Bad day in Bedrock

I called Mom this morning to tell her I would be over in the early afternoon instead of the morning to fix her TV. She can't manage to work the two remotes to get the digital channels. My brother and I have both explained it to her, I have labeled the TV remote for on/off and volume control...but she keeps using the digital tuner remote incorrectly.

When I got to Mom's she was in a really bad mood. My brother had been there earlier and fixed her TV but did not talk with her other than to give her a hard time about calling him 4 times yesterday. She admitted that she intentionally messed up the TV today after my brother had left it on a channel with a "black man". Her continued racist comments makes me sick.

I fixed the TV and decided that I was not going to be verbally abused by her just because she doesn't have the relationship she wants to have with my brother. Getting out of there was hard, as she tried to block my exit from the living room with her body. She also stood in the hallway crying and telling me she had something to tell me. This is a standard line with her...so I know she was just trying to manipulate me into staying and hearing her sad story about my brother's behavior.

When I called to check in on her tonight she was still in a foul mood. She told me she was upset because she couldn't get a hold of the manager of an apartment building in Arizona. She is again trying to figure out a way to get back to Arizona. She wants me to bring over Dad's ashes so he can go with her. She also accused me of being after her money..which is a joke. If she lives longer than another year, she is going to be in deep trouble financially. She finished her tirade by saying that she just wants to die.

I have a feeling that Mom is going to have a long and difficult journey to death. Her anger and unhappiness keep her firmed rooted in her life. It is the essence of what connects her to her life...no matter how unhappy she is here or anywhere. Moving to Arizona will not make her happy.

Having a better relationship with my brother will not make her happy. Having more of my time will not make her happy. I have no clue what makes her happy other than trying to order me around and eating candy...which is exactly how she behaved with Dad. She has transferred all of her behaviors from her relationship with Dad to me. But I am not Dad, and I have made it clear that I won't put up with her abusive language or behavior. She is kind of stuck..as I am the only person left on earth who is willing to help her.

It is not a job I relish or even enjoy very much...but it is the right thing to do, the humane thing to do. I promised Dad I would take care of her and that is what I am doing to the best of my ability. The trick is not being drowned out by the avalanche of negative emotions and behaviors that come my way.

I just feel like the life has been sucked out of me by her anger and unhappiness. I just needed to write it out on this blog so I can go on with my own day.