I have spent the last week watching Mom fight a battle of diminishing returns. I am not sure how sustainable her current situation is ....as I know I cannot keep taking care of her as her needs begin to increase. I cannot handle her physically at this point.
Mom called this morning asking in a desperate voice if I could come make her breakfast. I was rushing to get ready for a doctor's appointment, but I dropped in on her for about 10 minutes on my way. She was laying on top of her sheets with eyes and mouth open. At first I thought she wasn't breathing...but she stirred a bit when I walked up to her.
She was dressed, but clothes were strewn about and the remainder of her dinner was on the side table by her chair. It appeared that her dinner had consisted of saltines, a piece of rye toast with butter and jam....and a bowl of potato chips. I cleaned up a bit, then got her some cream of wheat, more toast and coffee.
I went back with more groceries after my appointment. I tried to pick food items at the store that would be easy for her to eat and a little different...four kinds of salad, oranges, cantaloupe, broccoli in cheese sauce, baked beans, and shepard's pie. I made up three individual dinner plates for Mom to eat later.
Mark stopped by while I was rounding up the kitchen garbage; the mound of diapers in the bathroom wastebasket, and all the recycling. He brings her a milkshake almost every day, Monday through Friday. We talked for a bit....he spoke briefly to Mom and then left with all the bags of recycling and garbage. I was glad that he had done that small task, but felt resentful and tired thinking about all the other chores that I have taken on over the last four years of Mom's care. He thanks me for what I do, but never offers to take on more responsibility.
Mom wanted some lunch so I heated up a frozen meal of fish with pasta and vegetables. I did one complete load of laundry and started another one before I left. I helped her change her pants after lunch...she had dropped food in her lap and stained them. Of course, to find the pants she wanted to wear required me to open one of her locked trunks. Luckily I found the right key on her massive ring right away.
Mom thanked me for everything I am doing for her, held my hand, thanked me a million times over again, held my hand some more...it was just so desperate and sad.
I went back later in the afternoon, because I began to worry that she wouldn't be able to dry the blanket or get it back on the bed. When I walked in the blanket was on the floor in a heap by the bed and Mom was asleep. I picked up the blanket and began to put it over her when she woke up.
I asked her if she wanted some dinner and she said she could eat something small. I heated up one of the dinner plates I had made earlier in the afternoon for her. She ate two thirds of it and drank another cup of coffee. I sat with her while she ate and we talked for awhile about her situation. She wants to stay in the apartment because she can afford it. I told her that I was having a harder and harder time taking care of her. I told her that she shouldn't worry about the money....that I would start looking for a place where she could be safe. I told her again that I worried about her safety being alone in her apartment most of the time. She has been at high risk for falling and has fallen several times over the last four years. Now after her hip surgery, she is even more unstable
Mom said that she wants to die....that this cannot last much longer. She talked about her own Mother...how good and kind she was...a lot like me, she said. I teared up a bit and just sat there holding her hand.
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