Saturday, October 6, 2007

I took Mom to Sears today to buy some shoes to go with her new raincoat. Apparently clerks in the shoe department at Sears don't actually fit people with shoes...just bring them shoes but only if you ask for help. I ended up being the one to find and fit the shoes...we considered four different pairs before Mom settled on the ones that were the best fit. Fortunately, they were also the pair that were the most practical..with flat rubber soles and lace ties. Afterwards, I went to pick up a few things for her at the grocery store. Mom wanted to go have a cup of coffee and a piece of pie, so off we went to her favorite restaurant, Shari's. She seemed to be worrying about how long her money will hold out. I told her that she seemed to be doing pretty well and just take it one day at a time. Afterwards, I took her home, put her new shoes on for her to break them in, put her eye drops in and took off.

When I am with Mom I have so many different emotions. Sometimes I have a lot of empathy for her because she is in a touch place. Dad created a world that she could function in safely for years and now he is gone. Other times I get really exhausted and she just drives me crazy. We do have our good moments when we can share a laugh or enjoy a meal together. Today at the restaurant she told me how much money she has left to live on...so I know she is concerned about how she will get by.

When Mom was in the geriatric mental health hospital last December her social worker told me that she had a personality disorder. It turns out there are several and he never specified which one of them is Mom's personality disorder. From my research is would seem that she is a combination of two:


Schizotypal personality disorder:

Many believe that schizotypal personality disorder represents mild schizophrenia. The disorder is characterized by odd forms of thinking and perceiving, and individuals with this disorder often seek isolation from others. They sometimes believe to have extra sensory ability or that unrelated events relate to them in some important way. They generally engage in eccentric behavior and have difficulty concentrating for long periods of time. Their speech is often over elaborate and difficult to follow.

* Superstitious or preoccupied with paranormal phenomena
* Difficult to follow speech patterns
* Feelings of anxiety in social situations
* Suspiciousness and paranoia
* Appears shy, aloof, or withdrawn to others
* "Magical thinking" - the idea that you can influence people and events
with your thoughts
* Odd, elaborate style of dressing, speaking and interacting with others
* Belief that messages are hidden for you in public speeches and displays
* Suspicious or paranoid ideas

Borderline personality disorder

* Difficulty controlling emotions or impulses
* Frequent, dramatic changes in mood, opinions and plans
* Stormy relationships involving frequent, intense anger and possibly
physical fights
* Fear of being alone despite a tendency to push people away
* Feeling of emptiness inside
* Suicide attempts or self-mutilation

I would say Mom has all of these behaviors except the last one in the borderline personality disorder section. I have never know her to be suicidal or to self-mutilate.

So, given all of this I am doing the best I can. Some days are easier than others. Those "other" days really take it out of me.

I am leaving tomorrow night for a week in California..L.A. and Catalina Island. I need a break.