Wednesday, August 29, 2007

Yesterday Mom went to her eye specialist for some minor laser surgery. She had a film over the lense of her right eye. She tolerated the procedure very well.

I am returning to therapy next week. I am having such a tough time dealing with all of Mom's needs while missing Dad. I am a full time caretaker and I am also in the midst of grieving Dad's death...no wonder I have very little energy.

Wednesday, August 22, 2007

It occurred to me today what a comfort the dogs are as I grieve Dad's death. Milo, Macy and Linus all seem to come to me and spend time...leaning on me, asking for hugs and treats, or just surrounding my body when I lay down to take a nap. I have noticed that I tire easily and have just started to lay down when I feel like I need a rest. Always, the dogs gather around me and keep me surrounded with their bodies and love. It is a really comforting feeling.

I saw a therapist yesterday. I cried a lot..missing Dad...overwhelmed with being so heavily involved in caretaking Mom. I am not too sure about the therapist yet, but I am going to go to her one more time before I decide whether or not to continue with her. It seems so surreal to go in and break down in front of someone I have never met. She suggested that I talk to Dad...which I did after I left her office. I took a walk in Jack Block Park and talked with Dad for awhile about how I am feeling, telling him that I am glad that he is not suffering ...and that I am doing the best I can.

Mom is feeling a lot of exhaustion these days..and she is having some trouble with her legs being swollen all the time. I bought her a stool because her doctor told her to keep her legs elevated. I go out tomorrow morning to take her to the pharmacy and to WalMart....she needs to return her pants. She is really looking forward to my arrival and a trip in the car.

Monday, August 20, 2007

Yesterday was a really hard day for me. I cried off and on all day...starting in church in the morning. I miss Dad so much...no one can reassure me the way he could...he always told me that things would work in a way that made sense to me. Now I will have to find a way to do this for myself...which isn't a bad thing. I am just feeling really vulnerable and lost. I am going to see a therapist starting tomorrow night. I hope that will help a bit.

My own job search continues. I have submitted 5 resumes in the last few days ...I hope I get some interviews. I am not totally sure if I am up for going back to work fulltime...but I have to keep trying. I think it would help me start getting my own life back on track.

Thursday, August 16, 2007

I took Mom shopping today in Lynnwood. Does anyone remember the movie "Forget Paris" with Billy Crystal and Debra Winger? Her father comes to live with them...and when they drove him around he kept reading all the billboards and reciting the Toyota mantra "you asked for it, you got it Toyota!"? Well....my Mom does that. I think she is so thrilled to be out of the house and seeing new sites...that reading all the billboards out loud is a fun activity for her.

She needed to find some new pants and tops....so we got her one of the riding carts and off we went to the clothing dept. at WalMart....I know, I know..we are not supposed to shop at WalMart...but it is one place a elderly woman on a fixed income can buy a few things without going broke. It was a little hazardous though...because they don't have big enough aisles in the clothing dept. for those driving carts to pass through safely. At one point Mom was pushing one whole rack around while she tried to turn...I had too keep up with her to replace the racks and pick up the clothes that were flying off as she drove by. We found her exactly what she wanted, made our purchases and took off for the bank.

The woman at the bank was great...very patient and helpful in getting Mom a printout of her transactions over the last couple of weeks. Hopefully her monthly statement will arrive soon so she can reconcile her account.

Next, I took us to Shari's restaurant for lunch...my treat. We both had quiche, salad and fruit. Mom loved her lunch and was pleased with the whole experience. She topped off her visit to Shari''s by buying herself an apple pie. It is good to make sure that she has at least one really good meal a day. I know that it is hard for her to work up much enthusiasm when she is eating alone.

Our last stop of the day was the drugstore to pick up her prescription. That went smoothly as well...and off we went to her apartment. I laid all her new clothes out on the bed so she could try them on, kissed her goodbye and took off

Today was a good day with Mom...she got out and saw some new sites, got some new clothes..had a wonderful lunch and bagged an apple pie for herself. I wish every day with Mom could be like this. I will just have to enjoy the good days and be patient with her on the bad days.

Wednesday, August 15, 2007

I did some serious retail therapy today. I bought a Bialetti espresso maker..the old kind...no bells, no whistles...but makes fantastic coffee. Also purchased two Le Creuset pans...a skillet and a stock pot. The blue of the pans matches the blue of our formica and glass tile back splash in the kitchen. The pans and coffee pot probably weighted over 20 lbs., but I lugged the bags several blocks to a restaurant and then finally back to the car. On the way to the car I treated myself to lunch at Le Picquet....falafel sandwich and a nice cool glass of Lillet Blanc with a long piece of orange zest draped over the glass of wine and ice cubes.

Sitting in the restaurant, looking out at people passing by...cars moving down the street, it occurred to me that I miss my Dad...but have no feelings of regret. I did all I could to help him during his illness. He and I were allies, friends, in each other''s corners throughout my entire life. My Dad didn't have many friends....I don't know if this was his choice, or just how things worked out because Mom has such a hard time with people. I was his friend and daughter from my moment of birth. We loved each other unconditionally. I thought I would be more of a mess after his death than I am. I miss him....I think about him.....but it is like he is with me all the time anyway. He said that as a spirit all he wanted to do was watch out over me...so I feel he left me physically...but not emotionally. He is still right there...in my corner, no matter what!

Sunday, August 12, 2007

Pamela and I went out to have breakfast with Mom yesterday morning. She wanted to make waffles...so we helped with that and added some nice ham slices sauteed in butter and brown sugar. She seemed to enjoy the meal and told us all about when Dad bought the waffle maker and how he used to love to make waffles. Afterwards, we took her to the credit union so she could talk to the woman there she worked with before about her statement. The woman was very good at explaining everything to Mom and seemed to make her feel less anxious about her money situation. Next, we took Mom to Fred Meyer in Ballard so she could zoom around the store on once of the motorized carts picking out some items. After we got her home and put away the food, we took off to go see a movie.

Today I spoke with Mom from early morning until earlier this evening. I check in with her morning, noon and night. She seemed fine most of the day...even though she seems to be sleeping more. She sounded really groggy when I called her at 4:30pm.

I have difficulty staying patient with Mom sometimes...she says things that are totally unacceptable..like asking me if the friends we were planning on having lunch with today were black or white? I told her that was an unacceptable question and tried to steer the conversation in another direction. I know she has her idiosyncracies and biases just like anyone else..sometimes I deal with them better than at other times. I am feeling exhausted with the constant responsibility of looking out for Mom....but I know that is what I must do.

Friday, August 10, 2007

I am spending more and more time on the phone with Mom. She seems to be having trouble understanding her bank statement, losing things in the apartment etc. All of this stuff makes her pretty cantankerous to deal with. Pamela and I are going over in the morning for waffles and to take her to the bank and grocery store.

I made an appt. today with a local therapist. I need some help with the whole situation around Mom. All Mark does is go out once a week for a quick half hour lunch. I am the one doing all the heavy emotional lifting. I go to my therapist on Aug. 21 @ 4:30pm.

Wednesday, August 8, 2007

My parents were married for the first time 60 years ago today. After the ceremony they had dinner with the couple that stood up with them...and then Mom went back to work at the phone company. I have a wonderful picture that they had taken...Mom is wearing this gorgeous feathered hat and Dad looks like a movie star. Mom is having a hard time today.

Tuesday, August 7, 2007

Two markers this week....Dad has been gone 44 days today. Tomorrow would have been my parent's 60th anniversary. Mom doesn't count the 22 years they were divorced...because they spent so much time together during that time. The first 10 years apart were here in Seattle. I can remember Dad and I going to Mom's apartment for lunches, dinners etc. He also took her shopping and looked in on her on a regular basis. I asked him once why he did all this and he said it was because she was the Mother of his children. For the second 12 years they were divorced, they lived together in Phoenix, Arizona after Dad retired.

Mom is having a hard time with this anniversary. She called the house last night at 10pm thinking it was 10am today. She was worried that she would be late for her doctor's appt. Pamela took the call and reassurred Mom that it was still the night before her appt. I don't really know if this is just grief and depression or whether her cognitive skills are getting bad. I will try to talk to the doctor about it today.

I had a realization yesterday while I was driving. I realized that Dad is free of all his earthly cares and worries. It made me feel happy for him...especially since he didn't have an easy life here on earth. I had this feeling of peace come over me when I thought about this...and felt like it was ok for Dad to be gone. I miss him terribly, wish I could talk to him every day, but I know that he is finally at peace. Before he died he told me the only thing he wanted to do as a spirit is watch over me. I am glad we had that conversation before he died. Maybe his spirit brought me that thought about him being free now.

Saturday, August 4, 2007

I have been doing lots of "social things" in the last two days. It takes all the energy I can muster to be around other people, especially in a social situation. I feel this way even when we are with close friends. I feel like I am outside myself watching myself interact. The distance I feel is like being enclosed in cotton...knowing you are in a social situation but totally detached from it. I talk and laugh and ask questions etc. but feel like I am not really present. I think this must be what grief feels like.

I went to a cemetery tonight on Queen Anne Hill after having dinner with Pamela. I wanted to walk around by myself and find a couple of graves of people I have known over the years. I know 5 people that are buried in this particular cemetery. I walked around until I found the graves and thought about the people buried there and the years that I had known them. It may sound morbid but I actually feel calm when I am at the cemetery. It is quiet and fairly pretty...I walk around reading the graves and think about how other people's lives were changed by the death of their loved one. I don't know if this is wierd behavior or not, but I have always loved walking around cemeteries. When I lived in Paris, I made it a point to visit most of the cemeteries ....Pere LaChaise, Montparnasse, Passy....

I spent some time with Mom this afternoon, taking her shopping, doing her laundry and eating some lunch together. She was a little easier to deal with today, but still on her easiest day she can be exasperating. Sometimes I feel so much despair over having to deal with her on such a regular basis. She is my responsibility now...I have to help her, I have to look out for her...but I do not have to take any abuse. It gives me a new appreciation of how much work my Dad did to make it possible for my Mom to have as normal a life as possible given her personality disorder. He really took on a huge task in dealing with Mom. As he reached the end of his life, he told me that he couldn't handle her anymore. I told him not to worry...I would take care of Mom. Easier said than done I am finding.

Wednesday, August 1, 2007

Today was a tough day with Mom. She wanted to go downtown to the retirement office of the City of Seattle to clear something up about Dad's death benefit. Then she wanted to go to the credit union and deposit a check. All this sounds fairly normal....but she broke down crying in the retirement office and accused me of trying to take over her affairs in front of everyone at the credit union. Next she wanted to go to her other bank to get some cash and then go to the store again.

She is buying cookies and ice cream bars...which as a diabetic she shouldn't really be eating. It is almost like she is trying to kill herself with sugar. Her moods certainly are horrible to deal with. I feel like she is lashing out at me because she is anxious and upset having to deal with all the things that my Dad used to take care of. He basically did everything...handle the money, cook etc.

Why did Dad have to die first? I would have loved to have spent some time with him alone...finally after all these years of dealing with Mom. It didn't work out that way.

I am determined that I am not going to put up with Mom's emotional abuse. Sitting in the car sobbing while she was in the bank was my low point today.