Smiling

Mom is smiling in this recent photo, but in reality she is having a pretty tough time these days. She has no idea why she is still alive. She misses my Dad in a way that just breaks my heart. Today she said that she missed him so..and began to cry. They were in each others lives for 60 years...through good times and bad times. She is lonely but won't consider assisted living.

I often leave her apartment totally depressed. I wish that she was not so fearful of the world. I wish that she would just try to be a little more open to new ideas. I wish she would agree to live in retirement home of some kind. I wish I could get her to see a doctor. I wish she would acknowledge that she is profoundly depressed and seek some kind of medical help.

As always I have no idea where her personality disorder leaves off and her depression and dementia take over. She often losses track of the days. Her recent racial outbursts may indicate dementia or her personality disorder. She has no memory of some things that happened when Dad died in 2007. Her short term memory is getting worse. I encourage her to make lists for the grocery store. Sometimes she does and sometimes she forgets to do it.

She was beside herself yesterday because her TV stopped working after my brother tried and failed to make some adjustments to improve the picture quality. He just walked away in frustration and left her with no TV. I have been trying to fix her digital TV tuner for two days now to no avail. This is a big problem because TV is her window on the world. Without it, she sits and stares at the walls of her apartment and spirals down into depression and hopelessness.

She is still managing her bills, but told me she would let me know when it is time for me to take them over for her. There are many subtle sign posts along this road that let me know that things are changing. She is slowing down and not coping as well as she did even six months ago.

She says she wants to die and regrets that she is in such good health. I really have no idea what her health situation is now. I do know she has lost some weight and has not taken any of her medication for diabetes or her heart for many months.

She has a strong constitution for someone her age. It is sad to see her so upset about being alive. She feels useless now. She can't walk very far, but still manages to do her laundry, housecleaning, and cook a little.

This situation puts me over the edge on a regular basis. I am trying to do the best I can to take care of her and help bring some comfort to the remainder of her life.