Monday, June 4, 2007

As has become my habit, I got up this morning to call Mom and Dad first thing. Dad answered and sounded so tired, not just tired...weary. He told me that he didn't see any point in going to see his oncologist tomorrow morning. He has decided not to pursue treatment. I told him I would call the doctor and see if it would be ok for me to go the the appt. in his place. I explained to Dad that what we needed from the doctor now was his referral so I can get Dad in hospice care. I told him I would follow through with that today.

I spoke to Mom and explained what I was going to try to do, my voice cracking with tears. I know we are doing the right thing for Dad but it is so hard to let go of the man who has always been my touchstone in this life. He has been the one that I could always go to and talk things out. His constant support and positive attitude have been source of strenght for me over the years. Now it is my turn to be his support and his strength.

In the midst of all of this, I am overseeing the potential sale of his property in Rio Rico, Arizona. I hope the deal goes through because the money will probably come in handy. It seems so surreal to try to complete a real estate deal while Dad is fading day by day. I guess this is one of those big lessons....life goes on no matter what.

I saw Mom and Dad this afternoon. Dad wasn't himself...he is agitated and indecisive about whether or not he should go to his doctor appt. tomorrow. He seems sure that the chemotherapy "won't do any good" and sees his situation as hopeless. I tried to cheer him up by giving him a shave, but he didn't like me using a razor and shaving cream. He has used an electric razor for years...but the blades need to be replaced. I would replace them, but Mom doesn't want me to spend money on much right now.

I helped her microwave some White Castle hamburgers. She ate at the table while I sat and fed Dad. Dad has been upset today because now he can't hear in his right ear...which was always his best ear. I finally figured out how to install the battery in the hearing aid and get it positioned just right in his ear. I adjusted the volume and he said that was better.

It is beginning to feel to me like my Dad is already gone. I know he is really sick and drugged up all the time...but it breaks my heart to know that this is all part of the dying process. He is beginning to disengage and let go of this plane of existence. I just try and make him as comfortable as I can. Today's success was getting him a new toothbrush and helping him brush his teeth.

I will go to his appt. tomorrow whether he goes or not. I want to get the hospice arrangements in motion. Mom told me today that she can't lift Dad and I can't be there 24 hours a day, so it is time to have professional help. Luckily, I just got a response from someone at Providence Hospice. Medicare A totally covers the cost of this service. Hooray...something to be happy about in this tough situation.