Mom told me at dinner today that she wanted to die. She hates her apartment, her life, her inability to walk very well. She is so down on her whole existence that I have to work pretty hard not to just give up on her.
She wanted to get out of the apartment after dinner so I took her grocery shopping. She likes to go to Safeway because the shopping scooters giver her mobility that she doesn't have in any other situation. We made the rounds collecting the items that she needed and drove back to her apartment.
I put away her groceries and then turned to give her a big hug. She started crying which made me cry....we just held each other and cried..both of us missing Dad. She still cannot believe that he passed away first. It seems ironic to me in some wierd way. Dad spent most of his adult life taking care of my Mom. He created a world that she could function in...feel safe in. Now that he is gone, she is completely lost...adrift...not able to understand that he will never be there by her side again.
After I left, I drove away completely depressed and emotionally exhausted.
Pamela and I are planning a good Thanksgiving dinner for her. We just have to keep planning events that she will be part of that keep her somewhat engaged in life.
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