Tuesday, May 20, 2008

Tuesday, May 20, 2008

I drove over to Mom's apartment after work this evening to make her dinner. Tuesday night, Thursday morning and Sunday afternoon ....that is our new schedule.

Even though I just started a new job, I got them to agree to me being off one morning a week. I noticed the first week on the job that Mom was not doing well with the new 40 hour schedule that I was working. There was some push back from my new job, but I still need to have varied times that I am with Mom. She counts on me being there and looks forward to every visit.

Tonight she had trouble getting her dinner down again. She insisted that she was not throwing up food. She said it was all mucous. I have no idea what is going on with her medically and she has become increasingly resistant to seeing her doctor.

After dinner we talked about Dad again...she still cannot understand why Dad did not talk to her about not feeling well. I had a thought about that after I left her place. Maybe Dad wanted to have his illness and death to himself. He had chosen to take care of Mom for 60 years of his life. She is not an easy person to be with day in and day out. My memory of living with her is that there was no privacy....she had to know everything that I was doing....it felt invasive and oppressive to me. I am sure that Dad felt tired of all of that as his health declined. I know he talked to me about how he felt. Maybe he was trying to protect Mom...that is what he had done for years...protected her from the world that she was unable to live in successfully due to her personality disorder. Maybe it was none of these things...maybe Dad was just worn out and didn't have the energy to talk much anymore. I know Mom will never get over his death...and is now predicting that she will only live another year.

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