Hiney Niney

Hiney Niney...that is what Mom calls the H1N1 virus. It has a ring to it. I think Mom was confused by what was being said about the virus on TV....but I like the name she came up with for it.

Last Sunday Mom wasn't even out of bed when I went over to take her to lunch. The apartment was dark when I walked in after noon. I walked over to the bed and thought Mom looked dead. She was sprawled across the bed and not moving. I approached her and touched her just a little. She turned over and looked white as a sheet. Her face was puffy. She wasn't feeling well..probably a cold, maybe the seasonal flu.

I got her to sit up and have something to eat. I went to the store and got all her groceries. When I got back, I got her to eat some tropical fruit mix, a few crackers, a cup of coffee and some water. I got her all settled back into her chair before I took her garbage down to the compactor.

She was so weak for a couple of days. She seems to be doing a little better now. She wants to go to the bank tomorrow.

This experience really scared me. More practice....I am getting so practiced.

What would I do without you?

That is what my Mom says now almost every time I see her. She is usually on the edge of tears when she says it. It is always heart wrenching to hear this phrase. I know she feels so vulnerable and lost. I know she is struggling to keep track of little things...big things...things in general.

Mom is bruising now...just like Dad did near the end of his life. She says that she bumps into things around the apartment...or that she does it when she opens the door. She is definitely getting frailer and frailer.

I feel like I had a ring side seat is some kind of awful Kabuki theater....watching the decline of my Mom. Half the time I want to just sit down and cry myself...but when I am with her I try to remain calm and just ask her to tell me what is going on. She struggles to get the right words to describe her situation. The longer I wait the easier it becomes for her. She just needs me to be patient.

At the same time, when I have suggested that I am worried about her long term ability to continue living alone, she roars to life and tells me in no uncertain terms that she WILL NOT MOVE INTO ONE OF THOSE PLACES. Ok, I get it...so I distract her with another line of conversation.

This is no easy task....but I am learning so much about compassion, patience and empathy.

Sunday routine

I am up early...drinking tea, eating cereal with some of the last fresh raspberries of the season. One of life's joys....quiet time in the morning having a great breakfast.

Today, I will go to take Mom to lunch and do some shopping. I am worried that Mom's ability to cook for herself is diminishing. She often "forgets" to eat dinner.

She spent yesterday watching TV...Ted Kennedy's funeral, the U.S. Open, the news. The television has become her daily contact with the world. She oftens mishears things and misinterprets information. Often when I leave, to make it easier, I put the TV on and she becomes totally engrossed in it as I lock the door.

Mom definitely has some kind of dementia going on. When we meet her new doctor at the end of September, I hope she can do some cognitive testings. Not that it will change anything...I just need to know what I am dealing with when I am with Mom.

Drape drama

Mom and I have been working on a drape project for over a week. I took her shopping for drapes last Saturday....that was 5 long hours of going in one store after another looking at drapes. Her world view of drapes is that they are lined, have little metal hooks and a drawstring. Custom made drapes are not in her budget so we have settled on a less expensive alternative.

I found some drapes and valances on sale at Sears. After several trips back and forth, we finally have all of the necessary pieces of hardware and software. I hung one set last night in 86 degree heat. Drilling a few holes and hanging a drape with valances should be easy...but it really isn't. After an hour and a half of drilling and figuring, I had the first set up.

Mom was actually pretty good during this process...sitting in the chair watching without too much back seat driving behavior. She could see that I was tired and sweating like a pig. She really liked the look of the window after I got everything installed and the drapes hung. This weekend I will do the second window.

I have to say that I was dreading this chore. Mom tends to "supervise" in a way that drives me wild. I was glad that she held back this time and let me just do the job on my own.

Their anniversary

I took Mom and Pamela out to dinner tonight at Anthony's on the waterfront downtown. Mom has been struggling this week with the fact that today was the day that she and Dad got married in 1947. When she mentioned that their anniversary was this week I asked her what she was going to do on the 8th of August. She said she was going to cry all day. Well..that didn't seem like a great way to spend the day, so I suggested we all go out and have a nice meal.

She had a great time...watching all the people out the window and in the restaurant. Mom ate a good meal of Willipa Bay deep fried oysters and fresh peach crumble that we all shared for dessert. As usual, she was dressed to the hilt and looked pretty good. She isn't able to walk much now, so we brought the transport chair to get her in and out of the restaurant and back up to her apartment.

She has lost more weight. I think part of it is poor eating habits and part of it is that it is hard for her to prepare food for herself. I asked her what she had for lunch today and she said "two cookies". I wish I could convince her to go into assisted living, but that is never going to happen.

Pamela and I put a vinyl cover on her mattress when we got her home. She goes to the bathroom at least 3 or 4 times a night now, wears adult diapers, and still worries that she is going to wet the bed. Now she has the vinyl mattress cover, so hopefully she will stop being so worried during the night.

When we left, Mom thanked both of us for a nice evening and said that I had been a good kid all my life. I often don't feel like a good kid with her. I feel angry and overwhelmed and that I am struggling to hang onto some shred of empathy for my Mom and her situation.

I am starting to think Mom has some form of dementia..she told the same story three times tonight. Her short term memory seems a little shaky.

I am doing the best I can.

The circle of life

I picked up Mom early and took her to breakfast at McDonald's. Next we headed out to her old apartment. She sat and read her mail in her wheelchair while I did all the final cleaning. Got the ok from the Apt. Manager and then took off for IKEA.

I must have been out of my mind. IKEA on a Saturday? Mom was looking for a cabinet for her towels and a small table and chairs for her dining area. We didn't really find anything that she liked, but we did have a nice lunch there.

She wanted to go to WalMart next...an even worse idea on a Saturday. I pushed her around in her wheelchair while we picked up a few items..a dish pan, laundry soap, bleach and fabric softener. I finally convinced her to buy a 5 drawer plastic shelf unit. So there we were....me pushing her while she holds stuff on her lap and I am carrying the unit over my shoulder. Did I mention that there were no motorized shopping carts anywhere...probably all in use. After we paid, I parked Mom with everything and made three trips to the car....twice for her purchases and once for her.

We stopped at Safeway. Mom stayed in the car and I raced around the store picking up her requests and adding a few that I thought she really did need. More and more Mom forgets things...like what she needs, what something is called, the name of the store she wants to go to. So...I have learned to fill in the blanks.

Finally got her home....again several trips to get her, all the cleaning supplies, the vacuum, her groceries and the storage unit up to her apartment. I put everything away and then tried to hang a few pictures. Of course, Mom was being totally dictatorial during this activity...so I hung 2 mirrors and 2 pictures and just took off.

Mom appreciates all that I do, but I find being with her for 8 hours exhausting. She has this high pitched whiny voice that just drives me up the wall. She is so focused on herself that I get exasperated with her sometimes.

She told me today that she had done something bad. Not knowing what to expect, I asked her what she had done. Apparently, she had told Dad near the end of his life that the only reason she had remarried him in 1986 was for his Social Security benefits. This happened before they knew he had pancreatic cancer. She felt bad about what she had done and had no idea why she had said something so mean to Dad. She insisted that she loved Dad and that he loved her. I have no idea what they felt for each other. No wonder he called her a bitch during one of our last conversations five days before he died.

So...the circle of life...their lives, my life, the things we say and do to each other...all wrapped up in one big ball of contradictions.

Movin on down the road

So...I and a group of loyal and helpful friends managed to move Mom to her new apartment in West Seattle today. As expected she was a bit of a handful when we got to her apartment. She wanted to stage manage the entire move. Pamela and I had already come up with a strategy to head her off at the pass. Pamela took Mom to breakfast and then to the house to sit out the transition.

Of course the first bad thing that happened was breaking the tail lights off the truck next to the parking place for the truck. The guy came down, we exchanged numbers and moved on. He was really cool about it. Note to self...one more thing to deal with.

Dan and I got moving on the boxes while we waited for Brad to arrive. Dan and I got stuff in his car and the truck. Once Brad got there, the big and heavy furniture went into the truck. We were all sweating like pigs..but at least it wasn't raining. After about a hour and half we all headed off for West Seattle caravan style.

I knew there was a Seafair parade happening...but thought we would be able to get through the police barricade as Mom's place is at the far end of the parade. No way..the police turned us back...necessitating a 3 point turn in a Uhaul truck. We took side streets...with cars on both sides and other drivers trying to navigate around the parade. It was stressful ...but we all finally got to the back of the building by the garage door entrance. The whole atmosphere felt a little Fellini to me...drill teams in skin tight dresses with spangles and wild hats...fancy cars with fancy Seafair princesses, floats...

Unloading boxes, furniture, TV...dressers...all the detritus of a person's life. Luckily, Anne and Jay showed up at this point, so we had five pairs of hands loading the stuff into the service elevator. I fell over a parking curb twice...gray on gray garage cement....landed on my hands and face....ready just to lay there and cry. I swear...this is the last time I move Mom. She has moved three times in three years...and I have just reached my limit.

While we were moving I kept getting update calls from Pamela. Mom was being a full tilt bitch. Saying that I have been so mean to her. Hitting our dog Macy with her cane because Macy licked her leg. Telling Pamela that we should get rid of all our junky furniture and use the nice things she has given us. All the while I am trying to manage the move.

We dropped off all the stuff we couldn't get into the new smaller apartment back at the house. We headed back to apartment to pick up the Uhaul dolly we forgot when we left. All the while Jay and Anne are putting the bed frame and the new mattress and low profile boxspring together.

Once I got to Uhaul I had to turn around and go back to fill up the tank at the gas station. Finally got the truck dropped off and the right bill...after the guy incorrectly charged me for a extra day.

Dan dropped me back at the apartment. Jay and Anne left and I headed up the street to the hardware store to make two more apartment keys. One for me and one for my brother.

Finally called Pamela and told her to bring Mom over. She got some lunch for all of us on the way. We all ate and then we moved stuff around and unpacked enough boxes so that Mom could walk around. Pamela made her bed and then we took most of the boxes to the basement for recycling.

We started at 7:00a.m. this morning and finally got home after 5pm. My hands and right big toe are scrapped and bruised. I am totally exhausted.

The good news is...the move is over...and I have a wonderful partner and wonderful friends who all played a part in making this event successful.

Tomorrow I go back and take Mom to the store. I will have to go back to her old apartment sometime this week to clean it up and turn in the keys.

All day, I really missed Dad.