Saturday, August 4, 2007

I have been doing lots of "social things" in the last two days. It takes all the energy I can muster to be around other people, especially in a social situation. I feel this way even when we are with close friends. I feel like I am outside myself watching myself interact. The distance I feel is like being enclosed in cotton...knowing you are in a social situation but totally detached from it. I talk and laugh and ask questions etc. but feel like I am not really present. I think this must be what grief feels like.

I went to a cemetery tonight on Queen Anne Hill after having dinner with Pamela. I wanted to walk around by myself and find a couple of graves of people I have known over the years. I know 5 people that are buried in this particular cemetery. I walked around until I found the graves and thought about the people buried there and the years that I had known them. It may sound morbid but I actually feel calm when I am at the cemetery. It is quiet and fairly pretty...I walk around reading the graves and think about how other people's lives were changed by the death of their loved one. I don't know if this is wierd behavior or not, but I have always loved walking around cemeteries. When I lived in Paris, I made it a point to visit most of the cemeteries ....Pere LaChaise, Montparnasse, Passy....

I spent some time with Mom this afternoon, taking her shopping, doing her laundry and eating some lunch together. She was a little easier to deal with today, but still on her easiest day she can be exasperating. Sometimes I feel so much despair over having to deal with her on such a regular basis. She is my responsibility now...I have to help her, I have to look out for her...but I do not have to take any abuse. It gives me a new appreciation of how much work my Dad did to make it possible for my Mom to have as normal a life as possible given her personality disorder. He really took on a huge task in dealing with Mom. As he reached the end of his life, he told me that he couldn't handle her anymore. I told him not to worry...I would take care of Mom. Easier said than done I am finding.