Saturday, December 30, 2007

Picked up Mom today after church for lunch at Chinook's. Pamela graciously agreed to come with me...I felt like I needed her there for a little extra help and support. Mom was in a mood right away when I told her that we had a date to meet a friend for a movie at 4:15pm. She doesn't like it when my time with her is not open ended.

Mom had been watching a golf tournament with Tiger Woods. She started talking about how Tiger Woods had married a Swedish woman and they had a black child. She gets on this track which is very racist and I got really fed up with it. I told her to knock off the racist talk while I was walking her into the restaurant. Pamela was already inside getting a table. I explained to her that talking like that hurt Pamela's feelings and was just inappropriate. She lashed out at me and told me that I didn't have to come take her places anymore. Thus began our lovely Sunday lunch.

After lunch we took her to Rite Aid where she continued to be a bitch...telling me to run around asking the employees for the prices of items. She reads all the circulars looking for sales but gets confused as to which store has which sales. Of course, some of the things she wanted were on sale and others were not on sale. I finally just walked away from her for awhile and caught up with her at the cash register. She asked me where the calendars were...so off I went to find them...picked out two she would like and took them to her in line ....where she complained about how expensive they were. I took them back to their shelf.

Afterwards, we took her home and dropped her off. I won't see her until Thursday when I will take her to Fred Meyer so she can buy some culotte socks. Her feet are swelling and she needs larger socks.

I am exhausted with her today and need a break from her negativity, critical behavior and abuse.

We ended our day by seeing National Treasure with friends and having a wonderful rollicking laughter filled dinner. One of our friends has a mother that drives her crazy too....so that was good to hear....that I am not the only one dealing with a difficult parent.

Wednesday, December 26, 2007

Mom made it through Christmas. I picked her up about 1:30pm and took her to the cemetery to place a poinsettia on her Mother's grave. Her tears flowed as I placed the flower in the middle of the wreath I had left for Grandma a couple of weeks ago. The snow on the ground made it so pretty as we drove around looking at all the beautiful flowers and wreaths people had left in memory of their loved ones.

As we drove up to the house Mom got a chance to see the outside lighting I have been working on for the last several weeks. I have to say, it looked pretty good..with the deer, the Snoopy Santa, the kids from Peanuts singing, and the magnolia tree full of lights.

Pamela was finishing dinner which was good because Mom was hungry. We had a Honey Bee Ham dinner....ham, potatoes au gratin, green bean casserole and sweet potato souffle. We had cheesecake from the Cheesecake Factory that my brother had brought Mom for Christmas.

We opened presents next....Mom was totally surprised by all the gifts..an angel snow globe with music, a long shoe horn for getting her boots on, a nightgown, Frango chocolates, Daniel Green slippers (these were a huge hit), gingerbread cookies, and a handmade muffler from Pamela. After all of the excitement of presents and dinner, Mom wanted to go home.

The ride home was pretty hard. Mom cried ....big sobs...she feels so alone without Dad by her side. I have to say, I feel tremendous empathy for her...but she also drives me to distraction. We both tried to talk to her again about moving into an assisted living situation closer to us. She refuses to consider it.

She insisted on dragging her strong box with her important papers to our house and then back to her apartment. She thinks people are going into her apartment and stealing her things. I cannot convince her otherwise. This is the part where her paranoia really starts to drain me. Once I got her home and had unloaded all the presents, the strong box and the food that Pamela had packed up for her, I got her medicine and put her eye drops in her right eye. She continues to be in a lot of pain from the shingles.

Before I left, I arranged all of her food and gifts on her dining room table and on a chair by her Christmas tree. I thought it would be easier for her to pick up her gifts if she didn't have to bend down. I hugged her goodnight and left with a heavy heart. I wish the situation was easier for both of us...but especially for Mom. She is so lost, so alone, so frail. I have to keep reminding myself that she is choosing to live like this ...isolated in an apartment.

Friday, December 14, 2007

I wish Mom had gone through with the endoscopy. I went out there last night to have dinner with her and she was not able to keep any of her food down. I suspect that she is no longer able to eat beef...it is just too difficult for her to chew and swallow. I got her some canned fruit and tried to encourage her to eat it. She had a few bits and then vomited again. I then encouraged her to take a small drink of water so she could get her night time pain medicine down to help the pain associated with shingles. She drank the water...took the pill and then vomited that up as well. She has lost 5 pounds since August when we started charting her weight.

I am going to make an appointment with her doctor. She agreed to go but told me not to say anything to the doctor about what is going on...she says she doesn't want anything done to alleviate the situation. I don't know if this is depression...or if she is just giving up. I think I am morally obligated to be forthcoming with her doctor. Navigating Mom's health issues are not easy.

Tuesday, December 11, 2007

Well....I thought Mom and I had a pretty productive day and then the phone rang. I had taken her to the bank and to do some shopping earlier in the day. She wanted to go to the bank to shift money from savings into a CD. That all seemed reasonable to me, so I took her, sat with her and assisted her in the process. Mostly, all I did was repeat things to her that she had trouble hearing. After that we went back to her place, I made lunch and we sat and talked for awhile.

Later in the afternoon, just as I arrived home the phone rang. Mom was screaming into the phone saying the banker had made a mistake on her bank print out. She had asked for a print out of all her accounts. On the paper my name and address were listed because I am also on the account. I tried to tell her this, but she insisted that this was wrong and that she needed to go back to the bank. Having just been through another bank drama with her last week, I was in no mood for her temper tantrum or her demands. I hung up on her and called the bank to find out what was going on. As I suspected, I was right...I am on the print out because I am on the account. I called Mom back to explain this to her, but she persisted in saying there was some mistake. I finally just laid it on the line and told her there was no mistake and that if she wanted to go to the bank to have Mark take her on Wednesday when he comes for lunch. I know full well that Mark won't take her to the bank, he barely sees her or talks to her.

It is just so exhausting to deal with Mom ...she creates chaos where there is none. She is suspicious and paranoid all the time. I know this is all the result of her personality disorder, but I just get so tired of dealing with it. I am also beginning to suspect that she may have a little dementia...it is difficult for her to understand things and she is forgetting words a lot lately. I have new respect for what my Dad put up with all those years in Arizona....

Friday, December 7, 2007

The drama continues with Mom. She woke me up at 7:00am this morning yelling at me about the damn receipt I took her from the cemetery for their plot. The receipt was made out to me instead of her...even though she was the one who paid with a check for the remainder of the balance. She was very upset and kept repeating that she was going to call the Better Business Bureau and how the parent company of the cemetery located in Texas could sue her. None of it made any sense...but it was a heck of a way to wake up. I am just exhausted with her dramas, her fears, her depression.

I went out and had dinner with her last night because she seemed to be having a really hard day. Dinner was fine, but I noticed that once I was there she didn't seem that interested in interacting. She just ate her meal in silence. I think she just needs a warm body in the room with her. After dinner we did a little Christmas decorating and talked about Dad. We both cried thinking about him and how much we miss him.

I am so exhausted from my own grieving and trying to deal with Mom all the time. I think she is having a particularly rough time because Dad is no longer there to act as the buffer between her and the world. I don't want to take on that role, but it seems that it is inevitable. Dealing with an elderly parent that has a personality disorder is no picnic...that is for sure!

Thursday, December 6, 2007

This has been kind of a tough week for Mom. I had a hard time with her on Tuesday because she tricked me into taking her to the bank. I thought we were going so she could get the cash to pay off her and Dad's cemetery plot. Instead, she went into the credit union and insisted on closing the account my Dad has had for a long time. She was paranoid about an interaction she had over the phone with someone from the credit union. They had asked for her social security number which freaked her out. She was going to be assessed a $500 penalty for closing down her CD but the banker could see that she was being irrational ...so they waived the penalty. I tried to get my brother involved over the phone because I didn't think it was a good idea to close the account...but he ended up talking to Mom and making it worse. I was standing next to her and I could hear Mark swearing a blue streak at her...which upset her even more. That is the last time I will try to get him to help...because it really always make things worse when the two of them talk.

After we got done at the credit union, Mom wanted me to drive her all the way across town to pay off the cemetery plot. I told her I wasn't going to do it...it was a waste of time and gas when she could just give me a check and I could drop it off on the way home. She finally saw that I wasn't going to give into her whim, so we went shopping, tried to have some lunch...but headed home because Mom got sick in the parking lot after lunch.

By the time I got her settled and back home I was completely and utterly exhausted. I have a lot of empathy for her and her situation, but she does nothing to make her life easier. I want her to be in an assisted living facility so she won't feel so lonely all the time. She doesn't want to be around a bunch of strangers. This is where her personality disorder really rears it's head....she doesn't want to be around people...but she is lonely. I am really feeling like there is no good solution to her situation. It makes me so sad that things have to be so hard for her. In the meantime, I need to preserve my own life and not let her consume me with her problems. Not an easy tightrope to walk with an ill and frail 87 year old woman.

Wednesday, November 28, 2007

Things are going relatively smoothing with Mom this week. We went out shopping yesterday for some Christmas cards and food. We had lunch afterward. Mom surprised me by having pancakes and bacon for breakfast when I arrived yesterday morning. We were supposed to go to IHOP but she decided to surprise me by making breakfast. It was nice to see her a little more engaged and trying some new things. She admitted that she hadn't made pancakes in 20 years...because Dad did all the cooking. She did a really good job and everything came out fine.

Tomorrow morning I am taking her to the bank and then we are going to go back to her apartment and make spaghetti for lunch. She has been talking about wanting this meal for awhile, so I figured it would be easier if we did it together.

Saturday, November 25, 2007

Mom made it through her first Thanksgiving without Dad. She hemmed and hawed about coming to dinner at the house, but I finally just told her when I would be picking her up. She enjoyed touring the basement and looking at the work my brother Mark is doing down there to finish it off. We got her settled upstairs with some snacks and the paper while Cathy and Pamela finished the dinner. She managed to eat a little of everything that was put on her plate and seemed to have a pretty good time.

The big difference I see in Mom is how frail she has become since June. She is having a lot of exhaustion and is sometimes forgetful. I think this may just be depression. She hasn't had anymore trouble swallowing food and refuses to even consider having the endoscopy. I have decided to back off of this and let her make her own decisions around her health.

I am feeling kind of tired myself...taking it easy this evening...reading a book, catching up on bills...spending time with Pamela.

Friday, November 16, 2007

Yesterday was a really bad day with Mom. She woke me up early in the morning to tell me she is not going to have the endoscopy. She was upset about how much money it was going to cost, and being completely irrational. She told me that I had taken Dad to the doctor and look what happened to him. I got really upset because it seemed like she was blaming Dad's death on me. She said that if they had stayed in Arizona that Dad could have had surgery. I tried to explain to her that Dad would have died if he was in Arizona because he had Stage IV pancreatic cancer. She is in complete denial about what happened and keeps saying over and over again that Dad never talked to her about not feeling well. Actually, I am starting to think that Dad never told her anything because he had given up in some elemental way. He was so tired of all her abuse and bullshit that he got her up here and then slowly gave up.

I was on the phone several times with Mom ...she would hang up on me, I would hang up on her...it was a pretty upsetting day.

Today things went better. I went to make the arrangements for their dual burial at Forest Lawn. I have the contract for Mom to sign tomorrow when we go out to take her to dinner. I just hope that she can continue to be lucid and follow through with this arrangement.

Thursday, November 13, 2007

The last week and half have been busy with work and dealing with Mom's ongoing medical issues. She called me at work last week to tell me she couldn't keep her breakfast down and had chest pains. I called her doctor immediately and consulted with her nurse. The choices were...bring her in that day or take her to the ER. I opted to take her in that afternoon because I knew the ER experience would be too much for her.

The doctor (not her usual physician) spent more time filling in information on her computer program than really listening to Mom. She told Mom that she needed to see a specialist as she probably had a blockage in her esophagus. I got on the phone right there in her office and made an appt. for the next day. It went fairly well with the new doctor...she did a much better job of listening to Mom and focusing on her. She goes back Nov. 27th for a procedure called an upper endoscopy.

Upper endoscopy enables the physician to look inside the esophagus, stomach, and duodenum (first part of the small intestine). The procedure might be used to discover the reason for swallowing difficulties, nausea, vomiting, reflux, bleeding, indigestion, abdominal pain, or chest pain. Upper endoscopy is also called EGD, which stands for esophagogastroduodenoscopy (eh-SAH-fuh-goh-GAS-troh-doo-AH-duh-NAH-skuh-pee).

For the procedure you will swallow a thin, flexible, lighted tube called an endoscope (EN-doh-skope). Right before the procedure the physician will spray your throat with a numbing agent that may help prevent gagging. You may also receive pain medicine and a sedative to help you relax during the exam. The endoscope transmits an image of the inside of the esophagus, stomach, and duodenum, so the physician can carefully examine the lining of these organs. The scope also blows air into the stomach; this expands the folds of tissue and makes it easier for the physician to examine the stomach.

The physician can see abnormalities, like inflammation or bleeding, through the endoscope that don't show up well on x rays. The physician can also insert instruments into the scope to treat bleeding abnormalities or remove samples of tissue (biopsy) for further tests.

Possible complications of upper endoscopy include bleeding and puncture of the stomach lining. However, such complications are rare. Most people will probably have nothing more than a mild sore throat after the procedure.

The procedure takes 20 to 30 minutes. Because you will be sedated, you will need to rest at the endoscopy facility for 1 to 2 hours until the medication wears off.

http://digestive.niddk.nih.gov/ddiseases/pubs/upperendoscopy/
National Digestive Diseases Information Clearinghouse

Friday, November 2, 2007

Our vet called two days ago to let us know the results of the test they did on the lump in his leg. The news was good in an odd sort of way. He had an invasive form of cancer known as fibrosarcoma. It is a type of soft tissue sarcoma that begins in fibrous tissue, which holds bones, muscles, and other organs in place. Outcomes are usually dismal and most pets don't live very long as it moves so fast. I am glad that Linus did not have to suffer through all of that.

He always had trouble with food until we started cooking for him. He was gluten intolerant and got so sick until we finally figured out a diet that worked for him. Organic ground lamb, sweet potatoes, cottage cheese and dehydrated lamb slices. I am glad that we finally figured out exactly what he could eat. It was a joy to see him excited at meal times again. I seriously doubt that he would have continued to eat as the cancer progressed. It is odd, but I see his death now as a graceful exit by an old soul not willing to suffer the indignities of cancer.

Wednesday, October 31, 2007

Linus, our sharpei collie mix passed away at 5:00am this morning
due to complications of bloat. He would have been 9 years old this Saturday.
He passed away quickly and painlessly in our arms. We have many fond memories
of him from the moment he came into our lives at 10 weeks of age. He was our
gentle giant and we feel blessed to have known and loved him.

Linus - Nov. 3, 1998 - Oct. 31, 2007

Thursday, October 30, 2007

Today was a pretty good day with Mom. She wanted me to take Dad's dresser. I told her I would drop it off at Goodwill but that I could not take it home. She seemed distressed by that because Dad assembled the dresser. I held firm with her and she eventually let it go. Afterwards, we did our usual round of shopping. She ran her motorized cart into me in the meat department...not meaning to...she just was after a particular kind of meat and didn't see me standing there. One of the butchers did hit me in the kneecap when he was swinging a meat tray around. I was glad to leave the meat section! Mom picked out her groceries and then we went to pick up something else she needed at the drugstore. After that we went through the drive-thru at Jack in the Box and got fish sandwiches, a milkshake for Mom, lemonade for me and fries for both of us.

I am thinking that I need to get some kind of rolling cart...dragging all these bags of groceries upstairs is killing me. I finally got everything unloaded and lunch on the table. Mom needed to eat because she was feeling lightheaded. Probably due to that thick milkshake she started drinking. She is kind of like a child with things like milkshakes. She drinks it down pretty fast. To get her upstairs I had to take the milkshake away so she would focus on walking into the apartment building, getting her mail and going to the elevator.

After lunch I carved the pumpkin that I bought her this morning. She seemed really happy with the design once I had it all carved up. We talked a little more about how Dad was before he died and how he never said anything to Mom about not feeling well. I can tell this really troubles Mom because she mentions it every time I see her. She is having a really hard time accepting his death.

Thursday, October 25, 2007

Today was one of those days when I wished that Dad was still alive and that Mom had died instead of him. Mom was super difficult today and acted out when I wouldn't give in to her ridiculous request. She wants to buy a $200 trunk to put Dad's suit, sweater and other papers in. It is absolutely ridiculous to save his clothes. When I told Mom I would not take her to the mall to buy the trunk she got nasty. Told me that I was wasting money doing the remodeling at our house. Pouted, wouldn't talk to me...basically acted liked a two year old. I took her to do her shopping and then took her home. I prepared her lunch....but left because she started giving me a hard time again.

I found another store where she can get the same trunk at a better price so I am going to take her there tomorrow. Pamela and I talked and she helped me see that Mom can spend the money she has in any way that she wants to....so I will take her tomorrow.

She is vomiting a lot after she eats, but refuses to go to her doctor. I think it may be acid reflux...but she says that something "flipped" in her stomach. I have no idea what she is referring to but I am not going to force her to go to the doctor.

I get so tired of dealing with all her irrational bullshit. She is living in a world of her own creation that has nothing to do with reality. Today was a bad day with her.

Wednesday, October 17, 2007

I woke up this morning realizing that I had been hearing Dad's voice in my dream. I could hear him clearly...he was telling me that he was making soup. It was so good to hear his voice again. When I woke up I realized right away that I had this dream. I felt comforted.

Therapy yesterday...still struggling with the ups and downs of being Mom's assistant. Also talked about how much I miss Dad and wish I could talk to him. Voila..he talked to me and I felt comforted.

Just back from a week on vacation in California. I enjoyed everything we did, but felt oddly flat for most of the trip. My therapist says this is what grieving feels like to a person. It is a strange out of body feeling.

Saturday, October 6, 2007

I took Mom to Sears today to buy some shoes to go with her new raincoat. Apparently clerks in the shoe department at Sears don't actually fit people with shoes...just bring them shoes but only if you ask for help. I ended up being the one to find and fit the shoes...we considered four different pairs before Mom settled on the ones that were the best fit. Fortunately, they were also the pair that were the most practical..with flat rubber soles and lace ties. Afterwards, I went to pick up a few things for her at the grocery store. Mom wanted to go have a cup of coffee and a piece of pie, so off we went to her favorite restaurant, Shari's. She seemed to be worrying about how long her money will hold out. I told her that she seemed to be doing pretty well and just take it one day at a time. Afterwards, I took her home, put her new shoes on for her to break them in, put her eye drops in and took off.

When I am with Mom I have so many different emotions. Sometimes I have a lot of empathy for her because she is in a touch place. Dad created a world that she could function in safely for years and now he is gone. Other times I get really exhausted and she just drives me crazy. We do have our good moments when we can share a laugh or enjoy a meal together. Today at the restaurant she told me how much money she has left to live on...so I know she is concerned about how she will get by.

When Mom was in the geriatric mental health hospital last December her social worker told me that she had a personality disorder. It turns out there are several and he never specified which one of them is Mom's personality disorder. From my research is would seem that she is a combination of two:


Schizotypal personality disorder:

Many believe that schizotypal personality disorder represents mild schizophrenia. The disorder is characterized by odd forms of thinking and perceiving, and individuals with this disorder often seek isolation from others. They sometimes believe to have extra sensory ability or that unrelated events relate to them in some important way. They generally engage in eccentric behavior and have difficulty concentrating for long periods of time. Their speech is often over elaborate and difficult to follow.

* Superstitious or preoccupied with paranormal phenomena
* Difficult to follow speech patterns
* Feelings of anxiety in social situations
* Suspiciousness and paranoia
* Appears shy, aloof, or withdrawn to others
* "Magical thinking" - the idea that you can influence people and events
with your thoughts
* Odd, elaborate style of dressing, speaking and interacting with others
* Belief that messages are hidden for you in public speeches and displays
* Suspicious or paranoid ideas

Borderline personality disorder

* Difficulty controlling emotions or impulses
* Frequent, dramatic changes in mood, opinions and plans
* Stormy relationships involving frequent, intense anger and possibly
physical fights
* Fear of being alone despite a tendency to push people away
* Feeling of emptiness inside
* Suicide attempts or self-mutilation

I would say Mom has all of these behaviors except the last one in the borderline personality disorder section. I have never know her to be suicidal or to self-mutilate.

So, given all of this I am doing the best I can. Some days are easier than others. Those "other" days really take it out of me.

I am leaving tomorrow night for a week in California..L.A. and Catalina Island. I need a break.

Tuesday, October 2, 2007

Today is my 53rd birthday. It is my first birthday without Dad. I spent the first half of the day with Mom...having breakfast, going to the store and bank. She told me the story of the day of my birth again. She tells me the story every year. Dad was so excited to have a baby girl. He came to the hospital to see me...I was born on a Saturday in 1954. Of course he took the guys cigars at the office. He brought home all kinds of clothes people had given him at work and put them up against me to see how I would look. Mom said he acted like he was the only person who had ever been a father before...he was that excited.

After I dropped Mom off I went to the DMV to renew my driver's license....which was a complete exercise in futility. I sat there for one hour and forty five minutes before I gave up, took another number and went off to therapy. My hope was that I would get back in time to use my second number which was 229. When I left they were on 167 and by the time I got back they were only on 199...so I had to sit for another half hour before they called my number. Of course the picture the woman took is horrible...I look like an aging chipmunk who just put a pound of nuts in her mouth. I was just glad to be out of that hellish place.

Later I went to REI to exchange a fleece jacket for another size and buy Pamela a fleece sweater and some shoes. Home finally by 5pm.

Today in therapy I talked a lot about how difficult Mom can be sometimes and discussed ways of coping with situation. One thing I am going to do is start pulling back a bit so that I am not available so much. I really want her to go into assisted living and one way to help her see her need for that is by not being her assistant all the time. Pat suggested I get someone to come in and help her..but I don't think this would work at all. I am going to ask Mark to take on the whole moving thing with Mom...she wants to move when her lease is up. This is her pattern..I really don't think it makes sense to move unless it is into an assisted living facility.

I finally made sense of something today that happened a couple of years ago with Dad. Mom and Dad were here for a visit, staying with us as usual. Dad and I had an opportunity to go off together and spend some time. I took him to a really cool hardware store called ReJuve. We also went to have donuts and coffee at Krispy Kreme. He seemed very anxious about getting back to the house by the time he had told Mom he would return. I didn't think it was such a big deal and encouraged him to come with me to Lowe's to do some more shopping. At the time I remember that I commented to Pamela that I thought Dad had Stockholm Syndrome. Stockholm syndrome is a psychological response sometimes seen in an abducted hostage, in which the hostage shows signs of loyalty to the hostage-taker, regardless of the danger (or at least risk) in which the hostage has been placed.

A more accurate description of what I think was going on follows:

Adult physical abuse: In lay terms, this is a reference to any person who, because of constant and severe domestic violence usually involving physical abuse by a partner, becomes depressed and unable to take any independent action that would allow him or her to escape the abuse. The condition explains why abused people often do not seek assistance from others, fight their abuser, or leave the abusive situation. Sufferers have low self-esteem, and often believe that the abuse is their fault. Such persons usually refuse to press criminal charges against their abuser, and refuse all offers of help.

In some ways I think Dad was Mom's hostage, and I definitely know that she abused him both psychologically and physically. I asked my therapist today why he didn't tell me what was going on. I would have gotten him out of that situation immediately. She said she thought he probably didn't tell me out of shame or because he knew that I would take him away from Mom. He felt so responsible for Mom that he couldn't imagine who would take care of her if he didn't do it. I know he loved Mom because I sat in on the session last December with them and Mom's psychiatrist and social worker when she was in the hospital for hitting Dad. He sat there and cried and said he loved Mom. I will never understand their relationship. It just makes me sad that he suffered in any way. I know Mom must suffer too...I know she is so lonely without him now. The entire situation just makes me sad.

Thursday, September 27, 2007

So, the phone rang this morning....it was Mom...asking me to come out and help her. It was what I expected. She acted as if nothing bad happened last weekend. I have no idea if she has no memory of what happened or if she has conveniently gone into denial. I told her I would be out sometime this morning to take her shopping. We did our usual three hours of shopping...at the drugstore and at Fred Meyer. She bought me a fleece vest and some socks for my birthday...and a lot of food. She has it in her mind that she must stock up before we leave for California on Oct. 7th. I told her that I would take her shopping again before we leave, but she still insisted on buying a lot of food. We had a pretty good time, but she seemed a little anxious in the car. After lugging everything upstairs, I fixed her lunch and then took off for my lunch appointment with my high school french teacher..which was totally fun.

After lunch, I went to a yearly memorial service for the families of people who were taken care of by Providence Hospice. It was a tiny bit new age, but it was still good to be in a room with others who have experienced major loss. I lite a candle for Dad and spoke about his experience with the hospice chaplain. I heard about it from the chaplain a week after Dad died. She called to ask if it would be ok to visit Dad again...and that is when I told her he had passed away. She was very sorry and apologized for not being informed of his death. Kate then told me about her experience with Dad. At first he was a little confused as to who she was and why she was visiting him. Once he understood that she was a visiting hospice chaplain, he opened up to her and talked about his concern for Mom. He prayed for our family with her and then he prayed for the whole world. Kate said that he was amazingly open and clear. As she was leaving he told her it was important to work things out with her co-workers. This amazed her as she had just come from a meeting that had been a bit upsetting to her at work, but had not mentioned it to my Dad. She was a little embarrassed that she had come to comfort Dad and he ended up comforting her. I think Dad was pretty empathic all his life and even more so as he neared death. As I told this story in front of a room full of strangers I cried and struggled to keep talking, but I needed to talk about Dad and how much I loved him.

I still love him and I still miss him.

Tuesday, September 25, 2007

Complete silence from Mom. I have not spoken to her since she hung up on me Sunday morning. I am taking a break from her. I can't let myself be abused this way...and I cannot let her abuse my partner, Pamela.

More feelings have been coming up around what my aunt told me on Sunday evening. It makes me so sad and so angry to know that Mom was hitting Dad. If he had taken me into his confidence, I would have taken him out of that situation. I know he felt that it was his job to take care of Mom, but not at the risk of his own physical well being. It is so hard to deal with the knowledge that my own beloved Dad was being beaten by my Mom. I have seen her rages and I know that she can get pretty dangerous. The thought of her behavior and the damage she did makes me sick to my stomach.

Saturday, September 23, 2007

Just when I thought things were going well with Mom....everything goes south on us. She was in a very agitated and aggressive mood today when Pamela and I went out to take her shopping for my birthday. She slammed her purse into Pamela in the car on purpose. She thought I was taking her wallet and a check into the bank to cash a reimbursement check from their auto insurance company. All I was doing was getting out to see if the bank was open...which it wasn't. She was mad about that and then wasn't much better when we took her to her credit union..which was open. We let her go in by herself because neither one of us wanted to be around her. She came out spewing some hateful stuff about 'foreigners'. I guess there were non-white people in the credit union. She often falls into this kind of behavior when she is being irrational...I don't know if it is her personality disorder or she is eating too much sugar or what.

We told her we were not prepared to take her to the mall..but ended up taking her to Rite Aid and Bartell's to get get a few things and pick up her medicine. She apologized to Pamela but not to me when we got her home. This morning she tore into me for my duties around the collection plate at church. I told her in no uncertain terms that it was none of her business...at which point she hung up on me. I am going to let her stew for a few days....there is nothing more I can do to make this situation better. She plays the old lady and uses her soft voice and then turns into a raving aggressive bitch ...all in the same day. I need a rest from this stuff.

I talked with my Dad's sister Josephine last night. She is really supportive of me especially as it pertains to my Mom's abusive behavior. She told me that my Dad called her last fall and told her that my Mom had been hitting him. I used to wonder about the bruises on his arms...I even asked him about them, but he always said he had bumped his arm. I am so sad and upset that he didn't tell me what was going on. I would have gotten him out of there in a heartbeat and taken him to live with us.

Last December right before Christmas Mom was hospitalized in a geriatric mental health unit because Dad couldn't handle her. She was so angry...but Dad actually missed her while she was gone. I don't understand it...but he still loved her despite all the crap she put him through. I wish he had taken me into his confidence....I wish I could have protected him.

Thursday, September 20, 2007

Mom is very appreciative of all that I help with and says it on a regular basis.

She seems to be doing a little better...I noticed today at the store that she
bought two things that my Dad used to cook...and is planning on starting to cook
again for herself. I gave her some hints on ways to prepare the food that she
seemed to like..so hopefully she will give it a try. My Dad did all the cooking
for the last 20 years so she is at least trying to relearn a skill she once used
on a daily basis.

My biweekly therapy sessions seem to be helping...it gives me a place to talk
about what is going on and how I feel about it. We also discuss strategies for
handling my Mom when she is difficult.

I went to a centering prayer workshop at church last night...the three words I
mediated/prayed on were: grieving, acceptance and love. During the course of the prayer it became clear
to me that I could begin letting the word "grieving" go...not that I am done
with the entire process...but that acceptance and love would be more helpful in the long run.

Monday, September 17, 2007

Pamela and I took Mom to the Puyallup Fair on Friday night. It took us almost two hours to get there through the freeway traffic, but it was definitely worth the trouble. We rented a wheelchair for Mom and off we went. First stop, food! We all had Earthquake burgers....huge burgers bursting with Vidalia onions, followed by ice cream covered with chocolate and nuts, fudge and caramel corn! We went a little overboard, but Mom was having such a good time....I didn't want to stop her from getting what she wanted to eat.

We watched some police dogs go through their paces, which was really cool. Also toured the goat barn, went to the fair museum where we saw a picture of my Great Uncle Harry Corliss, saw the beautiful flowers in the horticulture house and had a great time people watching. After about 3 hours Mom was fading so I went and got the car and picked her and Pamela up at the parking lot edge. She was sound asleep by the time we got to the highway.

Once we got her back home she said that would be her last fair. That troubled me a bit, but I have learned not to comment on everything Mom says ...it is her feeling and her wish to express it.

Saturday, I stayed home and planted two trees and two bushes in the yard after clearing a whole section of saplings that keep growing back from the tree stumps we had cut earlier this year. It was hard work, but it felt good to get it done.

Sunday I was Worship leader at church and also had a Bingo Committee meeting. I am going to donate the store safe to the Bingo Committee. Afterwards, I drove out to have dinner with Mom. She had made a nice meatloaf. It was a good lunch and she was in a pretty good mood...so I am glad I went out.

Today I worked and then had a job interview with World Vision this afternoon. I think it went pretty well. I will know within two weeks if I will be invited back for a second interview.

I am going to take Mom to breakfast in the morning and then out to WalMart. I have therapy tomorrow afternoon at 1pm and then dinner with Cathy at 6:30pm. Overall, I think I am doing ok...still get tears coming when I think of Dad. I really wish I could talk to him....I miss his way of making everything ok...when I get stuck sometimes I just ask myself...What would Dad do? It seems to help.

More cars

Wednesday, September 12, 2007

Today another milestone is reached. I took Dad's car on June 16 of this year to sell it to pay for his medical expenses. After three months, I am finally selling it today for $15,000. I had hoped to get more for it but am so exhausted with trying to sell it that I am glad to be getting this taken care of today. There have only been three people who expressed interest and of those, only the gentleman who is purchasing it today was serious enough to have it checked by his mechanic and do an online search with the VIN number.

I have mixed feelings about selling the car because it is the last car my father purchased for himself. He bought it for the drive up here from Arizona last summer. I have driven it just to keep it in good condition, but it makes me feel kind of sad. In one way it is another reminder that Dad has passed away and no longer needs a car. Mom is happy that this is being taken care of today and will deposit the funds in her account. She has been worrying about the sale of the car alot lately, so I am glad to have this task almost concluded today.

Dad always loved his cars....I have a photo of him with a Model A, another photo with a car from the late 1930's, and one with his 1959 Pontiac Star Chief. I trace my love of cars to my Dad.

Saturday, September 8, 2007

I went over to pick up Mom this morning after dropping Pamela off at her jewelry making class. Mom wanted to go to the store and I wanted to take her to local Danish bakery for a treat and some coffee. We both made our selections...after looking over everything in the cases. We decided to get different things and then split them and share. Mom got a really moist nut muffin and I got a danish. Both were good. We sat and talked and had our snack before setting off for the store. Once we got to the store Mom found a cart that worked for her and off she went...she is getting pretty good at driving these battery powered carts. I think she likes it because it reminds her of the golf cart she once owned in Arizona ..."The Mean Jean". We zoomed around the store picking up various items that she wanted and then paid for everything, got the cart parked and then got everything into the car. Next stop...another store where grapes were on sale. Picked up the grapes and some Diet Coke for when my brother comes over...and then made it back to her apartment. I got everything upstairs, while making sure that Mom was walking ok. The water pills, the new support hose and the exercises all seem to be helping her quite a bit. Her ankles are so swollen and she says her legs feel better. I helped put everything away, told her I would be over again on Tuesday and then went to pick up Pamela.

We had decided to go to a vintage car show in Edmonds....have lunch and stroll around. It was a beautiful day, sunny with a nice breeze. We saw some really nice restored vehicles..my favorite was a Ford Fairlane Skyliner. While Pamela was waiting for some kettlekorn, I walked around the farmer's market and found a flat of raspberries for only $5 since it was the end of the day. I thought Mom would enjoy some fresh berries, so we dropped by her place on the way home. She was pleased with the berries and our surprise visit. She was going through her paperwork again ....I have no idea what she is doing with the paperwork or what it is, but it seems to be a recurring activity for her. I guess it makes her feel that she is doing something to manage her own life.

She told me today that Dad was thrilled when I was born. He loved being a Dad. I saw a movie the other day that brought him so close to me. It was "Broken English' with Parker Posey. She was walking down the street in New York City and a palm reader comes out of her shop and tells her that her father, who has passed away, misses her. She also says that Parker's character Nora was his favorite person in the world...and that he knows that she is lonely and has sent the palm reader to help her. It caught me by surprise...but this scene really sums up how I feel about my Dad...how he felt about me. I was his favorite person in the world..and he knows that I am missing him so much...and am lonely without him.

Wednesday, September 5, 2007

Yesterday was a super busy day. Took Mom to her eye specialist in the morning, then to her Internist in the afternoon. Wedged going to the pharmacy, the bank, the grocery store, Macy's for Mom and my own therapy appointment in between her two doctor appointments. She doesn't have to see her eye specialist for a year but will remain on the eye drops for the the foreseeable future. The laser surgery did improve her vision a bit and she did well on the eye test. After her appointment she went over to have her eyeglasses adjusted and new nose pieces put on them...she has been having trouble with some kind of allergic reaction to the old pieces. Luckily, the optometrist is right there in the eye specialist's office.

After that we went to the bank so Mom could get a print out of her statement. She is really struggling to understand what is happening with her bank account. I just reassure her and tell her to go home and work with her bank book and the printout. I have a feeling that this is going to be an ongoing struggle for her. After the bank and grocery store, I drove to Macy's to buy Mom a year's worth of her Elizabeth Arden deodorant. She needs this as she gets reactions from drug store deodorant. I also returned a watch that I got her last Christmas...she loved it but it was too large and the band couldn't be altered. After that we drove home and I made us some lunch.

I took off after lunch and went to see my own therapist. It was good to see Pat..it has been about 4 years. We had a good discussion about grieving, the challenges my Mom has always presented, and the possibility of her helping me find a caretakers group. I am my Mom's full time caretaker....I am finally facing that reality. I need to get some support that is unique to this experience. I return in two weeks for my next session. I felt better having gone and talked with someone I trust.

I took Mom to her next appointment. Her leg swelling is not associated with heart failure. She got some exercises to strength her legs and a prescription for water pills. We are also going to look into getting her some support socks that she can wear at home. When the doctor mentioned this her first question was "What colors do they come in?" She always wants to look good....so this is very important to her...it made me laugh....she will be a diva to the end! After our appointment, I ran up the street to get Mom an ice cream...it has become our ritual. Hey, if it gives her a good association with going to the doctor, I am all for it!

We dropped her new prescription to join the one I left this morning, dropped by the store to get potassium laden food...per the doctor...and headed home. Mom was so exhausted after all this running around that I decided to stay and have dinner with her. We ate, talked and watched the news. As I was leaving Mom said that she appreciates all that I do and that she loves me. It was nice to hear that.

I see that she is really struggling with her new situation. She cries and talks about Dad every time I see her. All I can do is be there for her in ways that support her...while taking care of myself.

Sunday, September 2, 2007

Up early...around 5:30a.m. Laid in bed thinking for awhile...finally just got up and let the dogs out. Did some dishes...made some tea. The usual morning rhythms...but nothing seems the same anymore. I am going back to the therapist that I have worked with off and on since 1984. She knows the whole family history....so I think we can get to the heart of my depression a bit faster.

I look at the last five years...getting laid off from the library, opening and closing the store, Mom and Dad arriving....and Dad's death 10 months after their arrival and I see no bright spot except hanging out with Dad more over the last several months. Now that he is gone, there is such a void. I am also trying to find a job and not having much luck. My energy is so low...it is easy for me to just lay down and give up. I have been struggling with why it is necessary to even go on. I know I have to be the one to look out for Mom....but most of the time I feel I am just going through the motions...on autopilot.

This morning I am th liturgist at church....reading the responsive readings, helping with communion...etc. I do find some relief at church...just being part of a community.

I am bringing Mom over to the house for dinner after church. She has requested fried chicken. Her knee is giving her a hard time...so I am also going to take her back to the doctor on Tuesday afternoon. I worry about her circulation because of the diabetes.

Wednesday, August 29, 2007

Yesterday Mom went to her eye specialist for some minor laser surgery. She had a film over the lense of her right eye. She tolerated the procedure very well.

I am returning to therapy next week. I am having such a tough time dealing with all of Mom's needs while missing Dad. I am a full time caretaker and I am also in the midst of grieving Dad's death...no wonder I have very little energy.

Wednesday, August 22, 2007

It occurred to me today what a comfort the dogs are as I grieve Dad's death. Milo, Macy and Linus all seem to come to me and spend time...leaning on me, asking for hugs and treats, or just surrounding my body when I lay down to take a nap. I have noticed that I tire easily and have just started to lay down when I feel like I need a rest. Always, the dogs gather around me and keep me surrounded with their bodies and love. It is a really comforting feeling.

I saw a therapist yesterday. I cried a lot..missing Dad...overwhelmed with being so heavily involved in caretaking Mom. I am not too sure about the therapist yet, but I am going to go to her one more time before I decide whether or not to continue with her. It seems so surreal to go in and break down in front of someone I have never met. She suggested that I talk to Dad...which I did after I left her office. I took a walk in Jack Block Park and talked with Dad for awhile about how I am feeling, telling him that I am glad that he is not suffering ...and that I am doing the best I can.

Mom is feeling a lot of exhaustion these days..and she is having some trouble with her legs being swollen all the time. I bought her a stool because her doctor told her to keep her legs elevated. I go out tomorrow morning to take her to the pharmacy and to WalMart....she needs to return her pants. She is really looking forward to my arrival and a trip in the car.

Monday, August 20, 2007

Yesterday was a really hard day for me. I cried off and on all day...starting in church in the morning. I miss Dad so much...no one can reassure me the way he could...he always told me that things would work in a way that made sense to me. Now I will have to find a way to do this for myself...which isn't a bad thing. I am just feeling really vulnerable and lost. I am going to see a therapist starting tomorrow night. I hope that will help a bit.

My own job search continues. I have submitted 5 resumes in the last few days ...I hope I get some interviews. I am not totally sure if I am up for going back to work fulltime...but I have to keep trying. I think it would help me start getting my own life back on track.

Thursday, August 16, 2007

I took Mom shopping today in Lynnwood. Does anyone remember the movie "Forget Paris" with Billy Crystal and Debra Winger? Her father comes to live with them...and when they drove him around he kept reading all the billboards and reciting the Toyota mantra "you asked for it, you got it Toyota!"? Well....my Mom does that. I think she is so thrilled to be out of the house and seeing new sites...that reading all the billboards out loud is a fun activity for her.

She needed to find some new pants and tops....so we got her one of the riding carts and off we went to the clothing dept. at WalMart....I know, I know..we are not supposed to shop at WalMart...but it is one place a elderly woman on a fixed income can buy a few things without going broke. It was a little hazardous though...because they don't have big enough aisles in the clothing dept. for those driving carts to pass through safely. At one point Mom was pushing one whole rack around while she tried to turn...I had too keep up with her to replace the racks and pick up the clothes that were flying off as she drove by. We found her exactly what she wanted, made our purchases and took off for the bank.

The woman at the bank was great...very patient and helpful in getting Mom a printout of her transactions over the last couple of weeks. Hopefully her monthly statement will arrive soon so she can reconcile her account.

Next, I took us to Shari's restaurant for lunch...my treat. We both had quiche, salad and fruit. Mom loved her lunch and was pleased with the whole experience. She topped off her visit to Shari''s by buying herself an apple pie. It is good to make sure that she has at least one really good meal a day. I know that it is hard for her to work up much enthusiasm when she is eating alone.

Our last stop of the day was the drugstore to pick up her prescription. That went smoothly as well...and off we went to her apartment. I laid all her new clothes out on the bed so she could try them on, kissed her goodbye and took off

Today was a good day with Mom...she got out and saw some new sites, got some new clothes..had a wonderful lunch and bagged an apple pie for herself. I wish every day with Mom could be like this. I will just have to enjoy the good days and be patient with her on the bad days.

Wednesday, August 15, 2007

I did some serious retail therapy today. I bought a Bialetti espresso maker..the old kind...no bells, no whistles...but makes fantastic coffee. Also purchased two Le Creuset pans...a skillet and a stock pot. The blue of the pans matches the blue of our formica and glass tile back splash in the kitchen. The pans and coffee pot probably weighted over 20 lbs., but I lugged the bags several blocks to a restaurant and then finally back to the car. On the way to the car I treated myself to lunch at Le Picquet....falafel sandwich and a nice cool glass of Lillet Blanc with a long piece of orange zest draped over the glass of wine and ice cubes.

Sitting in the restaurant, looking out at people passing by...cars moving down the street, it occurred to me that I miss my Dad...but have no feelings of regret. I did all I could to help him during his illness. He and I were allies, friends, in each other''s corners throughout my entire life. My Dad didn't have many friends....I don't know if this was his choice, or just how things worked out because Mom has such a hard time with people. I was his friend and daughter from my moment of birth. We loved each other unconditionally. I thought I would be more of a mess after his death than I am. I miss him....I think about him.....but it is like he is with me all the time anyway. He said that as a spirit all he wanted to do was watch out over me...so I feel he left me physically...but not emotionally. He is still right there...in my corner, no matter what!

Sunday, August 12, 2007

Pamela and I went out to have breakfast with Mom yesterday morning. She wanted to make waffles...so we helped with that and added some nice ham slices sauteed in butter and brown sugar. She seemed to enjoy the meal and told us all about when Dad bought the waffle maker and how he used to love to make waffles. Afterwards, we took her to the credit union so she could talk to the woman there she worked with before about her statement. The woman was very good at explaining everything to Mom and seemed to make her feel less anxious about her money situation. Next, we took Mom to Fred Meyer in Ballard so she could zoom around the store on once of the motorized carts picking out some items. After we got her home and put away the food, we took off to go see a movie.

Today I spoke with Mom from early morning until earlier this evening. I check in with her morning, noon and night. She seemed fine most of the day...even though she seems to be sleeping more. She sounded really groggy when I called her at 4:30pm.

I have difficulty staying patient with Mom sometimes...she says things that are totally unacceptable..like asking me if the friends we were planning on having lunch with today were black or white? I told her that was an unacceptable question and tried to steer the conversation in another direction. I know she has her idiosyncracies and biases just like anyone else..sometimes I deal with them better than at other times. I am feeling exhausted with the constant responsibility of looking out for Mom....but I know that is what I must do.

Friday, August 10, 2007

I am spending more and more time on the phone with Mom. She seems to be having trouble understanding her bank statement, losing things in the apartment etc. All of this stuff makes her pretty cantankerous to deal with. Pamela and I are going over in the morning for waffles and to take her to the bank and grocery store.

I made an appt. today with a local therapist. I need some help with the whole situation around Mom. All Mark does is go out once a week for a quick half hour lunch. I am the one doing all the heavy emotional lifting. I go to my therapist on Aug. 21 @ 4:30pm.

Wednesday, August 8, 2007

My parents were married for the first time 60 years ago today. After the ceremony they had dinner with the couple that stood up with them...and then Mom went back to work at the phone company. I have a wonderful picture that they had taken...Mom is wearing this gorgeous feathered hat and Dad looks like a movie star. Mom is having a hard time today.

Tuesday, August 7, 2007

Two markers this week....Dad has been gone 44 days today. Tomorrow would have been my parent's 60th anniversary. Mom doesn't count the 22 years they were divorced...because they spent so much time together during that time. The first 10 years apart were here in Seattle. I can remember Dad and I going to Mom's apartment for lunches, dinners etc. He also took her shopping and looked in on her on a regular basis. I asked him once why he did all this and he said it was because she was the Mother of his children. For the second 12 years they were divorced, they lived together in Phoenix, Arizona after Dad retired.

Mom is having a hard time with this anniversary. She called the house last night at 10pm thinking it was 10am today. She was worried that she would be late for her doctor's appt. Pamela took the call and reassurred Mom that it was still the night before her appt. I don't really know if this is just grief and depression or whether her cognitive skills are getting bad. I will try to talk to the doctor about it today.

I had a realization yesterday while I was driving. I realized that Dad is free of all his earthly cares and worries. It made me feel happy for him...especially since he didn't have an easy life here on earth. I had this feeling of peace come over me when I thought about this...and felt like it was ok for Dad to be gone. I miss him terribly, wish I could talk to him every day, but I know that he is finally at peace. Before he died he told me the only thing he wanted to do as a spirit is watch over me. I am glad we had that conversation before he died. Maybe his spirit brought me that thought about him being free now.

Saturday, August 4, 2007

I have been doing lots of "social things" in the last two days. It takes all the energy I can muster to be around other people, especially in a social situation. I feel this way even when we are with close friends. I feel like I am outside myself watching myself interact. The distance I feel is like being enclosed in cotton...knowing you are in a social situation but totally detached from it. I talk and laugh and ask questions etc. but feel like I am not really present. I think this must be what grief feels like.

I went to a cemetery tonight on Queen Anne Hill after having dinner with Pamela. I wanted to walk around by myself and find a couple of graves of people I have known over the years. I know 5 people that are buried in this particular cemetery. I walked around until I found the graves and thought about the people buried there and the years that I had known them. It may sound morbid but I actually feel calm when I am at the cemetery. It is quiet and fairly pretty...I walk around reading the graves and think about how other people's lives were changed by the death of their loved one. I don't know if this is wierd behavior or not, but I have always loved walking around cemeteries. When I lived in Paris, I made it a point to visit most of the cemeteries ....Pere LaChaise, Montparnasse, Passy....

I spent some time with Mom this afternoon, taking her shopping, doing her laundry and eating some lunch together. She was a little easier to deal with today, but still on her easiest day she can be exasperating. Sometimes I feel so much despair over having to deal with her on such a regular basis. She is my responsibility now...I have to help her, I have to look out for her...but I do not have to take any abuse. It gives me a new appreciation of how much work my Dad did to make it possible for my Mom to have as normal a life as possible given her personality disorder. He really took on a huge task in dealing with Mom. As he reached the end of his life, he told me that he couldn't handle her anymore. I told him not to worry...I would take care of Mom. Easier said than done I am finding.

Wednesday, August 1, 2007

Today was a tough day with Mom. She wanted to go downtown to the retirement office of the City of Seattle to clear something up about Dad's death benefit. Then she wanted to go to the credit union and deposit a check. All this sounds fairly normal....but she broke down crying in the retirement office and accused me of trying to take over her affairs in front of everyone at the credit union. Next she wanted to go to her other bank to get some cash and then go to the store again.

She is buying cookies and ice cream bars...which as a diabetic she shouldn't really be eating. It is almost like she is trying to kill herself with sugar. Her moods certainly are horrible to deal with. I feel like she is lashing out at me because she is anxious and upset having to deal with all the things that my Dad used to take care of. He basically did everything...handle the money, cook etc.

Why did Dad have to die first? I would have loved to have spent some time with him alone...finally after all these years of dealing with Mom. It didn't work out that way.

I am determined that I am not going to put up with Mom's emotional abuse. Sitting in the car sobbing while she was in the bank was my low point today.

Wednesday, July 25, 2007

I was thinking today about my wish to be with Dad when he died. I made a specific request the day before he died to be contacted should anything change for the worse. Unfortunately, he still died alone in his room at the nursing home sitting in from of the golf game on the TV. This scenario breaks my heart. I know he would not want me to be upset about not being there with him. I wish Mom and I had spent more time with him that afternoon. She said the same thing the other day.

Tuesday, July 24, 2007

Mom told me this morning that she had been awake from 11pm until 4am this morning. She said she was thinking about Dad and felt like he was with her. She had a hard time explaining it, but it sounded like his spirit was with her in the night. I know he felt a strong need to look out for my Mom ...so it would not suprise me if he came back as a spirit to be with her at night...which is the hardest time for her.

Poem for Dad

A friend sent me this poem in a card....it was read at Pamela's Mother's service...and is one I really like. I would like to dedicate it to my Dad on the one month anniversary of his death.

Do not stand at my grave and weep
I am not there
I do not sleep
I am a thousand winds that blow
I am the diamond glint on snow
I am the sunlight on ripened grain
I am the autumn rain
When you awake in the morning hush
I am the swift uplifting rush of birds circling in flight
I am the stars that hine at night
do not stand at my rave and weep
I am not there
I do not sleep

I was reminded of something my pastor said at Dad's memorial service...my aunt Josephine reminded me tonight when we talked ...the thing that lasts is love...that is Dad's legacy...the love he gave to me in this lifetime is his gift to me. Loving others will be my way of carrying on this wonderful gift of my Dad's love.

Tuesday, July 24, 2007

Today marks the one month anniversary of Dad's death. I spent the day taking Mom to her opthamology appointment. Her eye is still bothering her due to shingles. She is doing ok, but still experiences pain. The doctor told her it may last for as long as 18 months. She also has some murkiness behind the lenses that was installed during her cataract surgery. We go back in a month for another appointment and to have Laser surgery on her eye.

I took Mom to breakfast after her appointment. I have noticed that her appetite is much better when she is out at a restaurant or if I eat with her at home. She ate a good breakfast of French toast and sausage with two cups of coffee. Afterwards we drove downtown so that I could file Dad's will with King County Superior Court. It felt like a non event to me..but all the while it also felt kind of surreal.

Mom wanted to go to the grocery store afterwards, so I drove her to her favorite Safeway. She loves getting those carts that you drive around the store. She is pretty good at maneuvering and I think it gives her a sense of independence. I loaded all the bags in the car, but Mom buckled up and then took her home. She wanted me to have lunch with her ...so while she got the chicken salad and coleslaw on the table, I boxed up Dad's books and put them in the closet.

After I left, I drove to the nearest library and finally found C.S. Lewis's book "A Grief Observed". While there, I had a long conversation outside the building with an old friend, David, who wanted to check in and see how everything was going here. Drove home after that, had dinner, watched a little TV and watered the garden. Now I am waiting for Pamela's call once she arrives from Boston. I will be glad to have her home...it has been kind of quiet around here without her presence.

Sunday, July 22, 2007

I took Mom to the Bay Cafe for Sunday dinner today. She is still talking about wanting to go back to Arizona. I told her that I would not help her return to Arizona. She can't take care of herself here...much less in Arizona. I know she wants to return to her old life there ...but that included Dad and he is gone now. I told her the only move I would help her with would be to assisted living of some kind. She doesn't want to go into a "home" but frankly I think this would be better for her than living by herself. I am not going to do anything for now...just trying to help her as Dad would want me to....whenever I am having trouble with Mom, I ask myself..What Would Dad Do? That usually helps me a lot.

I miss my Dad....I know he is in a better place...free of trouble ...free of pain. I just wish I could talk to him....I miss my Dad.

Saturday, July 21,2007

Dad has been gone almost a month. I miss him every day and wish that I could talk to him.

Mom is so lonely...alone....not willing to look at other living situations. I have a hard time with her constantly neediness. She won't do anything to make her situation better. I offer to bring music tapes..she doesn't want music. She doesn't read. All she does is eat, sleep and clean. I am taking two days off from seeing her. I will go up tomorrow after church and take her out for lunch.

I feel kind of numb and empty....tired both emotionally and physically.

We had a memorial service last Sunday at my church for Dad. My aunt Josephine came. She spoke about Dad and was really supportive. Several of my friends came...as did Pamela's friends. It was a nice service. Pamela and I put together a DVD with music with pictures from Dad's life.

Mark showed up ...but kept himself separate from the rest of the people there. He is so wierd. I can barely speak to him right now. He continues to hassle Mom about how she is handling her affairs.

I just want some time to sort things out for myself.

Friday, July 6, 2007

I picked up the seven certified copies of Dad's death certificate today. I walked to the car reading it...and saw that the cause of death was listed as "failure to thrive as a result of pancreatic adrenocarcinoma. I looked up "geriatric failure to thrive" and found this definition: a syndrome that involves progressive loss of physical and psychological function. Dad's definition means that the cancer created a progressive deterioration of his physical and mental health. More specifically, he had tumors throughout his body that most likely invaded his lungs, lymph system, spinal cord, abdomen and brain. As a result of the rapid spread of his cancer, he experienced confusion, fatigue, coughing, diminished appetite and general withdrawal from the world.

While all this sounds very clinical, it is entirely different to watch someone you love slip away so quickly. While I did everything I could think of to make Dad comfortable, in the end the disease ended his life about a month after the definitive diagnosis. I have to think that Dad knew something was going on before he finally asked me to take him to the Doctor in early May. He waited until Mom was feeling better after contracting shingles. Now I know that going even a month earlier would have made no difference. Pancreatic cancer is a silent and rapid cancer with no visible symptoms until it is already too late.

I miss my Dad. I know I did everything I could and continue to do what I can to help my Mom...but the bottom line is that my life is now split in two....life with Dad and life after Dad's death.

Saturday, June 30, 2007

Dad.

January 27, 1920- June 24, 2007

Robert Terrill Corliss was born at home to Robert E. and Marion M Corliss in Orting, Washington during a snowstorm on January 27, 1920. He went home to be with his Lord and Savior after a brief but courageous battle with pancreatic cancer on Sunday afternoon, June 24, 2007.

He graduated from Sumner High School in 1937 and spent two years at the College of Puget Sound before taking charge of the Corliss Grocery and Cold Storage after his father’s death in 1940. He moved to Seattle in 1941 to work for the Boeing Company as a pattern maker. In 1944 he entered the U.S. Navy and served as an Aviation Storekeeper in San Diego. After receiving an Honorable Discharge from the Navy, Bob returned to Seattle in 1946 and worked as a cabinet maker for two years before beginning his 30 year career with Seattle City Light. He was especially proud of his work on the lighting design of the Japanese Garden at the Washington Park Arboretum and the “KiloWatt” conservation program before his retirement in 1978. Bob worked for several more years in Arizona conducting energy audits, finally retiring in 1985.

His interests included building houses, watching a good horse race, working around the house on repair projects, playing golf and tennis, discussing his faith, having a good political discussion and spending time with his family. He leaves behind his wife Genevieve, his son, Mark (Sharon), three grandchildren, Danny, Josh and Lizzie, his daughter and best friend Bonita and her partner Pamela. He also leaves his sister Josephine and her husband Leonard, his brother John and his wife Pat, his sister-in-law Shirley as well as numerous nieces and nephews. Bob was preceded in death by his parents and his brother, Joe.

His family will miss his patient and loving presence and wonderful sense of humor. As he said at the end of his life “No one has ever come back complaining”!

Special gratitude goes to Lynn Kefgen, RN, Gwendolyn Roush, MSW, and Kate O'Sulllivan, Chaplain, all of the Shoreline Care Team and all the members of the Tahoma Care Team of Providence Hospice of Seattle. The family would also like to express their thanks to the staff at Anderson House and Park West Skilled Nursing Center.

A memorial service will be held at Alki United Congregational Church of Christ, 6115 SW Hinds St. in Seattle, WA on July 14, 2007 at 1:00 p.m.

Forest Lawn Cemetery is handling arrangements for the family.

Friday, June 29, 2007

As I write this Dad's body is being cremated. The funeral home called to tell me that his cremation would take place this afternoon. I drove over to Blietz Funeral Home in Fremont on my way home from Mom's apartment to check to see if he had been cremated yet. The woman there told me that they had just put him in the chamber. It was approximately 3pm. I asked her how long it would take and when he would be delivered back to the funeral home in West Seattle. She said it would take about an hour and a half to perform the cremation and several more hours for his remains to cool. Most likely his remains will be coming back to West Seattle tomorrow sometime. I started to cry so she took me into the chapel and got me some tissues. I sat there for awhile talking to Dad and praying for his peaceful entry into the kingdom of God. I am having a really hard time with the fact that I will never see or talk to him again. He always made me feel that everything was going to be alright. I always felt he was on my side...that he loved me unconditionally. I know that this intense grief will pass...I have seen it pass for Pamela...but I have to agree with my friend Bea...who lost her mother suddenly last year...this is going to change me for the rest of my life.

Tuesday, June 26, 2007

Atenolol - Atenolol is used alone or in combination with other medications to treat high blood pressure. It also is used to prevent angina (chest pain) and treat heart attacks. Atenolol is in a class of medications called beta blockers. It works by slowing the heart rate and relaxing the blood vessels so the heart does not have to pump as hard.

Atropine Sulfate - This medication relaxes muscles in the eye, which causes the pupil to widen (dilate). It is used to treat inflammation of certain parts of the eye (uveal tract).

Enalapril - This medication is used alone or in combination with other medications to treat high blood pressure. It is also used in combination with other medications to treat heart failure. Enalapril is in a class of medications called angiotensin-converting enzyme (ACE) inhibitors. It works by decreasing certain chemicals that tighten the blood vessels, so blood flows more smoothly and the heart can pump blood more efficiently.

Halodol - This medication is used to treat psychotic disorders and symptoms such as hallucinations, delusions, and hostility and to control muscular tics. I gave this on the hospice nurse's direction the day he was admitted to Anderson House. Mom had been up all night with him...trying to get out of the bed and fussing a lot. He also had hallucinations...a guy named Bill was standing by his bed he said.....but he knew it was a hallucination. This medication was discontinued once he was settled in at Anderson House.

Hydrocodone or Vicodin, is a semi-synthetic opioid derived from two of the naturally occurring opiates, codeine and thebaine. Hydrocodone is an orally active narcotic analgesic and antitussive. As a narcotic, hydrocodone relieves pain by binding to opioid receptors in the brain and spinal cord.

Morphine Sulfate- This medication is a strong analgesic (painkiller), to relieve pain. In liquid form, this was put into Dad's mouth the last couple of days of his life.

Prochlorperazine - This is a drug that belongs to the phenothiazine class that is used for the treatment of nausea and vertigo. I don't know if Dad ever got this drug.

These were the drugs my Dad was on...the first and the third were heart medications that he was on before he was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer.

Monday, June 25, 2007

I spent the morning before we went over to the funeral home making calls....the retirement office, the bank, the insurance company, Social Security.

Afterward, Mom and I went to have a little lunch and then made our way to Forest Lawn. I had talked to the Funeral Director over the phone, so some of the paperwork was already done. I brought Dad's Honorable Discharge papers from the Navy. He is entitled to an American flag. I also had to bring a picture of him so they could verify what he looked like while alive. It was a picture of the two of us in Arizona several years ago.

I did a lot of repeating information for Mom. She asked me to pick out the urn for Dad's remains. I found a bronze metal one...very simple. It will have Dad's name, birth and death dates on it. We chose to do a minimal arrangement for him...a wooden tray for his body, a cardboard box for his body, and no special clothing. I will pick up his remains and keep them. Perhaps after Mom passes away I will inter them together.

Afterwards I took Mom home. She is really struggling with her new reality. I am struggling with it to ....I miss my Dad but try to remember good times we spent together or wonderful things he said to me..."We've been friends a long time"...We have been through a lot together over the years"...."When I am a spirit the only thing I want to do is look out for you"...simple but powerful statements from a man that could talk about emotions so well.

Sunday, June 24, 2007

After church today I went over and picked Mom up...she wanted to go visit Dad. He was sitting up in his wheelchair in the dining room. I got two chairs for us and sat down to wait for his meal to arrive...mashed potatoes, gravy, sliced carrots, chicken fried steak, apple crisp, milk and water. Before dinner while we were waiting for the meal to arrive Dad said he was thirsty. He drank 3 glasses of water ..one right after the other. He ate most of his dinner and really seemed to enjoy the apple crisp.

After dinner I was wheeling him back to his room when he said "Wait" really loud. This was really strange as he hadn't been able to speak above a whisper at lunch. An aid came over and put his foot back up on the wheelchair footrest while I tried to understand what he was saying...something about getting a basket to take back. It didn't make any sense, so I just rolled him back to his room. He and Mom kissed goodbye...I picked out a golf game he could watch on TV...kissed him goodbye and then headed off to take Mom home. He wanted to lay down but the nurse told me that he had to stay up at least a half hour after eating.

I got Mom home and we had a frank talk about what plans she would need to make for her future. She has been resistant to do anything while Dad is alive. I explained to her that her life with Dad was over and that she needed to be somewhere with other people around. I told her that I was going to look at another assisted living facility in West Seattle. She agreed that I should look it over...which is progress.

Afterwards I went to buy some more outdoor pots and then met Pamela at the University Village street sale. Pamela showed me what she had found then took me over to her favorite shoe store. I found a couple of pairs of shoes that were 70% off...so we bought them. Pamela needed to eat some lunch so we went over to an Italian restaurant we like there. We were sitting there drinking water and deciding on something to nibble on when my cell phone rang. It was the nurse telling me that she was sorry but that my Dad had passed away. They found him slumped in the wheelchair where I had left him. I told her I would be there right away.

While we were walking to our cars I phoned Mark to tell him that Dad had died. I also phoned my best friend and asked her to come with me. Pamela headed out to pick up my Mom. We all gathered at the nursing home. I am a task oriented person so after kissing Dad's forehead I began packing his things. I also trimmed his mustache and shaved him.

Once Mom arrived she and I sat looking at Dad. I could tell that she was having a really hard time taking it in. She moved around the bed so she could kiss him. I sat with my head bowed and said a prayer thanking God for giving me such a great Dad...always there for me, always supportive, always in my corner.

We have made arrangements to have his body taken to Forest Lawn Cemetery. Mom brought a suit for him to wear. He will be cremated. Mom is asleep in the living room. Pamela made us dinner and she ate everything she was served. She says she is numb...I am too, but I keep thinking of things I need to do...things I need to take care of.....in this way, I am very much my Father's daughter. He took care of things his whole life..and now he has gone to be with the Lord that he worshipped he whole life. Like Dad said more than once near the end of his life.."No one has ever come back complaining!"

Robert Terrill Corliss
January 27, 1920 - June 24, 2007

Saturday, June 23, 2007

Pamela and I took lunch over to Mom today. She made another wonderful quiche. She also bought her some really good Rainier cherries. We had a nice lunch ...Mom really likes Pamela's cooking and seems to enjoy having people around to eat with her. After about an hour we took off to go to the classic car show nearby. It was fun to walk around looking at cars and spending some time with Pamela.

Later, I went over to the nursing home to feed Dad his dinner. He was sound asleep with one leg hanging off the bed. I moved it back up onto the bed but that made him really cranky. I spoke to the weekend nursing supervisor and she said he hadn't eaten any lunch...but had a good breakfast. She promised to save his tray for him and would make sure he had something to eat later in the evening.

I asked her to call me if anything changed...that I wanted to be with Dad while he was dying. We checked to see that she had my cell phone number and she said she would also put a note on his chart to have someone call me.

Friday, June 22, 2007

Mark called me at work to tell me that Dad had only eaten about a quarter of his lunch and was saying things that didn't make sense. I told him that had been going on for awhile...he says things...sometimes a few words make sense but then the rest of it doesn't follow any rational thought pattern. I thanked him for the update, finished up my work and then headed over to the nursing home. Along the way I stopped to pick up a couple of milkshakes...chocolate and blackberry. I knew that Dad's favorite flavor was chocolate...so I had a pretty good chance of getting him to drink it down. I moved his wheelchair into the area where they have a big screen TV and got us set up to spend some time together.

The shake was so thick that Dad had trouble pulling it up the straw. I went and found a spoon and fed it to him that way while he and I watched a biography of Cal Ripkin Jr. on TV. He seemed to enjoy the shake and finished it completely. After we both finished and the show was over he said he wanted to go back and lay down for awhile. Once he was in bed and comfortable I kissed him, told him I loved him and went home.

Once I got there I threw his clothes in the wash and took it easy for awhile. While I was folding his clothes I noticed that his name was inside the waistband. I vaguely remember the laundry person at Anderson House doing this so she could keep all the clothes in order. Looking at that waistband made me think that Dad was at some crazy summer camp...because that is what your Mom did to your clothes before you went off to camp. I finished folding everything and putting his shirts on hangers..put everything by the door and tried to relax the rest of the evening.

Thursday, June 21, 2007

Today was a busy day. I drove to pick Mom up early this morning. I took her to breakfast at one of my favorite pancake houses. She seemed kind of down ...mentioned that she hadn't really eaten dinner last night. Once I got her in the restaurant and got some coffee in her she started to perk up a bit. We ordered and then sat talking for a few minutes. Once our food arrived, she ate with quite a bit of enthusiasm. I gave her a piece of bacon from my plate to get some protein into her.

After breakfast we drove to the bank...which wasn't open...then drove to the credit union...which wasn't open. We decided to go back to the apartment to get the papers together that I would need to complete the Medicaid application for Dad. She had been resisting this...but finally gave in. After we gathered everything up we drove back to the bank and she got the funds she needed for essentials.

We drove out to see Dad next. He was in his room...so we all sat down. He was kind of awake...but seemed tired. After a while it was time for lunch..so I took him down to the lunchroom while Mom fell asleep in the chair in his room. I fed Dad until Mark showed up to take over. I went and got Mom...we said out goodbyes and then took her back to the car. I insisted that we stop at the store and buy some frozen dinners so she would have meals on hand. Once I got her home we sat down and had lunch. She is so alone and so sad these days. She wants to move into our basement...but I told her it wouldn't work. We are in the midst of finishing the basement...which will probably take the rest of the summer or longer. I took her to a nice assisted living facility right up the street from Dad's nursing home..but she says she can't afford it. In reality, she could probably afford it if we helped a bit.

I headed to the copy shop and the library to work on the Medicaid paperwork. Got it all together and then went to drop it off at DSHS. Headed home....let the dogs out...changed clothes and then headed back to the nursing home to feed Dad his dinner. His appetite is not as good as it was a week ago. He seems restless and distracted...also more remote. He kept putting something in my hand and telling me to put it in my pocket...of course there was nothing there but I played along anyway. After dinner we watched the news for a few minutes and then he wanted to go to bed. There are flashes of the Dad I knew in there...but more and more it feels like he is drifting away.