Falling

Mom has had a series of falls over the last couple of years. I found out on Thursday that she had fallen over a chair in her apartment and landed on the floor. She had gotten up in the night to go to the bathroom and somehow tripped on her slipper, fell against the arm of the chair by her bed and ended up on the floor. This happened at 3:00am. She thought about calling me, but didn't want to wake me up in the middle of the night.

I asked her if she was ok, or if she felt she needed an X-Ray. Of course, she said she was sore but did not think anything else was wrong. She was adamant about not going to the doctor and insisted that she did not need an X-Ray. I told her I would be over after work. She needed to go to the bank and I needed to see for myself how she was moving around.

She was tired and weak when I got there so it was a good thing I had brought the wheelchair. That made going to the bank a lot easier. She seemed so frail to me and she did admit that she was sore. Her determination is pretty impressive despite this latest episode.

We are taking her to lunch on Sunday and then to the mall for some Christmas shopping. I know this will cheer her up.

Thanksgiving redux

Plans have changed for Thanksgiving. We are going to dinner at McCormick and Schmick's on Lake Union. This was Mom's original plan. I decided it would be easier for Pamela and I if we just went ahead with her plan. Pamela is exhausted with work, I am exhausted with Mom, so let someone else do the cooking. Mom just loves to sit in the big dining room and watch the other diners. This will also make it easier on Mom. She was dreading us helping her up the stairs to the house. At the restaurant, we can just roll her from the parking lot into the restaurant.

Hair stylist

Mom has now decided that I am her hair stylist. She informed me that I would be cutting her hair after dinner yesterday afternoon. I have to say, this is one task that I really dread. Mom used to be a hair stylist, so you can imagine that her standards are much higher than my abilities in this area. I managed to get it done, but I cut it too short around her face. I just did the best I could and thankfully, she didn't complain too much. I believe this is all part of her cost cutting measures. She is concerned that she will run out of money at some point.

After lunch and beauty parlor time, she started in on me again about lugging a hug 1980's floor lamp out of her apartment. Her plan was that I would bring back a side table and lamp from my house to put in it's place. I had given the lamp away because my garage is already full of her other furniture. I also have no desire to lug anymore furniture back and forth. The move last July did me in on that score. I told her in no uncertain terms that I was not going to move anything out or into her apartment. She is so crowded in there now with all this furniture, that it just doesn't make any sense to me to bring in anything else. It kind of feels like she is barricading herself with furniture. I just got up and left.

A few hours later, I checked the messages at home and found a call from Mom. I called her back and she was sobbing about the TV not working. I went over there and found her sitting in her chair totally confused about how to work the TV. Granted, she has two remotes, but she is always doing this lately. She messes with one and then that disables the second one from working. I set it back up and set it on the channel she likes for the news.

The most disturbing part of this whole interaction was when she said that she didn't understand anything anymore. I think we may be dealing with some dementia now. A couple of times when I have called her, her words sound slurred. I think she may be having mini strokes or TIA's.

From the American Heart Association Website:
http://www.americanheart.org

What is a TIA or transient ischemic attack?

A TIA is a "warning stroke" or "mini-stroke" that produces stroke-like symptoms but no lasting damage. Recognizing and treating TIAs can reduce your risk of a major stroke.

Most strokes aren't preceded by TIAs. However, of the people who've had one or more TIAs, more than a third will later have a stroke. In fact, a person who's had one or more TIAs is more likely to have a stroke than someone of the same age and sex who hasn't.

TIAs are important in predicting if a stroke will occur rather than when one will happen. They can occur days, weeks or even months before a major stroke. In about half the cases, the stroke occurs within one year of the TIA.

What causes a transient ischemic attack?

TIAs occur when a blood clot temporarily clogs an artery, and part of the brain doesn't get the blood it needs. The symptoms occur rapidly and last a relatively short time. Most TIAs last less than five minutes. The average is about a minute. Unlike stroke, when a TIA is over, there's no injury to the brain.

What are the symptoms of a TIA?

It's very important to recognize the warning signs of a TIA or stroke. The usual TIA symptoms are the same as those of stroke, only temporary:

* Sudden numbness or weakness of the face, arm or leg, especially on one side of the body
* Sudden confusion, trouble speaking or understanding
* Sudden trouble seeing in one or both eyes
* Sudden trouble walking, dizziness, loss of balance or coordination
* Sudden, severe headache with no known cause

The short duration of these symptoms and lack of permanent brain injury is the main difference between TIA and stroke.

Unfortunately, Mom will not go to see a doctor. She doesn't want to spend the money. Her prescriptions run out soon, so I'll just have to wait and see if that spurs her to find a new doctor in West Seattle.

Here we are

Close to the holidays again. Mom seems frail...somewhat forgetful. I try to do my best, but she continues to be a challenge.

I just got back from taking her some homemade chili for her dinner. Also dropped off some homemade buttermilk pancakes. The only meal she really cooks is breakfast. Otherwise, it is microwaving a dinner or boiling a hot dog. I try and take her out to eat at least once a week.

Friday night we did dinner out and shopping. I think that is more than she can handle now. By the time we got home she was whimpering and not making much sense.


It is hard to believe that she has lived more than 2 years past Dad's death. She can't believe it either, but she also fears death.

I think she is coming to our house for Thanksgiving dinner. She was resistant at first because there was a possibility that some friends would be here as well. That didn't come together. In the meantime, she asked my brother if she could come to his house and got a resounding NO. She was upset by that, but has rebounded enough to now decide to have dinner with us. She stirs up drama like this every year.

The other news is that we are taking a break...going to New York City for 5 days in early December. My job ends Nov. 19. I am going to have reconstructive foot surgery in January. I'll be on crutches for 4-6 weeks. We will have to come up with some alternatives for taking care of Mom.

Hiney Niney

Hiney Niney...that is what Mom calls the H1N1 virus. It has a ring to it. I think Mom was confused by what was being said about the virus on TV....but I like the name she came up with for it.

Last Sunday Mom wasn't even out of bed when I went over to take her to lunch. The apartment was dark when I walked in after noon. I walked over to the bed and thought Mom looked dead. She was sprawled across the bed and not moving. I approached her and touched her just a little. She turned over and looked white as a sheet. Her face was puffy. She wasn't feeling well..probably a cold, maybe the seasonal flu.

I got her to sit up and have something to eat. I went to the store and got all her groceries. When I got back, I got her to eat some tropical fruit mix, a few crackers, a cup of coffee and some water. I got her all settled back into her chair before I took her garbage down to the compactor.

She was so weak for a couple of days. She seems to be doing a little better now. She wants to go to the bank tomorrow.

This experience really scared me. More practice....I am getting so practiced.

What would I do without you?

That is what my Mom says now almost every time I see her. She is usually on the edge of tears when she says it. It is always heart wrenching to hear this phrase. I know she feels so vulnerable and lost. I know she is struggling to keep track of little things...big things...things in general.

Mom is bruising now...just like Dad did near the end of his life. She says that she bumps into things around the apartment...or that she does it when she opens the door. She is definitely getting frailer and frailer.

I feel like I had a ring side seat is some kind of awful Kabuki theater....watching the decline of my Mom. Half the time I want to just sit down and cry myself...but when I am with her I try to remain calm and just ask her to tell me what is going on. She struggles to get the right words to describe her situation. The longer I wait the easier it becomes for her. She just needs me to be patient.

At the same time, when I have suggested that I am worried about her long term ability to continue living alone, she roars to life and tells me in no uncertain terms that she WILL NOT MOVE INTO ONE OF THOSE PLACES. Ok, I get it...so I distract her with another line of conversation.

This is no easy task....but I am learning so much about compassion, patience and empathy.

Sunday routine

I am up early...drinking tea, eating cereal with some of the last fresh raspberries of the season. One of life's joys....quiet time in the morning having a great breakfast.

Today, I will go to take Mom to lunch and do some shopping. I am worried that Mom's ability to cook for herself is diminishing. She often "forgets" to eat dinner.

She spent yesterday watching TV...Ted Kennedy's funeral, the U.S. Open, the news. The television has become her daily contact with the world. She oftens mishears things and misinterprets information. Often when I leave, to make it easier, I put the TV on and she becomes totally engrossed in it as I lock the door.

Mom definitely has some kind of dementia going on. When we meet her new doctor at the end of September, I hope she can do some cognitive testings. Not that it will change anything...I just need to know what I am dealing with when I am with Mom.

Drape drama

Mom and I have been working on a drape project for over a week. I took her shopping for drapes last Saturday....that was 5 long hours of going in one store after another looking at drapes. Her world view of drapes is that they are lined, have little metal hooks and a drawstring. Custom made drapes are not in her budget so we have settled on a less expensive alternative.

I found some drapes and valances on sale at Sears. After several trips back and forth, we finally have all of the necessary pieces of hardware and software. I hung one set last night in 86 degree heat. Drilling a few holes and hanging a drape with valances should be easy...but it really isn't. After an hour and a half of drilling and figuring, I had the first set up.

Mom was actually pretty good during this process...sitting in the chair watching without too much back seat driving behavior. She could see that I was tired and sweating like a pig. She really liked the look of the window after I got everything installed and the drapes hung. This weekend I will do the second window.

I have to say that I was dreading this chore. Mom tends to "supervise" in a way that drives me wild. I was glad that she held back this time and let me just do the job on my own.

Their anniversary

I took Mom and Pamela out to dinner tonight at Anthony's on the waterfront downtown. Mom has been struggling this week with the fact that today was the day that she and Dad got married in 1947. When she mentioned that their anniversary was this week I asked her what she was going to do on the 8th of August. She said she was going to cry all day. Well..that didn't seem like a great way to spend the day, so I suggested we all go out and have a nice meal.

She had a great time...watching all the people out the window and in the restaurant. Mom ate a good meal of Willipa Bay deep fried oysters and fresh peach crumble that we all shared for dessert. As usual, she was dressed to the hilt and looked pretty good. She isn't able to walk much now, so we brought the transport chair to get her in and out of the restaurant and back up to her apartment.

She has lost more weight. I think part of it is poor eating habits and part of it is that it is hard for her to prepare food for herself. I asked her what she had for lunch today and she said "two cookies". I wish I could convince her to go into assisted living, but that is never going to happen.

Pamela and I put a vinyl cover on her mattress when we got her home. She goes to the bathroom at least 3 or 4 times a night now, wears adult diapers, and still worries that she is going to wet the bed. Now she has the vinyl mattress cover, so hopefully she will stop being so worried during the night.

When we left, Mom thanked both of us for a nice evening and said that I had been a good kid all my life. I often don't feel like a good kid with her. I feel angry and overwhelmed and that I am struggling to hang onto some shred of empathy for my Mom and her situation.

I am starting to think Mom has some form of dementia..she told the same story three times tonight. Her short term memory seems a little shaky.

I am doing the best I can.

The circle of life

I picked up Mom early and took her to breakfast at McDonald's. Next we headed out to her old apartment. She sat and read her mail in her wheelchair while I did all the final cleaning. Got the ok from the Apt. Manager and then took off for IKEA.

I must have been out of my mind. IKEA on a Saturday? Mom was looking for a cabinet for her towels and a small table and chairs for her dining area. We didn't really find anything that she liked, but we did have a nice lunch there.

She wanted to go to WalMart next...an even worse idea on a Saturday. I pushed her around in her wheelchair while we picked up a few items..a dish pan, laundry soap, bleach and fabric softener. I finally convinced her to buy a 5 drawer plastic shelf unit. So there we were....me pushing her while she holds stuff on her lap and I am carrying the unit over my shoulder. Did I mention that there were no motorized shopping carts anywhere...probably all in use. After we paid, I parked Mom with everything and made three trips to the car....twice for her purchases and once for her.

We stopped at Safeway. Mom stayed in the car and I raced around the store picking up her requests and adding a few that I thought she really did need. More and more Mom forgets things...like what she needs, what something is called, the name of the store she wants to go to. So...I have learned to fill in the blanks.

Finally got her home....again several trips to get her, all the cleaning supplies, the vacuum, her groceries and the storage unit up to her apartment. I put everything away and then tried to hang a few pictures. Of course, Mom was being totally dictatorial during this activity...so I hung 2 mirrors and 2 pictures and just took off.

Mom appreciates all that I do, but I find being with her for 8 hours exhausting. She has this high pitched whiny voice that just drives me up the wall. She is so focused on herself that I get exasperated with her sometimes.

She told me today that she had done something bad. Not knowing what to expect, I asked her what she had done. Apparently, she had told Dad near the end of his life that the only reason she had remarried him in 1986 was for his Social Security benefits. This happened before they knew he had pancreatic cancer. She felt bad about what she had done and had no idea why she had said something so mean to Dad. She insisted that she loved Dad and that he loved her. I have no idea what they felt for each other. No wonder he called her a bitch during one of our last conversations five days before he died.

So...the circle of life...their lives, my life, the things we say and do to each other...all wrapped up in one big ball of contradictions.

Movin on down the road

So...I and a group of loyal and helpful friends managed to move Mom to her new apartment in West Seattle today. As expected she was a bit of a handful when we got to her apartment. She wanted to stage manage the entire move. Pamela and I had already come up with a strategy to head her off at the pass. Pamela took Mom to breakfast and then to the house to sit out the transition.

Of course the first bad thing that happened was breaking the tail lights off the truck next to the parking place for the truck. The guy came down, we exchanged numbers and moved on. He was really cool about it. Note to self...one more thing to deal with.

Dan and I got moving on the boxes while we waited for Brad to arrive. Dan and I got stuff in his car and the truck. Once Brad got there, the big and heavy furniture went into the truck. We were all sweating like pigs..but at least it wasn't raining. After about a hour and half we all headed off for West Seattle caravan style.

I knew there was a Seafair parade happening...but thought we would be able to get through the police barricade as Mom's place is at the far end of the parade. No way..the police turned us back...necessitating a 3 point turn in a Uhaul truck. We took side streets...with cars on both sides and other drivers trying to navigate around the parade. It was stressful ...but we all finally got to the back of the building by the garage door entrance. The whole atmosphere felt a little Fellini to me...drill teams in skin tight dresses with spangles and wild hats...fancy cars with fancy Seafair princesses, floats...

Unloading boxes, furniture, TV...dressers...all the detritus of a person's life. Luckily, Anne and Jay showed up at this point, so we had five pairs of hands loading the stuff into the service elevator. I fell over a parking curb twice...gray on gray garage cement....landed on my hands and face....ready just to lay there and cry. I swear...this is the last time I move Mom. She has moved three times in three years...and I have just reached my limit.

While we were moving I kept getting update calls from Pamela. Mom was being a full tilt bitch. Saying that I have been so mean to her. Hitting our dog Macy with her cane because Macy licked her leg. Telling Pamela that we should get rid of all our junky furniture and use the nice things she has given us. All the while I am trying to manage the move.

We dropped off all the stuff we couldn't get into the new smaller apartment back at the house. We headed back to apartment to pick up the Uhaul dolly we forgot when we left. All the while Jay and Anne are putting the bed frame and the new mattress and low profile boxspring together.

Once I got to Uhaul I had to turn around and go back to fill up the tank at the gas station. Finally got the truck dropped off and the right bill...after the guy incorrectly charged me for a extra day.

Dan dropped me back at the apartment. Jay and Anne left and I headed up the street to the hardware store to make two more apartment keys. One for me and one for my brother.

Finally called Pamela and told her to bring Mom over. She got some lunch for all of us on the way. We all ate and then we moved stuff around and unpacked enough boxes so that Mom could walk around. Pamela made her bed and then we took most of the boxes to the basement for recycling.

We started at 7:00a.m. this morning and finally got home after 5pm. My hands and right big toe are scrapped and bruised. I am totally exhausted.

The good news is...the move is over...and I have a wonderful partner and wonderful friends who all played a part in making this event successful.

Tomorrow I go back and take Mom to the store. I will have to go back to her old apartment sometime this week to clean it up and turn in the keys.

All day, I really missed Dad.

The train is leaving the station

I have taken a month off from blogging...exhausted by all the things I have been doing to change her situation. For myself...I am exhausted with driving to the other end of the city. We have been talking every day, twice a day...in the morning as I wait for my bus for work..and at night as I stand downtown waiting for my bus.

In the meantime I finally found a studio apartment in West Seattle that had a washer and dryer in the unit...one of her main requests. I did an advance visit and then took her there later in the day. The thing I like about the apartment is that you can see Puget Sound when you open the door of her place. There is a bank of windows that looks directly onto the water. For me, that has always been a soothing experience. I have no idea if she will appreciate it. She tends to barricade herself....but I wanted it to give her small view.

She has been packing for the last two weeks. There are boxes all over her apartment. She doesn't move until July 18th, but it gives her something to do. I have hauled things out and stored a chair in the basement.

My brother was supposed to help with the move, but now had something more important to do that day. I am trying to round up a group of male friends to help.

I am exhausted just thinking about the next two weeks. Mom wants Mark to take her living room furniture. He doesn't want it at all. He is basically worthless as far as I am concerned.

Again, I am managing everything...doing most of everything that needs to be done. I know what Dad felt like now with all their moving over the years. I find it hard to believe that they were able to manage a move up here in 2006 when Dad no doubt had cancer. He must have really wanted to get here so that I could help him.

Yesterday was one of the worst days I have had with Mom in awhile. The entire week had been building to her finally signing an agreement to move into a retirement home about 10 minutes from the house. I spent all of last Monday taking her to lunch at the facility, and touring her through every unit available in her price range. She went back and forth all week after being initially positive about the move. I went out and had dinner with her Thursday night and talked with her until she again agreed to the move.

Saturday morning I went out to her apartment and picked her up. We went back to our house where Pamela had a beautiful breakfast ready. After breakfast we both took her to the facility. Pamela and I were ready to measure her room and start figuring out the position of her furniture. As soon as we started rolling her down the hall she started being really agitated and upset. She kept saying that her room was too far from everything...that she wouldn't be able to make it to the dining room. Once we got her to the room she just kept babbling about how she couldn't do it. I quickly realized that she had no intention of actually moving. The woman at the facility told us that Mom's behavior was a form of dementia and that I would need to take control. Well...taking conrol with my Mom has never been possible, especially now. So we gave up and left the facility.

When we got Mom back to the car she told Pamela that she just wanted to die. I was so angry at her at this point, that I couldn't even look at her. She apologized all day. I took her to the Mall to get her watch fixed....but then she wanted to look for a white jacket to match her new skirt. As I pushed her around the Mall I just sank deeper and deeper into despair over the whole situation. I cannot take this anymore.

I am totally exhausted and emotionally spent. Mom has been a difficult person my entire life. Now that she is elderly she is even more difficult to deal with. Not only is she difficult, manipulative and needy, but she is also anxious all the time. Dad is not here to help out and he actually had the most up close experience in dealing with her. I am just totally depressed at this moment.

Mom in May

I drove over after church today to make Mom some dinner. When I arrived I took a picture of her in the red chair. This is usually how I find her..sometimes awake, sometimes asleep.

I asked her if I could take a couple of pictures ....she protested at first, but then gave in. I can see how much she has changed in the last two years.



Mom seemed different today. She said she was so tired...so blue. After dinner and cleaning up the dishes, I insisted that we go for a drive and get some ice cream cones. She got her favorite Black Walnut ice cream. We drove around a bit, mostly just in the North End of Seattle. Mom always comments on how many new buildings there are in Seattle now.

I finally drove Mom home and helped her get into her apartment. She really seems to need a lot more help with walking. After I got her settled, I asked her how much water she had had today...only about a glass and a half. I asked her to drink more before she goes to bed.

Tomorrow I take her to her doctor for a checkup. I told her I would bring the wheelchair. She can choose whether or not she wants to use it.

She told me all the things she usually tells me as I leave...she loves me, she appreciates all that I am doing for her...and I walk out the door after hugging and kissing her goodbye.

Mother's Day

Today is my Mom's 57th Mother's Day. To celebrate, I took her to lunch at her favorite restaurant.

She was all dressed and ready to go when I arrived. First, I showed her the pot of flowers that Pamela had put together. She loved it...I had selected two pink geraniums, some beautiful pink and green stripped coleus, and a bright green potato vine. I placed it on her table outside on her patio...so she can see it and easily water it and tend to the plants.

We made our way downstairs, me with a bag of garbage and holding on to Mom's arm. She is unsteady on her feet now, so it is important to hold her. We went through our usual routine: she hands me her cane, I put it between the front seats. She moves slowly into the seat and I help her get her legs and feet into the car. I buckled her in and shut the door. Off we went after stopping at the dumpster to leave her bag of garbage.

Luckily, when we got to the restaurant, there was a free handicapped parking spot right by the door. I helped Mom get on of the car and made sure she was steady on her feet before closing the door. As we made our way into the restaurant, several men opened the doors for us. I kept my hands on Mom as I helped her up the stairs. I got her seated on a bench and then put our names in. The place was packed for Mother's Day, so we had to wait about a half hour...since we wanted lunch not dinner. They made everyone wait to be seated for lunch.

I asked Mom if she wanted me to go get her anything, since she kept saying that she was really hungry. She wanted a milkshake, so I went to another restaurant on the wharf and got one of the best chocolate shakes I have ever tasted to date! Mom sat drinking her shake and watching all the people passing by. She loves to watch people.

Eventually, they came to seat us and we made our way slowly through the restaurant to a booth that was build up off the floor. I helped Mom up, and helped her get comfortable by straightening her skirt underneath her. The waiter brought drinks and the focaccia bread right away...which is what Mom always remembers about this restaurant. She ate several pieces and looked at the menu. I decided on a Shrimp Louie, but Mom seemed a little overwhelmed by the menu. I sat next to her and offered a couple of ideas. She finally just told me to order for her. Given her problems with swallowing food, I went with something easy ...shrimp fettuccine.

Mom ate like she was starving. Despite the fact that her portion was huge, she managed to eat two thirds of her dish. I told her we could have them box the rest for her, but she wasn't interested in taking it home. She did however jump at the chance to take home some of the bread.

After I paid the bill, we started to make our way slowly through the restaurant. Again, people opened doors for us as we exited. I got Mom into the car and then we went for a little drive. We stopped along the way to pick up a few things that Mom needed at the grocery store.

As we were headed home, Mom told me that she is really weak...at lunch she mentioned that she sleeps about 12 hours a day plus takes naps. When we finally got home, I could tell that she was completely wiped out. She said she was going to take a nap, so I suggested that I help her undress and change. I got her into her house wrap and some slippers. I found a golf game on TV for her to watch and doze to.

As I was leaving, Mom looked and me and said she wasn't going to be here much longer. I told her that may be the case, but while she is here, I am looking out for her. I gave her a hug and a kiss and turned to leave. She closed her apartment door smiling at me.

I got in my car and drove home with a heavy heart. Even when you have had a difficult relationship with a parent, it is sad to think that someday you will never be able to talk to them again. I feel that all the time about Dad.

Sometimes I wonder....does Mom have a 6th sense about her impending death...or is she just being melodramatic? I have no idea...I just know that it is hard to deal with the situation.

On the bright side, she had a good afternoon out, a wonderful lunch and little drive ....all with her only daughter who is doing her best to help.

Bacon grease

Mom has second degree burns on her left hand from a bacon grease accident yesterday. I talked to last night right after it happened and told her I would bring some ointment today. I talked to her as we were getting ready to leave for an event ...so I couldnt go last night.

I packed up my supplies this morning and made it out to her place by 10.00am. She was sound asleep in the chair when I arrived. As soon as she woke up, I took a look at her hand and assessed the damage. Her hand is swollen with large blisters on the last three fingers. I cleaned it off with an alcohol wipe and then put some Solarcaine on it. It has Aloe Vera and cools the hand. After that, I went over to the drugstore and bought her some vinyl gloves to keep her hands dry, and some liquid antibiotic wash. Once I got back, I wrote up a care sheet for her and explained everything twice.

Mom seemed really depressed today...said she was more trouble than she is worth, and just generally down on herself. She cried a little while I was there...as I tried to get her back on track. This latest event seems to be pushing her into a deeper depression.

Pancakes

I took Mom to a pancake restaurant to breakfast on Friday morning. She was pretty hungry by the time I got there. Everything was done to perfection on her plate, including her eggs. She ate everything and seemed to really enjoy her meal. I wasn't sure this was going to be the case because she told me that she felt like she died the day Dad died as we were entering the restaurant.

After that I took her to Walmart. We both found a few things and then headed back to Seattle. We stopped at TJ Max and Safeway and did a little more shopping before we headed back to her apartment.

Once I got all the groceries unpacked, I put in a laundry for Mom and emptied her recycling. With all that accomplished, I was on my way.

Mom is weighing heavily on me lately. She is so isolated and so alone. Her whole lif was focused on my father. With him gone, she is completely at a loss.

I am struggling with my own life too..having been laid off three weeks ago. Will life ever get easier?

Managing her money

Mom is currently hysterical about a letter she got from the Bank of America about her CD's. She thinks that she has to do something by a certain date or they will take half the value of her CD's. Of course, this is totally wrong and she is just being irrational.

Her anxiety turned pretty negative last night when she called me demanding that I take her to the bank today...Saturday...my one day off a week from both Mom and my job responsibilities. I told her that I had things planned all day and could not come out. She told me that it was imperative and that if I didn't take her I shouldn't be the executor of her will. When I refused she said she would just get on the bus...fine....go for it. I rememeber how well that went the last time when I had to retreive her from Northgate Mall. That is when I hung up on her.

I am tired of her bullying behavior. I am tired of her constantly wondering where I am, what I am doing and demanding my presence. She is used to getting her way...Dad gave in to her constantly...but I am not Dad...and I do have a life of my own. I am taking a couple of days off from her.

Birthday photos

Mom's 89th Birthday

Today was Mom's 89th birthday. She wanted to go to the church that Dad and I used to belong to back in the last 1960's and into the 1970's. Naturally, this meant figuring out when the service was being held and figuring out how I could get her into the building in her transport chair.

When I arrived she was dressed to the nines. Camel coat with a fur collar, a 1920's style cloche hat, her new shoes, new skirt, a knit top, and a colorful scarf. She also had her lipstick on and was ready to go.

Luckily, I found parking close to the entrance of the church and got her in via a ramp that lead right up to the chapel. This is the chapel where my brother and his wife were married the first time. The pews were gone and in their place were comfortable cloth chairs. I got Mom situated on the side and slippped into the chair next to her.

The church had obviously changed a lot since I had been a member. There was a combo with drums, a piano, and some kind of African drums playing. Two giant flat screen televisions were mounted on either side of the chapel with big speakers up above.

The service started with singing...three women with microphones lead the singing as the words to the songs were projected onto the screens. This was not the church that I had come to anymore. If felt hipper, more evangelical. The sermon was from Matthew...where the devil tempted Christ three times and he did not go along with it. We ended with communion and more singing. I managed to roll Mom up to the communion table so she could receive the bread and the juice.

Throughout the service I noticed that Mom was crying off and on. I am sure she was thinking about Dad. After the service she spoke briefly to the minister about my Dad and then we left for lunch with Pamela.

Luckily, Pamela arrived early at the restaurant and called me enroute to tell me where to park to make it easy getting Mom inside. She met us and we all made out way into McCormick and Schmick's on Lake Union in Seattle. We got a nice window table and got Mom settled in a regular chair.

We all ordered..Mom had seafood chowder, some of the popcorn shrimp we ordered as an appetizer and fried oysters. Mom opened her presents while we waited for our food. I got her some body powder called Blue Grass from Elizabeth Arden and some perfume and body cream samples. She loved her gifts and was truly surpised.

For dessert she chose a chocolate mousee. I had the creme brulee and Pamela had a small berry cobbler with ice cream. The best part was when the waitress brought Mom's dessert with a birthday candle blazing as we sang her happy birthday.

Afterwards, we drove back to the northend. I went into Safeway to pick up a few things for her and then we went back to her apartment. I looked over her pill minders and discovered that she is using them as storage but not in the way they were intended. I sorted out her daily pills and put them in one of the containers. I told her we would do this every Sunday so she would have an easier time keeping track of her medications.

I hugged Mom goodbye and drove off...six hours later...happy in th knowledge that she had a really good day doing what she wanted to do, eating what she wanted to eat, looking out at the water, and celebrating her birthday.

The last time we were in this restarant was on Easter 2007. Dad was still alive and Mom was having trouble with her eye. The trouble turned out to be shingles. She was admitted to the hospital two days later.

What a wild ride this last couple of years has been.

Safe

I discovered today that Mom has a bar she shoves under her doorknob. I went out there today to take her some groceries and to have a quick meal. I have not been feeling that great...upper respiratory infection....and I originally told her that I wouldn't be able to come out today. Once I got up and showered I felt better...so after church I went to Mom's place. I tried opening the door with my key, but it would not budge. I called Mom and heard the phone ringing and ringing. She also had the TV on full blast. She had fallen asleep despite all the racket. I finally pounded on the door and she eventually heard me.

Once I got inside, I took a good look at her "safety bar'. It is a long rod that has a black rubber foot and a black top that fits under the knob. I tried telling her that it was not safe. How was I going to get in and help her if she needed me? The fire department will have to break down the door if she ever needs help or has had a heart attack and died in there. There are so many bad scenarios that run through my head. Of course, she doesn't want to really think rationally about anything I say to her on the topic.

Her main concern is for her own safety. She has never felt safe in the world and this is just the latest manifestation of her lifelong fear or people and situations that she does not truly understand. She regularly misinterprets daily events, news items on the television... etc. I can do almost nothing about all of this. So..the bottom line is that she feels safe with her new tool. I do not feel safe with her new tool....so we are at a stalemate. Now that Dad is not here to protect her in the world he created for her, she has to use other more extreme measures.

Cookies, cake, ice cream

Cookies, cake, ice cream....that is what Mom told her doctor today when asked what she was eating. Her doctor was trying to determine why Mom is still lossing weight. She has lost a total of 16 pounds since last June. I had to laugh at Mom's response...she does eat other things besides sweets...but the issue is that she is not really eating enough protein. I told the doctor that she does eat other foods, but she asked me to try and keep track of what Mom is eating.

She eats a little meat...but because of her esophagus issues, that is harder and harder. She won't eat yogurt, very little cheese, and a fair amount of eggs. I tried buying her protein shakes, but she resisted those as well. I think I'll try and buy her some cashews.

The up side of her appointment today is that her blood tests came back very good. She must have quite the constitution...because with her heart issues, esophagus problems and diabetes, she is still going pretty strong. Amazing..

Telling stories

I am out of town all week for work. Luckily, my cell phone works and I have been able to talk to Mom twice today. This morning she seemed fine until she starting talking about my Dad. She was crying and it broke my heart.

Tomorrow would have been his 89th birthday, so Mom is having a hard time. She told me that Dad used to tell her about the day he was born every year. He was born in a snowstorm on January 27, 1920 in Orting, Washington. She wasn't sure, but she thought the midwife had probably come to the house. My Dad's birth was a happy event especially during this huge snowstorm. His father had just come back from World War I, so it was a very happy moment for Dad's parents.

As Mom related the story it dawned on me that this was a continuation of a tradition she and I have celebrated for many years on my birthday. She tells me about the day I was born. I have to say, that I hung up the phone crying...missing Dad so much. I still have Mom and she is still telling me stories...and I am grateful for every one of them.

Tomorrow I will call Mom as soon as I get done with work. She wants my brother to bring over cake and ice cream for Dad's birthday. I have no idea if he will do that for her. I hope so...because that one simple act would make her day. I wish I could be there with her tomorrow...just to make it a little easier. I will do my best on the phone.

Independence Day

I started my day by calling my brother and telling him of Mom's plan to have him drive her to Northgate. He said he wouldn't do it..so I drove to work fairly sure that Mom's plan would not be implemented today. A little after 2pm I noticed a voicemail on my cell ...from Mom...she sounded like she was talking to someone about not understanding how to leave a message. I couldn't call the number back so I quickly put it all together.

She had to be at the Northgate Mall. The only thing I could do was wait for her to call back. At 4pm, the phone rang. Mom had taken the bus to Northgate, but was tired from all the walking that she had done in the mall. She needed me to come get her. I left work a few minutes early and drove in rush hour traffic to the mall. I found her sitting on a bench by Penney's dressed to the hilt in her leather and mink jacket. She was totally exhausted and a little embarassed that her plan hadn't worked out.

I slowly walked her to the car and got her settled in the passenger seat. I went back into the food court and got her a hamburger and a milkshake...knowing that she had been without food or drink for 4 hours. She happily ate and drank all the way home.

Mom admitted that she couldn't take the bus by herself anymore. She admitted the same thing last year when she pulled this same stunt. One thing she said broke my heart. She justed wanted to be independent.....I can totally understand...but it is no longer possible.

Winter White

Mom has been focused on purchasing a "winter white" coat for the last two years. On Thursday, I took her to the Northgate Mall so we could continue our search for the illusive coat. With Mom in the wheelchair we made our way from Nordstrom to Macy's, ending with Penney's. Mom was being her usual grande dame self..."show me that...what size is that...wheel me in there among the coats." I hate these shopping expeditions because she rapidly becomes a tyrant.

We didn't have much time, so I was trying to keep her focused and going from store to store. Of course, she felt that I was not showing her everything and proceeded to be pretty obnoxious...to the point of whining and yelling at me. I finally found one coat that she seemed to like...so I just bought it for her. Of course, that wasn't what she wanted....so I had to return it on the spot. At that point, I needed to get going for work and was totally fed up with her behavior, so I whisked her out of the mall, returned the wheelchair and drove her home.

On my way to work, I felt that I had already done a full day...emotionally exhausted and just fed up. Mom insisted that she was going to return to the mall on her own, so after work I drove to the downtown Macy's...found her another coat on sale and drove it back out to her. Of course, it wasn't the perfect coat...but she decided to keep it. I drove home thoroughly exhausted with the search for the perfect "Winter White" coat.

I am here

We never know how high we are
Till we are called to rise.....Emily Dickinson

"As we age, our parents become ours to protect and nurture as they once cared for us. As our roles reverse, as we find ourselves placed in the parental role of caretakers, many conflicting emotions may arise ranging from tenderness to anger and resentment. Despite our best intentions we may need to struggle for greater generoristy than we in fact feel. A burden seeming too great to bear can yet be born one day at a time. We have within us stores of patience and practicality, intuition and invention, all of which are called to play during difficult times. Not one of us is a saint, and yet we carry within our hearts the strength of ages. As we seek spiritual support and guidance, we find our actions tempered by humor and humilitiy. The heart expands to love those we love as they need now to be loved."

Transitions: Prayers and declarations for a changing life by Julia Cameron.

A friend who is also a caregiver sent me this. I opened the envelope and read this excerpt with a knowing heart and mind. It was like reading one of those maps in a mall...You are Here...with a big X on the spot. I am definitely here and have known all the emotions mentioned above.

Thankfully, I have been able to pull back some from my own stress and be more patient and loving with Mom recently. We have talked and laughed. I have prompted her to tell me stories of her life with Dad. We always cry at some point, but we laugh too. I leave these encounters with a little more confidence in my ability to take care of Mom in her final years. For that I am thankful.

A bad day, a good day

Sunday afternoon is my usual time to go out to Mom's and make her dinner. That went pretty well this past Sunday until after dinner. I was trying to put together a recycle receptacle out of one of those cloth shopping bags. No..that would not work...she wanted to "save" that bag...it was too nice to use for recycling. I admit, I lost my patience with her quirky ways and yelled at her. There I was on the kitchen floor on my knees yelling at an 88 year old woman over a recycling bag...completely ridiculous.

It was at this moment in time that Mom shared with me that I would be responsible for her heart attack and death because I yelled at her. I just sat there on the floor and told her that if she died from a heart attack it would be because her heart didn't function properly and she was not in good health.

After I got home I told Pamela about my latest round with Mom and she simply looked at me and said "She is an adult..she makes choices about the way she behaves." Easily said...but not so easy to deal with in reality. She is by virtue of her age an adult...but I have noticed more and more a child like quality to Mom. She will ask me what to do, waiting for my instructions...or she will just get lost in her thoughts and forget what she is talking about....like she is searching for a word or a thought that has just gotten away from her.

Last night was another "dinner at Mom's" night and it went a lot better. I told her that I have been short tempered lately because I am having a pretty tough time at work. We had a good talk and she listened to what I had to say. She wishes that she could help in some way, but doesn't know what to do to help me. There is nothing that she can do but try and listen and understand the other pressures that I am under in my life. She wishes that she was not in Seattle..but there is no way she could be in Arizona without Dad. It is a tough situation for all of us. But at least last night went well for both of us.

Damned if I do, damned if I don't

I went out to take Mom for a haircut yesterday and just lost it with her. I had been doing alright with her inside her apartment. I finished drying her laundry after I went down to the office to recharge her laundry card. We sat and had some tea while I ate a little lunch. I had been working all morning to take down the outside and inside Christmas decorations at home..so hadn't had time to eat before arriving at Mom's by 2:30p.m.

So...everything was going fine...until we were in the lobby heading for my car outside. That is when she started in on me about not wanting to get into my car because of my Obama sticker. I am just fed up with her racism...it just made me so mad that I stood there and told her to get out of the car. I was not going to take her anywhere. She got increasingly agitated and just stayed in the car. Ok, so that wasn't going to work. Next, I told her I would drop her at the salon and go get her groceries for her while she got her hair done. NO....that wouldn''t work...she had to go to the grocery store. I slammed her car door and stomped around to the other side. I sat there looking at her and then told her that she was a manipulative bitch. By this time she was pretty quiet. I am so ashamed of my temper ...but she just does stuff that drives me out of my mind. Her need to control every aspect of what I do, think, say has been a constant irritant my entire life. My brother calls her the Great Puppet Master...and we are all her puppets.

When I got her to the salon she was upset because she didn't recognize anyone...for goodness sakes...it is a Supercuts...people work there 10 minutes and leave. It is never going to be the same person. It was going to be a 45 minute wait, which was too much for her....so we ended up going to the grocery store. Mom contends that she has to go to the store because I have this bad habit of buying her things she doesn't need. Sometimes I do buy her extra things...just trying to give her a change or trying to balance out all the sugar she eats. Oh, well..damned if I do, damned if I don't.

Once we left Safeway, I drove us to Big Lots because Mom needed a calendar. I got her a 4 in 1 calendar with a date book and a big and small calendar. It was a flower theme...but she couldn't recognize the flowers as the pictures were all macro shots. Oh, well...damned if I do, damned if I don't.

I drove her home, unpacked all her groceries and made her some dinner. She walked me to the door. I could tell she was still upset with me...but I was just too exhausted to even deal with her. I kissed her goodbye, walked out the door and got into my car. Today was not a good day for me as Mom's caregiver.

Damned if I do, damned if I don't.

Mom at Christmas 2008

New Year's Day Breakfast

I drove out to have breakfast with Mom this morning. When I arrived, she wasn't quite dressed so I made breakfast while she got herself ready. I made us some toaster waffles, bacon, a grapefruit half for Mom, coffee and milk. She was really hungry. She had been up until 1:30am watching the New Year's celebrations around the country.

She was in a really talkative mood so I just let her talk while I finished my breakfast. She was being a tiny bit irritating because she can't hear that she is yelling at me. I finally got her to go into the living room and sit down while I washed the dishes. Once she got settled by her favorite picture of her and my Dad, I heard her start singing the words to their songs...Autumn Leaves and September Song. It was kind of sweet and kind of heartbreaking...especially when she started to cry. She made it all the way through both songs just as I was finishing the dishes.

I got her microphone and spoke directly into it while she had her headphones on. She is really having a hard time hearing these days. I also noticed while we were talking that her ankles are really swollen. We talked for awhile and since she didn't need any groceries I decided to leave around 10am. This disppointed her becasue she thought I was staying to make dinner. I am starting to think that she is getting confused around what time of day it is. I just don't know.

"Autumn Leaves"

English Lyrics by Johnny Mercer and Music by Joseph Kosma

The falling leaves drift by my window
The falling leaves of red and gold
I see your lips, the summer kisses
The sunburned hands I used to hold

Since you went away the days grow long
And soon I'll hear old winter's song
But I miss you most of all, my darling
When autumn leaves start to fall

Since you went away the days grow long
And soon I'll hear old winter's song
But I miss you most of all, my darling
When autumn leaves start to fall

I miss you most of all, my darling
When autumn leaves start to fall

"September Song"
Written by Maxwell Anderson & Kurt Weill.

Well, it’s a long, long time
From May to December
But the days grow short,
When you reach September.
And the autumn weather
Turns the leaves to gray
And I haven’t got time
For the waiting game.

And the days dwindle down
To a precious few . . .
September, November . . .
And these few precious days
I spend with you.
These precious days
I spend with you.

So, here we are - 2009. It has been a year and a half almost since Dad passed away. I miss him...Mom misses him. We will just keep doing the best we can.