"I love to love you"

"I love to love you". That is what Mom said tonight as I was leaving her apartment.

We are in a time of peace and sweetness. Ever since we found that pair of Kenneth Cole shoes on sale at Marshall's, everything has been going good with Mom. She may be almost 90, but she is still a stylish woman. She was so pleased that we found these beautiful taupe shoes with just a hint of a heel. Every time I go over there, she is wearing her new shoes.

Tonight it felt like something had shifted in Mom. She was in a lot of pain. She said her head hurt her. It sounded like nerve pain left over from having Shingles. I insisted on putting some of her eye drops in her left eye. She seemed almost like a rag doll tonight...no energy, not really talking much...exhausted. While I made our dinner, I had her sit down and have a cup of coffee. She ate her entire dinner, but refused dessert...which is odd for her.

I helped her turn down her bed and change into her nightgown. After we put on her night time Depends, she walked slowly to the door to put her security bar under the door. I keep asking her to stop using it and she keeps refusing...saying it makes her feel safer. We hugged goodnight and had a good laugh about how stubborn she is and how it works for her. Then she said "I love to love you". As I walked down the hall to the elevator I had the sense that she could in fact be dying and that I would really miss her despite all the things she has put me through over the years. She is at her most vulnerable now and it is my job to protect as best I can while she makes her way to her death.

I drove off to my meeting upset about my sense that something major may be going on. Pamela suggested that she may have had a stroke...or just be upset that I am not going to be available for at least a week or more. I certainly won't be able to grocery shop or take her out for awhile.

But I will keep that picture of Mom standing in the nightgown I got her for Christmas telling me "I love to love you".

When will this be over?

It is 7:30am and I have been awake since 5:00am. Mom and I had kind of a difficult time yesterday. I went to the store and bought her groceries for her yesterday and she was upset about that. She looks forward to the time away from the apartment zooming up and down the aisles of the store. I just wanted to get it done and not suck up my entire weekend with her needs.

She called me later in the day complaining about the frozen waffles I had purchased for her. Whining about not liking them and not having any syrup. I was just trying to bring her something a little different because she complains that her food bores her sometimes. I am just fed up with all her complaining and lack of appreciation for what I do to make her life easier.

She also asked me to drive to the Macy's in Lynnwood so she can look for shoes. I told her I have no intention of driving 20 miles so she can look at shoes. I took her to Macy's at Southcenter last weekend ...where she bitched and complained about all the shoes having round toes. The selection in Lynnwood is not going to be any different.

She has taken to asking me when she will see me next and then complaining and counting off the number of days until I will see her again. I feel completely smothered by her neediness. I am not Dad...catering to her every need. I have a job and a partner and my own life to live. I cannot for the life of me understand how she can still be alive when she is so negative and unhappy. A friend suggested that maybe her anger is what keeps her going. My partner suggested it may be the fear she has of dying. All I know is that I am exhausted with being her primary caregiver. All my brother does is come by a couple of times of week to take out her garbage and bring her a milkshake. Everything else is on me.

Oddly enough, I am looking forward to a little break from all this because it involves having surgery. I am having foot surgery on January 20 and will be on crutches for 4 to 6 weeks. I won't be able to carry all the bags of groceries to her apartment or help her in and out of the car. I need to have this surgery now, so she will just have to ask my brother to meet her needs.

The weird thing about all of this is that my brother is really her favorite. She continues to work out all her own Father abandonment issues with him. He never really talks to her or takes her anywhere. She gives him money every time he whines about his bills. She even gave him $2500 last fall. She said she would give the same to me when "you need it". Of course, that will never happen. The conundrum here is that I am the one doing all the heavy lifting with her...but he is the one that she really cares about. I think she just prefers men...and my brother looks like my Dad.

Falling

Mom has had a series of falls over the last couple of years. I found out on Thursday that she had fallen over a chair in her apartment and landed on the floor. She had gotten up in the night to go to the bathroom and somehow tripped on her slipper, fell against the arm of the chair by her bed and ended up on the floor. This happened at 3:00am. She thought about calling me, but didn't want to wake me up in the middle of the night.

I asked her if she was ok, or if she felt she needed an X-Ray. Of course, she said she was sore but did not think anything else was wrong. She was adamant about not going to the doctor and insisted that she did not need an X-Ray. I told her I would be over after work. She needed to go to the bank and I needed to see for myself how she was moving around.

She was tired and weak when I got there so it was a good thing I had brought the wheelchair. That made going to the bank a lot easier. She seemed so frail to me and she did admit that she was sore. Her determination is pretty impressive despite this latest episode.

We are taking her to lunch on Sunday and then to the mall for some Christmas shopping. I know this will cheer her up.

Thanksgiving redux

Plans have changed for Thanksgiving. We are going to dinner at McCormick and Schmick's on Lake Union. This was Mom's original plan. I decided it would be easier for Pamela and I if we just went ahead with her plan. Pamela is exhausted with work, I am exhausted with Mom, so let someone else do the cooking. Mom just loves to sit in the big dining room and watch the other diners. This will also make it easier on Mom. She was dreading us helping her up the stairs to the house. At the restaurant, we can just roll her from the parking lot into the restaurant.

Hair stylist

Mom has now decided that I am her hair stylist. She informed me that I would be cutting her hair after dinner yesterday afternoon. I have to say, this is one task that I really dread. Mom used to be a hair stylist, so you can imagine that her standards are much higher than my abilities in this area. I managed to get it done, but I cut it too short around her face. I just did the best I could and thankfully, she didn't complain too much. I believe this is all part of her cost cutting measures. She is concerned that she will run out of money at some point.

After lunch and beauty parlor time, she started in on me again about lugging a hug 1980's floor lamp out of her apartment. Her plan was that I would bring back a side table and lamp from my house to put in it's place. I had given the lamp away because my garage is already full of her other furniture. I also have no desire to lug anymore furniture back and forth. The move last July did me in on that score. I told her in no uncertain terms that I was not going to move anything out or into her apartment. She is so crowded in there now with all this furniture, that it just doesn't make any sense to me to bring in anything else. It kind of feels like she is barricading herself with furniture. I just got up and left.

A few hours later, I checked the messages at home and found a call from Mom. I called her back and she was sobbing about the TV not working. I went over there and found her sitting in her chair totally confused about how to work the TV. Granted, she has two remotes, but she is always doing this lately. She messes with one and then that disables the second one from working. I set it back up and set it on the channel she likes for the news.

The most disturbing part of this whole interaction was when she said that she didn't understand anything anymore. I think we may be dealing with some dementia now. A couple of times when I have called her, her words sound slurred. I think she may be having mini strokes or TIA's.

From the American Heart Association Website:
http://www.americanheart.org

What is a TIA or transient ischemic attack?

A TIA is a "warning stroke" or "mini-stroke" that produces stroke-like symptoms but no lasting damage. Recognizing and treating TIAs can reduce your risk of a major stroke.

Most strokes aren't preceded by TIAs. However, of the people who've had one or more TIAs, more than a third will later have a stroke. In fact, a person who's had one or more TIAs is more likely to have a stroke than someone of the same age and sex who hasn't.

TIAs are important in predicting if a stroke will occur rather than when one will happen. They can occur days, weeks or even months before a major stroke. In about half the cases, the stroke occurs within one year of the TIA.

What causes a transient ischemic attack?

TIAs occur when a blood clot temporarily clogs an artery, and part of the brain doesn't get the blood it needs. The symptoms occur rapidly and last a relatively short time. Most TIAs last less than five minutes. The average is about a minute. Unlike stroke, when a TIA is over, there's no injury to the brain.

What are the symptoms of a TIA?

It's very important to recognize the warning signs of a TIA or stroke. The usual TIA symptoms are the same as those of stroke, only temporary:

* Sudden numbness or weakness of the face, arm or leg, especially on one side of the body
* Sudden confusion, trouble speaking or understanding
* Sudden trouble seeing in one or both eyes
* Sudden trouble walking, dizziness, loss of balance or coordination
* Sudden, severe headache with no known cause

The short duration of these symptoms and lack of permanent brain injury is the main difference between TIA and stroke.

Unfortunately, Mom will not go to see a doctor. She doesn't want to spend the money. Her prescriptions run out soon, so I'll just have to wait and see if that spurs her to find a new doctor in West Seattle.

Here we are

Close to the holidays again. Mom seems frail...somewhat forgetful. I try to do my best, but she continues to be a challenge.

I just got back from taking her some homemade chili for her dinner. Also dropped off some homemade buttermilk pancakes. The only meal she really cooks is breakfast. Otherwise, it is microwaving a dinner or boiling a hot dog. I try and take her out to eat at least once a week.

Friday night we did dinner out and shopping. I think that is more than she can handle now. By the time we got home she was whimpering and not making much sense.


It is hard to believe that she has lived more than 2 years past Dad's death. She can't believe it either, but she also fears death.

I think she is coming to our house for Thanksgiving dinner. She was resistant at first because there was a possibility that some friends would be here as well. That didn't come together. In the meantime, she asked my brother if she could come to his house and got a resounding NO. She was upset by that, but has rebounded enough to now decide to have dinner with us. She stirs up drama like this every year.

The other news is that we are taking a break...going to New York City for 5 days in early December. My job ends Nov. 19. I am going to have reconstructive foot surgery in January. I'll be on crutches for 4-6 weeks. We will have to come up with some alternatives for taking care of Mom.

Hiney Niney

Hiney Niney...that is what Mom calls the H1N1 virus. It has a ring to it. I think Mom was confused by what was being said about the virus on TV....but I like the name she came up with for it.

Last Sunday Mom wasn't even out of bed when I went over to take her to lunch. The apartment was dark when I walked in after noon. I walked over to the bed and thought Mom looked dead. She was sprawled across the bed and not moving. I approached her and touched her just a little. She turned over and looked white as a sheet. Her face was puffy. She wasn't feeling well..probably a cold, maybe the seasonal flu.

I got her to sit up and have something to eat. I went to the store and got all her groceries. When I got back, I got her to eat some tropical fruit mix, a few crackers, a cup of coffee and some water. I got her all settled back into her chair before I took her garbage down to the compactor.

She was so weak for a couple of days. She seems to be doing a little better now. She wants to go to the bank tomorrow.

This experience really scared me. More practice....I am getting so practiced.