The detritus of a life

So here I am three years past Mom's death and just starting to deal with her clothes, paperwork and other detritus of her life.  I find things that make me stop and examine her in new ways.  I consider her curly signature and she comes back to life.  Today it is bank statements.  Like many of her generation she never threw paperwork away.  I tried to get her to shred her bank statements, receipts, CD notices of renewal.

No...there they all are in a grocery bag.  I pull everything out of envelopes.  I unfold everything...lay it flat.  I am preparing to shred all of it.  I have to say, it feels strange, it feels sad, it feels final.  Not the way I am sure she wanted her documents to end.  She probably wanted me to save everything...to keep it safe.  To keep it away from prying eyes.  She was always a suspicious person...one not inclined to trust others. In the end, she was forced to trust me because my brother wouldn't help her and my Dad was already gone.

I can remember many trips to the bank to check her balance, to renew her CD's...to make sure everything was in order.  She calculated and recalculated her statements.  As this became more difficult, she became more frustrated.  One of our last big confrontations was over her checking account balance.  She didn't understand what I was trying to explain to her and I couldn't handle the frustration of trying to get her to understand anymore.  In light of the information that she suffered from dementia all this becomes clearer now.

I see her final bills for the nursing home and I am brought back to that time of thrice weekly visits.  Eating dinner with her every Tuesday and Thursday night.  Breakfast there every Sunday morning.  Always fending off her pleas to come home with me.  My explanations about the house not being set up for someone in a wheelchair.  The bags of double chocolate peanuts to keep her happy.  Trying to get her to be interested in anything.  It turned out she was interested in sitting in the hall by the dining room.  She loved to people watch..had been doing it all of her life.

She was actually surrounded by people.  She was no longer isolated in her apartment looking out the window as people walked on the sidewalk below.

In the end, she was not happy in the nursing home...but then again, who really is happy in a place where you go to die?  She said she would not see 93 in her last fall.  I told her that she was not entirely in charge, but it turned out she was.  She died at 92 on Oct. 3, 2012, one day after my birth 58 years before in 1954.  I think it was her desire to hang on for my birthday.  It may also have been her plan that I would never forget her if she died one day after my birthday.  In the end, she was in charge.  As her daughter, I always saw her as a force of nature....in all that was good about her and all that was bad about her.

To your detritus, Genevieve.  I loved you then, I love you now.  I feared you then, but I no longer fear you now.  Rest in peace.

March 1, 2015

Now we have lost both of these souls. Mom would have been 95 today.  One thing that I really loved about her was her love of dogs.  Here is one of my favorite Christmas pictures of her and our dog Milo on Christmas Day 2009.  He really sensed that she would allow him up on the couch and that he would get away with it because Grandma said it was ok!  Now Milo joins Dad and Mom and all our other pets in a place of happiness and joy.  I know their reunion was one full of love. 

Milo passed away last Tuesday morning after suffering from Congestive Heart Failure for several months. He joined our family in September 2001 as a 10 week old puppy who had been returned twice to the Seattle Animal Shelter. He was a little dog with a big personality, endless energy, a voracious appetite for food and fun, and more than a little bit of the rascal in him. He was much loved and will be deeply missed by all who knew him. He is no doubt running and playing with Aggie, Bete, Rue, Linus and Cleo now that they are all together again. He leaves behind his family:  Haven, Pamela, Bonita, Macy and North.  Bless the beasts.

Christmas Eve, 2014

It is my custom to decorate Mom, Dad and graves every Christmas.  This year it was especially tough because I have been missing them so much.  This compounded with the fact that I found out Dec. 22 that I am getting laid off January 7 kind of put me over the edge.  This is just the kind of thing I would want to talk over with them.  They were always supportive whenever work issues came up over the years.  What I am trying to do is hear their voices in my ears ....remember the words that they would say to help me deal with such a big and sudden event.  I really wish I could talk to them...even for just an hour.  I guess I will have to wait to see them on the other side when my time comes to join them.

Merry Christmas Mom and Dad.  I love you.

All Saints Day

As has become my custom, I always put pumpkins on Mom and Dad and Grandmother's graves for Halloween.  It lends a bit of the spirit of the season in the cold and wet cemetery.

Today is All Saints Day, a Catholic holy day to honor the dead.  When I moved to France I learned just how important this day was to people all over France.  In Paris, it is the custom to pack a lunch and your grave cleaning supplies and go spend part of the day with your deceased friends and relatives.  Far from being morbid, I found it to be a warm and wonderful custom that involves whole families.

While I didn't do that much at the actual grave, I did bring the pumpkins and talk with Mom and Dad as I do every time I visit them.  It never seems like much, but I am not really sure what else I can do.  What I did for them, I did while they were still alive.  After their deaths, I buried them with the ringing of a Tibetan Bell and words from the Bible and other traditions.

It has been 2 years since Mom's death and 7 years since Dad's death.  Still, many times, I long to speak to them both if only for a few precious minutes.  The other day I was driving my car to work listening to a father talk about his 27 year old daughter's battle with breast cancer.  He is at every appointment and takes care of her as only a parent can take care of a child.  He closed by playing a song called "Daddy's Girl" and suddenly I found myself sobbing at a red light.  Grief sneaks up on me in ways that I can never anticipate. Crying was a good release in that moment...because it reminded me that I am and always have been Daddy's girl.

I miss them both, I love them both.  As All Saint's Day comes to a close I remember them and honor them now and forever.

7 years

7 years ago today my Dad, Robert T. Corliss died. Not a day goes by that I don't think of him and wish that I could have another chance to talk with him.  Instead, I bought flowers and arranged them at the grave he shares with my Mom....always remembering to leave some flowers at my grandmother Lydia's grave which is right next to Mom and Dad.

Walking the dogs tonight I looked up in the sky and saw a big hole with shafts of sunlight coming through the clouds.  I have always associated this sight as Dad looking down on me.  Whether it is true is of no importance.  It is one more way I remember and honor his presence in my life.

Oh, Dad...

Oh, Dad, you have been on my mind throughout today...the 6th Father's Day without you.  I finally had time tonight to go to the store to get some flowers for the grave...but everything looked a little spent.  I could hear your voice in my ear..."Don't waste money on these old flowers".  So I left and came home to write you this letter.

Thanks for all the times you had my back.
Thanks for all the times you listened and then listened some more.
Thanks for always believing in me and cheering me on.
Thanks for always believing anything I wanted to do could be done.
Thanks for telling me about drinking and giving me that great advice...Moderation in all things.
Thanks for being there when I fell down...for picking me up gently and with love.
Thanks for all you taught me to do...ride a bike...ski...believe in God...and too many things to list.

Your sister Josephine told me after your death that you adored me.  Well, Dad...the feeling is mutual.
I am still a little lost without you..without your constant loving voice.
I am trying to be the parent to Haven that you were to me.
I guess that is my greatest tribute to you.

I love you, Dad.  Always have, always will.
Happy Father's Day

Happy Birthday, Dad

January 27, 2014 would have been Dad's 94th birthday.  He always hoped to live to be at least 95, but that didn't happen.  Still, Dad had a wonderful attitude at the end of his life.  He was so accepting and funny about his death.  I remember him saying to me "No one has ever come back complaining".  I think that was also the way Dad lived his life...never complaining...just getting on with it as best he could in good times and in bad times.  I miss him every day.

December 2013 - Forest Lawn Cemetery, Seattle

It has been cold this past week.  The wreath on Mom and Dad's grave has frost on it .  It has been hard the last few weeks.  I have been missing them a lot.  I had a dream about them this morning.  We were going to have lunch together.  Then I woke up and laid there is the dark realizing that it had just been a dream.  At least I got to see them for awhile in my dream.  Maybe their spirits know that I have been missing them and not doing too well recently.  It was nice of them to visit.

Almost one year later

Mom and Dad are much on my mind these days.  We are approaching the one year anniversary of Mom's death on October 3.  I am approaching my 59th birthday on Oct 2nd.  My birthdays were always a special time with Mom and Dad.  There were always cards and gifts.  When I was a kid I got to select the menu for my birthday dinner.  Most of all, I always felt special on my birthday.

I remember that Mom was upset that she had not gotten me a card last year.  I went out and bought one that she could sign and give to me.  She held onto life through my birthday and finally let go the next day.  Her death and my birth will always be linked in my mind now.

I was born on a day much like today...warm, sunny...a beautiful autumn day.  Mom used to tell me the story of my birth every year.  Now I pay it forward with our daughter Haven.  I tell her the story of her birth.  Paying it forward....that is how I hang onto to life these days.  I have to say that I am struggling with sadness, a loneliness like I have never experienced before.  Mom and Dad had such a big presence in my life..now they are both gone.  I am struggling with the loss of them every single day.

This is the day...

"This is the day that the Lord has made...this is the day"

This is also the 6th anniversary of Dad's death and he and Mom are much on my mind.  I miss them both...but most especially Dad.  He was such a calm and motivating presence in my life.  No one has yet emerged who can take his place.

The way I try and pay it forward is by being calm and positive with my daughter Haven.  She is three now and a bunch of contradictions...sweet one moment, putting her finger up her nose and licking it the next.  She can be challenging at bedtime because it appears that she is a night owl.  By that I mean we can't get her to sleep sometimes before midnight.  So...when faced with this situation, I channel Dad.  Breathe, be calm, set boundaries...breathe some more.

I can remember so many times in my life when Dad acted as mediator between me and Mom.  So many times where he appreciated what I was doing in school...from kindergarten through both rounds of graduate school.  How supportive he was when we had In Bloom Home and Garden.  He just always had something positive to say despite the challenges, despite the problems with Mom's state of mind....despite everything.  He was a glass overflowing kind of guy.

I wish I could spend even one hour talking with him....to hear his voice...to soak up his wisdom  Now I think of him and stand at his grave talking to him...but that does not make me sad.  It gives me a tangible place to spend time with him and with Mom.

A life coach I was seeing during the time right around Dad's death wrote this in a card to me:
"I'm so sorry to hear of the loss of your father.  And so grateful for the love and devotion
he poured into you throughout your life.  He leaves a wise and good woman as a legacy."

My job now is to continue to live up to that legacy and pass it onto Haven every day.  I wish Dad had met Haven...he would have loved her so.  Sometimes when I talk to her I feel his voice coming through me.  I guess that is the way it works in life.

Memorial Day 2013

Memorial Day 2013.  I made a trip over to the cemetery yesterday with a couple of American flags I had purchased at the store.  The cemetery staff were  putting out the last white crosses and flags.  I spoke to one of them and asked if my parents could have a cross since both are veterans.  The gentleman apologized and said the Boy Scouts just put out crosses and flags on graves where the headstone has the emblem for the branch of the service that the deceased was in during their lifetime.  He gladly put a white cross up at Mom and Dad's grave and wrote down their names so they will receive the cross and flag in future years.

Mom was in the Women's Auxiliary Army Corp for six months.  She served as a telephone operator in Utah.  Dad was Storekeeper Third Class, typing up orders for others to ship out from a desk in San Diego.  Neither of them saw "action" in World War II, but both served their country with the skills and abilities they possessed.

So, Mom, Dad....I salute you both on this Memorial Day.  I am proud of the ways in which you both served your country.

March 1, 2013

                                                                  

Today would have been Mom's 93rd birthday.  Near the end of her life she told me that she hoped she wouldn't make it to 93.  She got her wish, but oh, how I wish she were here today to celebrate.  I put some pink gerbera daisies and some pink roses on Mom and Dad's grave last night after work.  I went back today after work just to stand there and reflect for a few moments.  I miss both of them tremendously...every day.

When I arrived home I found Mom's final bill from the nursing home in the mail...over $1100.  I have not done her taxes yet, but that is next on the list.  Once that is taken care of I will close her bank account and split the last of the funds with my brother.

 So...I volley between the sacred and the profane.Standing at their grave feels sacred to me.  I guess dealing with the final details of Mom's life can be sacred too.

Happy Birthday, Mom.  I love you and I miss you.

                                                     Mom's last birthday, March 1, 2012

                                                      
                                                      A good day a few years ago

                                         

A different kind of New Year

I have very little energy for any sort of New Year celebration.  I hope that this year is going to be a good one...one filled with promise, fun and new adventures.

I am also mindful that this is the first year that both Mom and Dad will be gone.  I visited the grave on New Year's Eve.  I talked to them and told them how much I miss them.  There is a hole that no one else but my parents can fill.  I know over time it will get easier, but right now that is hard to imagine.  I have been sorting through photos on my phone and came up with several of Mom that tell the story of her final years...years of struggle and illness...years alone without my Dad.

Mom fast asleep in her chair

Mom watching out her window

Mom in her new outfit

Mom's last visit with Santa - Dec. 2011

Christmas Eve 2012

It is early in the morning on Christmas eve.  I got up early to feed the dogs and let them out.  Once I am up, it is hard for me to get back to sleep....so here I am making another entry into my blog.


This is the first Christmas without Mom or Dad.  I have had a really hard time getting engaged with the season, but I am doing my best for Pamela and Haven's sake.

I have visited Mom and Dad's grave regularly since they were buried in October.  I put wreaths on their grave and my Grandmother's grave, which is right next to Mom and Dad.  I stand there and talk to them...tell them that I miss them...love them....I know they are not really there anymore..just their remains.  Somehow, having a place to visit helps a bit.

I am glad that I had the last five years with Mom.  At first, I dreaded having to manage her on my own without Dad, but in the end I am grateful that we had that extra time together.  There were certainly highs and lows as this blog attests, but still I am grateful.  All we have with people we love is a limited amount of time to enjoy each others' company.  Mom and I had that over the last several years.

I am sorry that she won't be with us this year. I wish Mom and Dad were both coming to our house today for presents and dinner.  Dad would have so enjoyed Haven and Mom would have loved whatever gorgeous outfit Pamela will dress her in today.  Nothing and no one every replaces parents.

Life goes on

I made it through my first Thanksgiving without Mom or Dad.  I visited the grave the night before the holiday.  I always clean the gravestone and arrange the flowers.  I talk with them and let them know that I love and miss them.  It feels like all I can do now.

I feel kind of hollow and flat these days.  This is normal and will eventually pass.

In the meantime, we have been dealing with major plumbing issues for a week.  Last Monday, the utility room flooded sending water out into the basement and soaking the carpet.  The plumber came and tried to clear the drains Wednesday night...but gave up at 11pm.   By Friday morning we had even more water in the basement.  A whole crew showed up and pumped out the basement.  They also dug a hole the size of a gravesite in the front yard trying to get to the plumbing.  They are still not sure where the source of the problem is in the system.  It has been a rough week.

This rug and a lot of our belongings were soaked!

Mom and Dad are finally together again.  I saw the stone for the first time today.  I talked to Mom and Dad....I cried.  I felt more alone than I ever have in my life.  I am sure this is a normal part of grieving....but it seems more final now that they are both gone.  I miss them so.

October 15, 2012

BURIAL SERVICE FOR GENEVIEVE E. and  ROBERT T. CORLISS
OCTOBER 15, 2012

10:00AM

Forest Lawn Cemetery
Seattle, WA

Revelation 14:13

I heard a voice from heaven say, Write this: Blessed are the dead who die

in the Lord from now on. Yes, said the Spirit, let them find rest from their

labors, for their works accompany them.

BELL CEREMONY

Dad and Mom, with the ringing of this bell, we bid you safe journey.

BLESSING

May the wind be always at your backs.
May the sun shine warm upon your faces,
And the rains fall soft upon your fields.
Until we meet again,
May God hold you both in the palm of His Hand.

COMMITTAL OF ASHES

In sure and certain hope of the resurrection to eternal life through our Lord Jesus Christ, we commend to Almighty God: Robert T. and Genevieve E. Corliss.   We commit them to the ground; earth to earth; ashes to ashes, dust to dust. The Lord bless them and keep them, the Lord maketh his face to shine upon them and be gracious unto them and give them peace.  Amen.

Having committed Robert and Genevieve’s Spirits to eternal rest, we thank them for all they have given to us in their long and loving lives.  What good they have shown us, we will show to others.

Dad and Mom, we release you now to the next part of your spiritual journey as you walk hand in hand with your Creator. All those who have gone before you are lighting your way."  

Dad and Mom, with the ringing of this bell, we bid you safe journey.  Amen.

Ringing of the Tibetan Bell


Celebrant:  Bonita Corliss  Witness:  Pamela Wilkins

Genevieve E. Corliss

                                                                                            Mom on October 1, 2012

Genevieve Eleanor Corliss was born in Danville, Illinois on March 1, 1920 and passed away on October 3, 2012 in Burien, WA at the age of 92. 

 

Mom grew up during the Roaring Twenties and the Great Depression. As a young woman she joined the Women’s Auxiliary Army Corp during World War II.  She served as a telephone operator.  She returned to Seattle and continued to work for the telephone company.  In 1946 she met Robert T. Corliss and they married in August 1947.  In the years that followed they had two children, Mark and Bonita.

Mom was always up to try something new.  As a family we skied, ice skated and played tennis.  Mom and Dad both loved golf, which they played for many years.  They were both accomplished “hole in one” golfers during their years of retirement in Arizona.  They lived there for 28 years, but always found time to come back to Seattle to visit many times over the years.

With Dad’s passing in June 2007, Mom lost her companion and friend of 60 years.  She adjusted to living full time in Seattle and spent many happy hours with her daughter Bonita shopping, going to lunch, and enjoying the scenery on long car rides.  She always enjoyed holiday celebrations with Bonita and Pamela and in 2010; their daughter Haven joined the fun.

Mom struggled with ill health in the last years of her life, but proved to be a strong and determined person.  She lived her life the way she chose to live it.  One example of her determination occurred in early May 2011 when she was recuperating from a broken hip.  She decided that she wanted to go home before her release date.  She escaped from the facility and took a cab home!  Mom could be a force of nature!

She was preceded in death by her father Clifton, Mother Carolyn, sisters Helen and Juanita, and her husband Robert T. Corliss.  She is survived by her son Mark (Sharon), daughter Bonita (Pamela) and four grandchildren, Danny, Josh, Lizzie and Haven.

The family would like to thank her caregivers at Highline Hospice, Scott, Rosie and Sharon.  The family would also like to thank all the staff at Burien Nursing and Rehabilitation and Dr. Buttitta.  They provided Mom with the best of care over the last several months of Mom’s life.

Mom always said "I love you so" as I left the nursing home.  I loved her as much as she loved me and I will always be grateful that she was my Mom.

At her request, there will be no service.  Cremation took place on October 12, 2012.  Now Genevieve and Robert will be buried together on October 15, 2012 at Forest Lawn Cemetery in West Seattle, WA.  Mom and Dad can finally rest in peace next to her mother, Carolyn L. Marion.   

God bless them all. 

Mom passes

                                                              Genevieve Eleanor Corliss
                                                         March 1, 1920 - October 3, 2012

Mom died sometime between 10pm and 11:30pm last night at a local nursing home.  She was seriously ill with end stage congestive heart failure.  I spent part of the evening with her, until about 9pm.  She seemed hot, so I washed her face, hands and arms with a cool cloth.  I watched her breathe and felt so bad that it had come to this for her.

The good news is that she is no longer in pain, no longer unhappy, no longer missing my Dad.  I will write more later, but this is all I can do right now.  I am so tired, I just need to go to bed.

Morphine

Mom is on morphine every hour as needed.  Her cough from the Congestive Heart Failure is really terrible.  Mom is now in bed all the time and is dosed with liquid morphine every hour.  This is to keep her comfortable.

She lays in bed and tries to get out.  She moans a bit and picks at her gown.  They have her moored inside a pillow barrier to keep her safe.  Mats are on either side of her bed in case she does manage to get out and then fall.  She opens her eyes a bit, but mostly seems out of it.  I sit and hold her hand, or wipe her face.  I tell her I love her.  I see her twice a day and always leave the nursing home drained and exhausted.

She seems a little agitated despite the Atavan.  She has eaten nothing since Monday.  Her breathing is labored.  I have no idea when she will die, but I am sure that this is the final stage.  I wish I could see her smile just once more...but it seems that Mom is not going to reappear.

This is a photo I took of Mom on Monday.   I had come out to the nursing home to fill out the Hospice paperwork.  She wanted to go to a musical event that was happening that day in the dining room.  It was an accordion concert for Octoberfest.  The activities staff served German Chocolate cake, sausage and sauerkraut and Martinelli's cider.  Mom tried to eat a little bit of the cake and sausage...but mostly left her plate full.  She did drink a little Martinelli's.  I am glad I have one final photo of her smiling.

Genevieve Eleanor Corliss.....we are on our final journey together...and already I miss you.