"I love to love you"

"I love to love you". That is what Mom said tonight as I was leaving her apartment.

We are in a time of peace and sweetness. Ever since we found that pair of Kenneth Cole shoes on sale at Marshall's, everything has been going good with Mom. She may be almost 90, but she is still a stylish woman. She was so pleased that we found these beautiful taupe shoes with just a hint of a heel. Every time I go over there, she is wearing her new shoes.

Tonight it felt like something had shifted in Mom. She was in a lot of pain. She said her head hurt her. It sounded like nerve pain left over from having Shingles. I insisted on putting some of her eye drops in her left eye. She seemed almost like a rag doll tonight...no energy, not really talking much...exhausted. While I made our dinner, I had her sit down and have a cup of coffee. She ate her entire dinner, but refused dessert...which is odd for her.

I helped her turn down her bed and change into her nightgown. After we put on her night time Depends, she walked slowly to the door to put her security bar under the door. I keep asking her to stop using it and she keeps refusing...saying it makes her feel safer. We hugged goodnight and had a good laugh about how stubborn she is and how it works for her. Then she said "I love to love you". As I walked down the hall to the elevator I had the sense that she could in fact be dying and that I would really miss her despite all the things she has put me through over the years. She is at her most vulnerable now and it is my job to protect as best I can while she makes her way to her death.

I drove off to my meeting upset about my sense that something major may be going on. Pamela suggested that she may have had a stroke...or just be upset that I am not going to be available for at least a week or more. I certainly won't be able to grocery shop or take her out for awhile.

But I will keep that picture of Mom standing in the nightgown I got her for Christmas telling me "I love to love you".