Everything is still the same....

Mom continues to be a complete pill about the fact that I cannot drop whatever I am doing to cater to her every need. Yesterday she wanted me to race out and buy a Father's Day card for my brother and then make a special trip to her apartment to drop it off. This on a day when we are cleaning and preparing the house for the arrival tomorrow of our daughter from the hospital after being born prematurely on May 18, 2010. Pamela and are are preparing to spend the night with her in the hospital and bring her home tomorrow. So...in the scheme of things, the Father's Day card for my brother was not that important.

I lost it with Mom on the phone and just told her that I wasn't available and she would just have to wait. She has no respect for me, my life, my family life or anything that resembles me be an adult. She will be a bully and a narcissist to the bitter end. Every conversation these days ends in a fight. I just can no longer tolerate her irrational and mean behavior.

I think she has been especially needy and demanding ever since I told her about the baby. In some sense, Mom wants to be the baby. She was cared for and looked after by my Dad for 60 years. I have no idea how he tolerated her illogical and abusive behavior. I am not sure it was because he loved her, but rather felt responsible for her.

I asked him once about all he did for my Mom. At that point in their lives they were no longer married but he saw her all the time and took her out shopping, for groceries, bought her a beauty parlor business...all kinds of things. He said he did all this because she was the Mother of his children. That was it....I was amazed then and I am still amazed by this 35 years later. So simple, and so direct. And such a huge burden to take on.

I am not my Dad. I did not chose my Mother as a partner. I did not marry her and then get divorced her only to remarry her 20 years later. I understand why he did what he did, but I cannot and will not take on that same level of responsibility, even thought Mom wants me to.

I have never been the girl or woman she wanted me to be. I have never been a mirror of her, which is the narcissist's ultimate need. She will never understand me or my life. I will never really understand her or her life. I am just trying to do what I promised Dad I would do...take care of her and keep her safe. She fights me every step of the way...and perhaps that fighting spirit was once the thing that drew my Dad to my Mother...I will never really know.

I do know I just do what I can when I can....day to day.