Up early...around 5:30a.m. Laid in bed thinking for awhile...finally just got up and let the dogs out. Did some dishes...made some tea. The usual morning rhythms...but nothing seems the same anymore. I am going back to the therapist that I have worked with off and on since 1984. She knows the whole family history....so I think we can get to the heart of my depression a bit faster.
I look at the last five years...getting laid off from the library, opening and closing the store, Mom and Dad arriving....and Dad's death 10 months after their arrival and I see no bright spot except hanging out with Dad more over the last several months. Now that he is gone, there is such a void. I am also trying to find a job and not having much luck. My energy is so low...it is easy for me to just lay down and give up. I have been struggling with why it is necessary to even go on. I know I have to be the one to look out for Mom....but most of the time I feel I am just going through the motions...on autopilot.
This morning I am th liturgist at church....reading the responsive readings, helping with communion...etc. I do find some relief at church...just being part of a community.
I am bringing Mom over to the house for dinner after church. She has requested fried chicken. Her knee is giving her a hard time...so I am also going to take her back to the doctor on Tuesday afternoon. I worry about her circulation because of the diabetes.
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