Christmas 2010

Christmas 2008

Christmas 2009

Christmas 2010
Mom seemed much diminished this Christmas. She has been having a lot of foot pain and edema in both legs. Her legs and ankles are really swollen. Overall, she seemed quieter. She enjoyed the meal that Pamela made and ate everything on her plate. When we moved to the living room to open gifts, she was slow and needed assistance to get to the couch. Once she was there, she seemed to enjoy her Christmas presents. She also enjoyed sitting with Haven, our 7 month old daughter.

It took both of us to help her to the car. I took the long way home so we could see some Christmas lights. After I drove her home, I took her upstairs and helped her with her nightly routine; folding back the bed, closing the blinds. She insisted on sitting up for awhile in her chair. She has been ending up in this chair fairly regularly because she wakes up short of breath. Last night, she was there from 3am onward. She told me she was tired when we arrived today...and then poured out the whole story: waking up unable to breath, moving to the chair for the rest of the night..the overall exhaustion.

I really wish she would let me take her to a doctor. She appears to be in pretty shaky condition. Pamela thinks I should just take her to the hospital. I can't do it..that is the last thing in the world that she wants. It is so hard to watch the slow deterioration.

This will be a slow descent

I took dinner over to Mom last night. In the last few days she has been telling me how exhausted she is feeling. She talks about her heart feeling weaker. Her ankles and lower legs are also swollen with edema. I feel like I am watching her slow descent into the next and perhaps final stage of her life. The good news is that she had a good dinner and some company for awhile. After dinner I took out her garbage and then helped her get ready for bed.

From: http://medical-dictionary.thefreedictionary.com/edema

Edema is a condition of abnormally large fluid volume in the circulatory system or in tissues between the body's cells.

Heart failure. When the heart is unable to maintain adequate blood flow throughout the circulatory system, the excess fluid pressure within the blood vessels can cause shifts into the interstitial spaces. Right-sided heart failure can cause pitting edema, a swelling in the tissue under the skin of the lower legs and feet. Pressing this tissue with a finger tip leads to a noticeable momentary indentation.

And she just went walking along

This was Mom on her 89th birthday, March 1, 2009. She walked to the car aided by her cane but with very little assistance. We switched her to the transport chair to get her into the restaurant and to our table. She remained in the transport chair throughout the meal.



This in Mom on Thanksgiving Day 2010 with her new-to-her walker. I put pink tennis balls on the back legs because I thought that might convince her to keep it and actually use it. It was the right tool at the right time. Mom embraced her walker and has been using it every day. This is something she has resisted for at least 2 years. Timing is everything.

The Millinery Department

That is where Mom wanted to go today at all the department stores at the mall. I told her that the Millinery Department no longer exists. She was dressed to the nines as usual...cloche hat, purse, heels, skirt and blouse and a leather and mink jacket. One woman actually came up to tell her how much she liked the jacket and put her hand on Mom's shoulder. I had to tell the woman that Mom is profoundly deaf and could not hear people. After the woman left, I tried to convey her compliment.

After lunch we went to Penneys, Macy's, Nordstrom and Sears. At each store we looked at something....new lotion at the Eve Arden counter. Mom couldn't make a decision. Hats in all stores...nothing was the right style or price. The one pair of pants she liked were not available in her size.

I was getting a little frustrated with Mom's indecisiveness so I finally said that we needed to leave to do her grocery shopping.

By the time I got her shopping done and drove back to the house, Mom was exhausted. She got into her pajamas while I made her a little snack to eat before bed. I can see that she is not going to able to do another big shopping day this year before Christmas.

And the door was closed

Mom got into another little snafu today. She went to the garage to drop off her garbage and found the door open to the street where the truck comes to pick up the garbage. What she didn't realize was that the door to the garage had closed and she could not figure out how to get back into the building. I guess I had forgotten to tell her that her outside building key worked in that lock.

She ended up trying to walk all the way around the building to the front door. It is quite a ways for her to walk by herself. Luckily, three Asian people came up and helped her along. Eventually, the manager of her building came to her rescue and got her back to her apartment and into her chair. She was exhausted from her little trip and sat there for about an hour before continuing on with her day.

Of course, she told this story with relish and managed to laugh it off. I am sure that she was terrified at the time. Picture this: a 90 year old woman with a cane clutching her purse trying to walk the equivalent of a long city block. It is a miracle that she did not fall and break a hip.

Where we are now

Mom is well into her 90th year. Her memory isn't as strong, her body is not what it was, but she continues to go on as best she can each day.

Recently, she has fallen twice in one week. She couldn't remember how she ended up on the floor earlier this week. She thought she might have gotten her feet tangled in the bedclothes when she got up to go to the bathroom. All she knew was that she ended up on her back looking at the ceiling. She also had a rather nasty and bloody injury near her elbow. She thought about calling me, but decided that I had had such a long day of driving that she would not disturb me. Once I did find out what had happened, I went over to take a look at her injury. It was pretty awful, so we tried putting one of those big antiseptic bandages on it.

That didn't really work too well, so we tried gauze, but that stuck to the wound. I finally found some sterile pads that were treated not to stick to the skin and some cloth tape. Mom's skin is paper thin at this point, so the cloth tape doesn't irritate it or damage it. I have gone over several times this week to redress the wound. It is doing better and seems to be forming a scab.

When I talked to Mom tonight she said she had almost fallen again. She was turning and had a hard time getting her canes in position. She described it as floundering, so I know she should be using a walker. Of course, she refuses to use one. I am not up for that battle right now.

I took her to her Mother's grave with some flowers that I had actually purchased for Mom. She talked about how she, Dad and I would all be buried together. This is one of the regular topics as Mom and Dad's grave is right next to my Grandmother's grave. I really don't know how I feel about being cremated and buried with my parents. I suppose at that point, I won't have any feelings about it.

Tomorrow is the start of a new month....Nov. 2010. I wonder what it will bring.

Memory holes

Mom is an odd combination of really sharp and very forgetful. I can explain the same thing to her several times and we always end up at the beginning of the conversation as if we had not been talking at all. I am not altogether sure if she is fully processing information or she finds it impossible to retain anything.

She has been kind of exhausting in the last several weeks. It took me three visits to get her the right shirt last week. She buys things and then can't figure out how to use them....and of course, wants me to return the item. Grocery shopping has gotten a bit harder because the has a harder time maneuvering the cart and often doesn't have much of a sense of what she even wants to buy.

Today she bought a giant cake, Halloween candy, two bags of chocolate covered peanuts and two bags of cookies. She also bought other things that were more nutritious such as frozen meals, milk, ham lunch meat and bananas.

I am feeling pretty exhausted with her because she is always so critical of my life and my family. She will never be supportive of me as a lesbian, nor will she ever acknowledge that Pamela and our daughter are my family. At 56 I am pretty fed up with all of this....and the holidays are coming...so this will all come up once again.

I am getting worn out by Mom and really don't know how much longer I can deal with her. She has the kind of personality that drives people away from her and right now I just need a break from her.

Memory loss

Mom finally said it out loud tonight. "I am having trouble with my memory". I was helping her get ready for bed when she finally told me about her memory problems. I have known for awhile that she was experiencing some difficulties. She has asked what our baby's name is every day for over a week.

I took her hand and asked her to sit down on her bed. Once she was seated I asked her what she was having trouble remembering. She gazed off into space and said nothing. I said, "You must have forgotten what you have forgotten". That made her smile and laugh a bit. It is true...she has forgotten what she has forgotten.

So..I feel we have reached another bend in the road. For Mom to acknowledge her memory problems out loud is a milestone of sorts. I felt sad on the way home...it is hard for her to know that her memory is failing her...and it is hard for me to see her slipping away bit by bit.

Update on Mom

Mom is beginning to visibly fail. Her memory is a little sketchy, her gait is more unsteady and she complains constantly about being lonely. The worst part is the crying she does every time I prepare to leave. It is heartbreaking to leave her there, but I have to get on with the rest of my life. Mom would consume my entire life if I let her. She is used to 24 hour a day care from my father, but that ended over 3 years ago.

Now that I am working, she is having a tough time adapting to my new schedule. I didn't call her in time the other night and by the time I did get to her, she was pretty upset, anxious and hysterical. She was worried sick that something had happened to me. I know on some level she knows her life is dependent on me, but she refuses to consider any other living arrangement that would be easier on both of us. I have basically given up trying to convince her to move into a retirement home. She always says she doesn't have enough money. She is still controlling her banking information, so I have very little idea of what her financial situation really is these days.

I do have a lot of empathy for Mom, despite her stubborn resistance to change and her quirky ways of handling her affairs. I would love to figure out a way to help her make a happier life for her remaining time on earth. I have had to give up the idea that I can make that happen for her.

Sunday breakfast

I took Mom to Burien today to have breakfast at the new Grand Central Bakery. She was desperate to get out of her apartment so I thought up this little outing for us. We shared a wonderful piece of blueberry peach coffee cake. She had biscuits, sausage and a sunny side up egg. I had an egg on toast. Both of us had coffee. Mom seemed to really enjoy sitting and watching people in the restaurant. She never really wants to do more than watch.

I mentioned the idea of living in an assisted living facility again. Again she resisted....saying that her money would run out too fast. I tried to convince her that it probably would be ok, and that she would have people around to eat with, or just be nearby. She is always so sad and lonely these days. She cries every time I leave. It is heartbreaking. I wish she would not resist the idea of another kind of living.

Morning, Mom

Every morning I call Mom. She used to get up super early and call me at 6:00am. I finally had to put a stop to that. Now I usually call her around 8:30am. She often gets up at 6:00am, eats some breakfast and then falls back to sleep in her chair. More and more, she complains that she is tired all the time. I think this is a combination of boredom, depression and a failing heart.

The call is the same every morning. I call, it rings about 20 times, she finally picks up and tells me that she has been asleep in her chair. I ask if she has had breakfast. She reels off a list of all she has eaten...usually cereal, some fruit, toast with jam and of course, the ubiquitous cup of coffee. She asks me what I am going to be doing that day, and when I am going to see her again. I ask her to make a grocery list and she always forgets. Actually, I suspect that her writing and reasoning skills are getting a little shaky. I end the conversation by telling her I will call her in the early evening around 4:30pm.

She lives for these calls. The calls help her know day from night and give her an opportunity to ask me what day it is. She has a wall calendar where I have taught her to mark off each day as a means of staying in contact with the passage of time. More and more, she just says that she forgets things.

It was hard to see her on Monday night. I made us dinner, which she didn't particularly care for at all. It was filet of sole, butter beans and spinach in a sauce. I try new things because she says she gets bored with the frozen dinners. I am finding that her range of taste preferences is getting smaller and smaller.

When I left she followed me to the door asking when she would see me again and weeping. I have to say that when she starts this behavior I put up an emotional wall right away. I feel manipulated by her tears and neediness. As I walked down the hallway to the elevator I am torn between anger and sorrow.

My life is being lived on the edges of one spectrum: with Mom at 90 and with Pamela my partner and our new daughter Haven as she turns three months old today. I often feel like my emotional arms are being pulled in both directions. I have to focus on time for myself so that I can be at my best for the two families in my life. For the joyful side visit my other blog at http://ourpathtomotherhood.blogspot.com

Losing my patience

I called Mom to check in this morning. I never know if the conversation will be benign...what she had for breakfast is a popular topic...or difficult. This morning was difficult. She received a bill for an office visit to her opthamologist yesterday that kept her up all night worrying.

Truth be told, she is up and down all night anyway going to the bathroom....but that is another blog post.

So..I had a anxious, sleep deprived 90 year old on the phone freaking out over a bill that is due in four days. She wanted me to rush over there and take her to Safeway so she could purchase a money order. She only uses her personal checks for her rent and the phone and light bills. Everything else, such as items purchased from catalogs, her water bill, which goes to an out of state company, and her medical bills are paid with money orders. It makes no sense to me...and it creates more work for me...so naturally, I am not very understanding of her irrational system around who gets a check and who gets a money order. Most likely, she saw something or read something about identify theft and has created this system to protect herself. Or this is just the way she has always been.

We went around and around about this particular crisis. I told her I could not come over today ...that it was not a crisis and I would come over tomorrow. Perhaps she will have forgotten about it by the time we talk this evening.

Mom has always had the habit of making the simplest tasks difficult. After I hung up the phone this morning, I just stood in the laundry room sobbing. I prayed for patience, but just felt engulfed by the weight of responsibility of dealing with Mom's daily needs.

She is old, she is confused, she has never been too good about dealing with the world in a rational manner. Dad was the rational one, the one that took care of the bills...the one with the income that supported them. Now she is muddling through in her own anxious and befuddled manner. It takes so much energy to help her take care of her life. I am exhausted with it...and it is only 10:30am.

In the nick of time

I stopped by Mom's apartment yesterday on my way home from having breakfast with a friend at the Alki Cafe. It was a wonderful way to start the morning...eating biscuits and gravy, seeing a friend, listening to each others stories.

I called Mom from the car and of course she wanted me to come for lunch...but I had other items on my agenda today. I did decide to stop by to drop off some homemade chocolate chip oatmeal cookies.

Just as I walked in the door and rounded the corner into her sleeping alcove, I discovered Mom trying to lift her heavy brass headboard. How she was able to get it up so high, I have no idea. She yelled for me to come help her. I immediately dropped the cookies and ran to grab the headboard. I told Mom to get out of the way and go sit down.

Once I got her clear of the area, I adjusted the headboard, which she was trying to flip to the other side and reposition on the wall. This was the part where Mom sat on the sofa motioning with her hands to indicate that I needed to move the headboard a little this way or that...she loves being the furniture director. I moved her dresser slightly and put back her bed side table.

What amazes me is the woman who is so weak she can barely get out of her chair suddenly is able to move furniture. Granted, she could have seriously hurt herself if I hadn't walked in just in the nick of time to grab the brass headboard.

So..is she faking when she says she is so weak just to get me to come over and spend time with her? Does she have some powerful life force still left inside that comes to life every now and then? I simply don't know..and both questions can probably be answered with one simple word...YES!

I talked with her about the dangers of what she had been doing with the furniture. She agreed that she couldn't do that kind of thing anymore. But there was a trace of a smile and a bit of a laugh in her eyes when she agreed to the sensible limits I was putting on her behavior. She gets a kick out of pushing her own personal envelope. She is just lucky that my Dad and I have been there over the years to save her from herself.

Long day...

When I called Mom this morning her voice was so weak when she answered the phone. She said she wasn't doing very well...felt very weak. She asked me to come over to take out her garbage. I told her I would be over in an hour.

When I arrived, Mom was sitting in her easy chair fast asleep. I touched her gently on the arm to wake her. She looked really gray ...kind of exhausted. My first thought was that she was dehydrated. She drinks lots of coffee, but not very much water. I got her to drink a glass of water and made her some lunch.

I made a salad, some vegetables and a small salisbury steak for her lunch. I sat with her while she ate. There is no talking while she eats. She just slowly eats her meal. We talked a little bit after she was done and then did the dishes and took her garbage down to the basement.

I waited around for the mail woman to finish filling the boxes. Mom always looks forward to the mail...but today there was nothing. I took her keys back to her, kissed her on the forehead, lightly touched her hair and then left.

It is strange...this woman has been such a difficult person in my life. The process of watching her slowly die, inch by inch is difficult..for her, and for me. I find myself feeling melancholy at the thought of her being gone. At other times I joke about how it will be good when she is gone. All these conflicting emotions are tiring.

Bad day in Bedrock

I called Mom this morning to tell her I would be over in the early afternoon instead of the morning to fix her TV. She can't manage to work the two remotes to get the digital channels. My brother and I have both explained it to her, I have labeled the TV remote for on/off and volume control...but she keeps using the digital tuner remote incorrectly.

When I got to Mom's she was in a really bad mood. My brother had been there earlier and fixed her TV but did not talk with her other than to give her a hard time about calling him 4 times yesterday. She admitted that she intentionally messed up the TV today after my brother had left it on a channel with a "black man". Her continued racist comments makes me sick.

I fixed the TV and decided that I was not going to be verbally abused by her just because she doesn't have the relationship she wants to have with my brother. Getting out of there was hard, as she tried to block my exit from the living room with her body. She also stood in the hallway crying and telling me she had something to tell me. This is a standard line with her...so I know she was just trying to manipulate me into staying and hearing her sad story about my brother's behavior.

When I called to check in on her tonight she was still in a foul mood. She told me she was upset because she couldn't get a hold of the manager of an apartment building in Arizona. She is again trying to figure out a way to get back to Arizona. She wants me to bring over Dad's ashes so he can go with her. She also accused me of being after her money..which is a joke. If she lives longer than another year, she is going to be in deep trouble financially. She finished her tirade by saying that she just wants to die.

I have a feeling that Mom is going to have a long and difficult journey to death. Her anger and unhappiness keep her firmed rooted in her life. It is the essence of what connects her to her life...no matter how unhappy she is here or anywhere. Moving to Arizona will not make her happy.

Having a better relationship with my brother will not make her happy. Having more of my time will not make her happy. I have no clue what makes her happy other than trying to order me around and eating candy...which is exactly how she behaved with Dad. She has transferred all of her behaviors from her relationship with Dad to me. But I am not Dad, and I have made it clear that I won't put up with her abusive language or behavior. She is kind of stuck..as I am the only person left on earth who is willing to help her.

It is not a job I relish or even enjoy very much...but it is the right thing to do, the humane thing to do. I promised Dad I would take care of her and that is what I am doing to the best of my ability. The trick is not being drowned out by the avalanche of negative emotions and behaviors that come my way.

I just feel like the life has been sucked out of me by her anger and unhappiness. I just needed to write it out on this blog so I can go on with my own day.

Church dinner

I took Mom to the new Wednesday night dinner and church service tonight. She has been looking forward to it since I invited her a week ago. Even thought she is profoundly deaf now, she still had a good time. She got to dress up, get out of the apartment, have a nice meal and be with other people. So many friends came up to greet her and talk with her...it was nice to have others interact with Mom.

She complained that she can't hear when people talk to her or follow the service. She gets embarrassed by her hearing loss. I told her that maybe listening wasn't so important for her. I suggested that perhaps just being out and having a meal with other people is what she could enjoy. She told me that she would be glad to go again if I invite her. I will do just that. It gives her something to look forward to every week.

Once we got back to her apartment, I helped her get undressed and ready for bed. The same routine has not varied since I first started helping her after Dad died in 2007. She has lost most of her modesty and allows me to undo her bra and help her take off her outfits. I always bring her overnight pants and nightgown and help her into them. It is easy to do this....which always surprises me. I thought it would be strange ....or uncomfortable for me. It is actually easy to help because I know it makes it easier for her at the end of the day.

It was a good evening with Mom. I am thankful it worked out.

The pledge of allegiance

I went over to Mom's today to make her breakfast. I arrived about 8:45am to find her starving. I asked her what she had for dinner last night and I could see that she was drawing a complete blank. I asked her gently if she had eaten any dinner and she could not remember if she had or not.

I immediately went to the kitchen and got her a cup of coffee. Her coffee has been part of her routine for many years...so I thought we would start there. I fixed scrambled eggs, bacon, toast with jam, and wedges of "Temptation" melon with blackberries and raspberries. Mom thought everything on the plate looked beautiful and immediately and silently began to eat. She was obviously very hungry as there was nothing left after a few minutes.

While I was washing the dishes, Mom remained in the living room.. I heard her say "I can't remember the Pledge". It took me a minute to register that she meant the Pledge of Allegiance". She got out the first part of the first line and then feel silent. This was a bittersweet moment for me...listening to her struggle to remember something she probably said day after day in school. Now some of those phrases are disappearing. Now she is forgetting to eat.

Here is the complete text: "I pledge allegiance to the flag of the United States of America and to the republic for which it stands, one nation under God, indivisible, with liberty and justice for all."

After cleaning up the kitchen I made Mom some meals: salads, lunch plates, spaghetti, chicken with mashed potatoes and green beans...anything to cue her to eat. She needed a break from frozen dinners....so hopefully these meals will encourage her to eat every day for a few days.

I took out the garbage and went to the store to pick up a few more items for Mom.

She was again confused about the new digital TV box that my brother installed along with the digital antenna I purchased. I showed her how it all worked again knowing full well she probably will not be able to retain this information anymore. No matter...I found her a program she liked and left it on.

The leave taking is harder and harder. Mom thanked me for spending so much time with her on the holiday. She thanked me for the meals that I set up for her. She thanked me for everything I am doing for her. I hugged her, kissed her forehead and then left her as gently as I could knowing that I would call this afternoon at 4:30pm like I always do.

I felt so sad and depressed as I drove away. Mom has been a difficult person for me since my childhood. She can be stubborn, obstinate, unreasonable, paranoid and very mean. She can also be loving, funny, sensitive and charming. She is really a character and I am beginning to understand that despite all the rough times, I will really miss her when she is gone. I was surprised by this revelation...but on many levels it makes sense. We have been together for many years, we have a lot of history...some of it good and some of it not so good. She is still my only Mom and the only link to certain memories in my childhood. She is also my only link to my relationship with Dad.

Summer in the park with Mom

Today was a good day with Mom. I took her some bank information this morning and then picked her up this afternoon for a picnic at Alki Beach. We sat and talked and ate our sandwiches while the ferry boats and tugs went by on their rounds.

Mom loved the Cobb Salad, deviled eggs, half a turkey sandwich, potato chips, half a Mounds bar and some Sprite Zero. I suspect that she doesn't always eat well these days, so I try to have a couple of meals with her a week. I know that today she had a good lunch and got out in the fresh air for awhile.

When we got back to her place she showed me how my brother had fixed her TV. He had hooked up a new digital tuner with the digital antenna that I purchased for Mom. That is a big weight off of me. She was having such a hard time without TV.

Mom also showed me all her keys, where she keeps them and how she as no idea what most of them go to at this stage. She laughed and said I was going to have a heck of a time after she is gone.

Mom's feet were pretty bad today. I suspect she has diabetic neuropathy in both feet now.

The words of a song my Dad used to play keep going through my head. The song is called "September Song" by Kurt Weill and Maxwell Anderson. Here are the last two stanzas:

Oh, it's a long, long while from May to December
But the days grow short when you reach September
When the autumn weather turns the leaves to flame
One hasn't got time for the waiting game

Oh, the days dwindle down to a precious few
September, November
And these few precious days I'll spend with you
These precious days I'll spend with you

Mom can be a handful, but I still love her. I have a front row seat to her demise and eventual death. It is intense, it is a privilege, it is sometimes very hard, but I will see her through to the end of her life.

Another rough day

I took Mom to the bank and out to lunch today. She was pretty bad at the bank...giving the banker a hard time about her accounts and her CD. She was rude to me as well...telling me that I was talking too much! All I was trying to do was help her. It is so clear that she is worried about how to handle her finances. This was something that Dad always did...but she struggles with it every time we go to the bank. After we left, I told her she really needed to behave in a nicer and kinder manner with people..including me. She basically just blew me off.

She told me on the way to lunch that she needed to go to Sears...so there we were in the bra section again trying to find a front closure bra. Thankfully, I found her size again and we were out of there in under a half hour. We glanced at clothes for a little while, but when she started getting difficult, I told her we were leaving.

Next stop, Ivar's on the Seattle waterfront. I finally found a parking place and then pushed her the two blocks to the restaurant in her transport chair. Once we got there is took a long time to get seated, an even longer time to get water and menus...and an eternity to finally get our meal. Mom doesn't talk much when she eats. She stays pretty focused on her food and struggles when she drops food on herself.

After lunch, we drove to the grocery store to pick up some dish soap and a money order. Mom has to pay her utility bill to a company out of state. She refuses to send them a check so we go to the store every month to get a money order.

Mom wanted to stop and shop for a baby book for Pamela and Haven, but I told her that I was tired. We had been out almost 5 hours and I was just exhausted both physically and mentally from her difficult behaviors. I got her back to her apartment and got her in the door. She started crying and apologizing about messing up her blouse at the restaurant. I told her it was a just a blouse and could be cleaned in the washer. I stepped into getting her new clothes and helping her get dressed. She accomplished all this in her living room and didn't seem to be self conscious at all. I just went with it because it seemed like it would take too much out of her to get her into her sleeping alcove.

Once I got her dressed, she walked me to the door. We looked at her beautiful view of Puget Sound out the window. She looked at me and said "I know that I am not as in control as I used to be". Trying to make light of her remark, I said 'That makes it a lot easier on those of us who know you". The joke went right over her head.

I kissed her on the forehead and walked down the hall to the elevator breathing deeply. I know she is weaker and weaker. I know she is really depressed about being alone. She tells me she will only live another year. I write all this down so I can go back tomorrow and start all over again with Mom.

3 years....

Today is the three anniversary of Dad's death. Mom has been very upset about this for the last two days. This morning I called her and found her sobbing again. She begged me to bring a photo of Dad over to her. Of course, I was on my way out to do my errands, so I told her I would bring her a photo later in the day.

It was almost 6pm by the time I got to her apartment. When I gave her the photo the first thing she said was "You only brought one?" Always one to be critical. I told her how great it would be if she could say something like "Thank you so much for taking the time to bring me this photo". Oh well, that is just the way she has always been...and mostly likely will always be during her lifetime.

We sat and talked and looked at the photo. She said over and over that she just doesn't understand. Her loss is palpable. The sobs and lack of understanding are all signs of deep grief. To Mom, it is like Dad just died. That is how raw the wound is for her.

I wish she could be in a better situation...but like most difficult people, she has fought me every time I have tried to move her into an assisted living facility. Now she sits, day after day in her apartment counting planes as they take off and land at the airport. It breaks my heart, but the doesn't seem to anything I can do to improve her situation.

Next Monday I am taking her to the bank, the grocery store and to lunch. As I left I hugged Mom and she said she was looking forward to Monday..that it would be "our day". One more indication of how she is struggling with the new circumstances in my life.

For more details, go to my other blog at : http://ourpathtomotherhood.blogspot.com

Father's Day

Dad has been much on my mind today. I made breakfast for Mom this morning and of course our conversation turned to Dad. She said he was "such a good guy". I have watched her deal with his absence for almost three years now. This coming Wednesday will be the third anniversary of his death.

We had such a close relationship, that he will always be part of me. His way of living his life is always in my mind. His patience in the face of difficult times or difficult people is also with me.

I don't know how he managed to deal with Mom for 60 years. She has almost put me over the edge just in the last couple of months. He was her caretaker. Now I am her caretaker.

I am not always successful or happy with the way I deal with Mom's moods and irrational way of thinking. I do know that Dad is my guide in this challenging task.

I am glad I have so many good memories of him.

I am blessed that he was my Father.

Everything is still the same....

Mom continues to be a complete pill about the fact that I cannot drop whatever I am doing to cater to her every need. Yesterday she wanted me to race out and buy a Father's Day card for my brother and then make a special trip to her apartment to drop it off. This on a day when we are cleaning and preparing the house for the arrival tomorrow of our daughter from the hospital after being born prematurely on May 18, 2010. Pamela and are are preparing to spend the night with her in the hospital and bring her home tomorrow. So...in the scheme of things, the Father's Day card for my brother was not that important.

I lost it with Mom on the phone and just told her that I wasn't available and she would just have to wait. She has no respect for me, my life, my family life or anything that resembles me be an adult. She will be a bully and a narcissist to the bitter end. Every conversation these days ends in a fight. I just can no longer tolerate her irrational and mean behavior.

I think she has been especially needy and demanding ever since I told her about the baby. In some sense, Mom wants to be the baby. She was cared for and looked after by my Dad for 60 years. I have no idea how he tolerated her illogical and abusive behavior. I am not sure it was because he loved her, but rather felt responsible for her.

I asked him once about all he did for my Mom. At that point in their lives they were no longer married but he saw her all the time and took her out shopping, for groceries, bought her a beauty parlor business...all kinds of things. He said he did all this because she was the Mother of his children. That was it....I was amazed then and I am still amazed by this 35 years later. So simple, and so direct. And such a huge burden to take on.

I am not my Dad. I did not chose my Mother as a partner. I did not marry her and then get divorced her only to remarry her 20 years later. I understand why he did what he did, but I cannot and will not take on that same level of responsibility, even thought Mom wants me to.

I have never been the girl or woman she wanted me to be. I have never been a mirror of her, which is the narcissist's ultimate need. She will never understand me or my life. I will never really understand her or her life. I am just trying to do what I promised Dad I would do...take care of her and keep her safe. She fights me every step of the way...and perhaps that fighting spirit was once the thing that drew my Dad to my Mother...I will never really know.

I do know I just do what I can when I can....day to day.

Shopping

Mom and Dad's official wedding picture - August 1947


Mom in front of her apartment - May 2010

I may have mentioned that my Mother's idea of fun is shopping. She is a browser. She loves looking at clothes, shoes...anything associated with her appearance.

Yesterday we went bra shopping. Mom needed bras that clasped in the front. She can no longer reach around and snap a bra together from the back. So there we were at Sears looking for bras. I knew this was going to be another of our "needle in a haystack' shopping expeditions. Mom always seems to want and need something that is difficult to find.

I worked with the sales clerk for awhile to narrow down the area where the bras could be found and finally located a couple in various cup sizes. Mom was looking for a particular size, but she has lost weight, so may need something smaller.

I picked out a few for her to try on and wheeled her into the dressing room. I sat there watching as she tried them on. I am always amazed at her 90 year old body. I wonder if I will look the same should I have the good fortune to be 90. The surprising information that Mom shared today was that she had always disliked her breasts. I understand in a flash that Mom has struggled with self image and self esteem her entire life.

It became clear very quickly, that Mom was having trouble hooking any bra. Her hands are arthritic and weak. I helped her a little, but told her she had to pick something she could snap together on her own. I am not there when she dresses, so it is important that we find something that she can manage on her own. I convinced her to try a camisole, but she was not thrilled with that look at all. She wanted the traditional bra.

I went back and forth bringing new bras for her to try. I had a flashback to when I was 13. Mom and I were at the old Bon Marche downtown shopping for my first bras. Now the roles are reversed. I am the one bringing in the bras and helping her try them on. Once she got going it went pretty well...but we always go through a price discussion that is long and difficult. She is a true shopper and always looks for a good deal. Luckily, we found one bra that she did like that was in her price range.

Next stop, panties. I moved her over to the wall of panties and took a few minutes to step away while she looked at the various styles and colors. I find that shopping with Mom is really emotionally taxing. She is both demanding and extremely needy. I have to take brief breaks just to regain my composure. The hardest part is her extreme deafness.

I have to shout to be heard and this both exhausts and irritates me. I wish she would wear her hearing aids and put fresh batteries in them. Perhaps they no longer really help her. I know she is in no position financially to buy new hearing aids. I know there is a vanity factor with her. She has always hated her ears and has no desire to bring attention to them with hearing aids. So here again, I see that she has issues of self image and self hatred.

After shopping, we cruise the mall a little so Mom can look in the store windows. She says she needs to eat and wants a hamburger. I know there is no McDonalds at the mall, so I get her back to the car and drive to the one that is near her apartment.

On the way home she asked if Pamela and I can drop by to fix her TV tonight. I tell her that Pamela will not come to her apartment considering that Mom has been so racist about our new baby being black. She has been better about the baby lately...wanting to buy a gift...but we can't trust her to be positive around us and the baby. I get angrier and angrier in the car. I told Mom that she never takes responsibility for her bad behavior. I explain to her that she can't be so verbally abusive to me and Pamela and expect us just to ignore it.

I can feel my blood pressure skyrocketing as I drive along. I manage to get us some lunch and get Mom back to her apartment. I set out her food and begin to boil the noodles for the dinners I am preparing for her for the next few days. I am trying to bring over home cooked food at least once or twice a week to give her a break from frozen meals.

So many conflicting emotions happen during my visits to Mom. I get tired of talking about the same things all the time. I get tired of trying to explain the same issues again and again. She is currently obsessed with when her lease is up. I have read and re-read her lease, explained it to her in great detail...re-assured her that everything is fine.

Mom always goes back to her typical complaint. She hates Seattle. She wants to go back to Arizona. In her heart of hearts she knows this will never be possible. I have told her over and over again that she can't be on her own. We have this discussion several times a week. I am so frustrated that she can't just make the best of it here.

I have told her that I will not help her move. This has been her way of dealing with her own unhappiness for years. Moving ...moving again. It is her idea of finding a new start....but she never has understood that the grass is never greener in a new place...it is still just grass. I watched her uproot my Dad at least 8 times in 8years when they first retired to Arizona. Dad finally bought a condo and they managed to stay there for 18 years before she forced him to sell it. Now she would like nothing more than to be living in that condo.

She is never going to be happy. She is never going to be satisfied with her life. It is both sad and frustrating to watch her make everything and everyone around her suffer with her unhappiness.

Mom said that I had changed while we were eating lunch yesterday. Her inference was that the changes were not good changes. I told her the big change was that I was not putting up with her verbal abuse any more. I don't just give in to her moods and tantrums. I tell her there are limitations on what I can and can't do for her in any given situation.

It feels like I am dealing with a willful child most of the time...so I have to put up boundaries and make them stick. This is the only way I know how to protect my own sanity. I have had to set up a structure that protects me, protects Pamela and Haven, and keeps Mom safe. My brother did this years ago and now I understand why.

Helping Mom is easy task. I often feel pulled in too many directions. Writing is the one outlet that seems to help me sort through all the emotions and conflict.

Smiling

Mom is smiling in this recent photo, but in reality she is having a pretty tough time these days. She has no idea why she is still alive. She misses my Dad in a way that just breaks my heart. Today she said that she missed him so..and began to cry. They were in each others lives for 60 years...through good times and bad times. She is lonely but won't consider assisted living.

I often leave her apartment totally depressed. I wish that she was not so fearful of the world. I wish that she would just try to be a little more open to new ideas. I wish she would agree to live in retirement home of some kind. I wish I could get her to see a doctor. I wish she would acknowledge that she is profoundly depressed and seek some kind of medical help.

As always I have no idea where her personality disorder leaves off and her depression and dementia take over. She often losses track of the days. Her recent racial outbursts may indicate dementia or her personality disorder. She has no memory of some things that happened when Dad died in 2007. Her short term memory is getting worse. I encourage her to make lists for the grocery store. Sometimes she does and sometimes she forgets to do it.

She was beside herself yesterday because her TV stopped working after my brother tried and failed to make some adjustments to improve the picture quality. He just walked away in frustration and left her with no TV. I have been trying to fix her digital TV tuner for two days now to no avail. This is a big problem because TV is her window on the world. Without it, she sits and stares at the walls of her apartment and spirals down into depression and hopelessness.

She is still managing her bills, but told me she would let me know when it is time for me to take them over for her. There are many subtle sign posts along this road that let me know that things are changing. She is slowing down and not coping as well as she did even six months ago.

She says she wants to die and regrets that she is in such good health. I really have no idea what her health situation is now. I do know she has lost some weight and has not taken any of her medication for diabetes or her heart for many months.

She has a strong constitution for someone her age. It is sad to see her so upset about being alive. She feels useless now. She can't walk very far, but still manages to do her laundry, housecleaning, and cook a little.

This situation puts me over the edge on a regular basis. I am trying to do the best I can to take care of her and help bring some comfort to the remainder of her life.

Acting out

Mom and I are currently not going to be talking for a few days. She unleashed a torrent of verbal abuse that included both racist and homophobic comments. I just can't be around her for a few days. She was crying and upset on the phone today, threatening to move back to Arizona. I told her she should go knowing full well she wouldn't be able to organize such a large move at this point.

I am sick and tired of her critical and mean comments about my relationship with Pamela, our newborn and me. She actually said I was crazy today because I "love a black woman". Like this is news...we have been together for 14 years!

I am emotionally exhausted with her behavior, her abuse, her illogical way of seeing the world.

Just when you think it can't get any worse...

I have not had time to maintain this blog and my new blog "Our path to motherhood" since our daughter Haven was born on May 18, 2010. To keep up with that story please go to my other blog at: http://www.ourpathtomotherhood.blogspot.com

Mom has been alternating between good and evil behavior for the last two weeks. Today she was good for the entire time I took her to the store and her doctor's appointment. Her eye and scalp are bothering her again from the shingles she was diagnosed with in April 2007.

The evil part came when I got her home along with her purchases. She has been especially bad around my family, meaning Pamela and Haven, our newborn. Her racism towards Pamela and Haven has truly been disgusting to listen to for the last two weeks. She told me today that I should be taking care of her, not Pamela and the baby. I told her again that Pamela and Haven are my family and I will continue to care for them. Mind you, this was said after I had spent the entire afternoon taking her to the doctor, shopping and then the pharmacy.

I am generally a patient person, but this latest verbal abuse was just too much to bear. I picked up a soft pillow and threw it at her. She promptly threw it at me. I threw it back. There I was reduced to a childish temper tantrum that matched her's throw for throw. In a final shot, I informed her that Dad had called her a bitch from his bed in the nursing home, just days before his death. Of course, she called me a liar. I could have spared her that last comment, but I just was so infuriated by her mean behavior, I lost it. I had already prepared her dinner and left it by her chair, so I just walked out and locked the door.

When I arrived home, I walked into the kitchen, burst into tears and told Pamela the latest horror story. I just don't think I can do this much longer. I think the hardest part was watching her be the "nice little old lady" with the doctor's assistant and the doctor. There she was regaling them with stories, hugging the assistant, being cooperative. I was left with the racist, selfish, verbally abusive mother I have known my entire life. Why is it that she can be so great with complete strangers? I will never understand her or her motivations.

I am going to take a few day off after I drop off her latest prescription tomorrow. I am emotionally exhausted.

Just when you think everything is going smoothly...

Mom arriving home from her doctor's appointment


Pamela in the hospital making the best of the situation

The amazing thing about dealing with a difficult parent is that I can move through the anger pretty quickly these days. By necessity, I have to given the daily challenges of helping my Mom.

She is having a tough time right now...having just had a toenail removed. She has cream and a program of cleaning and bandaging her toe, which actually is a good thing on many levels.

1. Mom requested that I take her to the doctor..which she has resisted for over a year for any reason.

2. While I had my own appointment to check the progress of the foot surgery I had in January, she happily sat in her wheelchair and watched the big screen TV in the waiting room.

3. She was pleasant and compliant during the her visit with the doctor.

4. The toe now gives her something to do to care for herself.

I have too many other things going on right now to really let her get me upset. I just have to put most of my energy into my own life and helping Pamela while she is in the hospital. She has mild pre-eclamsia. It looks like our daughter will be arriving several weeks early. For a more information go to my other blog: http://ourpathtomotherhood.blogspot.com/

Mom's hands on Mother's Day 2010

It is hard to know that these hands raised me, but belong to someone I no longer even like because of her mean and abusive behavior.

Mom's racist comments and other assorted verbal abuse continues. The baby news has stripped away all verbal decorum as she issues stream after stream of negative comments directed at me, my partner and the baby that will soon be a part of my "chosen family".

My Mom has been verbally abusive for my entire life...so it is hard to separate out what is just the usual from what may be linked to any dementia she is experiencing at this point of her life.

After our phone conversation this morning, I just hung up and sat there crying. On the one hand she says that I am "kind and good to her". On the other she makes disparaging remarks about my partner's race, the baby, and my involvement in my own family of choice.

As far as I am concerned the only family I had was my Dad, and he is gone now. I really wish he had survived Mom...because he would be so happy and supportive of the family that Pamela and I are creating.

Unfortunately, I am left caring for a mean, spiteful, negative, depressed Mother with a serious personality disorder. I know this will end one day, but right now it just feels like an oppressive weight on my shoulders.

Truth telling

I have not mentioned it before, but my partner is expecting a child in late June or early July. This is a source of great happiness for us.

I have put off telling Mom because I knew it would be unpleasant and she did not disappoint. Her reaction came in three parts:

1. "Pamela is crazy".

2. "Will the baby be black?" (this is a bad thing because she is a racist)

3. What will the last name be? (her head would have blown off if I had told her Corliss-Wilkins...more of her racism...so I didn't answer her question.)

I feel completely angry, sad and disappointed in her and her negative and ignorant behavior. Actually she is so true to form...she has acted this way about my life since I was 18....

Distant voices

Mom always tells me important information in the car. The car is not electronically monitored in her version of the world. I was driving her home yesterday when she casually mentioned that she had been walking and talking with her long deceased Mother. I said that must be nice because she has really missed her Mother for the last 54 years. She did not seem comforted by these walks or talks. I think it scares her and tells her that her own death may be soon. I tried to be very supportive and positive about these dreams she is having, but I am not sure that I made much of a dent.

7:30am

That is when the phone rang. Mom acted as if nothing had happened. She denied every mean thing she had said to me the day before.

I am starting to research all aspects of dementia. I believe she has some form of it.
As I write this, I am emotionally exhausted with all of her drama. How much of it is her and how much of it is her physical condition, I have no idea.

I have reached my wall

Mom finally pushed me over the edge today. She and I were not getting along at all on our trip to Sears,the grocery store and lunch. She was being a bully and I was just getting angrier and angrier. I couldn't take it anymore. She finally pushed me over the edge by saying that I was "nutty" and that they never should have taken me out of the "nut bin"' years ago.

I drove her home, got her out of the car and went upstairs to leave her groceries in her kitchen. I went back to the lobby and gave her both of my keys and told her that she was now on her own.

I cannot take her verbal abuse anymore.

My blood pressure was sky high.

I have reached my wall.

Breathe....come up for air and breathe

This week has been a rough one. I have been over to Mom's place 5 times to fix her television. She has a digital tuner and keeps mixing up the TV remote with the digital remote. Rescanning her channels seems to do the trick. At one point, she had it so messed up, I had to ask Pamela to come over and help me because I had done all I could do with the digital tuner and still couldn't bring back the channels. It seems clear that Mom is not going to be able to relearn this technology that she has been successfully using for about a year. I don't know if she is losing cognitive abilities or has just figured out that I will come over if she messes it up.

I have to say that my ability to be patient has been pretty thin this week. I come home each time overwhelmed and angry. I feel awful for getting so irritated at her helplessness. She won't take her garbage out because she is afraid to go to the garage in her building by herself. She is the most fearful, limited person I have ever encountered. She has lived in a cocoon all her life...limited in her experience, living through the family members around her. Now that Dad is gone, her major window to the world is gone. She tries to get me to step into his 24/7 shoes but I just can't get sucked into that role.

Today, I bought her a nice salad and dropped it off. Again, the TV needed to be fixed ....again I fixed it and explained it. I feel like I am losing my mind ...breathe....just breathe...get her settled and go. But not before she wanted to know what I was doing today. She is so invasive...I have taken to not telling her much about my life because she often twists the information and is verbally abusive. If she doesn't get her way, she often verbally attacks my home life. She also told me she needed to go to several different places next Thursday. I told her I could not commit to it until I knew what was happening with my job search. It just drives me crazy that she never consults me ...just tells me what she wants and when she wants to do it.

Breathe....just breathe ...get to the car...go home to my life....eat lunch... ....breathe deeply....take a long nap....breathe deeply.

Start over tomorrow.

Caregiver's lament

The statistics prove my current reality. Caregivers of elderly parents are predominately the daughters or daughter in the family.

My brother has now decided that he cannot come over to Mom's except on holidays. This is laughable. He won't come over on any holiday. He won't even come over to take her garbage out any longer. He has just walked away and left me with all the responsibility of taking care of my 90 year old mother.

Anger, the unfairness of life...the selfishness of it all just twist me into a rage.

I have been left in the middle of this elderly desert with nothing but the grim task ahead of dealing with an elderly parent who is getting weaker and weaker physically and more difficult psychologically every day.

I just hope that I can do this without my own health being compromised.

I did notice my agitation level rising this morning when Mom was on the phone. She only wants to talk about my brother and how he is getting his "'head on straight". I could not care less about his head or anything else associated with his self centered life.

So...perhaps I will send him an email and thank him for taking on the task of visiting Mom on Easter this year...and see how that goes.

Rug mantra

Mom called this morning. She wanted me to come over today with my rug cleaner and small rug machine and clean a bad spot in her living room. She thinks I am more available now that I am not working. I am working hard at not being there every time she calls.

See, the deal is, she is terribly lonely. My father was there 24 hours a day, 7 days a week for years. She was used to having him around to direct and oversee. Now, she is lonely with a capital L and says so almost every time I talk with her on the phone, or when I am leaving her apartment. I told her yesterday that I cannot be there 24/7. I am not Dad....and this situation is what she chose for herself. She said she wanted a smaller apartment with a washer and dryer and that is what I found for her. I just walk away exhausted with her neediness...her dependence.

She says she won't be around much longer...she reminds me that she is 90 now. It isn't so much that I long for her death. I just want to have some breathing room...and she wants more of me than is healthy to give.

The dance goes on....

90....

Yes, Mom is 90 years old today. I am going to take her to the bank, to get her hair cut and then to lunch. She is very upset these days because my brother told her he was never coming to see her again last week. The two of them are always getting into it. Mom wanted me to be the go between and let him know what all we were doing today. That is molten ground, so I refused to do it. Oh, I wish things were simpler with Mom.

Rainy oysters

As usual, I called Mom from work yesterday to check on her. The conversation was pretty typical for awhile until she starting crying and being upset. My brother had not come over to help her with her garbage. Something happened between them and he told her that he was never coming back to see her. I think it may have been his response when she told him that she couldn't help him financially anymore. I tried to calm her by telling her that this had happened before and eventually he would show up again.

The fallout for me was having to go over there and take her to dinner at a local fish and oyster restaurant. We had a table looking out towards a rainy and overcast downtwon Seattle. She had her favorite, which is oysters. She told me later that they were not very good. After dinner we took her home and Pamela took out her garbage.

I have to say, my brother has not really helped much while I have been on crutches. He is having some trouble at work...I think they are trying to eliminate all the meter readers for the city..but that is really no excuse. He is all about his own needs it seems. He certainly shows up when there is a check waiting for him.

I told Mom during the evening that she needed to stop taking it out on me when she and my brother have a problem. She was kind of cranky and inappropriate at different points in the evening. So...not only do I have to step in and take over caring for her, I have to deal with the fallout of their dysfunctional relationship. I am sure there is some kind of useful learning here..but it is hard to grasp in the moment.

I am so grateful that Pamela is willing to help...otherwise, I don't know what I would do.

Struggling

Mom is having a hard time understanding that I am not available to her right now. I am in a surgical boot, on crutches and cannot bear more than 20 lbs of weight on my foot. She asked me three times this afternoon to take her to the bank. I offered to take her check to the bank since I am on her account, but she would not agree to that at all.

I kept trying to explain to her that I cannot help her in and out of the car. She says she understands and then turns around and asks me again to take her to the bank.

I have told her again and again that Mark, my brother, will have to do more while I am recovering. She prefers to have me take her places. I have no idea what it is like with the two of them out in the world. I know he won't go out of his way to help her. Pamela and I have already had to go shopping for her twice.

I am trying to be patient, but today she just got the best of me. I sent Mark an email telling him to take her to the bank. That is all I can do today.

"I love to love you"

"I love to love you". That is what Mom said tonight as I was leaving her apartment.

We are in a time of peace and sweetness. Ever since we found that pair of Kenneth Cole shoes on sale at Marshall's, everything has been going good with Mom. She may be almost 90, but she is still a stylish woman. She was so pleased that we found these beautiful taupe shoes with just a hint of a heel. Every time I go over there, she is wearing her new shoes.

Tonight it felt like something had shifted in Mom. She was in a lot of pain. She said her head hurt her. It sounded like nerve pain left over from having Shingles. I insisted on putting some of her eye drops in her left eye. She seemed almost like a rag doll tonight...no energy, not really talking much...exhausted. While I made our dinner, I had her sit down and have a cup of coffee. She ate her entire dinner, but refused dessert...which is odd for her.

I helped her turn down her bed and change into her nightgown. After we put on her night time Depends, she walked slowly to the door to put her security bar under the door. I keep asking her to stop using it and she keeps refusing...saying it makes her feel safer. We hugged goodnight and had a good laugh about how stubborn she is and how it works for her. Then she said "I love to love you". As I walked down the hall to the elevator I had the sense that she could in fact be dying and that I would really miss her despite all the things she has put me through over the years. She is at her most vulnerable now and it is my job to protect as best I can while she makes her way to her death.

I drove off to my meeting upset about my sense that something major may be going on. Pamela suggested that she may have had a stroke...or just be upset that I am not going to be available for at least a week or more. I certainly won't be able to grocery shop or take her out for awhile.

But I will keep that picture of Mom standing in the nightgown I got her for Christmas telling me "I love to love you".

When will this be over?

It is 7:30am and I have been awake since 5:00am. Mom and I had kind of a difficult time yesterday. I went to the store and bought her groceries for her yesterday and she was upset about that. She looks forward to the time away from the apartment zooming up and down the aisles of the store. I just wanted to get it done and not suck up my entire weekend with her needs.

She called me later in the day complaining about the frozen waffles I had purchased for her. Whining about not liking them and not having any syrup. I was just trying to bring her something a little different because she complains that her food bores her sometimes. I am just fed up with all her complaining and lack of appreciation for what I do to make her life easier.

She also asked me to drive to the Macy's in Lynnwood so she can look for shoes. I told her I have no intention of driving 20 miles so she can look at shoes. I took her to Macy's at Southcenter last weekend ...where she bitched and complained about all the shoes having round toes. The selection in Lynnwood is not going to be any different.

She has taken to asking me when she will see me next and then complaining and counting off the number of days until I will see her again. I feel completely smothered by her neediness. I am not Dad...catering to her every need. I have a job and a partner and my own life to live. I cannot for the life of me understand how she can still be alive when she is so negative and unhappy. A friend suggested that maybe her anger is what keeps her going. My partner suggested it may be the fear she has of dying. All I know is that I am exhausted with being her primary caregiver. All my brother does is come by a couple of times of week to take out her garbage and bring her a milkshake. Everything else is on me.

Oddly enough, I am looking forward to a little break from all this because it involves having surgery. I am having foot surgery on January 20 and will be on crutches for 4 to 6 weeks. I won't be able to carry all the bags of groceries to her apartment or help her in and out of the car. I need to have this surgery now, so she will just have to ask my brother to meet her needs.

The weird thing about all of this is that my brother is really her favorite. She continues to work out all her own Father abandonment issues with him. He never really talks to her or takes her anywhere. She gives him money every time he whines about his bills. She even gave him $2500 last fall. She said she would give the same to me when "you need it". Of course, that will never happen. The conundrum here is that I am the one doing all the heavy lifting with her...but he is the one that she really cares about. I think she just prefers men...and my brother looks like my Dad.