Monday, May 26, 2008

Today is Memorial Day. We had Mom over for brunch today: a fritata, potatoes, spicy shrimp and grits, pasta salad, watermelon, juice and coffee. Mom did ok for most of the meal, but then had to get up and vomit again. She swore she didn't lose her whole meal. I tried to stay in the bathroom with her for awhile, but finally had to leave after a few minutes.

She needed a lot of help today...getting in and out of the car, walking to the house, getting up the stairs. After brunch and getting sick, she sat in the big chair in the living room and rested for awhile. When she felt better, we all left to take her for a drive through West Seattle. She is looking for an apartment on this end of town. It would make my life a little easier, but she is totally out of touch on the cost of things like apartments.

We ended our time together by taking her to Rite Aid to get a few things. Pamela helped me get her upstairs. I unpacked her groceries and put eyedrops in her right eye. She says that her head is draining liquid into her nose. She has some sinus trouble going on, most likely allergies to blooming plants and tree pollen. She is still taking the Gabapentin for her shingles.

After we left, I was totally exhausted. Mom is so needy and negative. She has always been negative, but now her sadness and unhappiness with her life are very hard to be around for very long. It is always harder to bear when Pamela is around because I know that she is being a good sport by helping me. I also know that she can't wait for the visit to end. I don't blame her, it is hard for me to deal with Mom's negativity too.

Tuesday, May 20, 2008

I drove over to Mom's apartment after work this evening to make her dinner. Tuesday night, Thursday morning and Sunday afternoon ....that is our new schedule.

Even though I just started a new job, I got them to agree to me being off one morning a week. I noticed the first week on the job that Mom was not doing well with the new 40 hour schedule that I was working. There was some push back from my new job, but I still need to have varied times that I am with Mom. She counts on me being there and looks forward to every visit.

Tonight she had trouble getting her dinner down again. She insisted that she was not throwing up food. She said it was all mucous. I have no idea what is going on with her medically and she has become increasingly resistant to seeing her doctor.

After dinner we talked about Dad again...she still cannot understand why Dad did not talk to her about not feeling well. I had a thought about that after I left her place. Maybe Dad wanted to have his illness and death to himself. He had chosen to take care of Mom for 60 years of his life. She is not an easy person to be with day in and day out. My memory of living with her is that there was no privacy....she had to know everything that I was doing....it felt invasive and oppressive to me. I am sure that Dad felt tired of all of that as his health declined. I know he talked to me about how he felt. Maybe he was trying to protect Mom...that is what he had done for years...protected her from the world that she was unable to live in successfully due to her personality disorder. Maybe it was none of these things...maybe Dad was just worn out and didn't have the energy to talk much anymore. I know Mom will never get over his death...and is now predicting that she will only live another year.

Tuesday, May 6, 2008

I drove out to Mom's apartment tonight and took dinner with me. I made us filet of sole, stuffed potatoes and fruit. She was so glad to see me and have a home cooked meal. She keeps talking about how it "won't be much longer". She is definitely weaker and struggling more with being alone. I wish I could get her into assisted living...at least she would have hot meals and people around.

We are having her over for breakfast on Mother's Day this Sunday. She is really looking forward to it.

Thursday, May 1, 2008

I ended up going over to Mom's apartment this afternoon because she sounded really down when I called her. She said she had been crying. She was pretty depressed when I arrived...missing Dad, wanting me to explain the sequence of what happened to him last May when he got sick. She still doesn't understand why Dad didn't say anything to her about his health. I tried to explain that he may not have known how sick he was, or he may not have wanted to admit that he was ill. We will never know. I sat with her for about a half hour and then had to leave to beat the rush hour traffic across the city. She doesn't want to last too much longer, but she won't do anything I suggest to improve her situation. All I can do is try and be there when she needs me.