Just when you think it can't get any worse...

I have not had time to maintain this blog and my new blog "Our path to motherhood" since our daughter Haven was born on May 18, 2010. To keep up with that story please go to my other blog at: http://www.ourpathtomotherhood.blogspot.com

Mom has been alternating between good and evil behavior for the last two weeks. Today she was good for the entire time I took her to the store and her doctor's appointment. Her eye and scalp are bothering her again from the shingles she was diagnosed with in April 2007.

The evil part came when I got her home along with her purchases. She has been especially bad around my family, meaning Pamela and Haven, our newborn. Her racism towards Pamela and Haven has truly been disgusting to listen to for the last two weeks. She told me today that I should be taking care of her, not Pamela and the baby. I told her again that Pamela and Haven are my family and I will continue to care for them. Mind you, this was said after I had spent the entire afternoon taking her to the doctor, shopping and then the pharmacy.

I am generally a patient person, but this latest verbal abuse was just too much to bear. I picked up a soft pillow and threw it at her. She promptly threw it at me. I threw it back. There I was reduced to a childish temper tantrum that matched her's throw for throw. In a final shot, I informed her that Dad had called her a bitch from his bed in the nursing home, just days before his death. Of course, she called me a liar. I could have spared her that last comment, but I just was so infuriated by her mean behavior, I lost it. I had already prepared her dinner and left it by her chair, so I just walked out and locked the door.

When I arrived home, I walked into the kitchen, burst into tears and told Pamela the latest horror story. I just don't think I can do this much longer. I think the hardest part was watching her be the "nice little old lady" with the doctor's assistant and the doctor. There she was regaling them with stories, hugging the assistant, being cooperative. I was left with the racist, selfish, verbally abusive mother I have known my entire life. Why is it that she can be so great with complete strangers? I will never understand her or her motivations.

I am going to take a few day off after I drop off her latest prescription tomorrow. I am emotionally exhausted.