Saturday, February 23, 2008

The last week and a half have been very rough with Mom. She has been verbally hurtful and very combative. She told me that Dad couldn't wait to get away from me...this on the day that both her homophobia and racism reared their ugly heads again. I got really mad and threw her washing card at her feet and stomped out. I didn't talk to her for a day and a half...until she called me sounding small and weak. I don't know what the heck is going on with her. I have tried to maintain some distance in the last week out of self protection. She hasn't been doing as well as a result.

I went over to make her dinner tonight and bring her a few things she needed. She seemed really upset and depressed when I got there, but also kind of detached. Being alone in that apartment hour after hour can't be good for her...but she won't consider another healthier living situation for seniors. I tried to get her to talk about her feelings but she refuses to talk in any real depth. She did tell me that she hasn't slept well in the past couple of nights because of waking up a lot to go to the bathroom. I got her settled on the couch and told her to take a nap while I prepared dinner. She dozed a little but didn't really sleep.

She liked dinner and ate everything. While I washed up I encouraged her to get her nightgown on and prepare herself for bed. By the time I had the dishes done and the kitchen cleaned up she was sitting on the side of the bed. I sat down next to her and put my arm around her..she folded into me and I talked for a few minutes about how it is hard to accept that Dad is gone. I told her he had a long and interesting life with his work and his family, but that his body had finally given out on him. I told her that he did not necessarily want to die. I left her by saying that I would call in the morning and check in on her.

It strikes me that Mom deteriorates a bit when I don't contact her and visit her on a regular schedule. I have to put something in place for next week as I am flying to San Francisco with a friend for a few days of relaxation. Pamela said she would help out. I need some time away from all the stress ..but she needs regular care too.