Christmas Eve 2012

It is early in the morning on Christmas eve.  I got up early to feed the dogs and let them out.  Once I am up, it is hard for me to get back to sleep....so here I am making another entry into my blog.


This is the first Christmas without Mom or Dad.  I have had a really hard time getting engaged with the season, but I am doing my best for Pamela and Haven's sake.

I have visited Mom and Dad's grave regularly since they were buried in October.  I put wreaths on their grave and my Grandmother's grave, which is right next to Mom and Dad.  I stand there and talk to them...tell them that I miss them...love them....I know they are not really there anymore..just their remains.  Somehow, having a place to visit helps a bit.

I am glad that I had the last five years with Mom.  At first, I dreaded having to manage her on my own without Dad, but in the end I am grateful that we had that extra time together.  There were certainly highs and lows as this blog attests, but still I am grateful.  All we have with people we love is a limited amount of time to enjoy each others' company.  Mom and I had that over the last several years.

I am sorry that she won't be with us this year. I wish Mom and Dad were both coming to our house today for presents and dinner.  Dad would have so enjoyed Haven and Mom would have loved whatever gorgeous outfit Pamela will dress her in today.  Nothing and no one every replaces parents.

Life goes on

I made it through my first Thanksgiving without Mom or Dad.  I visited the grave the night before the holiday.  I always clean the gravestone and arrange the flowers.  I talk with them and let them know that I love and miss them.  It feels like all I can do now.

I feel kind of hollow and flat these days.  This is normal and will eventually pass.

In the meantime, we have been dealing with major plumbing issues for a week.  Last Monday, the utility room flooded sending water out into the basement and soaking the carpet.  The plumber came and tried to clear the drains Wednesday night...but gave up at 11pm.   By Friday morning we had even more water in the basement.  A whole crew showed up and pumped out the basement.  They also dug a hole the size of a gravesite in the front yard trying to get to the plumbing.  They are still not sure where the source of the problem is in the system.  It has been a rough week.

This rug and a lot of our belongings were soaked!

Mom and Dad are finally together again.  I saw the stone for the first time today.  I talked to Mom and Dad....I cried.  I felt more alone than I ever have in my life.  I am sure this is a normal part of grieving....but it seems more final now that they are both gone.  I miss them so.

October 15, 2012

BURIAL SERVICE FOR GENEVIEVE E. and  ROBERT T. CORLISS
OCTOBER 15, 2012

10:00AM

Forest Lawn Cemetery
Seattle, WA

Revelation 14:13

I heard a voice from heaven say, Write this: Blessed are the dead who die

in the Lord from now on. Yes, said the Spirit, let them find rest from their

labors, for their works accompany them.

BELL CEREMONY

Dad and Mom, with the ringing of this bell, we bid you safe journey.

BLESSING

May the wind be always at your backs.
May the sun shine warm upon your faces,
And the rains fall soft upon your fields.
Until we meet again,
May God hold you both in the palm of His Hand.

COMMITTAL OF ASHES

In sure and certain hope of the resurrection to eternal life through our Lord Jesus Christ, we commend to Almighty God: Robert T. and Genevieve E. Corliss.   We commit them to the ground; earth to earth; ashes to ashes, dust to dust. The Lord bless them and keep them, the Lord maketh his face to shine upon them and be gracious unto them and give them peace.  Amen.

Having committed Robert and Genevieve’s Spirits to eternal rest, we thank them for all they have given to us in their long and loving lives.  What good they have shown us, we will show to others.

Dad and Mom, we release you now to the next part of your spiritual journey as you walk hand in hand with your Creator. All those who have gone before you are lighting your way."  

Dad and Mom, with the ringing of this bell, we bid you safe journey.  Amen.

Ringing of the Tibetan Bell


Celebrant:  Bonita Corliss  Witness:  Pamela Wilkins

Genevieve E. Corliss

                                                                                            Mom on October 1, 2012

Genevieve Eleanor Corliss was born in Danville, Illinois on March 1, 1920 and passed away on October 3, 2012 in Burien, WA at the age of 92. 

 

Mom grew up during the Roaring Twenties and the Great Depression. As a young woman she joined the Women’s Auxiliary Army Corp during World War II.  She served as a telephone operator.  She returned to Seattle and continued to work for the telephone company.  In 1946 she met Robert T. Corliss and they married in August 1947.  In the years that followed they had two children, Mark and Bonita.

Mom was always up to try something new.  As a family we skied, ice skated and played tennis.  Mom and Dad both loved golf, which they played for many years.  They were both accomplished “hole in one” golfers during their years of retirement in Arizona.  They lived there for 28 years, but always found time to come back to Seattle to visit many times over the years.

With Dad’s passing in June 2007, Mom lost her companion and friend of 60 years.  She adjusted to living full time in Seattle and spent many happy hours with her daughter Bonita shopping, going to lunch, and enjoying the scenery on long car rides.  She always enjoyed holiday celebrations with Bonita and Pamela and in 2010; their daughter Haven joined the fun.

Mom struggled with ill health in the last years of her life, but proved to be a strong and determined person.  She lived her life the way she chose to live it.  One example of her determination occurred in early May 2011 when she was recuperating from a broken hip.  She decided that she wanted to go home before her release date.  She escaped from the facility and took a cab home!  Mom could be a force of nature!

She was preceded in death by her father Clifton, Mother Carolyn, sisters Helen and Juanita, and her husband Robert T. Corliss.  She is survived by her son Mark (Sharon), daughter Bonita (Pamela) and four grandchildren, Danny, Josh, Lizzie and Haven.

The family would like to thank her caregivers at Highline Hospice, Scott, Rosie and Sharon.  The family would also like to thank all the staff at Burien Nursing and Rehabilitation and Dr. Buttitta.  They provided Mom with the best of care over the last several months of Mom’s life.

Mom always said "I love you so" as I left the nursing home.  I loved her as much as she loved me and I will always be grateful that she was my Mom.

At her request, there will be no service.  Cremation took place on October 12, 2012.  Now Genevieve and Robert will be buried together on October 15, 2012 at Forest Lawn Cemetery in West Seattle, WA.  Mom and Dad can finally rest in peace next to her mother, Carolyn L. Marion.   

God bless them all. 

Mom passes

                                                              Genevieve Eleanor Corliss
                                                         March 1, 1920 - October 3, 2012

Mom died sometime between 10pm and 11:30pm last night at a local nursing home.  She was seriously ill with end stage congestive heart failure.  I spent part of the evening with her, until about 9pm.  She seemed hot, so I washed her face, hands and arms with a cool cloth.  I watched her breathe and felt so bad that it had come to this for her.

The good news is that she is no longer in pain, no longer unhappy, no longer missing my Dad.  I will write more later, but this is all I can do right now.  I am so tired, I just need to go to bed.

Morphine

Mom is on morphine every hour as needed.  Her cough from the Congestive Heart Failure is really terrible.  Mom is now in bed all the time and is dosed with liquid morphine every hour.  This is to keep her comfortable.

She lays in bed and tries to get out.  She moans a bit and picks at her gown.  They have her moored inside a pillow barrier to keep her safe.  Mats are on either side of her bed in case she does manage to get out and then fall.  She opens her eyes a bit, but mostly seems out of it.  I sit and hold her hand, or wipe her face.  I tell her I love her.  I see her twice a day and always leave the nursing home drained and exhausted.

She seems a little agitated despite the Atavan.  She has eaten nothing since Monday.  Her breathing is labored.  I have no idea when she will die, but I am sure that this is the final stage.  I wish I could see her smile just once more...but it seems that Mom is not going to reappear.

This is a photo I took of Mom on Monday.   I had come out to the nursing home to fill out the Hospice paperwork.  She wanted to go to a musical event that was happening that day in the dining room.  It was an accordion concert for Octoberfest.  The activities staff served German Chocolate cake, sausage and sauerkraut and Martinelli's cider.  Mom tried to eat a little bit of the cake and sausage...but mostly left her plate full.  She did drink a little Martinelli's.  I am glad I have one final photo of her smiling.

Genevieve Eleanor Corliss.....we are on our final journey together...and already I miss you.

A Transition

This is a photo of Mom last Christmas.  So much has changed since then.

We are in a transition with Mom's health.  The congestive heart failure now seems to be causing her health to decline rapidly.  She is weak, does not feel well, has a bad cough, and back pain.

When I arrived at the nursing home on Thursday night Mom had completely lost her voice.  She had a deep cough and was having trouble breathing.  She would not eat her dinner.  She said she did not feel good and just wanted to go to bed.  I had brought her a chocolate milkshake, so she agreed to take a few sips of that, but could not even drink half of it.  Her back was hurting so I got the nurse to give her a Tylenol.

Later in the evening, I had this nagging feeling that I should return to check on her.  She woke up when I arrived and seemed to be coughing and breathing in a labored manner.  The nurse showed up and asked her if she wanted oxygen.  As expected, Mom refused.  She looked at me and said she would be better by morning.  She told me she loved me.  I told her the same...and left feeling overwhelmed and sad.  It is so hard to see someone you love slowing moving in the direction of dying.

I talked with the Hospice folks by phone on Thursday and they agreed to evaluate Mom on Friday during their visit to see someone else.  The hospice nurse and the facility agreed that she would need to go back on hospice care once her doctor writes the order.  She will get visits from a nurse, some volunteers will visit her, she will get an extra bath.  Small comforts....

I visited Friday after work.  Mom was asleep in her room.  I took her to the dining room, but she refused to even consider eating.  I took her back to her room and left her sitting by her bed.  I did not have the energy to get her ready for bed, so I left before she started taking off of clothes.  I told her I would be back sometime Saturday.

I showed up for breakfast on Saturday morning.  Mom was dressed and ready to eat.  She did much better this morning and ate most of her meal.  She wanted to go back to her room afterwards, so I took her there and changed her shirt and sweater.  I hate to see her sitting around in food stained clothes.

I will be there for breakfast tomorrow morning.  I feel I need to keep in close touch.  It feels like her situation is very precarious....and that she could go at any time.  My therapist asked how I feel about all of this.  I feel sad.  Mom is my last close link to Dad.  She and I have been through a lot in the last 58 years.  Not all of it has been great...but she has done her best.  I appreciate that she is a strong character.  I hope she is able to go quietly and peacefully.  She has lost her ability to fight the situation.  Her body is failing but she keeps saying one thing over and over to me:

"I love you so...I love you so...I love you so."   Sometimes she included my Dad and my brother in her litany.  It is heartbreaking.

I always hold her hand and kiss her on her lips or her forehead and tell her that I love her too.

I love you too Mom..with all your contradictions.

A small life

It occurred to me yesterday that Mom has had a small life...a small territory bordered by her anxiety, her paranoia ...her fears.  It breaks my heart to see her now so diminished.  Her world is so small...the nursing home....her room there shared with two others..the dining room.  Sitting in her wheelchair watching the activity around her but barely able to participate. 

Her hearing is now almost gone.  Her appetite is still fairly good even though she complains bitterly that the food is terrible.  Her favorite meal seems to be breakfast.  Lunches and dinners are not that good.  She has gained some weight back, but is upset about it.

I wash some of her sweaters and bras on a regular basis.  I bring her candy or cookies...of pictures of my family.  She cries every time I leave...saying over and over "I love you so".  She wants to come live with us, but we are not set up for someone in a wheelchair.  Everytime I leave, I feel myself gasping for my own inner balance.  Each visit takes a little more out of me.

I promised Dad that I would take care of Mom ....and that is what I am doing.  It has been over 5 years now since his death.  I visit Mom every Tuesday and Thursday evening ....and Sunday morning.  The weeks since she was first admitted go by one after the other.  She has been taken off hospice care...she has improved.  My guess is that she is actually doing better with people around her 24 hours a day looking after her.

This is a long and slow descent.  I am going to need to pace myself because she is not going down easy...despite her wish to die sooner rather than later.

It is a small life...it has always been a small life...I am her witness.

I love you so

I love you so....I love you so....those are the words I hear from Mom every time I got to see her.  We have a schedule - Tuesday and Thursday nights and Sunday morning. 

The evening visits are the same...we eat dinner in the dining room, I take Mom to her room and with the help of a Nurse's Aide she changes her clothes, washes her dentures and goes to the restroom.  We put her into bed, and adjust her curtain so she can see out into the hallway.  I usually put on her headset and hook up her Pocket Talker, so she can hear what I am saying. 

She always bemoans the fact that my brother never comes to see her.  She always says that she hates being in the nursing home.  She says she wants to be with me.  I explain that our house is not set up for someone in a wheel chair.  I also explain that I cannot manage her physically anymore.This upsets her, but is the reality of the situation

I hold her hand and and try and comfort her, but always feel devastated by her situation when I am leaving the facility.  Our visits always end with her saying ...."I love you so, I love you so".  I always answer, "I love you too, Mom...I love you too".

Hospice care

Mom has been a patient at Burien Nursing and Rehabilitation since March 6th. She had a fall in February that resulted in a hospitalization and another fall at home on March 2nd, the day after her 92nd birthday.

Mom is on hospice care now. She will get some extra support from a hospice nurse, an extra bath a week, pain meds. and a more comfortable mattress as she has back pain. The hospice nurse told me today when I met with her that this is most likely due to pressure from the fluid in her lungs or it could be that the cancer has spread to her spine.

She has a mass in her chest, probably a malignancy that has spread from her breast cancer. Both lungs now have pleural effusions...basically her lungs are filling with fluid from the congestive heart failure.

She will also have a visiting chaplain and hospice volunteers who will check on her.

She sleeps more now and hopefully will just drift off ...for her sake, I hope sooner rather than later.

Monday, March 10, 2008

We managed to get Mom through her 88th birthday on Saturday, March 1, 2008. We took over a bucket of Kentucky Fried Chicken, potatoes, gravy and coleslaw. She was thrilled to be eating fried chicken...something she has not had for several months. Pamela and I decided that this worked so well that we would try and bring her a dinner like this more often. I also gave her a card that she loved and a box of sugar free chocolates.

I flew to San Francisco with a friend the next morning. My brother Mark had agreed to come over early in the week to have lunch with her. I checked in on Mom a couple of times each day while I was gone. I could tell that my physical absence and her long hours alone were taking a toll on Mom. I arrived back in Seattle on Wednesday night, March 5th and was out at Mom's apartment the next afternoon.

She has been talking lately about her wishes after she passes away. She specifically told me yesterday that she does not want a memorial service. She also told me that she didn't think she could possibly last much longer. This morning she told me that Dad was waiting for her. I don't really know if this is a form of grieving or if she has a premonition about her own death. I will just continue to do what I can to make things a little easier for her.

Getting away for a few days was really great...seeing new sights, eating out at good restaurants, seeing the Annie Leibovitz show in San Francisco....all of it helped restore my energy and perspective.

Simple things

Mom was kind of difficult to manage this morning…and I got to work a half hour late as a result of going to three stores and the bank. She needed to get new checks..and she thought she had to take Dad’s name off the checks, but it turned out that she did not have to do that. This little thing turned the rest of the morning into a trying experience. She was kind of difficult at Safeway…very impatient having to wait to get by people in the aisles…kind of yelling at me….then she burst into tears at home and was sobbing about missing Dad.

I checked on her twice in the afternoon and we got everything figured out. She felt like she wasn't yelling at me. Seems that she can barely hear me half the time and doesn't know how loud her own voice is projecting. Mom feels that she is a burden. She appreciates all that I do for her. It was alright in the end...she was just having a bad day. Everyone deserves understanding when it comes to having a bad day.

The good news is that I had the initial conversation with her about Arrowhead Gardens and she seemed interested.

http://www.housingseniors.com/arrowhead_gardens.php

I am going to an open house in Lake City at one of their other facilities on Saturday to see the floor plans etc. I found out that Arrowhead opens in August..they are taking deposits now…so I am going to try and move this process forward.

May Day - The final descent

I have a new routine these days.  On Tuesday and Thursday evenings, I go to the Skilled Nursing Center where I admitted Mom on March 6th.  I also see her sometime on Sundays.

Tonight when I arrived I found Mom in bed refusing to eat dinner.  I went and got my meal in the kitchen and then hooked her up with the earphones I had purchased for her.  I sat and ate while she watched the news.  When her nursing assistant arrived with her dinner she again refused it.  I asked the assistant to leave it and said I would try to get her to eat something.

She did take a few sips of coffee, ate two bites of a grilled cheese sandwich that I hand dunked in her tomato soup, and a beet.  Her breathing was labored and she was coughing a lot.  I put the head of the bed up for her and helped her with sips of coffee and small bites of food.  She seemed really frail and subdued.

I asked about her latest chest x-ray and found out that she has more fluid in her lungs.  Some days she takes her lasix and some days she refuses.  Today was a refusing day.

lasix (from Websters.com)

noun

commonly used diuretic (trade name Lasix) used to treat hypertension and edema

She also told me that she had called my brother.  Apparently, he used some foul language and she just said "goodbye" and hung up.  She talks him every time I see her.  All she wants is a chance to see him again.  That is not likely to happen.

Mom is making her final descent.  I am there as her daughter, her advocate and her supporter.  It makes me sad to see her dwindle away like this, after all she has lived through in her 92 years.  She is worried about her money and upset that there won't be any left for her children.  I told her we never expected that there would be an inheritance.  I tried to calm her down about the cost of the facility, all the while making out a check for over $4000 for one month.  Soon, she will be out of money.  I have submitted all the Medicaid paperwork and continue to have the facility fax off medical bills as I pay them.

I have built up some resilience over the last four plus years with Mom.  I am glad that she is somewhere safe.  I no longer worry constantly about finding her on the floor or worse.  I am starting my internal process of saying my farewells.

Whenever I leave I comb her hair, stroke her face, give her a kiss and tell her that I love her.   She always says that she loves me so much...that I am so good.  I look in her face and see what I will most likely look like if I live to be 92.  Her skin is soft to the touch.  Her arms are slender and her body is smaller that I have ever known it to be.  This is what my Mom's last days look like...and I am happy to be along side her for this final leg of her journey.

March 2

The phone rang at 11:30pm on March 2nd. Mom had fallen again and needed me to come over.
I threw on some clothes, drove to her house and found her sitting up against her bed with a brass lamp laying over her lower legs. She said she had missed the bed when she got up to go to the bathroom. Did she turn a light on? Absolutely not!

I knew immediately that I could not get her back to bed. I called 911 again and they sent a crew over. They helped her up after assessing her, put her back to bed and took her blood pressure. Everything seemed ok, so they left.

I tucked Mom in again, said good night and headed home. I know this cannot keep going on. It is time to admit her to a nursing home for her own safety.

I made a few visits over the weekend and ultimately selected a place in Burien, Washington.

The next Tuesday, March 6th I picked up Mom's favorite breakfast of biscuits and gravy and headed over the her apartment. We had a conversation the day before about it being time for her to be in a safe place. Being alone in her apartment was no longer an option. She seemed to agree and even admitted she was tired of trying to take care of everything.

Mom was pretty low key as we through the admission process and got her settled in her room. Since then, she has acted out about the many minorities on the staff. She has also tried to leave the facility, but at least this one has an alarm system. They have placed an alarm activator on the back of her wheelchair where she cannot get at it.

The Physical Therapy staff want me to take her walker away. Her gait is no longer steady enough to be walking on her own with a walker. However, Mom keeps taking it out of her closet and using it. They took it to the gym and she retrieved it again. She is just so stubborn and unwilling to understand her health problems.

She hates being there but I cannot back down this time. She wants me to do her laundry and I refused. I am exhausted with taking care of her as her health has declined. I simply cannot do it anymore.

I gave up her apartment last week. My brother helped me move all the furniture out yesterday. I have odds and ends to take care of there....but slowly things are getting accomplished.

My next task is to fill out the Medicaid paperwork....because Mom clearly does not have enough money to last her.

So..we are here....at the nursing home...Mom's health is deteriorating everyday. She is pissed off and still acting out. Her contrary nature is truly her life force.

Birthday - March 1

Mom has been home from the hospital since February 16th. She has needed a lot more help. She seems unable to make food for herself other than toast and cream of wheat. She still makes and drinks coffee everyday. I have taken over doing the laundry, making her bed, assisting her in the shower...etc.

I wanted to make her birthday fun, so I got her Kentucky Fried Chicken with mashed potatoes, gravy, biscuits and cole slaw. I got enough so that she would have snacks for a couple of days. I also bought her a chocolate bundt cake. I found some candles in her drawer...put four on and lighted them while I sang her "Happy Birthday". I also got her a big box of assorted Russell Stover chocolates. While she didn't make it out of her robe and pajamas on her birthday, she did have a nice dinner, enjoyed the cake and dove into the chocolates.

Falling

Mom fell on February 12th, which was a Sunday. I arrived at my usual time, 8:30am, with bags of groceries. When I opened the door I saw that Mom as laying on her right side in the middle of the living room floor.

After quickly putting down all the bags of groceries, I went and tried to figure out what was going on. She did not answer me when I yelled her name. Her face was kind of puffy and over her eyes she had flaps of skin that were filled with fluid. Eventually, she stirred a little bit. I asked her if she hurt anywhere...and she said "everywhere". Not knowing if she had broken anything, I covered her up with a blanket and called 911.

I went down to the lobby to let them in and tell them what was going on as we rode up the elevator. They went into action and examined her. They did not think she had any broken bones, but they were concerned about whether or not she had had a mild heart attack or some kind of mild seizure. Mom told me that she had tripped on the rug...but she if often not the best source of information when she falls. The decision was made to transport her to Swedish Hospital - the Cherry Hill campus.

After they left, I closed up the apartment and went to my house to get her Health Care Directive, which is basically a "Do No Resusitate" order. When I got to the hospital ER Mom's Doctor was looking for me. It turned out that Mom's blood pressure had plummeted and they did not know if she had a DNR. The had to put the paddles on her to restore her blood pressure. Eventually, after a couple of hours, a CAT scan and some other procedures, Mom was sent to the Cardiac ICU.

She stayed there for a couple of days but would not allow them to put in a PIC line. Her doctor wanted to know what was going on in her heart. Technically, this could be considered a violaton of her DNR, but we let it go once she was transferred to another floor. She stayed there for another couple of days and then despite all that her doctor and the social worker were saying about her needing to be in a skilled nursing facility, I took her home. That is what she wanted ...so that is what I did for her. I honestly did not have the energy to find someplace and then fight her to get there.