1100.  I have not done her taxes yet, but that is next on the list.  Once that is taken care of I will close her bank account and split the last of the funds with my brother.

 So...I volley between the sacred and the profane.Standing at their grave feels sacred to me.  I guess dealing with the final details of Mom's life can be sacred too.

Happy Birthday, Mom.  I love you and I miss you.

                                                     Mom's last birthday, March 1, 2012

                                                      
                                                      A good day a few years ago

                                         

A different kind of New Year

I have very little energy for any sort of New Year celebration.  I hope that this year is going to be a good one...one filled with promise, fun and new adventures.

I am also mindful that this is the first year that both Mom and Dad will be gone.  I visited the grave on New Year's Eve.  I talked to them and told them how much I miss them.  There is a hole that no one else but my parents can fill.  I know over time it will get easier, but right now that is hard to imagine.  I have been sorting through photos on my phone and came up with several of Mom that tell the story of her final years...years of struggle and illness...years alone without my Dad.

Mom fast asleep in her chair

Mom watching out her window

Mom in her new outfit

Mom's last visit with Santa - Dec. 2011