The circle of life

I picked up Mom early and took her to breakfast at McDonald's. Next we headed out to her old apartment. She sat and read her mail in her wheelchair while I did all the final cleaning. Got the ok from the Apt. Manager and then took off for IKEA.

I must have been out of my mind. IKEA on a Saturday? Mom was looking for a cabinet for her towels and a small table and chairs for her dining area. We didn't really find anything that she liked, but we did have a nice lunch there.

She wanted to go to WalMart next...an even worse idea on a Saturday. I pushed her around in her wheelchair while we picked up a few items..a dish pan, laundry soap, bleach and fabric softener. I finally convinced her to buy a 5 drawer plastic shelf unit. So there we were....me pushing her while she holds stuff on her lap and I am carrying the unit over my shoulder. Did I mention that there were no motorized shopping carts anywhere...probably all in use. After we paid, I parked Mom with everything and made three trips to the car....twice for her purchases and once for her.

We stopped at Safeway. Mom stayed in the car and I raced around the store picking up her requests and adding a few that I thought she really did need. More and more Mom forgets things...like what she needs, what something is called, the name of the store she wants to go to. So...I have learned to fill in the blanks.

Finally got her home....again several trips to get her, all the cleaning supplies, the vacuum, her groceries and the storage unit up to her apartment. I put everything away and then tried to hang a few pictures. Of course, Mom was being totally dictatorial during this activity...so I hung 2 mirrors and 2 pictures and just took off.

Mom appreciates all that I do, but I find being with her for 8 hours exhausting. She has this high pitched whiny voice that just drives me up the wall. She is so focused on herself that I get exasperated with her sometimes.

She told me today that she had done something bad. Not knowing what to expect, I asked her what she had done. Apparently, she had told Dad near the end of his life that the only reason she had remarried him in 1986 was for his Social Security benefits. This happened before they knew he had pancreatic cancer. She felt bad about what she had done and had no idea why she had said something so mean to Dad. She insisted that she loved Dad and that he loved her. I have no idea what they felt for each other. No wonder he called her a bitch during one of our last conversations five days before he died.

So...the circle of life...their lives, my life, the things we say and do to each other...all wrapped up in one big ball of contradictions.

Movin on down the road

So...I and a group of loyal and helpful friends managed to move Mom to her new apartment in West Seattle today. As expected she was a bit of a handful when we got to her apartment. She wanted to stage manage the entire move. Pamela and I had already come up with a strategy to head her off at the pass. Pamela took Mom to breakfast and then to the house to sit out the transition.

Of course the first bad thing that happened was breaking the tail lights off the truck next to the parking place for the truck. The guy came down, we exchanged numbers and moved on. He was really cool about it. Note to self...one more thing to deal with.

Dan and I got moving on the boxes while we waited for Brad to arrive. Dan and I got stuff in his car and the truck. Once Brad got there, the big and heavy furniture went into the truck. We were all sweating like pigs..but at least it wasn't raining. After about a hour and half we all headed off for West Seattle caravan style.

I knew there was a Seafair parade happening...but thought we would be able to get through the police barricade as Mom's place is at the far end of the parade. No way..the police turned us back...necessitating a 3 point turn in a Uhaul truck. We took side streets...with cars on both sides and other drivers trying to navigate around the parade. It was stressful ...but we all finally got to the back of the building by the garage door entrance. The whole atmosphere felt a little Fellini to me...drill teams in skin tight dresses with spangles and wild hats...fancy cars with fancy Seafair princesses, floats...

Unloading boxes, furniture, TV...dressers...all the detritus of a person's life. Luckily, Anne and Jay showed up at this point, so we had five pairs of hands loading the stuff into the service elevator. I fell over a parking curb twice...gray on gray garage cement....landed on my hands and face....ready just to lay there and cry. I swear...this is the last time I move Mom. She has moved three times in three years...and I have just reached my limit.

While we were moving I kept getting update calls from Pamela. Mom was being a full tilt bitch. Saying that I have been so mean to her. Hitting our dog Macy with her cane because Macy licked her leg. Telling Pamela that we should get rid of all our junky furniture and use the nice things she has given us. All the while I am trying to manage the move.

We dropped off all the stuff we couldn't get into the new smaller apartment back at the house. We headed back to apartment to pick up the Uhaul dolly we forgot when we left. All the while Jay and Anne are putting the bed frame and the new mattress and low profile boxspring together.

Once I got to Uhaul I had to turn around and go back to fill up the tank at the gas station. Finally got the truck dropped off and the right bill...after the guy incorrectly charged me for a extra day.

Dan dropped me back at the apartment. Jay and Anne left and I headed up the street to the hardware store to make two more apartment keys. One for me and one for my brother.

Finally called Pamela and told her to bring Mom over. She got some lunch for all of us on the way. We all ate and then we moved stuff around and unpacked enough boxes so that Mom could walk around. Pamela made her bed and then we took most of the boxes to the basement for recycling.

We started at 7:00a.m. this morning and finally got home after 5pm. My hands and right big toe are scrapped and bruised. I am totally exhausted.

The good news is...the move is over...and I have a wonderful partner and wonderful friends who all played a part in making this event successful.

Tomorrow I go back and take Mom to the store. I will have to go back to her old apartment sometime this week to clean it up and turn in the keys.

All day, I really missed Dad.

The train is leaving the station

I have taken a month off from blogging...exhausted by all the things I have been doing to change her situation. For myself...I am exhausted with driving to the other end of the city. We have been talking every day, twice a day...in the morning as I wait for my bus for work..and at night as I stand downtown waiting for my bus.

In the meantime I finally found a studio apartment in West Seattle that had a washer and dryer in the unit...one of her main requests. I did an advance visit and then took her there later in the day. The thing I like about the apartment is that you can see Puget Sound when you open the door of her place. There is a bank of windows that looks directly onto the water. For me, that has always been a soothing experience. I have no idea if she will appreciate it. She tends to barricade herself....but I wanted it to give her small view.

She has been packing for the last two weeks. There are boxes all over her apartment. She doesn't move until July 18th, but it gives her something to do. I have hauled things out and stored a chair in the basement.

My brother was supposed to help with the move, but now had something more important to do that day. I am trying to round up a group of male friends to help.

I am exhausted just thinking about the next two weeks. Mom wants Mark to take her living room furniture. He doesn't want it at all. He is basically worthless as far as I am concerned.

Again, I am managing everything...doing most of everything that needs to be done. I know what Dad felt like now with all their moving over the years. I find it hard to believe that they were able to manage a move up here in 2006 when Dad no doubt had cancer. He must have really wanted to get here so that I could help him.

Yesterday was one of the worst days I have had with Mom in awhile. The entire week had been building to her finally signing an agreement to move into a retirement home about 10 minutes from the house. I spent all of last Monday taking her to lunch at the facility, and touring her through every unit available in her price range. She went back and forth all week after being initially positive about the move. I went out and had dinner with her Thursday night and talked with her until she again agreed to the move.

Saturday morning I went out to her apartment and picked her up. We went back to our house where Pamela had a beautiful breakfast ready. After breakfast we both took her to the facility. Pamela and I were ready to measure her room and start figuring out the position of her furniture. As soon as we started rolling her down the hall she started being really agitated and upset. She kept saying that her room was too far from everything...that she wouldn't be able to make it to the dining room. Once we got her to the room she just kept babbling about how she couldn't do it. I quickly realized that she had no intention of actually moving. The woman at the facility told us that Mom's behavior was a form of dementia and that I would need to take control. Well...taking conrol with my Mom has never been possible, especially now. So we gave up and left the facility.

When we got Mom back to the car she told Pamela that she just wanted to die. I was so angry at her at this point, that I couldn't even look at her. She apologized all day. I took her to the Mall to get her watch fixed....but then she wanted to look for a white jacket to match her new skirt. As I pushed her around the Mall I just sank deeper and deeper into despair over the whole situation. I cannot take this anymore.

I am totally exhausted and emotionally spent. Mom has been a difficult person my entire life. Now that she is elderly she is even more difficult to deal with. Not only is she difficult, manipulative and needy, but she is also anxious all the time. Dad is not here to help out and he actually had the most up close experience in dealing with her. I am just totally depressed at this moment.

Mom in May

I drove over after church today to make Mom some dinner. When I arrived I took a picture of her in the red chair. This is usually how I find her..sometimes awake, sometimes asleep.

I asked her if I could take a couple of pictures ....she protested at first, but then gave in. I can see how much she has changed in the last two years.



Mom seemed different today. She said she was so tired...so blue. After dinner and cleaning up the dishes, I insisted that we go for a drive and get some ice cream cones. She got her favorite Black Walnut ice cream. We drove around a bit, mostly just in the North End of Seattle. Mom always comments on how many new buildings there are in Seattle now.

I finally drove Mom home and helped her get into her apartment. She really seems to need a lot more help with walking. After I got her settled, I asked her how much water she had had today...only about a glass and a half. I asked her to drink more before she goes to bed.

Tomorrow I take her to her doctor for a checkup. I told her I would bring the wheelchair. She can choose whether or not she wants to use it.

She told me all the things she usually tells me as I leave...she loves me, she appreciates all that I am doing for her...and I walk out the door after hugging and kissing her goodbye.

Mother's Day

Today is my Mom's 57th Mother's Day. To celebrate, I took her to lunch at her favorite restaurant.

She was all dressed and ready to go when I arrived. First, I showed her the pot of flowers that Pamela had put together. She loved it...I had selected two pink geraniums, some beautiful pink and green stripped coleus, and a bright green potato vine. I placed it on her table outside on her patio...so she can see it and easily water it and tend to the plants.

We made our way downstairs, me with a bag of garbage and holding on to Mom's arm. She is unsteady on her feet now, so it is important to hold her. We went through our usual routine: she hands me her cane, I put it between the front seats. She moves slowly into the seat and I help her get her legs and feet into the car. I buckled her in and shut the door. Off we went after stopping at the dumpster to leave her bag of garbage.

Luckily, when we got to the restaurant, there was a free handicapped parking spot right by the door. I helped Mom get on of the car and made sure she was steady on her feet before closing the door. As we made our way into the restaurant, several men opened the doors for us. I kept my hands on Mom as I helped her up the stairs. I got her seated on a bench and then put our names in. The place was packed for Mother's Day, so we had to wait about a half hour...since we wanted lunch not dinner. They made everyone wait to be seated for lunch.

I asked Mom if she wanted me to go get her anything, since she kept saying that she was really hungry. She wanted a milkshake, so I went to another restaurant on the wharf and got one of the best chocolate shakes I have ever tasted to date! Mom sat drinking her shake and watching all the people passing by. She loves to watch people.

Eventually, they came to seat us and we made our way slowly through the restaurant to a booth that was build up off the floor. I helped Mom up, and helped her get comfortable by straightening her skirt underneath her. The waiter brought drinks and the focaccia bread right away...which is what Mom always remembers about this restaurant. She ate several pieces and looked at the menu. I decided on a Shrimp Louie, but Mom seemed a little overwhelmed by the menu. I sat next to her and offered a couple of ideas. She finally just told me to order for her. Given her problems with swallowing food, I went with something easy ...shrimp fettuccine.

Mom ate like she was starving. Despite the fact that her portion was huge, she managed to eat two thirds of her dish. I told her we could have them box the rest for her, but she wasn't interested in taking it home. She did however jump at the chance to take home some of the bread.

After I paid the bill, we started to make our way slowly through the restaurant. Again, people opened doors for us as we exited. I got Mom into the car and then we went for a little drive. We stopped along the way to pick up a few things that Mom needed at the grocery store.

As we were headed home, Mom told me that she is really weak...at lunch she mentioned that she sleeps about 12 hours a day plus takes naps. When we finally got home, I could tell that she was completely wiped out. She said she was going to take a nap, so I suggested that I help her undress and change. I got her into her house wrap and some slippers. I found a golf game on TV for her to watch and doze to.

As I was leaving, Mom looked and me and said she wasn't going to be here much longer. I told her that may be the case, but while she is here, I am looking out for her. I gave her a hug and a kiss and turned to leave. She closed her apartment door smiling at me.

I got in my car and drove home with a heavy heart. Even when you have had a difficult relationship with a parent, it is sad to think that someday you will never be able to talk to them again. I feel that all the time about Dad.

Sometimes I wonder....does Mom have a 6th sense about her impending death...or is she just being melodramatic? I have no idea...I just know that it is hard to deal with the situation.

On the bright side, she had a good afternoon out, a wonderful lunch and little drive ....all with her only daughter who is doing her best to help.

Bacon grease

Mom has second degree burns on her left hand from a bacon grease accident yesterday. I talked to last night right after it happened and told her I would bring some ointment today. I talked to her as we were getting ready to leave for an event ...so I couldnt go last night.

I packed up my supplies this morning and made it out to her place by 10.00am. She was sound asleep in the chair when I arrived. As soon as she woke up, I took a look at her hand and assessed the damage. Her hand is swollen with large blisters on the last three fingers. I cleaned it off with an alcohol wipe and then put some Solarcaine on it. It has Aloe Vera and cools the hand. After that, I went over to the drugstore and bought her some vinyl gloves to keep her hands dry, and some liquid antibiotic wash. Once I got back, I wrote up a care sheet for her and explained everything twice.

Mom seemed really depressed today...said she was more trouble than she is worth, and just generally down on herself. She cried a little while I was there...as I tried to get her back on track. This latest event seems to be pushing her into a deeper depression.