Christmas redux

Mom changed her mind about coming to our house for Christmas. I just called her up and reassured her that I could make it to her place ok and that she could bring her bag with her strongbox. It has all her important papers and for some reason she has to bring it to the house every Christmas. So...I made it all normal for her and she was ready to go when I arrived around 1pm.

We drove to the cemetary first so she could see her Mother's grave. We couldn't make it all the way to the grave because the roads had not been plowed in the cemetary. I drove as close as I could, then got out and ran up the hill a little bit to where the grave is located. I had been there the day before and hiked in from the street and miraculously found the grave. I went to the cherry tree, then turned a bit to sight off the water faucet and garbage can and within about 30 seconds have uncovered the grave. So..long story short, I held up the wreath that I had purchased the day before so Mom could see it, then ran back to the car. We had to back down the road to get out of the cemetary...Mom crying the whole way. She was both upset and nervous because of the driving conditions. I got us out of there...bless my Subaru Forester, and then drove to the house. The last two blocks were the worst, but we finally arrived around 2pm.

As soon as we arrived, Pamela and I went into full court press to get Mom inside. She had to go to the bathroom right away, so I got the transport chair and we whisked into the downstairs bathroom. It became clear right away that I was dealing with an accident...so I got some of those disposable washclothes and helped Mom change into some clean underpants. She was resistant to changing at first, but I reassured her that we were the same size and that it would be fine. After we got everything back together, she sat in the transport chair, looked at me, laughed out loud and said "Merry Christmas". It was the funniest and most tender moment of the day for me. Times change, roles change....and it all works out.

Mom was hungry...and Pamela had everything ready, so we sat down right away for a lovely Christmas lunch - ham, mashed pototes, sweet potatoes with pecans, mashed turnips, green beans, little cheesecakes, and lovely petite Buche de Noel. After dinner I showed Mom all the old Christmas pictures with Santa that stretched from 1954 until the early 1960's. She enjoyed that quite a bit.

Then onto the presents...we had gone a little overboard with Mom's gifts, but she enjoyed everything...the new socks, the eye mask, the hat, the pajamas, the soft pad for her bed, the Frangos, the removable handle for her bathtub, and the handmade fabric bag. Milo sat with Mom most of the time she was opening her presents..leaning on her...which she seemed to enjoy. He is a very loving dog.

Before we left, she wanted to visit my Dad's ashes in my room. I had a white poinsettia on the top of my bookcase for Christmas. She looked at each photo and sobbed. I understand her need to do this every year. It is part of her mourning process. Her life will never be the same without my Dad.

It was getting dark by this time..so we started back to her apartment by 4pm. She had a good meal and a good time. We made it through another Christmas.

Christmas Eve

Mom had decided that she will not come to our home for Christmas Day dinner. She says that it is just too much to ride in the car back and forth with all the snow. It is snowing again this morning....so unless we get lots of rain in the next 24 hours, it looks like Mom won't be with us.

In reality, Mom is afraid someone will get into her apartment and steal from her. She told me yesterday that someone had stolen one of the nightgowns I had given her on a previous Christmas out of the dryer in the laundry room. I told her that it possible because times are tough, but that I knew that no one was going into her apartment to steal things. I reminded her that everything of value that she owned was locked up in trunks or lockboxes. I even offered to bring her heavy lockbox over to the house on Christmas. No luck. She is not going to go for it. I finally just agreed with her and let it go.

I realize that she is never really totally attached to reality. I realize that she often misplaces things and thinks they have been stolen. I also realize that I am not willing to go around this particular bush anymore this holiday season.

It is a silent and snowy night here...May we find peace on Earth...and goodwill toward everyone.

Snow falling

It has been snowing since sometime early this morning...before I got up at 5am. I haven't been able to get to Mom since Sunday afternoon.

She grows more agitated with each passing day. She is certain that the bank clerk shorted her $500 when she was at the bank. More likely, she is having a harder time making sense of her statements. Mark refused to take her there yesterday. I haven't been able to make the trip since the car has not been out of the driveway much.

Every time I talk to her she is upset about something new. Today it was the Russians again. We have had this conversation before. She is convinced that the Russians are controlling our weather and have dumped this big snowfall on us. Ok, there is nothing I can do to convince her othewise, so I go along with her. Finally, I have to get off the phone and start working from home...so she is mad at me for that. I think Christmas is just a hard time for her...without Dad.

Sunday....Snow

It snowed last night ...six inches ...ice underneath by this morning. I made it to Mom's this afternoon by 1:15p.m. I stopped on the way to buy her some groceries because I am just not sure if I can make it out there with the way the weather is unfolding here.

I made dinner when I got there, took out the garbage and recycling and talked with Mom about her latest plan to manage my brother's life. She has it in her head that he needs snow tires. I tried to explain that we don't have that much snow here and that he may or may not want snow tires...all to no avail. She has it set in her mind and plans to gift the snow tires to him for his birthday in February. As I was leaving after washing and drying the dishes, she told me that she needed two prescriptions filled...so I called them in feeling kind of frustrated that she hadn't mentioned this on the phone when I called her earlier in the day. We got it all squared away and I picked up the big shopping bag of gifts she had for us and drove home. The drive was a bit scary in places but I finally got home about 5p.m.

I talked with a friend at church this morning who is also a primary caregiver for her brother and his wife. I told her than Mom is a fragile person who has a iron fist in a velvet glove. Her reality is often different from mine. It often takes me time to figure out what the heck she is talking about. She has a pretty strong life force in a body that is increasingly fragile. She struggles with her body and remembering things, but still rises to the occasion. She wrapped up all the presents but told me not to put them under the tree until Christmas Eve. As I left, she showed me the top of a fir tree that is in the shape of a cross. She sits and looks at that cross day in and day out. What it means to her I have no idea..because she never discusses her religious or spiritual thoughts.

All in all, it was a good visit. That counts for a lot these days.

The walls have ears

Today was a bad day with Mom. I should have cancelled...knowing how tired I have been...so frazzled with work, getting ready for our annual Christmas party...just trying to have some kind of life.

Mom was being bossy and difficult the whole time...ordering me around her apartment...having me spot wash areas of her rug...all the while telling me that we were going to go to the drugstore, to eat...and then to the grocery store. She insisted while I vacuumed that someone had come into her apartment and stolen one of the attachments to her vacuum. Oh, boy...here we go...that is the only thought I had in my head at that moment.

She did have her holiday decorations out...which she had insisted three days ago she was not going to do this year. One piece was something my Dad had given her which made her cry as she was telling me that it was the last Christms decoration he had purchased for her.

We made it to Rite Aid and she started being really difficult right away. Where were the Tums? Where was the wrapping paper?. Things were too expensive. She hadn't wanted me to come in with her because she said I made it harder for her to shop. The truth is she cannot shop on her own ...she can't hear the clerk telling her the amount of her bill and would wander for a long time before she found anything she needed to buy. As we headed for the car Mom told me that she had fallen again today. I asked her why she hadn't told me earlier. Her answer was that I would make her get an X-Ray. I told her I wasn't interested in forcing her to do anything.

We finally made it out of the parking lot and headed to McDonalds for lunch. While we were eating our lunch Mom confided that she was going to receive a small increase in her Social Security monthly payment. She did not want to discuss it in her apartment because she believes that the property managers have her apartment electronically monitored. This is a long standing paranoia of hers. I just told her that I thought it was great that she was getting an increase. She went into great detail about how much money she was giving my brother, his family and me for Christmas. Of course, overall Mark gets more money to cover him and his kids because of the simple fact that he has children. This seemed grossly unfair to me and I told her so. At this point, my patience was just about at the breaking point. I cleaned up the lunch stuff and got her to the car. She wanted to go all the way up to another store, but I told her we were going across the street to Safeway..end of discussion.

Once we got there we muddled through as usual..her not remembering what she needs and spending an inordinate amount of time trying to figure out what she would have for my brother to eat for lunch all week. We made it through and got to the car. As we were driving away she said she had a secret that she would tell me someday. I just lost it with her. I told her I didn't want to know her secret and that I was tired of being manipulated by her. Mark can just take care of her. Right...like that is going to happen. He considers it a big deal to take her to the bank. When I got her home she started being nasty again, so I just dumped her groceries and took off. I am just fed up with her and her behavior.

Pay it forward

I had a chance last night to pay it forward with a young friend of mine...a teenager who reminds me a lot of myself. I paid it forward with her just as my Dad had paid it forward with me so many years ago when I was her age. By "pay if foward" I mean to do something right now that will help that individual both now and in the future as they go through life.

My Dad paid it forward by investing time, by talking with me, by his example in the world, in his ability to be goofy, by his willingness to share his faith, by sharing his political opinions, by attending every concert and graduation he could, by asking me how my car was running, by bailing me out more than once financially, by allowing me to see him at his most vulnerable as he approached his own death with grace and good humor. These are just of the few of ways that Dad paid it forward by investing in me in so many moments in my life.

Now it is my turn to pay it forward. Last night was one of those opportunities...to be honest, open, funny, sad, pragmatic, philsophical...with someone else. She may benefit from our similar experience in some small way. My reality is that I was given a wonderful roadmap from a man that I was lucky enough to call Dad. Now, I believe it is my turn to share my roadmap with others, giving full credit to the man that taught me to drive....both in a car and in life.

"You have your Dad's hands"

"You have your Dad's hands". That is what Mom said to me on the way home from a great Thanksgiving dinner at our house. I was holding her hand as we drove through the darkened city...on Highway 99. As we passed Evergreen Washelli Cemetary that is what she said. I thought about that statement as we continued on...me thinking about what Dad's hands looked like and then knowing that I have inheritated both those hands of his and his ability to be compassionate. Mom is having such a tough time...she told me again as I hugged her goodbye tonight that she hoped her life wasn't going to last much longer...that her heart flutters. I can see that she wants to die and is afraid to die all at the same time.

As I drove home to my warm and bright house...I was both grateful that I love my life, my partner, my friends...Cathy and Robin...all waiting for my return. I regret that in my Mom's life there is only the memory of my Dad...her silent lunches with my brother, and whatever pleasures that Pamela and I can bring to her.

Sunday, Pamela is taking Mom to Northgate Mall for some Christmas shopping. I will meet them for lunch after church.

So, we begin the holiday rituals again. Thanksgiving dinner...where Mom ate a little of everything this year....then onto Christmas.

Accentuate the positive

I finally told Mom that I needed her to try to be a little more positive. I explained that there are plenty of things we can all focus on that drag us down in life...the weather, our jobs, conflict of any kind...but that it was important to try and focus on the good things. I emphasized that this quality to see the positive was one of the things that I really loved about Dad. I could always count on him to be optimistic and show me the way to that positive perspective.

Mom is naturally a glass half full kind of person...a worrier...a disaaster forcaster. But she can also be very kind and supportive. I see that she struggles to get to a place where there is no fear..and that is hard for her on a daily basis. The other day she told me she was afraid to live in her apartment. When I asked her why, she explained that someone had rushed by her in the hall when she was trying to do her laundry. She couldn't see the person's face and it really scared her. I explained that it was normal for people to walk by each other in an apartment hallway...that the person was probably just in a hurry and meant her no harm.

I normalize the world for Mom...she has never seen things in a rational way...she sees deeper, sometimes to the point of creating her own unique way of seeing. Maybe that is what paranoia is all about...or maybe she is tuned into the world on a different level. I have no idea after all these years. Sometimes I think Mom is really sensitive in a way that is different from the experience that most people have in the world. She can be very intuitive...and see things that others either do not see or do not understand...are they real?...or not? Sometimes I have a hard time distinguishing that...but I know that I am more tuned into people and I think my experience with Mom has something to do with my ability to read people.

I am having a unique experience with Mom...I am seeing her completely unvarnished..without my Dad as her buffer. True, he created a safe little world that she lived in for many years...now I try to help her manage her new world. We are both making the best of it and trying to enjoy the time we have left together.

Wanting to die

Mom told me at dinner today that she wanted to die. She hates her apartment, her life, her inability to walk very well. She is so down on her whole existence that I have to work pretty hard not to just give up on her.

She wanted to get out of the apartment after dinner so I took her grocery shopping. She likes to go to Safeway because the shopping scooters giver her mobility that she doesn't have in any other situation. We made the rounds collecting the items that she needed and drove back to her apartment.

I put away her groceries and then turned to give her a big hug. She started crying which made me cry....we just held each other and cried..both of us missing Dad. She still cannot believe that he passed away first. It seems ironic to me in some wierd way. Dad spent most of his adult life taking care of my Mom. He created a world that she could function in...feel safe in. Now that he is gone, she is completely lost...adrift...not able to understand that he will never be there by her side again.

After I left, I drove away completely depressed and emotionally exhausted.

Pamela and I are planning a good Thanksgiving dinner for her. We just have to keep planning events that she will be part of that keep her somewhat engaged in life.

Quiche anyone?

I got up early today to make a quiche to take to Mom for our breakfast this morning. I arrived at her apartment a half hour late after fighting rain and heavy traffic across the city.

She was happy to see me and hungry. I served her a good sized piece and poured her some hot coffee. Bacon went into the microwave because she already had it ready to cook. I served up my plate and joined her as she finished her quiche in record time. We talked and ate and drank our coffee...everything was going well this morning.

She had me look at her latest medical bill from her eye specialist. I explained it to her and told her which of the amounts she was responsible for this time around. After that, she switched gears on me and began to tell me about a black bag she had set out in her bedroom that she wanted me to know about....it contains all her papers and her will. She wanted me to know about it and work the lock. She wanted to be sure that I knew where all her important papers and her will could be found...if she was to fall ill or die.

Mom talks a lot about her death these days...almost every time I see her she talks about it like it is just around the corner. I have grown used to this and do not get as upset as I used to about the topic. She got pretty emotional this morning about missing Dad...that he was waiting for her and that she wants to join him sooner rather than later. Her biggest fear seems to be that she will live to be 93 like her sister who passed away a year ago. She sees living that long as a burden...to herself and to my brother and I.

I called Mark and told him I was leaving...he was on his way over to have lunch with Mom. We are ships passing each other on the sea of Mom. The first shift leaves...the second shift comes on deck. We are doing all that we can to help Mom.

I gave her a long hug and a kiss and held her for a moment before I left. I am the only person who really has a lot of physical contact with Mom. I can tell she needs it because she leans into me each time I wrap her in a hug.

I sat in my car for a minute before leaving trying to regain my sense of calm...I never know what tomorrow will bring..but at least for today, Mom had a nice homemade breakfast and a chance to pass along the information that her life's documents are contained in a black case.

Dinner for two

Every Tuesday night I go to Mom's apartment to make her dinner. Tonight it was baked Dover sole, broccoli with cheese sauce, mashed potatoes and miniature cupcakes from Trophy in Wallingford.

Mom was sitting watching the news when I arrived. She was really hungry...she had only eaten a bowl of cereal for breakfast and a bowl of soup for lunch. My brother had not been there for lunch today...so she wasn't that interested in eating. I prepared dinner as quickly as I could and got our plates ready. Mom seemed really hungry and ate almost everything...except a few pieces of broccoli. I gave her three of the four cupcakes...she ate them right down to the wrapper.

I told her after dinner that I wouldn't be able to come out Thursday morning.. as I told her she started counting off the days until she would see me again. I told her I really couldn't help it...I have stuff to do for work and just can't come as usual. I asked her to tell Mark if she needed food from the store.

I left with her walking me to the door as usual..she is losing so much weight..her cloths hang off of her. I told her again that it wouldn't work for her to live with Pamela and I. She just keeps bringing it up....and I keep telling her No. I feel guilty, but I know that it would never work. She would create problems for us and I will not have that.

Shingles redux

I took Mom to her eye specialist last Thursday. Shingles has reappeared in her right eye. It was really red and itching for several days. The doctor looked at her eye and told her that this was a flare up of shingles again. He wanted her to do eye drops every couple of hours every day. I told Dr. Carroll that she couldn't do that for herself and I am not there enough to do it either. He opted to give her a shot underneath the eye...basically some kind of steroid. Her eye started clearing up within 24 hours...so this is good news. We return for a follow up appointment this Thursday.

How do you feel?

Mom is struggling with her life. She keeps saying that her life can't go on much longer. I finally told her that it is hard for me to hear this kind of talk. No one knows how many days we have on this earth...I understand that she is depressed and missing my Dad every day. I understand that she is lonely and isolated..but she has fought every suggestion I have made to get her involved in a senior center. It is hard..she can't really get around very well..even with help. Her energy levels are at an all time low...both physically and emotionally. She is depressed with the coming of winter weather. Mom is definitely a "glass half full" kind of person.

I have been trying a new tactic in the last month. I buy inexpensive greeting cards and send her one or two a week. I know she waits for the mail everyday...so getting a card really cheers her up. It is a small gesture..but seems to make her happy for a little while. The larger issue of what I perceive to be her depression is not a subject she wishes to discuss. When I told her that I thought she may want to go to the doctor to discuss how she is feeling she had one word "Bullshit"....case closed.

Mom is dependent, narcissistic, self-absorbed, funny, opinionated, smart, and still makes a mean roast. She is so many conflicting things..but all I can do is try and help her out and do so with good intentions. I am actually to the place where I am appreciating this time alone with her to get to know her in new ways. She can drive me straight up a wall, she makes me laugh, she makes me sadder than I ever thought I could be...but at the end of the day, I love her for all her contradictions.

Walk and roll

I took Mom to the mall today in the transport chair that a friend at work gave me a couple of weeks ago. It is light weight, easy to lift in and out of the car, collapses so it is easy to store...basically gives Mom pop up and go mobility. She wanted to look for shoes and purses. We did our usual rounds of all the various places she likes to go...mostly Macy's and Penney's. She tried on a couple of pairs of shoes...but they were too wide for her foot. The purses were all too big and too expensive.

After getting her back to the car we headed to MacDonald's for lunch. She loves her chocolate milkshakes. She also had a double hamburger and a few fries. Afterwards, we drove across the street to Safeway and got her a power cart so she could go around the store picking out her groceries.

Mom seemed a little down on herself today. She is worried that she is going to loose the ability to use her legs. She does get very tired whenever we go out now...even though she is sitting the entire time...either in the car, in the wheelchair or in the power cart at the store. I told her that given her age she is actually in a lot better shape than a lot of people.

Once I got her home and unloaded the groceries, I made her some fresh coffee. I fixed her Pocket Talker by putting in some new batteries. I gave her a big hug and then took off to do some of my own errands.

I will be back Sunday to cook Mom dinner.

It is so hard to leave her there in the doorway. She looks so little, so sad, so lost.

ARGH!

Take me to the fair

Mom wanted to go to the Puyallup Fair...I think she wanted to find my niece, Lizzie in the 4-H horse barn. We looked in three 4-H horse barns but never found her. My brother does a good job of keeping his children away from Mom. It hurts her terribly, but he must have his reasons. She is not the easiest person to deal with and she will say whatever she wants...or thinks..even if it is totally awful and untrue. Like today...Pamela was looking at some sheds at the fair and I was sitting with Mom in the shade. Mom suddenly told me that she was sorry for me...that I was being lead around by Pamela. This is always the accusation she levels against partners....both with me and Mark. I told her in no uncertain terms that I wasn't putting up with that kind of talk anymore. I had to put up with it when I was younger...but no more. That basically shut her up for awhile.

Then on the way home after we dropped Pamela off she started in on how many Mexicans were at the fair. I just had to tell her that I was tired of her racist comments and that all people were equal...period. She said that she couldn't talk to me about anything anymore. Oh, I get so tired of this struggle back and forth with her.

While we were at the fair she got to eat some things she likes...a hamburger, an ice cream cone, some coffee. She was in a wheelchair the whole time at the fair. Mom's ability to walk safely is diminishing every day. She really didn't enjoy the fair this year....because she felt it had become too commercial and there were so many "ugly" looking people there. She commented on what a big butt one woman had...and then on a guy who was pretty big. I am tired of her judgments and condemnations of people. It just makes me sick to my stomach to listen to her go on and on.

I finally got her home around 3:30pm after swinging by her Mother's grave on the way. She got upset again looking at the grave. We stopped to buy a bag of donuts on the way home. Sweets are her one solace. Once I got her home, I made her half a ham sandwich, some cold tomatoes and fresh coffee. She hobbled to the door to double lock it after me when I left. Her life is lived in fear. She even took an extra sweater to fold over her purse while we were at the fair. She feels that she is constantly in danger. This has to be the personality disorder rearing it's head again. I left exhausted and totally drained of emotion.

How much longer can this go on?

Thursday night

Today was kind of a whacky experience with Mom. I had asked her in advance what she wanted to do today, but she had no clue. When I got there this morning, I finished preparing our breakfast. During our meal she broke the news that she wanted to go to Bellevue to The Container Store...her mission...to buy yet another trunk.

We set out and got stuck in a huge traffic jam on I5. I realized that I needed gas and that there was a Storables at University Village. Hoping for the best, I got off the freeway and drove straight to the store. I got Mom out of the car, walked her across the short walkway to the elevator and then took her one flight down to the store. It didn't seem like a lot of walking to me...but it turned out to be too much for Mom. Of course, the store didn't have what we needed so we had to turn back around and head to the car. Mom needed to stop and gather herself together. She was breathing pretty hard. We just stood for awhile in the garage until she felt strong enough to get to the car.

Once in the car she told me she needed to go to a Bank of America....and there was supposed to be one somewhere in the U Village, but I couldn't find it. I gave up and went to get gas. By this time I was losing my patience with this wild goose chase so I told Mom I didn't think we had time to go all the way to Bellevue (about 10 miles away), got to the bank, do some grocery shopping an still get me to work by noon. She opted to go to the bank and let me do a little shopping for her on the way.

She did all her banking and arranged for her CD to be turned over...then Mark called to say he would be over shortly. By the time we got home, he called again say he had made a pot of coffee for Mom..but he was on his way to the other end of the city for work. He promised he would come over on Friday. I didn't tell Mom that Mark had been in her apartment....that would put her over the edge.

I unpacked the groceries, made Mom some lunch and then took off for work. After work, I drove over to Bellevue, got the trunk at 20% off and drove through yet another track jam to deliver it to her. When I walked in I discovered that she had move two chairs and a bench to make room for the trunk in her bedroom. She said she felt weak....no wonder, she has a heart condition and is moving furniture!
I put the trunk where she wanted it, helped her turn down the bed and then headed to the kitchen to make her some dinner.

When I served her dinner she kept saying "You are so good to me". It is kind of eerie to hear that phrase because Dad said it all the time when he was really sick. Mom has had a tough week...she seems weaker, grayer, easier to tire. I am hoping that she will have a good time on Sunday when we take her to the Puyallup Fair.

Sunday redux

Today I made an intentional choice to go to Mom's and be in a good mood. Nothing much was different with her, but my intention helped me make it through the usual routine without getting too upset.

Sunday redux

Today I made an intentional choice to go to Mom's and be in a good mood. Nothing much was different with her, but my intention helped me make it through the usual routine in a much better mood.

Mom had made some really good macaroni and cheese. She said she hadn't made it in a really long time and wasn't sure if it was any good. She also mentioned that she had fallen asleep while it was baking and it might have cooked too long. My ears went up immediately at that....it may not be safe for Mom to use the oven any more. I finished off the meal by cooking her favorite ham slice in butter and brown sugar and fresh corn on the cob. She was really hungry and ate everything on her plate.

Pamela and took a drive out to Black Diamond and Enumclaw yesterday. We both just needed to get out of the city. Pamela slept off and on in the car...but we managed to stop at two really good farm stands. I bought Mom fudge, some salt water taffy, split peas. Pamela bought some corn and Walla Walla sweet onions that she put in the bag for Mom. We didn't have dessert after dinner because Mom ate a big piece of fudge BEFORE the meal. We laughed over that.

I took Mom to Northgate to give her a little time away from her apartment. I exchanged the bras that I bought her Friday night for another color. We headed for the grocery store and did our usual round of most of the aisles. Mom had made a list but she had no idea what she had put on it. I read it and reminded her at every turn what we were looking for. She drove the cart to the car and then I put everything in the car after getting her seated. She is increasingly unsure of her ability to walk without me holding on to her.

Next stop, Rite Aid to get her nightime pants. This has been going on since before Dad died. She gets up at least three times a night to go to the bathroom, but wears the pants too. I have never really asked her is she is incontinent, but I assume that she is and I just leave it alone. I think this may also be why she washes the sheets so much.

I looked at Mom with such compassion today. She is so tired, with bags and circles under her eyes. She has continued to loss weight. She misses my Dad and she misses the life they had together. I know Mom could drive Dad to distraction, but I also know that they loved each other in a way that was totally private between them.

To give Mom something to look forward to, I told her today that we are taking her to the Puyallup Fair next Sunday. My office mate at work gave me the wheelchair that she used with her Mom who has since passed away. That will save us from having to rent a chair like we did last year. Mom is looking forward to seeing all the produce, flowers, animals and the lovely food. Corn on the cob, fudge, hamburgers with piles of sauteed Walla Walla sweet onions...

Onto the week... tomorrow is Labor Day ...September 1st. Fall is right around the corner.

A visit to the doctor

Thursday morning I took Mom to her eye specialist so he could exam her right eye. That is the eye that was affected by shingles in April 2007. She had forgotten to bring her regular eyeglasses, so the vision test was a bit iffy. Despite that, she did fairly well and they went ahead with dilating her eyes. Dr. Carroll examined her after the technician had done all the other tests and entered the data into her record. She did well...and won't have to return for another year.

She got his ok to discontinue the Neurotin...or as Mom's calls them...her "orange pills". She stopped taking them a couple of weeks ago. Originally this medication was intended to help alleviate the pain from the shingles. Mom feels that the pills actually give her a headache now. She feels good about having to take one less pill..and has started talking about discontinuing all her medication. I think her fear of death with override her issues with taking medication....but time will tell. She made a great impression on the technician and the doctor. She is a spunky, feisty woman who wants to remain in control of her life for as long as she can manage it. My job is to help her maintain her life and keep her safe. Sometimes, that is easy and sometimes it isn't.

After her appointment we went to breakfast and did some grocery shopping. My brother Mark called when we were finishing up and said he would meet us as Mom's place in a few minutes. Mom was so glad and surprised to see him...he had said he wouldn't be around for the entire week. The strange thing that I observed is that Mom called Mark by our Dad's name and as she went towards him, he freaked out and moved out of her path completely. It is clear that he doesn't want any physical contact with her. He looks like a heavier version of my Dad...so of course my Mom is drawn to him. It would be nice if he could try and be a little affectionate...but he doesn't have that ability to be close to Mom. I left them to have some lunch together and took off for work.

Sunday Sunday

Today was the usual Sunday routine...go to church and then head to Mom's for dinner. I knew going out there that I was exhausted....emotionally spent with her neediness and depression over my Dad's death. I just pointed the car north and drove out there hoping to make the best of it.

Dinner was good. I brought some fresh golden beets from our garden. Mom had prepared a beef roast. I baked a potato and made us salads. Dinner when pretty well...but I noticed that Mom didn't finish her meal. It is difficult for her to chew beef.

She insisted on buying it so my brother would have something to make sandwiches with when he stops by. Of course we bought the roast on Thursday morning and he informed her on Friday that he was going to be working on his house for the next week. He also told her not to call him there. Great..just great....now I am beginning to understand why she is upset. Despite the fact that she says he is mostly in a bad mood when he comes over and yells at her....she is upset that she won't see or talk to him for a week.

After dinner I cleaned up the kitchen and then took Mom to the pharmacy to get her drugs. She quizzed the pharmacist about her pneumonia vaccination. This happened last Thursday when we were in for her three month checkup. It turned out to be an ordeal because she didn't want it, wouldn't listen to the Doctor's reasons for giving it to her, demanded information about the cost despite the fact that Medicare will pay for it...on and on. I tried to reason with her but she told me point blank that I did not make her medical decisions. She finally gave in, but only after putting me, the Doctor, and the nurse through quite a bit of grief.

When I got her home, she and I went around about her constantly issuing directives....while I am cooking she tells me to do this or that in such a way that I just want to scream. I finally told her she needed to trust that I knew how to cook a meal and that it upset me that she was constantly ordering me about. This made her cry of course. I feel that she is vulnerable ...but I also feel that she is manipulative...and sometimes I just reach the end of my rope.

I called her later and apologized...explaining that I was just tired. She was ok with that and I rang off by telling her that I would call her when I got off work tomorrow. We are going out to dinner Tuesday night.

After I left, I called Pamela to debrief and then went over to a friend's and drank tea and had a few cookies. The life of a caregiver is exhausting. There are so many issues that come up....physical, emotional, cognitive....Mom is definitely more fragile and unsteady when she walks. She is still capable of packing a formidable emotional punch...and she can still be difficult to the point of absolute distraction.

Just breathe....Bonita. Tomorrow is another day....a new day....start again...repeat...Breathe...tomorrow is another day...a new day...start again.

Sunday Sunday

Today was the usual routine. Get up early, spend some time on the computer, eat breakfast and go to church. After church I drove out to Mom's apartment to have dinner with her. I knew when I was driving out there that I was feeling tired ...tired of the routine, tired of the responsibility, tired of dealing with all the quirky and difficult moments with Mom.

She has been on a roll since we went to the doctor last Thursday. Dr. Deans suggested that Mom get a pneumonia shot. She patiently explained to Mom that elderly people get really sick but don't always die from pneumonia. More likely, if she got sick she would end up in a nursing home. The words "nursing home" set Mom off into a difficult exchange about the cost of the shot, whether or not Medicaid would pay for it....no, she wouldn't get it, etc. I tried reasoning with her and she told me point blank that I don't make her medical decisions. She looked at all the paperwork and finally got enough information to satisfy her...reluctantly agreeing to get the vaccination.

Since then, she has informed me that she hates her doctor and the doctor's nurse...that the nurse hurt her when she gave her the shot...and that she is never going back there. In the meantime, she has been very emotional about my Dad being gone. She told me today that she had forgotten how to do things like cook, because Dad had taken that chore over years ago. Truth be told, Dad took over many chores years ago...because he liked to keep busy, and because Mom had aritritis in her hands. Now she is left, emotionally and physically alone without the person who created a safe life for her.

This is a picture of Mom with her "Pocket Talker". It amplifies sound so that she can hear people speak, or hear the TV. Dad bought for it her in the fall of 2006.

Our phone call this morning was about the same...me asking her the same questions: how she is doing, what she had for breakfast, how she is feeling. Mom has decided to stop taking the pain medication she was given after she got shingles. She has determined that she gets a headache a half hour after she takes the pills. She also contends that the pills are making her brain soft...which of course is not true. She also feels that her skull is getting spongy. I told her that she would need to discuss all of this with her doctor. That started a conversation we have had at least three times in the last 12 hours....I need to call and make her an appointment with her doctor.

The behavior that I have the hardest time dealing with is the theatrical high wavering voice. I asked her about it last week...thinking that perhaps she doesn't hear herself because of her hearing loss. She had no idea that her voice was high....but the doctor says it is all voluntary. It grates on me like nails on a chalkboard....because I do think she knows exactly how she sounds..and that she is just being a manipulative drama queen. She will not change...but I have to keep dealing with it and writing about it helps me get it out in the air.

This is a picture of my Dad's ashes and the photos of him that I look at almost every day.


Today was a hard day for Mom. When I got there to cook her dinner she told me she had been crying all day....missing Dad. I started showing her the flowers and the vegetables from our garden to get her focused on something positive. I also showed her the chocolate cream pie that I had brought for dessert. Since she was hungry, she was happy to sit at the table and eat the cucumber slices and radishes that I put out for her.

I cooked us a nice dinner: filet of sole, beets from our garden, corn on the cobb and we split a baked potato. She ate everything and also had a healthy piece of pie. After dinner I did the dishes ....even though Mom told me to leave them. It just takes me a few minutes to do them...and then she doesn't have to deal with a dirty kitchen the next morning. I got her to go sit on the sofa and watch the Olympics. I joined her when I was done. We sat and watched for awhile...Mom holding my hand.

When it was over I turned off the TV and that is when the tears started again. She misses my Dad so much...and wonders how much longer she is going to have to live like this. She wants to be alone, but complains of being lonely. She was crying and crying and all I could do was rub her back and try and convince her that Dad was still with her in spirit and that he was waiting for her.

I helped her get ready for bed, including taking off her underpants and helping her into her adult diapers for bed. I gave her a big hug and then left. She is really getting frailer and frailer...I don't know how much longer it is safe for her to live alone.

I left feeling completely exhausted....her grief dredges up my own grief and sorrow over my Dad's death. I wish he was still alive every day.

Woodland Park Zoo

I came up with the idea to take Mom to the zoo today. They have wheelchairs you can rent for only $5. Also, they have a new exhibit of pink flamingos. I thought it would be a good way to get Mom out of the house, give her some new sites and get a little fresh air. Pamela gets a huge discount through Microsoft, so we decided this would be a good outing for all of us.

Everything worked pretty well...except for her comments about people being so big...she has always had a thing about weight. She has always had a weight problem...but she also doesn't have that filter that prevents her from saying things out loud that she is thinking. When we were at the African dog exhibit, she said loud and clear "it looks dead". The dog was laying on it's side sleeping, but it clearly was not dead. On to the next exhibit. We say zebras, giraffes, hippos, komodo dragons, and a beautiful flock of pink flamingos.

After lunch we decided to go see the butterfly exhibit. This is where one of the most tender moments I have ever watched occurred as Mom held hands with a toddler laying down in her wagon as we passed with the wheelchair. I just stood there watching this gentle moment as Mom gently held the little girl's hand and talked quietly to her. I think Mom enjoyed seeing all the little kids most of all.

After that we headed back to the car as Mom was getting a little chilled. I wrapped the blanket I had brought around her and off we went. She wanted to go to the cemetery, and to buy a blouse, but by this time both Pamela and I were tired from pushing her around the zoo in the wheelchair. We dropped her at home with the bag of jellybeans that Pamela bought for her yesterday. She was planning on watching the Olympic Games this afternoon.

All in all...a successful outing for everyone.

Tuesday night dinner

I drove out to Mom's apartment for our usual Tuesday night dinner. She was sitting in her living room reading the paper when I arrived. I stood and watched her for a minute before she realized that I was there. As I started to fix the dinner she told me what she wanted. She had fixed a macaroni salad that needed the green onions I had picked up at the store. I was planning on making a BLT with the tomato and lettuce that I had picked up. Mom didn't want one...she said it is hard for her to eat bread and digest it unless it is just a piece of toast. I made her a green salad, some macaroni salad and a half ear of corn smothered in butter.

Once we were eating, she told me that my brother had come over for lunch earlier and yelled at her. She had called his house and talked to Lizzie. Mark does not want her to call his house at all. Something about waking Danny up..he is working nights at a restaurant. She was obviously upset and fearful of my brother while this was going on. I offered to talk to Mark, but she doesn't want him to stop coming to see her. It breaks my heart that she is willing to put up with this abuse just to see him a few minutes every week. It is their relationship and I have to detach from it.

Mom is having a hard week. This Friday, August 8th, would have been my parent's 61st wedding anniversary. She was pretty upset and said that my Dad was her life. So, does this mean she feels there is no life for her now? She said that she wasn't too hard to deal with as if it were a question. I told her that she had her moments just like everyone else. I hugged and kissed her and walked out the door....

Almost every time I see Mom these days, I come away emotionally exhausted. The one new agreement we have that will help a little is the abandonment of the morning check in phone call. It turns out that she worries about it...rushes to bathe and eat her breakfast in time for the 7:30am call. We renegotiated and have decided I will call after work rather than twice a day. A bit of respite...I will take what I can get.

The bed quest

Mom has it in her head that she needs a new queen sized bed. She looked at mattresses last weekend at the mall. She even laid down on several models. I keep trying to tell her that purchasing a new bed at her age is a waste of the funds she has left to live on. She has money, but I just think this is a pointless waste.

Pamela and I are going to go out to her place this afternoon and flip the top mattress. She says that her back is hurting when she lays on her bed. I think this is probably a problem with her back rather than the bed. She most likely has osteoporosis. Maybe this strategy will keep her happy for awhile.

Shopping at Northgate

Mom wanted to go shopping last Sunday at Northgate, an enclosed mall in Seattle. They have a kiosk there where I can borrow a wheelchair, so that makes it somewhat easier...or rather it would have been easier if the guy staffing the kiosk hadn't been 40 minutes late opening up. I had to flag down security and get them to make some calls before they were able to find the person who was supposed to be on duty. I had brought Mom in from the car after the first 20 minutes and left her seated on a sofa nearby. I finally got the wheelchair and we were off searching for all the things she was after.


Mom cannot go by a clothes sale rack to save her life...so there we were trying to get between all the racks with the wheelchair. We did find her a white coat on sale, a blouse, two pairs of pants and a bra. In each department I tried to cope with her desire to look at absolutely everything. At one point she started to cry because I was having trouble navigating in a tight space. These trips to the mall really wear me out...but it is one of the few activities that she is able to do now. After all the shopping, I took Mom down to the food court where we had fish and chips and some sodas. After lunch, she was ready to go...so I took her to the car, dropped off all the purchases, and then took the chair back.

Once we got home, she tried on everything...both to please herself and for me...if something didn't fit, I wanted to know it right away. Luckily, everything fit and she was happy with the day.

As I was driving home, I started to think that I just can't do these trips by myself much longer. She is a handful, the mall is pretty intense, and navigating is pretty stressful.

Sunday, July 20, 2008

Last Sunday I took Mom to the Strawberry Festival on Vashon Island. What she really wanted to do there was have me drive by my brother's house on the island. She desperately wants to be invited over by my brother, but that is not going to happen. He doesn't really want her there and his wife definitely does not want her there. I had very mixed feelings about driving her by the house but I did it just so she would stop talking about it. She liked seeing the little barn that my brother built for his daughter's horses, Reba and Buddy.

After that we drove back to the area where the festival was happening and found a parking place nearby. I put Mom in the wheelchair and then rolled her down the street to see the various booths. She was pretty hungry, so I rolled her off the main road to get to a local restaurant. She got pretty agitated when I took us off the main road, but I did it so that we would have a clearer path to the restaurant without having to dodge in and out of the crowd.

Luckily, the restaurant had a wheelchair ramp, so I managed to roll us up to the door...then hold the door while I rolled Mom into the restaurant. I got us situated at a table and then went to the bathroom. By this time, I was pretty hot and sweaty from being outside rolling my own body weight around in a wheelchair...meaning Mom. We ordered lunch and sat quietly eating. Mom got sick again and I jumped up to hold the napkin while she vomited part of her lunch into it. I got her cleaned up, and then paid the bill.

Afterwards, I took her back to the street fair where we watched a parade of classic automobiles. I loved that...and she seemed ok sitting in the sun at that point. After the show was over, I rolled her down the street again so she could get a strawberry shortcake. She was ready to go after that....so we headed back to the ferry. She seemed to enjoy the outing but was totally exhausted by the time I got her home. Our little adventure lasted from 8:30am until about 3:30pm. I was pretty wiped out as well...but she really needed to get out of her apartment.

Today, I will pick up a few groceries for Mom and head over there about noon to make her some lunch. She seems to comment a lot on how exhausted she feels....some of it is physical and some of it is emotional. I took her photos of her and my Dad on a cruise they took in 1987. That seemed to cheer her up.

Wednesday, July 9, 2008

I went out to make dinner for Mom last night. I walked all the way into her living room before she woke up and greeted me. There was something different about her but I couldn't put my finger on it. At first I thought that she had some kind of small stroke. She was complaining that she had a horrible headache all afternoon. She had taken her Nurotin during the afternoon so that should have tamped down the pain on the right side of her head from the shingles. Her face looked a little drawn...almost sunken in especially around the mouth. I got her set up to watch the news while I prepared our dinner.

Before preparing her dinner I planted the pink geranium that I brought over. She loved the color of it...and will do a good job of caring for it on the balcony.

I made our dinner...shepherd's pie....cantelope, little pieces of cake....coffee for Mom and cranberry juice mixed with 7Up for me. She seemed ravenous....eating two helpings of the main dish. All Mom had for lunch was a hotdog and some cheese and crackers. I am beginning to suspect that she is going to need more help around food. She just seemed a little more frail today. I got her laughing in the kitchen when we were cleaning up...we were toe to toe, face to face just laughing our heads off. Moments like that are wonderful.

She is still upset that my brother got angry with her last week. Mark did come over for lunch on Monday...so whatever it was that made him mad..it is over. I told Mom the best thing to do is not dwell on it and just move on. She seemed to agree....but when I went to leave she mentioned how upset she was by what happened. It grieves her that Mark doesn't really talk to her or allow her to hug him. There is nothing I can do about any of this..so I just gave her a big hug and left.

Sunday, July 6, 2008

This has been a long day and it is only 6:55pm. Woke up early at 4:30am and couldn't get back to sleep. Puttering around the house, doing laundry, drinking tea...then off to church at 9:30am. As is my usual routine, I drove out to Mom's after church to make her dinner. I also had another tower fan for her that needed a little assembly.

I made corn on the cob, mashed potatoes, and filet of sole. Mom had wanted to buy a huge ham slice, but I reminded her that she had gotten sick the last time she tried to swallow ham. She loved the filet of sole...so my substitution for the ham worked. She had made a fruit and jello salad for dessert. It was a good meal and she kept all of it down.

I put the fan together while Mom watched the Olympic trials on TV. I am glad the Summer Olympics are happening this year. It will give her something to watch on TV that she seems to enjoy. After I got the fan put together we placed it where she wanted it to be in her bedroom. Then I shifted gears to figure out why her "Pocket Talker" wasn't working. Luckily it was not a major problem, just needed new batteries, For those who don't know what a "Pocket Talker" is...it is an amplifier that uses headphones and a microphone to enhance sound. Mom got hers while Dad was still alive. I took them both the Speech and Deafness Clinic to get it. It seems to help Mom at the Doctor's office and when she is watching TV.

Today Mom said at the end of our visit that she couldn't manage without me. It is true but I don't like to dwell on it. I am just doing the best I can in a tough situation. She is lonely and lost without my Dad. She doesn't really want to keep living, but she has no way of knowing when her death will finally happen ...which for a control freak like Mom is very difficult to accept.

Tomorrow starts another week....work, twice daily phone calls to Mom, fixing dinner at Mom's on Tuesday night, my own therapy appt. on Monday night. I will just have to take it all one day at a time...on step at a time.

Saturday, July 5, 2008

I spent time with Mom yesterday morning. Mark took over the Thursday morning visit for me this week. I thought Mom sounded a little upset on the phone Thursday night, but didn't find out why until Friday morning at breakfast. Mark has basically yelled and cursed her out the day before when he was there to help with her shopping. Mom has this habit of asking lots of questions....about our lives, our finances, etc. I find this a little disconcerting sometimes because I really don't want to discuss my finances with Mom. She tends to quiz my brother about his children. His oldest son, Danny, had talked to Mom on the phone one day and gave her the information that his younger brother Josh was living with his girlfriend. This is just the kind of information that sets Mom off. I know she said something that pissed Mark off..believe me, I have been in the same place with her many times. She told him that we didn't want any Catholics in the family....assuming that Josh's girlfriend is Catholic. How she made this connection is beyond me...as I have never met the girl.

Mark basically told her that his children don't know her...which hurt her feelings. She and Dad have been sending gifts and money to all three kids for over 20 years. The only reason that Mark's kids don't know their grandparents well is because Mark and his wife have never really allowed them in their lives. Mom feels that she is just going to stop giving gifts and money. I know she tries to control people in any way she can, including giving or withholding money. However, if Mark really didn't want his children to be around Mom and Dad he should never have allowed the kids to accept the money.

Mom said that Mark acted "crazy' on Thursday. Well...the fruit never falls far from the tree. I have long believed that Mom and Mark are a lot alike....and that is why they can't get along. Dad and I often laughed about it and agree that they were two peas in a pod. Mark definitely has some issues that he has not worked out around Mom. She is a challenge...no doubt about it. I just try to do what I can and step away when it gets to be too much.

Monday, June 23, 2008

Tomorrow is the anniversary of Dad's death one year ago. It is so hard to believe that it has been a year and that he is really gone. His voice and the way he looked at the world is still with me. He confidence in me and the way he always saw the positive side of any situation is still with me. I just wish that he was still with me.

Mom told me yesterday that the Russians are controlling our weather. This fits right into a book I just finished by Virginia Holman: Rescuing Patty Hearst. It is all about being taken to a family cabin for three years by her schizophrenic mother. It is a really powerful book. While life with my Mom was never that extreme, she still believes things like "the Russians are controlling our weather".

Sunday evening

Mom managed to go off the handle today. For some reason known only to her, she refused to come over for lunch with us today. Maybe it was her getting on my last nerve over my church and my political choices. I told her that I have had it with her on going commentary on my life. Anyway, she refused to come over...so Pamela and I had a wonderful lunch outside on our patio on a beautiful sunny day.

I need a break from Mom. My patience with her is definitely worn thin. I can barely stand to listen to her theatrical old lady voice that she modulates up and down. The doctor told me that it is a voluntary thing...so she has complete control of it. I am tired of her demanding and judgmental nature. I just need a break.

Father's Day 2008

Father's Day

This is my first Father's Day without Dad. I woke up thinking that this time last year, Dad had 9 more days to live. I think of him, there in the nursing home, and wonder how I got through those tough days. I think his attitude helped me...as it always had throughout my life. He was pragmatic...and calm about his condition and his eventual death. He kept saying "No one has come back complaining". He never really complained about his pain...except when it was hard for him to sit comfortably. I think the tumors moved into his spine. He wasn't on liquid morphine until the last two days. He talked less, but still did pretty well when it came to eating. Then he was gone. Seeing him that Sunday afternoon that he died was a strange experience...but I felt no fear or caution around him. He had helped prepare me for that moment...and when it came, I felt compelled to trim his mustache...to do one more thing for him.

We had many happy Father's Days...always a card and a good conversation. I found a card that I gave him that expresses a lot of what I feel about my Dad...here is what it says:

Thank you for letting me know I could always count on you, that you believed in me, and you'd stand by me, no matter what.

Thank you for encouraging the dreamer in me, for loving me through each and every fad and phase, and for accepting my ideas when they are different from your own...

Thank you for having faith during the times when I had to do it on my own, and for being there when things didn't work out exactly how I thought they would. Thank you for all that you are-my wonderful, wise and loving Father.

So, Happy Father's Day, Dad. I am so grateful that you were and continue to be my Dad.

love,
Bonita

Dad and I in Arizona

I made many trips to Arizona over the years to visit with Mom and Dad. Sometimes everything would go well...other times Mom would do something that would just be too much for me to handle. One time she laid out an article by my plate at breakfast from Dear Abby all about gay people. It was not an especially positive column and it just made me so mad that I decided to leave early. Dad was great about it...he took me to the airport, paid the extra $25 and put me on the plane. He was very understanding about my decision.

One very special memory I have is when I went to visit in the fall of 1980. I was getting ready to entry graduate school but had planned the trip so that I could see both of them before I started school. Dad and I took a car trip for about 4 days. We drove to Chama, NM and took a single gauge railroad ride into Colorado. We drove to the Four Corners, arriving near sunset and just took in the beauty of that place. We also visited a professor of mine from college on the Indian Reservation where she was doing some research. It was a fantastic trip. I made a short 8 mm film of our railroad ride. I will never forget how much we enjoyed that time together.

Happy Father's Day, Dad

I was always sure that Dad enjoyed being a parent. He loved me and he loved my brother. Dad and I really were on the same wavelength. We understood each other on a deeper level. When I was an adult he confirmed this for me by acknowledging that we had been friends for a long time. Note the use of the word "friend" over Dad and daughter. He saw us as equals...joint survivors and support for each other.

One thing Dad did for me when I was a child was to help me understand and learn to navigate in our family. He would explain things to me as early as third grade about what was happening with Mom.

I always felt like he was there for me...no matter what. He was the one who picked me up off the gravel road in back of our house. A bunch of us were spying on a guy who appeared to be emptying his liquor bottles in a vacant lot across from our house. When everyone turned around, I fell and ended up with a mouth full of gravel. I remember him running out, picking me up and carrying me home over his shoulder as blood streamed down his white dress shirt.

I have so many memories that flash by as I write this. I think in memory of him and in honor of this first Father's Day without him, I will write about a memory of him each day this weekend.

Mom and Dad, August 8, 1947

This is Mom and Dad's wedding picture. They were married in Seattle, Washington on August 8, 1947.

Friday, June 13, 2008

I had forgotten that this Sunday is Father's Day until I went to pick up my new glasses. Suzy, the woman who always helps me find the best glasses gave me a big hug after fitting my new pair and said that she would be thinking of me this Father's Day. This is the first one without Dad. I am doing better overall with his death, but I still miss his calm and supportive presence.

I see that I have become that calm and supportive person for my Mom. I was busy doing other things this morning...going into work early so I could leave early today. I completely forgot to phone Mom ...which is something I do every morning...around 7:30am. I noticed that I had a voicemail on my cell from my brother. His message was that Mom had called him and was really upset and agitated that I had not called this morning. I called Mom and could tell right away that she was over the top with worry. She was just about to call the police when I called her. She had imagined all kinds of dire things that could have happened. I calmly explained that I had just gotten busy and had forgotten to call. I went over this several times with her until she was able to calm down a bit. I rang off by promising that I would call around 4:30pm.

This episode tells me that Mom needs the routines I have established with her. A phone call in the morning and another after I get off work. Tuesday evening I go out and make dinner. Thursday morning I take her to the store or the doctor or whatever else she needs to do. Sunday afternoon we either have dinner at her house or I take her someplace for dinner. She counts on all of these things to make her world manageable. She needs the routine.

No wonder I am tired all the time. I am trying to manage to have my own life and career and relationship...while being the daily anchor in this world for Mom.

Monday, June 2, 2008

My Father lived and died on the altar of my Mother's illness.

Sixty years spent creating a world that she could live in safely. All the while putting up with her fears, paranoid thoughts, irrational behavior and still caring for her. He loved her or he loved taking care of her. His only stated reason for all those years of care was her role as the mother of his children. That was enough for him to take on this huge task. I marvel at his courage to this day. I wonder how he could have survived and even thrived with a positive attitude all those years in such a chaotic environment.

It is not accurate to say that Mom has no positive qualities. She was and is a prisoner of her personality disorder. She loved and still loves my Father. She told me that he never let her down. It is all so complicated and yet so simple all at the same time. I will never fully understand their relationship. I believe that they experienced times of great happiness...and great upheaval. I know there was physical and psychological abuse directed towards my Father. I know my Mother often called me to talk through an argument that she had had with my Father. I know so much and so little....all at the same time.

As I approach the one year anniversary of my Father's death, I know that I miss him every day. I also know that I am doing the last thing that I promised him I would do ...taking care of my Mother. I know he is cheering me on, in my corner, in my ear saying that I am doing a great job.....doing all that I can to help my Mother...the woman who is the mother of his children.

Sunday, June 1, 2008

Macy, our rat terrier/corgi cross looking like part of an OP Art rug design....

Sunday, June 1, 2008

I have been up since 6:15am. I love the quiet of the morning. I feed the dogs, let them out and then they go back to bed. North, our cat, runs around the house as fast as he can and then he settles down somewhere. I read my email, look at the local newspaper online, and just enjoy being the only one awake in the house.

I am going to church this morning and then to Mom's apartment. She has had a tough time for the last two days. She is so lonely, but so resistant to being with anyone but me, Pamela and my brother. I am losing patience with her. I know she would do better if she was in assisted living....even if she does look at it as being "supervised" living. The fact of the matter is that she could benefit from a little supervision.

I am looking at an apartment closer to our house. She wants to leave the apartment she is in because she doesn't like looking at the balconies at the apartment next door. People store a lot of stuff on their balconies and she finds it "ugly". I am ok with moving her closer...it will save me time and gas usage. I am not willing to keep moving her every year as my Dad did the first 10 years they lived in Arizona..or the last two years they lived there after they sold their condo. Mom always thinks the grass is greener somewhere else...when in fact it is the same damn grass! I think part of her personality disorder feeds into this need to keep moving. I am willing to do one more move for her..but after that..if she wants to move she will have to go into assisted living.

I am feeling worn out and impatient with Mom these days. She does nothing but complain...about her situation, missing Dad, not understanding his death...blah, blah, blah. She has been supportive of my new job which is great...but all the other stuff just wears me down.

I will go and take her to dinner today..she enjoys getting out of the house. Maybe church this morning will restore me a bit and give me the strength I need for this day.

Monday, May 26, 2008

Today is Memorial Day. We had Mom over for brunch today: a fritata, potatoes, spicy shrimp and grits, pasta salad, watermelon, juice and coffee. Mom did ok for most of the meal, but then had to get up and vomit again. She swore she didn't lose her whole meal. I tried to stay in the bathroom with her for awhile, but finally had to leave after a few minutes.

She needed a lot of help today...getting in and out of the car, walking to the house, getting up the stairs. After brunch and getting sick, she sat in the big chair in the living room and rested for awhile. When she felt better, we all left to take her for a drive through West Seattle. She is looking for an apartment on this end of town. It would make my life a little easier, but she is totally out of touch on the cost of things like apartments.

We ended our time together by taking her to Rite Aid to get a few things. Pamela helped me get her upstairs. I unpacked her groceries and put eyedrops in her right eye. She says that her head is draining liquid into her nose. She has some sinus trouble going on, most likely allergies to blooming plants and tree pollen. She is still taking the Gabapentin for her shingles.

After we left, I was totally exhausted. Mom is so needy and negative. She has always been negative, but now her sadness and unhappiness with her life are very hard to be around for very long. It is always harder to bear when Pamela is around because I know that she is being a good sport by helping me. I also know that she can't wait for the visit to end. I don't blame her, it is hard for me to deal with Mom's negativity too.

Tuesday, May 20, 2008

I drove over to Mom's apartment after work this evening to make her dinner. Tuesday night, Thursday morning and Sunday afternoon ....that is our new schedule.

Even though I just started a new job, I got them to agree to me being off one morning a week. I noticed the first week on the job that Mom was not doing well with the new 40 hour schedule that I was working. There was some push back from my new job, but I still need to have varied times that I am with Mom. She counts on me being there and looks forward to every visit.

Tonight she had trouble getting her dinner down again. She insisted that she was not throwing up food. She said it was all mucous. I have no idea what is going on with her medically and she has become increasingly resistant to seeing her doctor.

After dinner we talked about Dad again...she still cannot understand why Dad did not talk to her about not feeling well. I had a thought about that after I left her place. Maybe Dad wanted to have his illness and death to himself. He had chosen to take care of Mom for 60 years of his life. She is not an easy person to be with day in and day out. My memory of living with her is that there was no privacy....she had to know everything that I was doing....it felt invasive and oppressive to me. I am sure that Dad felt tired of all of that as his health declined. I know he talked to me about how he felt. Maybe he was trying to protect Mom...that is what he had done for years...protected her from the world that she was unable to live in successfully due to her personality disorder. Maybe it was none of these things...maybe Dad was just worn out and didn't have the energy to talk much anymore. I know Mom will never get over his death...and is now predicting that she will only live another year.

Tuesday, May 6, 2008

I drove out to Mom's apartment tonight and took dinner with me. I made us filet of sole, stuffed potatoes and fruit. She was so glad to see me and have a home cooked meal. She keeps talking about how it "won't be much longer". She is definitely weaker and struggling more with being alone. I wish I could get her into assisted living...at least she would have hot meals and people around.

We are having her over for breakfast on Mother's Day this Sunday. She is really looking forward to it.

Thursday, May 1, 2008

I ended up going over to Mom's apartment this afternoon because she sounded really down when I called her. She said she had been crying. She was pretty depressed when I arrived...missing Dad, wanting me to explain the sequence of what happened to him last May when he got sick. She still doesn't understand why Dad didn't say anything to her about his health. I tried to explain that he may not have known how sick he was, or he may not have wanted to admit that he was ill. We will never know. I sat with her for about a half hour and then had to leave to beat the rush hour traffic across the city. She doesn't want to last too much longer, but she won't do anything I suggest to improve her situation. All I can do is try and be there when she needs me.

Wednesday, April 30, 2008

We are in a new place today with Mom's health. She had been complaining that her left big toe was hurting...so she decided to go to my podiatrist. Once I got her there and the shoes and socks were off, we all discovered that she had a bruise or dried blood under her toenail. We also noticed that she was involuntarily flexing her toe up and down and did not even know it. She had been banging her toe on the roof of her shoes...hence the bruise or dried blood under the toenail. The doctor said it was not something to be very concerned about unless the area under her toenail became infected, which would mean the removal of the toenail. In the meantime, his solution was for her to wear open toed shoes and slippers so she is not banging her toe on the top of her shoes.

He asked me some questions...about what other things I might have noticed. I told him that Mom had adopted kind of a shuffling gait in the last month or so. He put that together with the involuntary flexing of the big toe and surmised that she may have had a mild stroke or it could be the beginning of Parkinson's disease. I explained all this to Mom after we left because she couldn't hear much of what he was saying. She didn't seem too phased by any of it...but it is hard for me to know exactly how much she takes in and understands.

Afterwards, I treated her to coffee and a cinnamon roll at my favorite French bakery. I wanted her to have a good association with going to the doctor...which is something she usually avoids at all cost. Afterwards, I took her home and did her laundry and made lunch for us, including my brother who stopped by today. After he left and I finished the laundry, I drove up to Sears and bought Mom two new pairs of shoes with an open toe. She liked one of them and and I returned the other pair on my way home.

My big concern right now is that I am starting a full time job next Monday. I have tried to reassure Mom that I will still be around to help her out. Most likely, I will have dinner with her one night a week and spend Sunday afternoon with her. She is getting weaker all the time...and talks a lot about being tired and not lasting too much longer. I never know what to say to this so I just listen.

Friday, April 18, 2008

Mom and I had a interesting conversation yesterday after we got back from shopping at a local mall. She was complaining about being lonely and I mentioned that she has resisted every suggestion I have brought up about finding a more appropriate living situation...meaning a senior citizen condo etc. She said that is was better for her to live alone. I asked how that could be when she gets so lonely and upset in her apartment. She told me that she didn't want to be "supervised". I practically fell off my chair laughing. I told her that I didn't "supervise" her and she agreed that was why we got along so well. So...she wants to be on her own as long as she can and be totally "unsupervised". I am going to give up on trying to get her to think about another healthier living situation.

Sunday, April 13, 2008

Mom is struggling with problems in her esophagus again. I took her a quiche on Friday afternoon...but she couldn't keep anything down. She vomited several times while I was there...all food that she had tried to eat before I arrived with the quiche. She still will not even consider having the procedure that will stretch her esophagus. No matter how many times I explain it to her and how it will help...the answer is always the same "NO". I am kind of at my wits end on this front. It may get worse ...it may just be episodic like it is now. I have to let this go.

Overall, she is doing pretty well otherwise. Her cholesterol test came back and it was great. Her medications have been changed a bit for two prescriptions...the Glipiside is now 5mg a day instead of 10mg and her water pill is 5mg a day instead of 25mg a day. She told her doctor that she was only taking the water pill every other day because it made her go to the bathroom all day and all night. She seems to be managing her medications. The shingles is still a problem. She is still taking Gabapentin. She had a dizzy spell yesterday but I don't know what to attribute it to. She said she was on a step ladder changing her winter and spring shoes around in her closet...she got dizzy and then sat down for half an hour. I encouraged to keep doing that whenever she gets dizzy...emphasizing that I don't want her to fall.

Tomorrow morning I will take her shopping and to the bank.

Sunday, March 23, 2008

I picked Mom up today to bring her to the house for Easter dinner. She was all dressed in her new black Easter hat, boiled wool raspberry jacket, black turtleneck and black pants...and her black Italian shoes. She looked fantastic.

Mom was feeling a little weak when I picked her up. We drove by her mother's grave at the cemetery to see the Easter lily I had placed there earlier this morning. She cried and said "'Poor Mom" but did not explain the meaning of her words. When we got to the house I brought her in through the basement so she could see all the progress Mark has made on the downstairs renovation.

Pamela helped me get Mom up the stairs and get her seated at the table We served dinner right away as she was hungry. Easter lunch was...chicken, mashed potatoes, gravy, coleslaw, homemade macaroni and cheese...and some delicious cheesecake. She began to have trouble swallowing her food immediately. She then proceeded to vomit 4 or 5 times ..each time we came running with a plastic bag. I cleaned her up and finally got her to the bathroom. It was hard to move her as she kept getting sick. I got her all washed up after she got sick in the bathroom and took her back to the table. She said that she was tired so I suggested she sit down in the big club chair and put her feet up for awhile and take a little nap. Pamela brought her a blanket and she drifted off for a little while.

When she woke up I told her that I was concerned and if this kept happening I would need to take her to the hospital. She would not hear of that and insisted on returning to the table for her cheesecake...which she again threw up. At this point, I got her cleaned up again and got her to drink a little water. I was thinking that her weakness was really related to dehydration. We brought out her Easter baskets and she enjoyed looking at all the treats we had selected for her.

We packed up some leftovers for her to take home along with her Easter treats and helped her into the car. She was ashamed and embarrassed by what had happened during dinner. I told her not to worry about it...but to think about taking smaller bites, drinking more water while she ate and just taking it all a little slower. When I got her home I put all the leftovers away. I put her Easter card and candies out for her to see. I hugged her and kissed her goodbye and told her I would call her by 6pm. When I called she was fully recovered. She said she had managed to have one of the hot cross buns I had bought for her along with a cup of coffee.

I am pretty exhausted from all of this. I wish she would have the procedure to stretch her esophagus...but she refuses. Mom's health seems to be more of an issue every day.

Saturday, March 16, 2008

Pamela and I went out and had Sunday lunch with Mom today. She did a pretty good job of getting the majority of the meal together. We finished up with a couple of things and then we served the meal. Mom had trouble eating the beef roast again...and had to leave the table a couple of times. I think her esophagus is still giving her trouble but she will not even consider having the procedure that was recommended a couple of months ago.

While I washed the dishes, Mom and Pamela looked at a gardening magazine and talked about the plans that we have for the backyard. We left after that because Mom appeared to be pretty fatigued and wanted to take a nap.

Her edema comes and goes and her breathing seems more labored after she does any physical activity. I need to get her to the doctor early in April for a cholesterol test and to have her checkup. She also needs to have her medicines renewed. Hopefully, she will go along with this willingly and not get upset again with the doctor.

Saturday, February 23, 2008

The last week and a half have been very rough with Mom. She has been verbally hurtful and very combative. She told me that Dad couldn't wait to get away from me...this on the day that both her homophobia and racism reared their ugly heads again. I got really mad and threw her washing card at her feet and stomped out. I didn't talk to her for a day and a half...until she called me sounding small and weak. I don't know what the heck is going on with her. I have tried to maintain some distance in the last week out of self protection. She hasn't been doing as well as a result.

I went over to make her dinner tonight and bring her a few things she needed. She seemed really upset and depressed when I got there, but also kind of detached. Being alone in that apartment hour after hour can't be good for her...but she won't consider another healthier living situation for seniors. I tried to get her to talk about her feelings but she refuses to talk in any real depth. She did tell me that she hasn't slept well in the past couple of nights because of waking up a lot to go to the bathroom. I got her settled on the couch and told her to take a nap while I prepared dinner. She dozed a little but didn't really sleep.

She liked dinner and ate everything. While I washed up I encouraged her to get her nightgown on and prepare herself for bed. By the time I had the dishes done and the kitchen cleaned up she was sitting on the side of the bed. I sat down next to her and put my arm around her..she folded into me and I talked for a few minutes about how it is hard to accept that Dad is gone. I told her he had a long and interesting life with his work and his family, but that his body had finally given out on him. I told her that he did not necessarily want to die. I left her by saying that I would call in the morning and check in on her.

It strikes me that Mom deteriorates a bit when I don't contact her and visit her on a regular schedule. I have to put something in place for next week as I am flying to San Francisco with a friend for a few days of relaxation. Pamela said she would help out. I need some time away from all the stress ..but she needs regular care too.

Tuesday, February 12, 2008

I feel as though I am going through a major test of my faith...my bearings are so different right now than they have ever been in my life that I have trouble even recognizing this as my life. So much has changed that I sometime flounder around looking for any familiar landmark. So...I make landmarks for myself...simple ones like walking the dogs...or going to this particular grove of evergreens at Lincoln Park that remind me of a cathedral. I guess I am learning to appreciate the "disassembled life" that is mine right now. I always put a lot of energy and time into my career whether I was a librarian or a organizational development coordinator. Now...I am neither and am having a tough time without that professional identity. Eventually things will all fall into place..but for now I just have to flounder around and make the best of it.

Mom is suddenly very concerned about her blood pressure and her diet. She informed me today that she needed to cut down on eating pastries....because of her diabetes. This is big news....as she has never let her diabetes stop her from eating anything. She also bought a wrist blood pressure cuff...and takes her blood pressure every day now. Her systolic pressure is higher than it has been for awhile...but overall I think she is doing pretty well.

Sunday, January 27, 2008

Dad would have been 88 today....I woke up and decided to wear his shoes today as a way of keeping him close all day. I always wear his wedding ring which always make me think of him. Dad and I have the same basic physique..same size hands and feet. The more I look at myself, the more I see my Dad in my face. Most people would say I look like my Mom, but I am beginning to look more like my Dad as I age...especially the dimples that are turning into deeper facial lines.

I really missed Dad all day today. I am glad that we celebrated his last birthday here at the house. He wanted Pamela to make his favorite baked chicken dinner. It was kind of a low key birthday as I recall, but I was so happy to have him here in Seattle spending time with us.

Since Mom has been having a tough time all week and is feeling really alone, Pamela and I decided to get her out of the apartment and take her to dinner. She insisted on treating us, but the main objective was to keep her occupied for a few hours and having a little fun. At one point in the meal she even smiled and talked to another gentleman in the restaurant who was about her age. Imagine that...my Mom kind of flirting ....

I called her this evening and she was back to being teary about Dad being gone. I think that this first year with all the markers....all the firsts is going to continue to be hard for all of us.

Friday, January 24, 2008

This has been an emotional week for Mom. Dad's birthday is on Sunday, January 27th and she has been pretty focused on that all week. She has cried several times and still doesn't understand why Dad never told her how sick he was near the end of his life. I have tried and tried and tried to explain to her that Dad wouldn't have wanted to worry her. What I don't tell her is that I think Dad knew something was wrong but may have been in denial about it himself.

I have been pretty focused on my job search but have managed to see Mom twice this week....Tuesday morning and Thursday evening. Pamela and I are going out to dinner with Mom on Sunday afternoon so that she can have something different to do, rather than be upset about Dad not being alive for his 88th birthday.

Tuesday, January 15, 2008

Went out to Mom's for breakfast this morning and then took her grocery shopping. I brought her some homemade muffins as she likes baked goods so much.

She seemed to do pretty well in the store...convinced her to try a few new items...steamed vegetables that can be done in a microwave and a new sub sandwich. She liked the ride to the store..even though there was snow and ice one the ground, the sun was shining and felt warm.

After I got us back to her apartment, I unloaded all the groceries..put everything away, went down to load money on her laundry card and put in a load of rugs to wash. Mark, my brother was expected for lunch, so I started making the spaghetti. Mom got kind of emotional while I was cooking...almost in tears as she told me how proud Dad would be of me.

Mark arrived on time, was his usual barely verbal self, and we all ate lunch together. Mom is just starved for news of his life and his family...so she asked him a bunch of questions about Josh, Danny and Lizzie. I asked a few questions myself at which point Mark got kind of miffed about all the questions. If he would just offer to be part of a conversation we wouldn't have to quiz him.

After he left, I cleaned up the kitchen, did the dishes and helped Mom retrieve a box to put all her Christmas decorations away in for the year. She got kind of emotional after Mark left....saying how much she hated it in Seattle..how she was going to go back to Arizona ...on and on and on. I finally told her that it was not possible for her to return to Arizona....that she was making a hard situation even harder for me. She said that she wasn't trying to make it harder....but that she was capable of being on her own. She then accused me of selling her car. I sold the car because we thought we would need the money to pay for Dad's care. I reminded her of this...and finally just told her that I thought she should spent some time relaxing and then put away her Christmas decorations.

After I left I just felt emotionally exhausted. I decided to go for a drive outside the city....just to get away for awhile. Tomorrow is a new day...I will check in with Mom in the morning.

God, grant me the patience, persistence and loving kindness to deal with this situation to the best of my ability.