Mom called this morning. She wanted me to come over today with my rug cleaner and small rug machine and clean a bad spot in her living room. She thinks I am more available now that I am not working. I am working hard at not being there every time she calls.
See, the deal is, she is terribly lonely. My father was there 24 hours a day, 7 days a week for years. She was used to having him around to direct and oversee. Now, she is lonely with a capital L and says so almost every time I talk with her on the phone, or when I am leaving her apartment. I told her yesterday that I cannot be there 24/7. I am not Dad....and this situation is what she chose for herself. She said she wanted a smaller apartment with a washer and dryer and that is what I found for her. I just walk away exhausted with her neediness...her dependence.
She says she won't be around much longer...she reminds me that she is 90 now. It isn't so much that I long for her death. I just want to have some breathing room...and she wants more of me than is healthy to give.
The dance goes on....
