Morning, Mom

Every morning I call Mom. She used to get up super early and call me at 6:00am. I finally had to put a stop to that. Now I usually call her around 8:30am. She often gets up at 6:00am, eats some breakfast and then falls back to sleep in her chair. More and more, she complains that she is tired all the time. I think this is a combination of boredom, depression and a failing heart.

The call is the same every morning. I call, it rings about 20 times, she finally picks up and tells me that she has been asleep in her chair. I ask if she has had breakfast. She reels off a list of all she has eaten...usually cereal, some fruit, toast with jam and of course, the ubiquitous cup of coffee. She asks me what I am going to be doing that day, and when I am going to see her again. I ask her to make a grocery list and she always forgets. Actually, I suspect that her writing and reasoning skills are getting a little shaky. I end the conversation by telling her I will call her in the early evening around 4:30pm.

She lives for these calls. The calls help her know day from night and give her an opportunity to ask me what day it is. She has a wall calendar where I have taught her to mark off each day as a means of staying in contact with the passage of time. More and more, she just says that she forgets things.

It was hard to see her on Monday night. I made us dinner, which she didn't particularly care for at all. It was filet of sole, butter beans and spinach in a sauce. I try new things because she says she gets bored with the frozen dinners. I am finding that her range of taste preferences is getting smaller and smaller.

When I left she followed me to the door asking when she would see me again and weeping. I have to say that when she starts this behavior I put up an emotional wall right away. I feel manipulated by her tears and neediness. As I walked down the hallway to the elevator I am torn between anger and sorrow.

My life is being lived on the edges of one spectrum: with Mom at 90 and with Pamela my partner and our new daughter Haven as she turns three months old today. I often feel like my emotional arms are being pulled in both directions. I have to focus on time for myself so that I can be at my best for the two families in my life. For the joyful side visit my other blog at http://ourpathtomotherhood.blogspot.com